# A letter to my ex-wife **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 28, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631 "2010-04-28T15:16:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/21 "2010-04-28T19:20:19Z")
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced and that you’ve had to watch. I hope that as the kids get older she straightens up and enters their lives again because no matter how much _she_ doesn’t deserve it, most people want a relationship with their mother. Even shitty ones. You are an amazing person and you have my utmost admiration. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/22 "2010-04-28T19:23:06Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > But isn’t that assuming a group consisting of 100 women and 33 men? Wouldn’t you have to make the groups even to have any kind of “real world” meaning to it? Like a group of 100 women and a group of 100 men? Which would be 4/100 or 1/50? 3/100+1/100=4/200=1/50. (Assuming the population is equal proportions of men and women.) This also depends on the definition you use for “sociopath” and how widely you’re willing to cast the Hare PCL-R criteria. A more accurate estimate is probably closer to 1:100, though that still means that in a plainload full of people you have at least one amoral SOB who probably wouldn’t think twice about dropping the hammer on you to his benefit. Setting that aside, as much damage as this woman has done in her absence, you should console yourself that she would probably do more in person. It may ultimately be to everyone’s benefit that she has absented herself from your childrens’ lives, however painful and vacant that may be. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Nuveena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a587f6/32.png) [@Nuveena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nuveena)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/23 "2010-04-28T19:46:36Z")
1 in 25 is correct (assuming a 50/50 male/female population) [QUOTE=Opalcat] Which would be 4/100 or 1/50? [/QUOTE] 4/100 is 1/25, not 1/50. > [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > 3/100+1/100=4/200=1/50 3/100+1/100=4/100=1/25 ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/24 "2010-04-28T19:56:44Z")
I feel awful about hijacking this thread, but if you have 200 people, 100 men and 100 women, you’ll have 4 psychopaths (depending on definition) - 1 woman and 3 men. So it would be 1 in 50. Right? StG ---
**Author:** ![toodlepip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@toodlepip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toodlepip)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/25 "2010-04-28T19:58:54Z")
> [@Nuveena](#): > > 1 in 25 is correct (assuming a 50/50 male/female population) > 4/100 is 1/25, not 1/50. > > 3/100+1/100=4/100=1/25 100 men + 100 women = 200 3 male sociopaths + 1 female sociopath = 4 4/200 = 1/50 ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/26 "2010-04-28T20:00:50Z")
You have to equalize the denominators though. You have to be comparing 100 women with 100 men. So 1/100 for women, 3/100 for men. So in a group of 200 you have 4, which is 2/100, which is 1/50. In your example of 4/100 you have no idea how many men/women it is, so you have no idea how many are sociopaths. Edited: or what they said. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/27 "2010-04-28T20:02:39Z")
**Pduol** that was a heartbreaker of an OP. Sounds like you’ve been a standup guy. Kudos. This being the Dope, or course, we can always combine the tragic with the absurd, so: > [@TruCelt](#): > > Addiction isn’t the end of the story though. It sounds like she is a person without a conscience. I recently read that 1 in 33 men and 1 in 100 women are sociopaths. that works out to about 1 in 25 people. It sure explains a lot. 1 in 33 men equals 3/99 men, close enough to 3/100 men. 1 in 100 women equals, well, 1/100 women. Assume we have 200 people, it would be 3 sociopaths out of the 100 males, plus 1 female sociopath out of 100 females. 3+1 = 4 sociopaths total out of 200 people. 4/200 = 2/100 = 1 out of 50. ---
**Author:** ![cuberdon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/45deac/32.png) [@cuberdon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuberdon)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/28 "2010-04-28T20:18:40Z")
> [@Pduol](#): > > Yes, all 3 are holding on to the hope that she will one day be there for them. In all probability, that’s my fault. I encouraged them to have that hope. It seemed to make it easier at the time. I don’t know if that was the best thing to do or not. Teaching children how to deal with an absent, addict mother wasn’t in my parenting guide.😉 Don’t beat yourself up too much. That is a tough spot to be in, and you made the decision that seemed best at the time. Offering them a pessimistic (realistic) opinion about her behavior without demonizing her can be very tricky. If you haven’t looked into Al-Anon, National Association for Children of Alcoholics, or similar organizations, you might want to. You aren’t the only one who has fought this battle, and they offer both strategies and moral support. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/29 "2010-04-28T20:21:26Z")
Second the recommendation for Al-Anon. Get some help from other people who have been through situations like yours. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/30 "2010-04-28T20:32:17Z")
