# A person you've just started dating asks to read your journal. Dealbreaker or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2014, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243 "2014-05-12T04:05:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/21 "2014-05-12T07:05:46Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > There is no chance I’d be compatible with someone who thought that seemed like a good question to ask, so no thanks. Someone who doesn’t understand people needing space and privacy is like **the anti-Blackberry**. That would be the [Whiteberry](http://bulbnrose.x10.mx/Heredity/Burbank/WhiteBlackberry/berry4.jpg)! 😃 (From [here](http://bulbnrose.x10.mx/Heredity/Burbank/WhiteBlackberry/WhiteBlackberry.html), discussing a real breed of white blackberry developed by Luther Burbank.) ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/22 "2014-05-12T07:11:27Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > That would be the [Whiteberry](http://bulbnrose.x10.mx/Heredity/Burbank/WhiteBlackberry/berry4.jpg)! 😃 Yeah, see? Totally not my type. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/23 "2014-05-12T07:18:14Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Okay, the journal was not the first red flag in this situation. Dude, if you look at my spoiler for the whole story, there are so many red flags in this situation it looks like a U.S.S.R. May Day parade. > [@Senegoid](#): > > That would be the [Whiteberry](http://bulbnrose.x10.mx/Heredity/Burbank/WhiteBlackberry/berry4.jpg)! 😃 That is as close to unappetizing as unspoiled fruit can get. It looks like the living embodiment of the Tracy Jordan quote, “What else is on my mind-grapes?” ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/24 "2014-05-12T11:44:46Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > And to others who are bringing up blogging or LJ, the key here is that it’s described as _private_. That’s the opposite of public, and it’s absolutely possible to make private posts that are only visible to the blog admin on any platform I can think of. No, it wasn’t. The OP projected the privacy part, which is why I’m left wondering what in the holy hell everyone is up in arms about. It obviously isn’t a private journal. My wife often keeps a travel journal that she allows anyone to read. She knows that other people will read them as she’s writing. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/25 "2014-05-12T12:18:27Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Okay, the journal was not the first red flag in this situation. Yeah no shit. The red flag was smaller in Les Miz. To go with the hypothetical I voted #2. Too many variables. It depends on how private the journal is and if it was an innocent inquiry or more of a demand. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/26 "2014-05-12T12:28:41Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Okay, the journal was not the first red flag in this situation. > [@Loach](#): > > Yeah no shit. The red flag was smaller in Les Miz. Clearly, the guy just wants to read the journal to see if there’s any historical precedent for this girl giving up the goods to someone other than her live-in BF. Seems perfectly reasonable to me. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/27 "2014-05-12T12:47:21Z")
OH HELL NO. I don’t care if it’s LiveJournal or a paper journal. To me, LJ IS NOT A BLOG IT’S A JOURNAL. Meaning that unless you’re on my Friends List there, you’re not going to read a damn thing in it unless I’ve made it a public post. I have very very very very VERY few of those, btw. You know, IT’S A JOURNAL NOT A BLOG. (yes, I have very strong feelings about this, can’t you tell?) As a kid, I was very adept at hiding stuff from adults, including the numerous diaries/journals I kept. I’d like to think, as an adult, I wouldn’t have to do such anymore. If I were in the OP’s shoes, though, my immediate response would be resenting the fact that I’d feel as though I’d have to hide it. Eventually it would color the entire relationship on my end to the extent that the relationship would blow up in spectacularly firework fashion. (and yes, a version of this happened with somebody I was seeing before SO and I met/married, why do you ask?) ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/28 "2014-05-12T13:28:50Z")
Speaking as someone who has kept a daily journal since the day I turned 8 (51 1/2 years ago!!) I’d be fine with the asking. And when I said “no” that should be the end of it. If the person started bugging me, total dealbreaker. “No” is a perfectly acceptable answer. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/29 "2014-05-12T13:36:21Z")
I voted for the second option, because on just reading the OP, I can imagine a scenario where it came up in conversation, and the guy wants to seem interested and just playfully says “Ooh, can I read it?” in a non-creepy, half-joking way. And the girl says “No, that’s private” and that is the end of that. It seems to me that it would be harsh to make this a dealbreaker, even though I can empathise with the responses saying it is inappropriate to ask. Then again, I have never kept a journal. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/30 "2014-05-12T13:39:33Z")
No. Go find another playground to stalk, perv. ---
**Author:** ![nevadaexile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb8c5e/32.png) [@nevadaexile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nevadaexile)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/31 "2014-05-12T13:39:42Z")
> [@choie](#): > > Wow, answers came in quickly! Very interesting, thank you! I’m on board with some, intrigued by others. > > Okay, my response and the reason for the poll: > > My friend, a woman who’s been seeing a guy longterm (actually living with him) but they have a kind of open relationship, has had a sorta crush on this work colleague for a while. They went on a couple of… not dates, really; just outings. To an amusement park for her birthday, to a concert, and over to his place to watch \*Game of Thrones \*(or something, I don’t remember). She has told him that she doesn’t plan on making this relationship sexual because she has a live-in boyfriend. > > During the _Game of Thrones_ (or whatever) evening, the guy says wistfully that he sure wishes they could go further, but he respects her decisions. He suddenly asks her if he can read her journal. > > My friend said yes. She thinks it was sweet and flattering. > > My response to the poll and this situation: > > [spoiler]What the fuck?! Hell yes that’s a dealbreaker. It doesn’t matter what I wrote in the journal, I don’t care if I just use it for daily pencil sketches of bunnies and solitaire tic-tac-toe games. Just the idea of someone _asking_ that question makes me think this is a guy who doesn’t respect boundaries. I wouldn’t ask it of my husband, best friends, sisters, or child. God, a _shrink_ will almost never make such a request (unless the journal is some sort of CBT assignment, maybe). > > This guy sounds like a manipulative creeper. I fear my friend is a sweet but staggeringly naive young person with very poor judgment. (And for anyone who remembers another thread I started about the girl who got fired from a daycare because she’s living with a guy who’s an RSO? You’ll probably agree with me–yes, this is the same chick.)