# A hypothetical. Includes zombies. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 10, 2012, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022 "2012-08-10T00:57:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/41 "2012-08-10T13:46:37Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > But where would a zombie find better brains? 🙂 I don’t think you got enough respect for this wonderfully witty joke. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Crab\_Rangoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Crab\_Rangoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crab_Rangoon)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/42 "2012-08-10T13:47:46Z")
I have a cup of coffee as my primary weapon. Well - at least I’ll be awake when I attempt to fight off zombies using my paper fairy decoration as my secondary weapon. Maybe I could hit one in the face with my coffee mug while Nina Sayer (Black Swan) had a mental break and stabs the hell out of it’s face with a nail file. Do I get to partner with her before or after she’s plunged the glass shard into her stomach? ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/43 "2012-08-10T13:56:12Z")
Left hand: Iphone Right hand: mouse or diet coke. Last tv show was Penn & Teller’s Bullshit so I’m torn. Penn is a large and I’m betting mean mofo but Teller is crafty. Who am I kidding it’s unfair to separate them, I’ll take both. ---
**Author:** ![Terraplane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Terraplane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terraplane)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/44 "2012-08-10T14:07:50Z")
I have a clipboard and a stapler. My partner is Sherlock Holmes (the Robert Downey Jr. version). Hopefully he’s not in the middle of a melancholy drug binge. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/45 "2012-08-10T14:08:14Z")
Lessie… Primary Weapon: DVD remote. Secondard: Jury-rigged desk lamp. The last show I watched’s main character…well, depending on if you count internet shows or only true TV; either the Angry Video Game Nerd or Will Farrell from _Land of the Lost_. (In my defense, I only caught a glimpse of the latter. The TV was on for the dogs, I swear!) ---
**Author:** ![picker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/picker/32/13969_2.png) [@picker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picker)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/46 "2012-08-10T14:11:58Z")
My primary is a pillow. My secondary is a Chihuahua. Or another pillow, if living things don’t count. Luckily, the last thing I watched was Captain America. Good thing, too. Before that it was Reno 911. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/47 "2012-08-10T14:27:22Z")
My main weapon is a sword (seriously). My secondary weapon is a five gallon fermentation bucket full of not-quite-ready beer… I think I’ll leave that one behind. My only surviving friend is one of the gang from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” It started off so well, too. > [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > And I haven’t watched a show for so long that I’ve forgotten what the last one was; it’s all been books and games for my fiction consumption. If we allow games then I, too, have the dragonborn at my side (which is good because has a max carry weight of 400, so he can carry the beer). If we allow books, I get either Carrot Ironfoundersson or Lord Vetinari. I’ll take Carrot. I’m sure he can talk those zombies into jolly good chaps. > [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I think the first thing on your left and first thing on your right rule is too limited. I propose you be allowed to grab two items from the room you are currently in (no people though). Then I have a sword and another, different sword. ---
**Author:** ![Tapiotar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3be4f8/32.png) [@Tapiotar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapiotar)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/48 "2012-08-10T14:39:19Z")
I’ve got a mug of tea on my right…but, if I stretch it to on the wall in front of me, I’ve got a wooden staff for martial arts practice. On my left, I’ve got a back up hard drive. If we stretch it to things in the same room, I’d grab the largest hammer and a wrench from the toolbox. But my ally is Leroy Jethro Gibbs!!! So I’m good. I did watch an NCIS episode last, I did, I did, I did. NOT the BBT. Sheldon’s emergency drills notwithstanding, I would be thoroughly screwed. Just not by him. ---
**Author:** ![Rubixcube](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Rubixcube](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubixcube)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/49 "2012-08-10T14:55:05Z")
Victoria Winters from _Dark Shadows_…damn. ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/50 "2012-08-10T15:02:02Z")
> [@newsbunny](#): > > Secondary: Machete. I can carry that, sheathed, around my waist. I don’t know what my weapons would be; but coincidentally, this is the main character of the last show I watched, so it really doesn’t matter what _my_ weapons are–the zombies are really, really screwed. “Machete don’t do overused tropes. [slice]” ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/51 "2012-08-10T17:28:20Z")