You are getting confused because there are not 200 people in this scenario. There are 100 people. Of the men, 1 in 33, and of the women, 1 of 100. So 4 sociopaths per 100 people. [Cite](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767915828/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0739456741&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=02EFH2Z282KB6H4SM9ZK#reader_0767915828) I hope this will end the unintended hijack. Mea Culpa ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/31 "2010-04-28T20:49:32Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > You are getting confused because there are not 200 people in this scenario. There are 100 people. Of the men, 1 in 33, and of the women, 1 of 100. So 4 sociopaths per 100 people. > > [Cite](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767915828/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0739456741&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=02EFH2Z282KB6H4SM9ZK#reader_0767915828) > > I hope this will end the unintended hijack. > > Mea Culpa So the key here is whether 1 out of 33 men is a sociopath, or 1 man out of 33 people is a sociopath. You originally said 1 in 33 men and 1 in 100 women. Let me try it again with 100 people: We have a population of 100 people, 50 male and 50 female. 1 in 33 men equals 3/99 men, close enough to 3/100 men, so 1.5 sociopaths per 50men. 1 in 100 women equals 1/100 women, or 0.5 sociopaths per 50 women. Since we have 100 people, it would be 1.5 sociopaths out of the 50 males, plus 0.5 female sociopath out of 50 females. 1.5+0.5 = 2 per 100 people, or 1 per 50. The only way to make it 1 per 25 that I can see would be to reinterpret the original statement as **there is one male sociopath per 33 _people_** \*\*, and 1 female sociopath per 100 _people_\*\*. Then you could say 3 per 100 people are male sociopaths, and 1 per 100 people is a female sociopath, giving 4 per 100, but that is not the original statement. That would also give you 3 per 50 males being sociopaths, or 6 percent. God, how I love the Dope sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/32 "2010-04-28T21:06:45Z")
No one told me there would be math in this thread! Damn! ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/33 "2010-04-28T21:26:58Z")
:sciencefail: ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/34 "2010-04-28T21:51:07Z")
Cripes, that OP made me tear up. It also made me aspire to be half the person **Pduol** is, if only for the rest of the day. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/35 "2010-04-28T23:10:36Z")
Sad, there’s always more than one victim when it comes to substance abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Pduol](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6bbea6/32.png) [@Pduol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pduol)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/36 "2010-04-29T06:03:06Z")
It’s late and I can’t sleep. So… A heartwarming (to me, at least) story about “Jenny”. Last night, as she and her husband (man it’s weird to type that word) were leaving to go to the airport for their honeymoon, she told him to “wait a minute.” She came over to me, hugged me, looked me straight in the eye, and said “Thank you for being my daddy.” I lost it. Earlier today, I suddenly realized that this will be the first night I’ve ever spent in this house when nobody but me actually lives here. “Andy”, as mentioned, lives in Houston, “Kristi” is away at college, and “Jenny” will be moving into her husband’s (it’s still weird to type that word) apartment when they get back. I spent most of the night roaming from room to room, reliving the memories that happened in those rooms. I realized that, in spite of the situation, there was a lot of joy and laughter throughout the years. There’s more happy memories than there are sad. Much more. And I asked myself a question. If I had it all to do over, knowing exactly the way it would all turn out, knowing that “Lori” would leave me with her 3 kids, would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY YES!!! I got three wonderful children out of the deal. All of the money in the world can’t top that. I feel like the richest man in the world. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/37 "2010-04-29T08:43:13Z")
I think it’s extremely noble that you stepped up to the responsibility and took care of the kids. So many men would be bitter and not take on the responsibility, but you embraced it and those are your kids now. You’re lucky to have three great kids and they’re lucky to have you. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/38 "2010-04-29T14:24:43Z")
All kids need and deserve a rock while growing up. Someone solid and consistent they can count on to be there for them at all times. (Unfortunately not all kids get this.) You sir, are their rock. They may feel disappointed at times with the behavior of their mother and resent their biological parents but they will never be lost having you as their rock. And even though they have grown up and left your physical home your job isn’t done yet. As adult children they will still need their rock from time to time for advice and to get them through rough patches of adulthood. Continue to be their rock and reap all the benefits that come with it. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/39 "2010-04-29T14:36:39Z")
You did good, **Pduol**. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631/40 "2010-04-29T15:03:11Z")
> [@Pduol](#): > > It’s late and I can’t sleep. So… ::ahem:: Pardon me, I seem to have something in my eye… ::sniffle:: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-letter-to-my-ex-wife/537631.md?page=3)