[/spoiler] > > Whew. Okay, glad to get that out there. I think that your “friend” has bigger issues than simply thinking that it is “sweet” for someone who she barely knows to read her journal. She also seems to believe that she can somehow manage a relationship/friendship/whatever with a potential stalker. Her entire thought process in this matter is woefully skewed. Not only would I not allow someone who I barely knew to read a journal if I routinely kept one, I would consider such request to be a warning sign of trouble ahead. I would allow the relationship to cool and I might even simply end things completely as the request is so odd that, to me at least, it approaches the sinister. This person would no longer have free access to my home or my vehicle (if they even did) and I would demote them to acquaintance from potential friend. Your friend seems to be playing with fire as this man seems to want more their interaction than she apparently realizes.her best bet would be if he grows tired of waiting to get intimate with her and moves on to other interests. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/32 "2014-05-12T13:45:37Z")
Fuck that. It’s like reading private emails. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/33 "2014-05-12T13:53:25Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > OH HELL NO. > > I don’t care if it’s LiveJournal or a paper journal. To me, LJ IS NOT A BLOG IT’S A JOURNAL. Meaning that unless you’re on my Friends List there, you’re not going to read a damn thing in it unless I’ve made it a public post. I have very very very very VERY few of those, btw. You know, IT’S A JOURNAL NOT A BLOG. Well, it’s a journal if you want it to be a journal, a blog if you want it to be a blog, or anywhere in between. My wife has had a LJ for over a decade - since years before we met. She filters the hell out of it, meaning she has a number of posts that are completely public, others that are filtered from strangers, filtered from all but her closest friends, and some that are completely private even from me. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/34 "2014-05-12T14:03:58Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > No, it wasn’t. The OP projected the privacy part, which is why I’m left wondering what in the holy hell everyone is up in arms about. It obviously isn’t a private journal. Wait, what? (_SFX: Record scratch_) Hold on, how can I project something when it’s \*my \*hypothetical? If I want to posit that the journal is pink with Justin Bieber on the cover, then you guys should be answering as if you own a pink Justin Bieber journal. That’s kinda how this game works, isn’t it? > [@](#): > > My wife often keeps a travel journal that she allows anyone to read. She knows that other people will read them as she’s writing. Sure, yeah, that’s called “publishing” a “public blog,” and unless one doesn’t understand how the Internet works, you don’t publish public stuff in that manner unless you intended other people to read it in the first place. But that’s as it may be and has nothing to do with the thread’s question. I didn’t include the inspiration for the poll in the OP for a reason: I wanted folks to answer the question _tabula rasa_. Again, for the sake of this hypothetical, it’s a private journal, as in, you didn’t plan for anyone to read it as you wrote it. You wrote it with pen and a spiral-bound notebook. You keep it in your top desk drawer near your nighttable. This is not a travel blog on [Wordpress.com](http://Wordpress.com), not a cooking LiveJournal, not something you intend to publish because your personal memoirs rival _A Child Called It_. It’s a personal diary of your daily thoughts, a little book with lined, dated pages like the kind people owned when I was a kid (back when knighthood was in flower). Since this is my hypothetical I’ll also posit that it even has a lock on it. Clearer? [spoiler]Real life update: Since getting the response from my friend to my questions, I now know that the background behind the question was that at work the previous week, some people had been talking about blogging vs. private diaries and how nowadays it seems as if everyone is an exhibitionist instead of maintaining private thoughts. My friend mentioned, well, she has a public blog for sharing thoughts about writing, religion and music, but she also has a private diary that’s very different. he next weekend was third date, when this guy suddenly asked The Journal Question. So, yes, she wrote this diary with no intention of showing other people. She has never shown it to her live-in boyfriend, and no one else including the boyfriend has asked to see it before. I find it very amusing that this work-friend-date guy is getting outclassed in the realm of “understanding boundaries” by a freakin’ registered sex-offender![/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/35 "2014-05-12T14:15:08Z")
> [@choie](#): > > Wait, what? (_SFX: Record scratch_) Hold on, how can I project something when it’s \*my \*hypothetical? If I want to posit that the journal is pink with Justin Bieber on the cover, then you guys should be answering as if you own a pink Justin Bieber journal. That’s kinda how this game works, isn’t it? Not when you post conflicting accounts. If you wanted me to ignore the real situation, then you shouldn’t have posted it. Once you did, it trumped the hypothetical. I voted for option 2 anyway. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/36 "2014-05-12T14:18:36Z")
