# A new Punch Line thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [April 8, 2020, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364 "2020-04-08T17:58:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/161 "2020-04-14T01:06:32Z")
“Pity Margaret wasn’t here. We could have saved the Bentley.” “Ask her to spell ‘Mom’ backwards.” “She had to study for her Pap test.” “Bottoms up!” “She wanted to double her wardrobe.” “Her husband.” “One minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.” “She shaved her legs.” “To grow up and learn the alphabet.” “You can only eat what you can spell.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/162 "2020-04-14T01:20:34Z")
“She lost fourteen days.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/163 "2020-04-14T03:19:28Z")
Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff… in your new Mercedes. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/164 "2020-04-14T04:29:53Z")
“Free ham.” ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/165 "2020-04-14T10:01:43Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Well, I’m not surprised. Ever since you got here, it’s been bitch, bitch, bitch. > > Regards, > Shodan Is that the guy who goes to live in a monestary? Love that joke ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/166 "2020-04-14T15:43:29Z")
“The dumbass got drunk and fell out of a guard tower.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/167 "2020-04-14T17:04:31Z")
“Eumenides?” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/168 "2020-04-14T17:14:44Z")
“She couldn’t mend straight.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/169 "2020-04-14T21:38:23Z")
“Tell you what: I will at your wedding, Father.” > [@Superdude](#): > > Is that the guy who goes to live in a monestary? > > Love that joke I bet it is, and me, too. Although when I heard it the punchline was, “I can’t say I’m surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/170 "2020-04-14T22:09:33Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > “Tell you what: I will at your wedding, Father.” > > I bet it is, and me, too. Although when I heard it the punchline was, “I can’t say I’m surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” I heard it as, “it’s probably for the best…you bitch too much, anyway.” * * * “He broke his neck trying to lick his asshole” * * * “Oh, that? That’s my bellybutton. How do you like my tie?” ---
**Author:** ![Tatterdemalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/43a26b/32.png) [@Tatterdemalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tatterdemalion)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/171 "2020-04-14T22:24:17Z")
Pretty soon she’ll have a Van Dyke. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/172 "2020-04-14T22:33:19Z")
“One more facelift and you’ll have a Van Dyke!” “Dat’s easy, teacher: Last night, I turned on de light t’go to de pot.” “… And I said ‘Christ, it’ll take that cunt ages t’clean all that up!’” “He’s the one who says ‘Some of my best Negroes are friends.’” “When he walks in, it seems like someone just left.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2020, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/173 "2020-04-14T23:12:26Z")
“Do you know anything about high pressure boilers?” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2020, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/174 "2020-04-15T04:15:37Z")
“No, thanks. I’ll wait until the police finish their report.” ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2020, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/175 "2020-04-15T05:46:59Z")
The Amish guy says to his son, “go get your mother.” ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_the\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Sean\_the\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_the_Dog)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2020, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/176 "2020-04-15T11:30:24Z")
(Disclosure: I am a Newfie, so I have diplomatic immunity to tell these jokes.) “…but you can’t fool them circle flies!” “We can use them on the other side of the roof.” “We might not get the same boat next time.” There’s no such thing as Santa Claus or a smart Newfie. “Luh! Aww, luh!” * * * “Stay the blazes home” - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2020, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/177 "2020-04-15T16:18:41Z")
“Provided, of course, they’re commanded by white officers.” “No, no, no, just now! Messed me pants!” “Well, I don’t rightly know, mum. But somehow I found meself with me thumb up the arse of the biggest Bengal tiger I’ve ever seen!” “I know what you’ve been doing!” “Well, I suppose if they didn’t, he’d just go PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTT!” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2020, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/178 "2020-04-15T16:45:51Z")
> [@Superdude](#): > > Is that the guy who goes to live in a monestary? > > Love that joke Yes. [spoiler]He can only say two words, every ten years. Ten years go by, he says “Food’s cold”. Ten more years. He says “Beds hard.” Ten more years. He says, “I quit”. Etc.[/spoiler] Another punchline - ‘Dash dash dash dash dash dash, Dash, dash, dash dash dash. Dash dash dash dash, Dash dash dash dash, Dash dash dash dash dash, fuck.’ Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2020, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/179 "2020-04-15T18:19:44Z")
“At _Princeton_, they teach us not to piss on our hands.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2020, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364/180 "2020-04-15T19:58:08Z")
“Well, hell, you’re the first one who’s ever cut her down out of the tree!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-new-punch-line-thread/851364.md?page=10)