# A message to all atheists, unbelievers, and lukewarm christians **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [August 25, 2013, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164 "2013-08-25T23:56:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/81 "2013-08-26T04:24:11Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Hell with Thanksgiving… I don’t want to have to be the guy who explains about the Easter eggs. Or the chocolate rabbit ears. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/82 "2013-08-26T04:33:50Z")
Personally, I’m expecting Jesus to return in 2443, when for some reason he’ll destroy most of the world’s videotapes. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/83 "2013-08-26T04:35:38Z")
> [@Mr.Miskatonic](#): > > Cthulhu shall rise. _Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Yahshua Yerushalayim wgah’nagl fhtagn!_ ---
**Author:** ![Askthepizzaguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askthepizzaguy/32/9405_2.png) [@Askthepizzaguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askthepizzaguy)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/84 "2013-08-26T05:07:34Z")
> [@jesusguy](#): > > Jesus is coming back someday and he’ll back like a thief in the night. (1 Thessalonians 5:2) We need to examine our lives and get serious. For those who haven’t you need to accept jesus as your savior and repent for your sins to get to heaven - no other belief, religion, or way will get you there. > > For those who accepted jesus but aren’t living righteously, you need to repent for your sins daily and ask God for the strength and wisdom to live righteously. > > -God bless, take it easy. Jesusguy, I have a message for you from God. You see, he doesn’t like to deliver messages personally anymore, back in the day he used to do that sort of thing. But it scared people because they didn’t really know what to expect. They couldn’t see God in all his glory without bursting into flames, so God sort of had to appear as different things, like burning bushes and whatnot. But it still scared people, and why shouldn’t it? Anyway, God decided his best messages should be sent through middle-men. And what better middle-man than someone who delivers things professionally. So, here I am, a messenger on behalf of your lord Christ. I admit, I was skeptical about being chosen, being an atheist and all. But God works in mysterious ways. Anyways, God says that the whole Christianity thing was a bad idea. You see, he was young, he had been drinking a lot of wine, and he was spouting off about having all sorts of godly powers, which, while true, is not necessarily the reason you should worship somebody. I mean, the devil has supernatural powers too, but you don’t worship him, right? Right. Anyway, God says the whole Christian thing was just a phase he was going through, he wanted to try being human for a while, got nailed to some wood for his trouble, and he’d really rather forget about the whole thing. It’s not fun being reminded of moments you’re not so proud of. The whole thing was kind of a big blur, I mean, God doesn’t even remember most of Jesus’ life, just the end where he got whacked. But it seems to God that if Jesus’ life were worth remembering, more chapters might have been written about the times when he wasn’t 30+ years old. What was he doing in his twenties? As a teenager? I mean he doesn’t remember, and God says you know, he was a kid, he was probably up to the usual kid stuff, like making mischief. Ever hear of Atlantis? Well, it was originally supposed to be a practical joke, making the whole island sink, but like all practical jokes, you can take things to extremes and people’s feelings can get hurt. Anyway God’s real sorry about the whole thing, it was either Jesus acting out as a child or some wine-induced benders later in life, and there’s nothing worse than a drunk person with supernatural powers. He’d really appreciate it if you stopped bringing it up in casual conversation. Also, he says that the whole Jesus thing was a phase, he’s not coming back, Jesus is deader than disco. That whole persona has been retired. I mean, did you hear what he said he’d be coming back with? He said he’d be coming back with horsemen and chariots to fight dragons and shit. Obviously Jesus was smoking a lot of the wacky tobaccky back in those days. You really just have to ignore most of it, especially the parts that contradict the other parts. God’s advice is to just live your own life, and not worry so much about the atheists, because they’re nice enough to simply enjoy “classic Jesus” without clamoring constantly about a reunion tour. Look, Eddie Murphy was on Saturday Night Live, and yea, it was good, but nowadays he mostly does voice overs. He’s not interested in making a comeback like that. Just read your Bible and enjoy the stories, God says they’ve generally got a good message but a lot of them are just straight fiction. But that’s okay, it’s still a good series of books. He also recommends Harry Potter, there’s a lot of similar themes, such as death and resurrection, an evil demon-like creature who wants to control the world and corrupt people, supernatural powers, and so forth. Just as fictional, but with a modern setting, and easy to relate to the characters. It’s not a bunch of begatting and floods and child sacrifice and rapes and god-sanctioned genocides stuff. By the way, God’s really sorry about all the mass murders. He promises he won’t do it again in the same way. Less flooding, more war chariots next time. Whenever you see a rainbow, you’ll know he’s telling the truth. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/85 "2013-08-26T05:09:24Z")