> [@nevadaexile](#): > > I think that your “friend” has bigger issues than simply thinking that it is “sweet” for someone who she barely knows to read her journal. She also seems to believe that she can somehow manage a relationship/friendship/whatever with a potential stalker. Her entire thought process in this matter is woefully skewed. > > Not only would I not allow someone who I barely knew to read a journal if I routinely kept one, I would consider such request to be a warning sign of trouble ahead. I would allow the relationship to cool and I might even simply end things completely as the request is so odd that, to me at least, it approaches the sinister. This person would no longer have free access to my home or my vehicle (if they even did) and I would demote them to acquaintance from potential friend. > > Your friend seems to be playing with fire as this man seems to want more their interaction than she apparently realizes.her best bet would be if he grows tired of waiting to get intimate with her and moves on to other interests. Too late for the edit window, but I wanted to say: yes, **nevadaexaile** , everything you wrote is precisely the oogy feeling I got. In fact the whole genesis for the email conversation between her and me was that she wanted to ask me if I thought the guy sounded like a “player” (her word). Our email conversation started before the third date, and my initial response to her was actually “well, not from the way you describe him, but I don’t know the guy’s history or his typical behavior with women; he could be a skank or just a very friendly guy; hard for me to judge.” At that point he hadn’t started “sighing wistfully” (again, her words) about the lack of a sexual future with her, much less asked the journal question. Now, armed with the new info she sent yesterday, I’ve changed my opinion and I think his behavior–at least with her–has moved into creeper territory. She has a really weird background regarding religion and schooling and stuff. (I went into all this in a previous thread–imagine going to a one-room schoolhouse run by Dwight Schrute from _The Office_; it’s kinda like that!) ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/37 "2014-05-12T14:19:11Z")
I voted not necessarily a dealbreaker, too ma variables. That said, I’d say that it more likely is a dealbreaker than not, at least for me, and given the way the OP subsequently described the situation, I’d say it would be in that situation. Speaking for myself, I put a very high value on privacy and trust, not so much that I’m particularly private, but that I think it’s important to respect an individual’s need for such, even within the context of a commited relationship. That is, in general, in a relationship, I’m happy to share just about anything, but it’s important that certain boundaries be respected. So, for instance, things that have a reasonable expectation of privacy, like emails, a journal, texts/voicemail, require asking. Without complications, I’d probably have no problem with it, but that’s unlikely. The reason that can get complicated is that not everything that has a reasonable expectation of privacy is necessarily only my privacy at stake. For instance, if I have correspondence with a friend and they’re sharing personal details, those aren’t mine to share, even with a long term girlfriend. When I have been asked such things in the past, I’ve often had to turn it down precisely because there were secrets in there that were not mine to decide who could and could not know. As far as a journal, I don’t have one, so it adds another variable of exactly what sort of stuff I might write in one. If it’s just random thoughts throughout the day, I’d have no problem sharing that, but that’s also something I’d be unlikely to keep. If I were tracking all sorts of things, including the secrets of others, I wouldn’t share it. If, perhaps, I had some raw thoughts about people in there, the sort that we all think but aren’t likely to say to people, I generally don’t have a problem sharing that sort of stuff, but it seems most people don’t like hearing people’s unfiltered opinions like that, and I usually don’t do that more for the comfort of other people. Speaking specifically on the case of the OP, unless the journal is purely of the first type, which I’d have to say is probably pretty unlikely, and even then, given the fishy nature of the request, I’d say it’s likely straight up wrong, in possibly sharing secrets that shouldn’t be shared, but almost certainly a bad idea, in either giving that person unfiltered opinions, or at least fuel towards his nefarious ends of wanting to sleep with her when she’s already in a relationship. My take, in this situation, would be that she should reduce contact with him and definitely not share her journal with him. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/38 "2014-05-12T14:19:45Z")
So far I’m the only one that picked the last option. That’s because if I did keep a journal it would have almost nothing in it. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/39 "2014-05-12T14:22:27Z")
How does the person even know about the journal at all? If the journal-writer mentioned it, in what context? What sort of journal is it? All of these are needed to know what the appropriate response is. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2014, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/40 "2014-05-12T14:26:39Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Not when you post conflicting accounts. If you wanted me to ignore the real situation, then you shouldn’t have posted it. Once you did, it trumped the hypothetical. Um, fair enough, I guess… I didn’t know people would find it so hard to compartmentalize. But for the record, that’s why I put the inspiration for the question in a completely separate post with a spoiler, far from the original question. What is my “conflicting account,” though? One is a hypothetical question I was asking, and took great pains to use neutral terms because I wanted the poll question answered purely as-is. The later post was the background/inspiration for the hypothetical question, but was not _the_ poll question. If it had been, I’d have put that in the OP. Kinda seemed obvious to me. Dang. Some people are… very, very literal. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243.md?page=3)