# A new Punch Line thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [April 8, 2020, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364 "2020-04-08T17:58:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/61 "2020-04-09T14:01:39Z")
“I freed the _what_?!?” “Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you like the play?” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/62 "2020-04-09T14:08:36Z")
“Take him ‘draggies.’” “That’s okay. He can be the football!” “That’s okay. He can be first base!” “That’s okay. We can watch him flop around on the hot tar!” “Superman. Now gimme my piece of candy!” “A GREAT BIG FUCKING RAT WITH A COCK THIS LONG!” “Fuck! I didn’t wanna be in this goddamned play anyway!” ---
**Author:** ![drad\_dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@drad\_dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drad_dog)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/63 "2020-04-09T16:45:28Z")
Surprise, surprise!! That ain’t my finger neither. ---
**Author:** ![drad\_dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@drad\_dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drad_dog)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/64 "2020-04-09T16:46:30Z")
Men! Bring me my brown pants! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/65 "2020-04-09T17:12:12Z")
“Very good. Now take my daughter to the airport.” “He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.” “Vito.” ---
**Author:** ![Yorkshire\_Pudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/59ef9b/32.png) [@Yorkshire\_Pudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorkshire_Pudding)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/66 "2020-04-09T17:32:11Z")
No! It’s just some frost on my top lip… Same as everyone else: wash it and bring it back. Tanketty-tank! Tanketty-tank! Police reckon he topped himself. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/67 "2020-04-09T18:01:30Z")
“He’s a husky fucker!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/68 "2020-04-09T18:10:38Z")
God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon. ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/69 "2020-04-09T19:01:10Z")
“Cut the rope” “Union Carbide” “Because she had no arms” “Because of the mace” ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/70 "2020-04-09T19:03:34Z")
“A homesick abortion” “No, but that’s a real nice ski mask” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/71 "2020-04-09T19:10:29Z")
“Ooo, you’re not gonna like Thursdays.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/72 "2020-04-09T19:17:00Z")
“When the air conditioner breaks.” “Over the checkbook.” “Facing Bloomingdale’s.” “Simultaneous headaches.” “She had a headache with the mailman.” “A toilet doesn’t have droopy boobs.” “A toilet doesn’t follow you around when you’re done with it.” “With a little whine and cheese.” “I wanna go to Miami!” ---
**Author:** ![MikeF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MikeF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeF)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/73 "2020-04-09T19:21:58Z")
And the Irishman thinks, “I can’t wait for the next tunnel”. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/74 "2020-04-09T19:41:34Z")
“Just one, so long as there’s plenty of oil and he’s reeeal careful!” “Five. One to do it, and four to write about _the experience_.” “ONE, DAMMIT!” “What’s a lightbulb, and how do you screw it in?” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/75 "2020-04-09T20:39:50Z")
_“Moooo!”_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/76 "2020-04-09T22:52:05Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > _“Moooo!”_ “Hey! This one looks like yours!” “Toss down my gap wedge. You can’t get out of here with a nine iron.” “Look: You gonna play golf, or do you wanna just fuck around all day?” “What are you pissed off for? I told you: Only if it rains!” ---
**Author:** ![Jet\_Jaguar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jet_jaguar/32/3562_2.png) [@Jet\_Jaguar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jet_Jaguar)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/77 "2020-04-09T23:06:41Z")
“Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises!” “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?” “And whatever God wants, he keeps!” “That sheep’s a liar!” “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!” ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2020, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/78 "2020-04-09T23:18:50Z")
The first time he tried it he got sick, and the second time his hat blew off. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_the\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Sean\_the\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_the_Dog)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2020, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/79 "2020-04-10T02:08:23Z")
Okay, now the big guns are coming out: Little Johnnie “I know! I know!! It’s a horny bastard!” “Ahem… Winnie the Shit” “And if any of you fuckers want to know why this train is twenty minutes late, go and ask the cunt in the kitchen” “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!” The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary. “…and my cat went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he could say “FUCK OFF!”, the dog ate him!” “It’s a puppy!” “Well, it’s a fucking good thing, 'cause he sure as hell can’t wear glasses!!” “Jesus Christ! You’re feeding me asshole?!?” “From what I just saw, my school days are over!” “A jack.” “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!” “What’re ya gonna do, fuck him?” “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful,…just fucking beautiful!’” “I ain’t got enough shit for that.” “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.” “What the fuck do you think?” “But do me a favour and flip her over, Daddy. I’d rather have a puppy.” " My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so fucking big, she can only fasten eight." “The color doesn’t tell you, the black ones had dicks.” “Fucking homework and tests!” “No Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blow-job.” “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.” “No, he minded his own fucking business!” “Well, one’s thing’s for sure, I don’t want the fucking corn flakes.” * * * “Stay the blazes home” - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia ---
**Author:** ![Tatterdemalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/43a26b/32.png) [@Tatterdemalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tatterdemalion)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2020, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/80 "2020-04-10T02:15:07Z")
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