Hmmm - last show I watched was Futurama - so my sidekick would be Phillip J. Fry. On my right is (take your pick): a cordless phone, an iPod, a TV remote, and a computer card reader. On my left (again, take your pick): my CPAP machine. A Walt Disney drinking glass. A metal water bottle. Or a night stand with a removable marble top. Of course, zombies attacking me for my braiiiinnnnssss are going to quickly starve (presumably ditto for Phillip Fry), so they might look, think “nonedible” and bypass us. Zombies, not being known for their higher thinking abilities, aren’t likely to think that through, but it’s the only chance I see for us to survive. ---
**Author:** ![Baal\_Houtham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baal_houtham/32/13604_2.png) [@Baal\_Houtham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baal_Houtham)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/52 "2012-08-10T17:46:08Z")
Apart from the foremention Optimus Prime, but otherwise I couldn’t ask for better than George Clooney in _From Dusk Till Dawn_. (That 2 minute YouVideo featuring Roy Acuff doesn’t count does it? Please.) Weapons? Not much. Medium Phillips screwdriver, and… well, can I take apart the wooden chair for a club? ---
**Author:** ![Gedd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gedd/32/4938_2.png) [@Gedd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gedd)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/53 "2012-08-10T17:56:10Z")
On my left: Engineering ruler (Not much help) On my right: Coffee mug or CPU (ditto) My sidekick: Phineas Flynn OK, I’m good. He’ll make some zombie killing device out of that. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/54 "2012-08-10T18:01:23Z")
> [@Baal\_Houtham](#): > > Apart from the foremention Optimus Prime, but otherwise I couldn’t ask for better than George Clooney in _From Dusk Till Dawn_ What, no love for Batman? You _know_ he’s got a zombie apocalypse contingency plan. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/55 "2012-08-10T18:30:45Z")
A spiral engineering graph notebook, a coffee cup, and Heidi Klum. So I’ve got science, sustenance, and reproduction covered. Civilizations have started with worse. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/56 "2012-08-10T18:31:51Z")
Wait, do movies count, or are we just sticking with TV shows? If movies count, then I’ve got the goddamn Batman on my side. Admittedly, the old, beat-up version with no cartilage in his knees, but that’s probably good enough. If TV shows, though, then I’ve got to really dredge my memory, but I _think_ it’d be John Chrichton, who’s probably a better pick than many (especially if he keeps his upgraded pod). But the zombies are probably just a product of someone screwing with our minds, anyway. I’m a bit unclear about the weapons: Is it the closest thing to my left and right? Anything to my left and right within arm’s reach? Anything to my left and right that I can see from right here? In the same room? What about stuff in my pockets-- Do those count against my two-weapon total, or do I get all that for free? In any event, I’ve got assorted pocketknife-type things on my person, and a six-foot oak hiking stick in the far corner of the room. My sword, unfortunately, is in the next room over. ---
**Author:** ![misling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ab097/32.png) [@misling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misling)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/57 "2012-08-10T21:10:01Z")
Last watched - a Dr Who - 3rd doctor Pertwee would be my companion :). On my left - paper plate, stack of documents & a ruler. Not much use. On my right - I guess the scissors or the paper knife would be the best bets. Other than that, mostly African violets and a fan. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/58 "2012-08-10T21:24:55Z")
On my left, A McDonalds sugar free iced coffee On my right, an automatic stapler My only living friend is…Jon Stewart. Totally fucked. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/59 "2012-08-10T21:25:13Z")
My ally is Curious George, so not only is he not going to be much help in battle, he’s going to be racing up to the zombies because he’s so curious! Weapons? To my left, a pair of potholders. Not much help there. To my right? My diary. No shocking revelations, either. It’s hardcover, so I suppose I might bruise a zombie with it. Sigh. Even Bob the Builder has power tools he might use in self-defense. ---
**Author:** ![Baal\_Houtham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baal_houtham/32/13604_2.png) [@Baal\_Houtham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baal_Houtham)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022/60 "2012-08-10T21:26:42Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > What, no love for Batman? You _know_ he’s got a zombie apocalypse contingency plan. Got it covered. George Clooney is also Batman. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-hypothetical-includes-zombies/631022.md?page=4)