# A list of red flags in relationships **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 28, 2009, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979 "2009-08-28T00:50:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/41 "2009-08-28T16:46:02Z")
> [@suranyi](#): > > Neither me nor my wife would have passed many of these tests, yet we’ve been married for years and are happier than ever. Congratulations on your happy marriage. FTR, I think my husband and I might have passed all the requirements in the OP, although not everything in subsequent posts. I do think these sorts of lists might be useful for people who are trying to figure out what they want or don’t want out of the dating relationship. Even if someone was reading the list thinking “dumb, dumb, shouldn’t matter, dumb, maybe, depends on circumstances, dumb, dumb…” at least they might spend 5 minutes thinking about their needs before leaping into a relationship with the next person who asks them out. The parts of these lists that make me worry is that many of these things are not stuff you find out before the 3rd date, or even the 21st date. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/42 "2009-08-28T16:55:52Z")
> [@freedumb2003](#): > > has the hots for your twin sister… > > Wait, is that bad? “You can’t call it cheatin’ 'cause she reminds me of you.” ---
**Author:** ![Skara\_Brae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Skara\_Brae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skara_Brae)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/43 "2009-08-28T17:11:44Z")
> [@suranyi](#): > > I HATE, HATE, HATE public lists of red flags such as these. Of course it’s fine to have private lists of things that you personally wouldn’t put up with. But a public list that says what someone else thinks are bad drive me up the wall. > > Neither me nor my wife would have passed many of these tests, yet we’ve been married for years and are happier than ever. This is not a test. I myself could fit 3 of the things in the OP alone (5, 17, 22 [I am working on 22] and maybe more, If I am being totally honest). People just need to be aware of these things and decide what they can live with. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/44 "2009-08-28T17:26:28Z")
I didn’t notice; **Smokes too much (or at all) on any list yet.** Ya’ll loosing your touch? How bout\*\* Farts too often or with too much pride.\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/45 "2009-08-28T17:33:01Z")
Yeesh. I guess we should add: 1. Tells you they’ve broken up with someone or would refuse to date someone based solely on a “red flag”, regardless of whether there was a good reason for it or not. 2. Gets all het up about what they \*think \*you said: > [@suranyi](#): > > I HATE, HATE, HATE public lists of red flags such as these. Of course it’s fine to have private lists of things that you personally wouldn’t put up with. But a public list that says what someone else thinks are bad drive me up the wall. > > Neither me nor my wife would have passed many of these tests, yet we’ve been married for years and are happier than ever. …when it’s the opposite of what you \*actually \*said: > [@Oni no Maggie](#): > > **These aren’t necessarily things that, on their own, would make me say “No way”,** but too many or any one too strongly, and I’d run for the hills. \ And yeah, most people have one or more of these traits. Including me, and including you. That’s why they’re red flags instead of red lights - signs of potential problem areas. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/46 "2009-08-28T17:36:16Z")
> [@Uncommon\_Sense](#): > > How bout\*\* Farts too often or with too much pride.\*\* Shucks. Good thing I’m already married. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/47 "2009-08-28T17:45:53Z")
Signs of an abuser: Acts excessively jealous and possessive Tries to control where you go or what you do Does not respect your need for sleep. Keeps you from seeing your friends or family? (Including convincing you that they don’t want to see you) Limits your access to money, the phone, or the car? Constantly checks up on you Humiliates, criticizes, or yells at you? Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? Blame you for his/her own abusive behavior? Sees you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person? Has a bad and unpredictable temper? Hurts you, or threatens to hurt or kill you? Threatens to take your children away or harm them Threatens to commit suicide if you leave Forces you to have sex Destroys your belongings PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.” HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or, “I didn’t really mean it.” ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/48 "2009-08-28T18:11:31Z")
If your date was divorced more than a year ago, and still talks bitterly about the ex, and knows what the ex is up to these days, and who the ex is dating, that’s not a good sign, and it’s unlikely to change anytime soon. If your date was court-ordered to anger-management or substance abuse therapy, but bagged out early because, “I didn’t need it,” run away and don’t look back. ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/49 "2009-08-28T18:21:30Z")
> [@freedumb2003](#): > > has the hots for your twin sister… > > Wait, is that bad? \*IS \*your twin sister … Unless you have a pay website setup for that purpose. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/50 "2009-08-28T18:24:09Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Signs of an abuser: That’s a list of _run away! run away!_ signs, whereas I think the OP is looking for _things you should think twice about_. 1. Lack of concern for the time of others I like puctuality in a date. If a guy was late on the first couple of dates, when we was still in the “trying to impress each other/best foot forward” stage; I’d seriously consider not dating him again because lateness drive me crazy. I don’t think this should be a red flag for anyone else unless it was combined with other forms of disrespect, such as numbers 7, 27, 29, 57 and 64. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/51 "2009-08-28T19:12:48Z")
> [@Uncommon\_Sense](#): > > How bout\*\* Farts too often or with too much pride.\*\* **Burps openly, but can’t burp the alphabet.** ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/52 "2009-08-28T21:53:44Z")
> [@Knorf](#): > > Basically, never have contact with any of those deeply flawed creatures known as human beings. Masturbate to porn, and if you need to procreate, send around clinically certified samples of semen and eggs to be combined in test tubes. I like your answer best. I mean, come on, y’all! Nobody’s perfect! If I thought when I was dating that people were thinkin’ this kind of stuff all the time I would have just stayed th’ hell home!! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/53 "2009-08-28T22:09:04Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > I’m getting the impression that the human race is going to die out. I was going to say… If everybody dropped contact at these red flags, there would be no more humans. They’re still nasty red flags, of course, but I’m just sayin’… ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/54 "2009-08-29T01:52:33Z")
Hey, for my own contribution (#55 they come from a very different culture), I _married_ the person in question, and we’re still married with no regrets. But given the challenges we’ve inevitably gone through, I’m unabashed in offering #55 as a red flag, because you really had better be serious about that person if you want it to work. ---
**Author:** ![StaudtCJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90ced4/32.png) [@StaudtCJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StaudtCJ)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/55 "2009-08-29T03:08:29Z")
I have a link that points out “red flags” for manipulators and other bad news bears. It’s a really good screening list, without being idiotic. [http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml](http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml) ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/56 "2009-08-29T03:38:51Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > **Burps openly, but can’t burp the alphabet.** I’ve made it to “J” but I’m working on it. ☹ ![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/XIk2Qs3EgbI/maxresdefault.jpg)https://www.youtube.com/embed/XIk2Qs3EgbI?feature=oembed&wmode=opaque I don’t know many people who could pass all the red flags. But if they did, I’m sure somehow that upon meeting, there would be “no chemistry.”:dubious: ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2009, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/57 "2009-08-30T05:02:58Z")
Women love to make extensive, multi-level red flag lists, but if they think a guy is yummy or cute enough the list is usually fairly quickly thrown in the garbage. While some men think this makes women impossible to figure out, it’s really just part of their charm. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2009, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979/58 "2009-08-30T05:21:30Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Women love to make extensive, multi-level red flag lists, but if they think a guy is yummy or cute enough the list is usually fairly quickly thrown in the garbage. For _some_ people, I suspect the very thing that prompts them to compile the list is also the thing that leads them to throw it out: 'cause it all reminds them of daddy or some other dominating figure of their preferred sex that they still have conflicted feelings over. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-list-of-red-flags-in-relationships/507979.md?page=2)