# A Long and Ranty Treatise on Motherhood **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 10, 2010, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703 "2010-06-10T21:10:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![StuffLikeThatThere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@StuffLikeThatThere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StuffLikeThatThere)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2010, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/62 "2010-06-13T01:49:12Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Even though my experiences have made me a stronger and healthier person, I honestly couldn’t blame a prospective parent for turning me down based on my history. They don’t know me the way I know me. Don’t assume anything about that until you’ve actually spoken to someone. I am an adoptive mom, and I’ve suffered clinical depression in the past (two major episodes, both immediately following traumatic loss). I was terrified that this would disqualify me from adopting. However, the social workers doing the homestudies (we’ve had several; long story) each said that it was my emotional health in the present that mattered, and that my history didn’t speak of something scary lurking, but of willingness to get help when needed, and of doing the necessary work. Your mileage may vary, but it’s absolutely not an automatic no. Please note that my experience is limited to domestic infant adoption. Internationally, it depends on the country. China, for instance, has tightened things up significantly. An acquaintance was denied for medical reasons. She has irritable bowel syndrome. :rolleyes: It definitely depends. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/63 "2010-06-13T04:12:12Z")
Olives - thanks for sharing and not much I can add to that. We waited a while to have our first kid and I was pushing 40. I don’t think one can ever be prepared. That said, having an established career, strong savings, a paid for house, etc removes an awful lot of the “stress” and/or preconceptions that\* I\* had about having kids. And that was the right choice for me and I believe my wife. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2010, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/64 "2010-06-13T04:22:21Z")
I don’t have any advice. I’m sorry your Mom is mentally ill and abusive. A doctor told me once you can’t change anyone but yourself and you need to let go of the dream that your Mom will change. I didn’t want to hear that but it is true. She is still the same as she ever was. I love her but she isn’t the type of Mom most of us have. I have wanted to hear my Mom say she was sorry but it isn’t going to happen. I have accepted it. I’m sorry the timing is off for the adoption. When in doubt I do the next right thing and the next right thing usually happens. Be kind to yourself… ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2010, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/65 "2010-06-13T22:50:01Z")
> [@](#): > > I know this was my mistake, for getting my hopes up that she could really ever change and be healthy. I dropped my boundaries and I exposed my vulnerability to her. Never again. It’s time for this ‘‘nostalgic for Michigan and my family’’ shit to end. I talk a great deal lately about ‘‘honoring my roots,’’ but I’m beginning to think that is a really bad idea.\*\* There is nothing to honor there. I am not anything like the vast majority of my family members. They ought to take up as little mental space as humanly possible.\*\* I might as well have been born on a different planet. You moved on. She didn’t. You don’t owe her a thing. You raised yourself and you did a _hell of a job._ Now that you’ve dealt with this emotional gutkick to the mental nads that is the reality of your mother, I recommend you to just breathe. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/66 "2010-06-14T00:27:24Z")
I’m a firm believer that what you don’t get from your parents, you need to find a way to give yourself. I don’t know how many people have perfect parents, but I would guess the number is vanishingly small. Most parents do the best they can, and aren’t viciously abusive, but even with the best intentions it seems a little bit optimistic to think you’ll get everything you need for life from the luck-of-the-draw parents you got. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/67 "2010-06-14T03:16:01Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > It doesn’t really matter how much I feel I’m ready. My husband is not ready for this child. Since posting about my dilemma, I have received a number of PMs from prospective parents who feel this may be serendipity – a sign for THEM. So I realize that this feeling of hope and desire is universal among people who desperately want to be parents. My friend’s baby was a sign all right – a sign that I really want to be a parent more than I had even realized. A sign that parenthood is just as much about using your head as it is your heart, and choosing the best interest of the child over instant gratification of even your greatest desires. A sign that becoming a mother and being a mother promises to be no less challenging and emotional than every other part of life. In a way, my ability to say ‘‘no’’ despite the emotional pull reinforces my understanding that when the time comes, I’ll be ready. Cool. You sound like its well thought out. I just didn’t think it was fair to let this opportunity pass without the warning. Its quite possible that in your state for your situation, your agency, and the type of adoption you pursue, you’d pass a homestudy. And I hope you do. And having done both the bio and adoptive route, whatever route you end up taking towards parenthood is wonderful. Adoption has some advantages in the lack of stretch marks. But birth has its own rewards. (It possibly is worthwhile, as someone mentioned upthread, to talk to someone - you are getting a Masters in Social Work, right? So there should be someone you could have an informational conversation with about homestudies.) (It was news to me that your husband had mental health issues - he doesn’t, I misread something upthread. Sorry.) ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/68 "2010-06-14T09:12:21Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Wanted to add (because I’ll probably miss the edit window) as much as I feel ready, I can’t just steamroll over my husband’s feelings about this. He understands that he will never feel totally ready, but as he put it, there is a minimum level of readiness that one should feel, and he won’t feel that until May. Oh, absolutely! As you say, it’s not like you can say “oh Mommy Mommy can I keep the pretty doggie that followed me home and which is right now trying its darnedest to escape my deathly grip?” You’re a bit older than that, and you know someone will have to take care of the Olivita when you can’t for whatever reason! It’s a kid, not a potted plant, and a husband, not a hat hanger. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/69 "2010-06-14T10:42:30Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Oh, absolutely! As you say, it’s not like you can say “oh Mommy Mommy can I keep the pretty doggie that followed me home and which is right now trying its darnedest to escape my deathly grip?” You’re a bit older than that, and you know someone will have to take care of the Olivita when you can’t for whatever reason! It’s a kid, not a potted plant, and a husband, not a hat hanger. HAH! What do you know?!!!111!!! Work in retail where you get to listen to parents yell, berate and verbally say things to their children that I wouldn’t say to my reflection. The stuff I’ve heard grandparents say to their grandchildren makes me leave my cellphone in my locker so I don’t call 911 twenty times a day. Kids obviously are meant to be verbally abused in public and expected to act like a potted plant when they are out during nap time with no food/drink or nappy stuff. (The stuff spouses say to each other in public while on a retail floor is also jaw dropping, but my philosophy for this is “we need to add booze to this domestic.” All my efforts to get the MegaThrift Store I work for to get a liquor liscense . Actually, now that I think about it, everyone else wants whomever they are with to act like a potted plant while they yammer on directives. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/70 "2010-06-14T17:19:12Z")
Thanks once again to everyone for sharing and listening. It has meant a lot to me to see so many people I admire and respect come out of the woodwork to support us in whatever we choose. We are still planning on moving forward with the childbirth thing. Yesterday I constructed a budget projecting all initial and maintenance expenses, beginning with prenatal care and running through the first year of the baby’s life. We then sat down and crunched the numbers–the good news is we have a lot of room in our budget to cut back on – we found $5k just in eating out and going to see movies alone (shocking how much money is wasted on that stuff… yow!) There will be some big changes in how I spend money from now on, because I’m determined to make this transition as smooth as possible, and worrying about money is not something I want to have to do in the first months of my child’s life. It looks like we are in better financial shape than I had hoped. I will most likely be able to stay home with the baby for at least the first six months. I did post a thread a couple months back here about thinking about Stay-At-Home-Parenthood. That is still something I’m interested in, so we will most likely continue to try to make that work. **Sr. Olives** is still a little nervous, we’ve been having long talks about his feelings and what he needs from me in order to feel less stress and more joy. The two big ones are pushing him to get his work done and pushing him to run (something we enjoy doing together) so that he doesn’t feel so out of control of his various responsibilities. We have agreed to a lot of little changes that should make it easier for both of us to handle additional stress. We are of course sitting on this for a couple of months to make sure we are both 100% on board before we start actually trying to conceive. But so far, it feels like things are coming together. The best part of all is nobody in our circle of close friends and family knows we have made this decision and everyone thinks we’re still planning to adopt years down the road. So when the good news comes, it will be a total surprise to everyone. It’s interesting how one event or apparent missed opportunity can lead to things you wouldn’t have even expected. What started out as a frustrating negative experience has grown into possibly one of the most important and wonderful decisions I will ever make. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/71 "2010-06-14T17:34:35Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > It’s interesting how one event or apparent missed opportunity can lead to things you wouldn’t have even expected. What started out as a frustrating negative experience has grown into possibly one of the most important and wonderful decisions I will ever make. That’s really wonderful, **olives**. If you need any tips on parenting on the cheap, let me know! (Why yes, my son did sleep in a sock drawer for the first three weeks. Hey - I took it out of the dresser first! But dang me if I was spending $100 on a bassinet or cosleeper before he was ready to sleep in his crib!) ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/72 "2010-06-14T17:55:24Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > That’s really wonderful, **olives**. If you need any tips on parenting on the cheap, let me know! (Why yes, my son did sleep in a sock drawer for the first three weeks. Hey - I took it out of the dresser first! But dang me if I was spending $100 on a bassinet or cosleeper before he was ready to sleep in his crib!) Since you have a lot of lead time to work with, I also strongly recommend that you work on filling your freezer with easy dinners beforehand. You cannot conceive of how little you will want to cook when you have a newborn, and eating out / ordering in gets expensive. I like the recipes in [this book](http://www.amazon.com/Fix-Freeze-Feast-recipes-prepare/dp/1580176828) - your mileage may vary, but do find _some_ things that you can assemble ahead and freeze. I bought a bassinet on Craigslist for $25, as I didn’t really want to be getting my son off the floor with a healing C-section incision. But basically the same idea - don’t buy baby stuff new if you can avoid it. Congratulations on your decision - it’s so exciting! I hope that everything works out exactly as you envision it, or that the surprises are even better. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/73 "2010-06-14T23:50:04Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > The best part of all is nobody in our circle of close friends and family knows we have made this decision and everyone thinks we’re still planning to adopt years down the road. So when the good news comes, it will be a total surprise to everyone. And if it takes a while to happen, you won’t have people breathing down your neck every month wanting to know what’s taking so long. That’s something my sister-in-law and a friend are both going through trying to have their second children, and it just makes the stress and disappointment that it’s not happening for them even worse. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2010, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703/74 "2010-06-15T00:27:42Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > And if it takes a while to happen, you won’t have people breathing down your neck every month wanting to know what’s taking so long. That’s something my sister-in-law and a friend are both going through trying to have their second children, and it just makes the stress and disappointment that it’s not happening for them even worse. Yeah, this is definitely why nobody’s knowin’ nothin’ until there’s an actual critter in there. Well, I did discuss this with my Aunt today, but I tell her everything, and I can count on her not to get weird about it. I figure it’s a good idea to have _someone_ I can ring up and talk with when things get frustrating. But we’ve got too many family members who already harass us enough as it is. Our lips are sealed. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-long-and-ranty-treatise-on-motherhood/542703.md?page=3)