> [@Askthepizzaguy](#): > > Jesusguy, I have a message for you from God. > > You see, he doesn’t like to deliver messages personally anymore, back in the day he used to do that sort of thing. But it scared people because they didn’t really know what to expect. They couldn’t see God in all his glory without bursting into flames, so God sort of had to appear as different things, like burning bushes and whatnot. But it still scared people, and why shouldn’t it? Anyway, God decided his best messages should be sent through middle-men. And what better middle-man than someone who delivers things professionally. So, here I am, a messenger on behalf of your lord Christ. > > I admit, I was skeptical about being chosen, being an atheist and all. But God works in mysterious ways. > > Anyways, God says that the whole Christianity thing was a bad idea. You see, he was young, he had been drinking a lot of wine, and he was spouting off about having all sorts of godly powers, which, while true, is not necessarily the reason you should worship somebody. I mean, the devil has supernatural powers too, but you don’t worship him, right? Right. > > Anyway, God says the whole Christian thing was just a phase he was going through, he wanted to try being human for a while, got nailed to some wood for his trouble, and he’d really rather forget about the whole thing. It’s not fun being reminded of moments you’re not so proud of. The whole thing was kind of a big blur, I mean, God doesn’t even remember most of Jesus’ life, just the end where he got whacked. But it seems to God that if Jesus’ life were worth remembering, more chapters might have been written about the times when he wasn’t 30+ years old. What was he doing in his twenties? As a teenager? I mean he doesn’t remember, and God says you know, he was a kid, he was probably up to the usual kid stuff, like making mischief. Ever hear of Atlantis? Well, it was originally supposed to be a practical joke, making the whole island sink, but like all practical jokes, you can take things to extremes and people’s feelings can get hurt. > > Anyway God’s real sorry about the whole thing, it was either Jesus acting out as a child or some wine-induced benders later in life, and there’s nothing worse than a drunk person with supernatural powers. He’d really appreciate it if you stopped bringing it up in casual conversation. Also, he says that the whole Jesus thing was a phase, he’s not coming back, Jesus is deader than disco. That whole persona has been retired. > > I mean, did you hear what he said he’d be coming back with? He said he’d be coming back with horsemen and chariots to fight dragons and shit. Obviously Jesus was smoking a lot of the wacky tobaccky back in those days. You really just have to ignore most of it, especially the parts that contradict the other parts. > > God’s advice is to just live your own life, and not worry so much about the atheists, because they’re nice enough to simply enjoy “classic Jesus” without clamoring constantly about a reunion tour. Look, Eddie Murphy was on Saturday Night Live, and yea, it was good, but nowadays he mostly does voice overs. He’s not interested in making a comeback like that. > > Just read your Bible and enjoy the stories, God says they’ve generally got a good message but a lot of them are just straight fiction. But that’s okay, it’s still a good series of books. He also recommends Harry Potter, there’s a lot of similar themes, such as death and resurrection, an evil demon-like creature who wants to control the world and corrupt people, supernatural powers, and so forth. Just as fictional, but with a modern setting, and easy to relate to the characters. It’s not a bunch of begatting and floods and child sacrifice and rapes and god-sanctioned genocides stuff. > > By the way, God’s really sorry about all the mass murders. He promises he won’t do it again in the same way. Less flooding, more war chariots next time. Whenever you see a rainbow, you’ll know he’s telling the truth. so sayeth the **pizzaguy** , anchovy. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/86 "2013-08-26T05:12:52Z")
I saw Jesus today. He works in the Gardening department at Home Depot. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/87 "2013-08-26T05:16:33Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > I saw Jesus today. He works in the Gardening department at Home Depot. But he thinks he’s in The Garden of Gethsemane. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/88 "2013-08-26T05:30:10Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > But he thinks he’s in The Garden of Gethsemane. _Peter, I can’t see your Home Depot from here_ ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/89 "2013-08-26T05:40:28Z")
> [@Mr.Miskatonic](#): > > Cthulhu shall rise. > [@MEBuckner](#): > > _Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Yahshua Yerushalayim wgah’nagl fhtagn!_ Just look at [this](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hanO6GAqmrQ/T-YTdMu2API/AAAAAAAANH4/thyGeTZbCZ0/s1600/sculptur%C4%83+satanic%C4%83+la+Vatican.jpg), and then tell me that the Pope doesn’t _really_ work for Cthulhu. > [@Mijin](#): > > LOL: Jesus descends from the heavens and the first thought is “Quick, get some stones, we didn’t finish him!” > “OK, he’s a zombie – we need a headshot this time” No, no, [Jesus isn’t a zombie; he’s a Lich](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1zudl2Xd31r6xcvmo1_500.jpg). We need to find his phylactory and destroy it. ---
