# A Modest Proposal **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 2, 2001, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058 "2001-11-02T04:00:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Philosophocles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Philosophocles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philosophocles)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/1 "2001-11-02T04:00:06Z")
Let’s disband the Secret Service and delegate their tasks to private companies. Think of all the money we could save if we just let Wackenhut and other rent-a-cop firms compete to offer the lowest bid. Sincerely, J. Swift ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/2 "2001-11-02T05:05:03Z")
Hey, kewl! Okay, here’s a list of their tasks. Who can we get? [http://www.ustreas.gov/usss/faq.htm](http://www.ustreas.gov/usss/faq.htm) Besides the bodyguarding stuff, > [@](#): > > The Secret Service has primary jurisdiction to investigate > > threats against Secret Service protectees; > > counterfeiting of U.S. currency or other U.S. Government obligations; > > forgery or theft of U.S. Treasury checks, bonds or other securities; > > credit card fraud; > > telecommunications fraud; > > computer fraud; > > identity fraud; > > and certain other crimes affecting federally insured financial institutions. How about Microsoft for the Computer Fraud Division? Miss Cleo for Telecommunications Fraud? Xerox Corporation for Counterfeiting Division? And the bodyguarding? How about Rosie O’Donnell being in charge of that, and she can hire from wherever she got her kid’s bodyguard? Hey, if he’s good enough for Blake, he’s good enough for Dubya. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/3 "2001-11-02T15:06:35Z")
Superman is the obvious candidate to investigate identity fraud. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/4 "2001-11-02T15:33:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nostradamus \* > \*\*Superman is the obvious candidate to investigate identity fraud. \*\* Hey! What about me? I _AM_ the official superhero of this forum. And I can always use my _Middle Finger of Doom_[sup]™[/sup] to catch the perpetrators of these heinous crimes in the act. And I work cheaper, too. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/5 "2001-11-02T16:06:28Z")
**Superdude** is the obvious candidate to investigate identity fraud. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/6 "2001-11-02T16:15:33Z")
Thank you. I graciously accept the position. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/7 "2001-11-02T16:22:03Z")
Not so fast, **Superdude**. You are the obvious candidate. That doesn’t mean you’ve got the job. We need to examine the credentials and suitability of **Batdude** and **Spiderdude** for this position as well. We’ll let you know. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/8 "2001-11-02T17:00:53Z")
True, but I have it on good authority that **Batdude** smells, and **Spiderdude** is just generally creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-modest-proposal/91058/9 "2001-11-02T17:57:48Z")
Aha! So, **Superdude** , it would appear that your qualifications for the job, by implication, are: 1. You don’t give off obnoxious aromas. 2. You are not generally creepy. This is a good start. These qualities may suffice to get you on the shortlist. However your vulnerability to _Dudekryptonite_ may go against you. The Committee is discussing this aspect of your application as we speak.