# A little advice, please. (Relationships) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 10, 2007, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444 "2007-12-10T03:41:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/1 "2007-12-10T03:41:52Z")
Well, it’s been a rollercoaster for the past few months for me as far as relationships go. If you’ve been keeping up, well, then, you need to go outside more. 😃 In a nutshell: After having been single for a while, I all of a sudden found that I had several smart, attractive, funny friends claiming they dug me. I dated one for a while, but she was a bit too clingy and I had to end it. Not having been single for a week, I get a MySpace message from an old acquaintance (I’ll call her “Sarah”). Sarah and I dated extremely briefly: We hung out for a weekend, and while it was tons of fun, she felt that our political beliefs were too out of tune to continue (basically, she was vegan and I’m a carney). I really liked her, but 'twas not to be and we parted ways for good. Or so I thought. I won’t resubmit it verbatim here, but essentially, she stated that I was someone she shouldn’t have let go, that she really liked me, thought I was smart, funny, and interesting, and really regrets having cut off all contact. She said that while she still held true to her beliefs, she isn’t quite as fascist (for lack of a better word) about them now as she was then. She was hoping I didn’t resent her and that maybe we could be friends again. So I responded. Sure we could be friends; no hard feelings. She responded back with more. I responded, but stuck in an extremely brief sentence that we should hang out after our semesters end. Haven’t heard from her since, and this was last Sunday. Now there were a few days between each of our responses, but never one this long. Is she pulling her disappearing act again? Should I send her a quick “Hey, did ya get my last message?” Thoughts? ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/2 "2007-12-10T03:50:25Z")
Let me add too that we’re currently having finals in our semester, and she’s in an Engineering program, which sucks up a lot of her time. But I’ve seen her online since I’ve sent the message, and she has to have read it by now. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/3 "2007-12-10T04:23:47Z")
I think she’s waiting for you to ask her out. I know that if I sent an old flame an email saying I regretted letting him go and wanted to try again, and he sent me one back saying, “Yeah, we should hang out some time”, I wouldn’t take that as a good sign. I’d think you were brushing me off. So call her or email her asking for a date, with a specific time and place. Don’t you have winter break coming up? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/4 "2007-12-10T04:29:16Z")
I think I’d just leave the ball in her court. She broke up with you, she initiated contact again, you said let’s hang out some time, she went off to la-la land; I wouldn’t chase after her any more. I’m not sure you should have many hopes for a relationship with her, either - you weren’t compatible enough then, and neither of you have really changed. She’s missing you, but nothing’s really changed. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/5 "2007-12-10T04:33:55Z")
I don’t know, maybe she’s feeling vulnerable. After all, it was risky for her to make that contact, and maybe she doesn’t want to come across as too needy by bringing it up again without a more conclusive sign that he does want to actually hang out instead of just saying that to be polite. Everybody says “Oh, yeah, we should totally hang out” so it could be murky to her. ---
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/6 "2007-12-10T04:34:27Z")
I argee w/ Alice. Your previous msg. sounded like you were trying to, politely, brush her off. Propose a definite date and see what response you get. BTW, you might also, briefly, explain why your previous response was so cavalier. Her first msg. to you probably took a bit of risk to send, but your response was very noncommittal ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/7 "2007-12-10T04:40:03Z")
Seeing as how this could be an uncomfortable situation for her, to “come crawling back” to you, I encourage you to go ahead and ask her out if you do want to go out with her. One of the best boyfriends I ever had had a good habit of preventing me from being uncomfortable, whether it was making the first move, carrying the conversation when needed, or whatever- it’s just the gentlemanly thing to do to not make her feel awkward about this and make a strong move. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/8 "2007-12-10T04:40:26Z")
Let me respond by saying that my messages to her were pretty lengthy, letting her know what I was up to and asking her the same. I was a bit nonchalant in saying we should hang out because I didn’t want to come across as having waited all semester to hear from her again. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/9 "2007-12-10T04:42:08Z")
I’ve finally figured out that it’s usually a bad idea to make assumptions based on the amount of time it takes someone to respond to you. (With non-romantic acquaintances, anyway, since my relationship pre-dates the ubiquity of e-mail, but the principle is the same.) I mean, she reached out to you, right? It’s possible that she re-thought it after your last message, but it’s more likely that she’s just really busy. Whatever it was that put days between the initial responses is probably doing the same here. If you really want to do something during the break, I’d e-mail her and suggest something specific or at least a particular time to get together. But I think leaving the ball in her court is an OK idea too. It depends on just how interested you are. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/10 "2007-12-10T05:20:02Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] I think I’d just leave the ball in her court. She broke up with you, she initiated contact again, you said let’s hang out some time, she went off to la-la land; I wouldn’t chase after her any more. I’m not sure you should have many hopes for a relationship with her, either - you weren’t compatible enough then, and neither of you have really changed. She’s missing you, but nothing’s really changed. [/QUOTE] Actually, we were totally compatible, except for our dietary preferences. We had some extremely scintillating discussion in many different areas (she was the one who brought up sex). [QUOTE=DoctorJ] I’ve finally figured out that it’s usually a bad idea to make assumptions based on the amount of time it takes someone to respond to you. (With non-romantic acquaintances, anyway, since my relationship pre-dates the ubiquity of e-mail, but the principle is the same.) I mean, she reached out to you, right? It’s possible that she re-thought it after your last message, but it’s more likely that she’s just really busy. Whatever it was that put days between the initial responses is probably doing the same here. If you really want to do something during the break, I’d e-mail her and suggest something specific or at least a particular time to get together. But I think leaving the ball in her court is an OK idea too. It depends on just how interested you are. [/QUOTE] Yes, she reached out to me. And I’m sure she’s very busy. I just question that she hasn’t even sent a “Hey, got your message. Studying for finals. Will respond later.” So far, two respondents say ask her out. One says leave the ball in her court, and one could go either way. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/11 "2007-12-10T07:28:38Z")
Well, do you _want_ to go out with her? Because if you’re interested in her you should ask her out. She sounds like she’s interested in you, at any rate. If you’re not interested then you might want to tell her that you only want to be friends so she’s not left hanging. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/12 "2007-12-10T07:35:26Z")
[QUOTE=dangermom] Well, do you _want_ to go out with her? Because if you’re interested in her you should ask her out. She sounds like she’s interested in you, at any rate. If you’re not interested then you might want to tell her that you only want to be friends so she’s not left hanging. [/QUOTE] I definitely want to go out with her. I figured that my long replies to her would give her that hint. No? ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/13 "2007-12-10T07:44:01Z")
Gah! I’m having this problem too. I met a girl on the beach a few weeks ago and she was _all over me_. (ETA: To clarify, we didn’t have any romantic contact, but the signals were unmistakable: lots of touching, lots of enthusiastic “What are you into? Really? Me too!”, lots of excited “We should really hang out! We’re so alike! We should really hang out!” etc.) She gave me her number and the next weekend I texted her; the conversation went like this: Me: Hey, what’s up, this is \_\_\_\_\_, we met at the bonfire last weekend. Her: Hey! Whats up? I’m on my way to a soccer championship i’m playin in Me: Sweet. Yeah nothing much, just wanted to say maybe we could hang out this weekend if our schedules line up. I’m fairly busy but maybe we can find some time Her: That would be awesome! Do you wanna hang out with people or like by ourselves lol Me: I think we can have fun by ourselves : ) Her: haha ok well where do you wanna go? what do you wanna do? : ) Me: Maybe we can just get drunk on the beach or something?\* Unless you have something else in mind Her: getting drunk sounds good hehe Me: Ok well I am going to be working on transfer applications and homework all night but maybe tomorrow? Her: im taking care of my grandma at the hospital but let me call you later the games starting Me: Ok - This is now illegal in San Diego. I know, I’m a bad boy. After that, I didn’t hear from her until the next weekend. I texted her and asked who won and she said “Not us”, and that was about the extent of conversation I could get out of her. I texted her again earlier this weekend to ask if she wanted to go to a jazz show with me (she told me when we met that she loved jazz, and I was going anyway…) and got no response. I’m wondering what the hell’s going on. This keeps happening over and over: girls give me the impression that they’re really into me, and then change their mind or just drop off the face of the planet. It’s the weirdest thing. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/14 "2007-12-10T07:51:14Z")
[QUOTE=Agent Foxtrot] I definitely want to go out with her. I figured that my long replies to her would give her that hint. No? [/QUOTE] I don’t think they would give me that hint. So I’m gonna say no. I write long replies to everyone! And if they did give her the hint, saying “we should hang out after the semester” negates it. If I were her, I’d be feeling a bit squished. Dude. Just ask her out already. Offer some definite plans. “I’d love to see you–would you like to get coffee on Monday night?” ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/15 "2007-12-10T10:38:56Z")
[QUOTE=Agent Foxtrot] I’m a carney [/QUOTE] One of us! One of us! ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/16 "2007-12-10T11:57:28Z")
[QUOTE=dangermom] Dude. Just ask her out already. Offer some definite plans. “I’d love to see you–would you like to get coffee on Monday night?” [/QUOTE] What she said. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/17 "2007-12-10T14:16:19Z")
[QUOTE=Agent Foxtrot] Actually, we were totally compatible, except for our dietary preferences. \ [/QUOTE] But those differences were big enough for her to break up with you. I don’t think that point should be lost here. If you think you’re getting mixed messages from her, I’d agree. What the hell, I’ll change my vote to ask her out for a specific time and event too, and see what happens. ---
**Author:** ![KSO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@KSO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KSO)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/18 "2007-12-10T15:06:26Z")
[QUOTE=Agent Foxtrot] I definitely want to go out with her. I figured that my long replies to her would give her that hint. No? [/QUOTE] No. Ask her out. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/19 "2007-12-10T15:14:39Z")
Ditto. Just do it! ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2007, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444/20 "2007-12-10T15:47:34Z")
Heh. She finally responded at 6:30 this morning, saying she’s getting hit hard by her finals and she’ll messsage me when they’re all over. I’m just going to respond by telling her that we should go out this weekend and celebrate that our finals are over. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-little-advice-please-relationships/429444.md?page=2)