**Author:** ![PBear42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PBear42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PBear42)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/90 "2013-08-26T05:42:55Z")
**pizzaguy** , can’t say I LOLed, but I smiled. Well done. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/91 "2013-08-26T06:12:00Z")
After browsing through the lolthulhu archives, it suddenly struck me that the FSM bears a striking resemblance to an elder god. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/92 "2013-08-26T06:21:45Z")
> [@akennett](#): > > I mean, come on, you don’t seriously believe that there are 2000 year old Jews wandering the Earth, do you? I don’t know how far a single 1-year-old baby can “wander,” let alone 2000 of them. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/93 "2013-08-26T10:20:49Z")
I’ve been an atheist for decades, but this thread made me a believer. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/94 "2013-08-26T11:17:40Z")
> [@akennett](#): > > I mean, come on, you don’t seriously believe that there are 2000 year old Jews wandering the Earth, do you? Joan Rivers? ---
**Author:** ![tarnation\_eudemonia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c77e96/32.png) [@tarnation\_eudemonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tarnation_eudemonia)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/95 "2013-08-26T11:19:38Z")
If Jesus comes like a thief in the night, can I shoot him under the “stand your ground” laws? ---
**Author:** ![monavis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e0b2c6/32.png) [@monavis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monavis)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/96 "2013-08-26T11:39:29Z")
> [@jesusguy](#): > > Jesus is coming back someday and he’ll back like a thief in the night. (1 Thessalonians 5:2) We need to examine our lives and get serious. For those who haven’t you need to accept jesus as your savior and repent for your sins to get to heaven - no other belief, religion, or way will get you there. > > For those who accepted jesus but aren’t living righteously, you need to repent for your sins daily and ask God for the strength and wisdom to live righteously. > > -God bless, take it easy. You need to Read your Bible more, and think of what you write. Matthew writes that Jesus said he was going to return in His Father’s glory, before some of them listening to him saw death. also that the world would end in that generation when asked by his apostles when it would end. Either Jesus was misquoted , or Matthew was wrong. Don’t try to act like the Pharisees that Jesus hated because they felt they were the only people doing what God wanted. They spent too much time looking at what they thought was wrong with others and couldn’t see the plank in their own eyes. Also the Bible is the word of another human and that is a proven fact ! ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/97 "2013-08-26T11:41:19Z")
> [@tarnation\_eudemonia](#): > > If Jesus comes like a thief in the night, can I shoot him under the “stand your ground” laws? In some states, yes. Then we’ll have entire new religions springing up around the central question of “What did Jesus die for this time?” I myself will be a member of the Church of the Holy .357 Magnum ---
**Author:** ![monavis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e0b2c6/32.png) [@monavis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monavis)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/98 "2013-08-26T11:49:46Z")
> [@rsat3acr](#): > > Heck, I’ll give you even odds he won’t even coment on any of these posts. > > And to the OP what about Jesus saying to the masses(I’m not goning to look up the chapter and verse so I’ll paraphrase) “There are those of you here today that won’t taste death before God establishes his kingdom on Earth.” Guess he was a bit wrong there. I believe Jesus existed but was just a mortal Apocalyptic Jew. When God didn’t show up the Apostles had to come up with a new story so they invented the resurection. Since both the Romans and Joesphous (sp?) each mention the historical Jesus I find it rather strange thst they wouldn’t mention something so big as a resurrection. What was strange to me is why Jesus’s mother and his close friends didn’t expect a Resurrection! Other wise why would they come to anoint a dead body? Why didn’t they recognize him? It raises many questions if one thinks about it. Jesus according to the NT said several times he would come back to life on the third day! ---
**Author:** ![Lightnin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightnin/32/180_2.png) [@Lightnin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightnin)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/99 "2013-08-26T11:52:12Z")
Jesus saves, Cthulhu _invests_. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164/100 "2013-08-26T12:07:56Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > In some states, yes. > > Then we’ll have entire new religions springing up around the central question of “What did Jesus die for this time?” > > I myself will be a member of the Church of the Holy .357 Magnum Instead of the Sign of the Cross, future believers will go “_Shhk-SHHK!_” and make the Sign of the Twelve-Gauge. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-message-to-all-atheists-unbelievers-and-lukewarm-christians/667164.md?page=6)