# A person you've just started dating asks to read your journal. Dealbreaker or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2014, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243 "2014-05-12T04:05:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3da27b/32.png) [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikki_Tikki_Tavi)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/61 "2014-05-14T13:24:27Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I would nope the fuck right out of there. This. Especially if it’s known that it’s not just a daily log like **flatlined** keeps but an actual diary with private thoughts. My journal ranges from unfiltered ranting to fiction scenarios to boring “this is what happened today” and it is for me alone. Asking to read it (again, with the understanding that it’s that sort of journal and not a book of poetry or something) would set off alarm bells for me.\* > [@muldoonthief](#): > > I’d show them the decoy journal. Hee hee. \*Full disclosure: I am getting out of a relationship with someone who would regularly go through my phone and emails, so I might be especially touchy about this. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/62 "2014-05-14T17:01:03Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > That would be a huge red flag to me. I consider that sort of inappropriate request to be a warning sign that I’m dealing with a controlling personality. This. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I would nope the fuck right out of there. And this. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/63 "2014-05-14T17:05:24Z")
I can think of very few questions that would be a deal breaker in and of themself (maybe “Want to join me on my next killing spree?”). Asking pretty much anything is perfectly acceptable to me. When asked a question like the one in the OP I am most likely to respond with a question of my own - “Why would you ask that?”. The motivation for asking the question is what I base relationship decisions on. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/64 "2014-05-14T20:26:57Z")
Unless we’re living through a Plague Year, or it’s 1942 and I’m hiding behind a bookcase, or I am 13 and 3/4 years old, the red flag is mainly that this person apparently wants to read what is likely to be the most mind-numbingly boring drivel available on this planet. Why on earth would they want to read that?! They are clearly a total freak. They need to be committed asap. Have they definitely read all of the _Decline and Fall_, because they should probably finish that before starting on the Gracer Chronicles. I do not keep a diary. My life is pretty fun, but even just _writing_ a journal would probably make my eyeballs bleed from boredom, let alone _reading_ it. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/65 "2014-05-14T20:34:19Z")
I don’t keep a journal, but if I did, I don’t think I’d even let my husband see it. Not that I was keeping secrets from him exactly, but when I did journal, I would sometimes rant or whine just to get things out of my system. I’d hate to have ranted about some insignificant thing that I’d long since forgotten and have him get his feeling hurt about it. Some things are best kept private. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/66 "2014-05-14T21:22:44Z")
5/14/14 _Dear Diary,_ Today I noticed that my left big toenail grows faster than my right big toenail! Seriously, it’s slightly longer! I’m not lying!!! I always clip them both at the same time, so what’s up with that?! 😕😕😕 Oh well, I guess I’d better go for now. Talk to you again tomorrow!!! :)😉 Signed, VT ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/67 "2014-05-14T21:32:03Z")
They could ask, and I’d say no so fast it wouldn’t be funny. What I write, until it’s published, is between me & Og\*. \*and he’s not my type. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/68 "2014-05-14T23:27:34Z")
You never let a woman know your thoughts, so my answer is hell to the no. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/69 "2014-05-15T00:51:52Z")
I have kept a journal and it was deeply personal and private and I would not have shared it with anyone, but I’m not sure I would go off the deep end of outrage if someone who knew I kept it had asked to read it. I really think it makes a difference how and in what context the person asks to read it. Is it playful and joking, knowing the answer will be no? Is it wistful, hoping to convey a message that the asker wants to get to know the writer better, but doesn’t really expect to read her most private and intimate thoughts? Or is it just a clueless overstepping of boundaries? And, to muddy the waters, I’ll share this little story. I was driving across Canada and had stopped at one of the rest areas somewhere in Saskatchewan to let my dogs out for a pee and stretch my legs. There was one other person there - a guy riding a motorcycle and we struck up a conversation. We were chatting and he told me he was keeping a journal of his ride across Canada. This was pre-internet, so his journal was the old-fashioned notebook kind. He asked if I wanted to read it and then presented it to me. It was a bit weird - it was quite personal. I didn’t read much, just enough to say wow, cool, thanks for sharing, but I guess it suggests that not everyone who journals does so with the expectation that no one else will ever read it. ---
**Author:** ![Marlonius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Marlonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlonius)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/70 "2014-05-15T02:10:27Z")
I’ve been married 16 years. I’ve never seen the inside of my wife’s journal. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/71 "2014-05-15T03:51:55Z")
> [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](#): > > This. Especially if it’s known that it’s not just a **daily log** like **flatlined** keeps but an actual diary with private thoughts. My journal ranges from unfiltered ranting to fiction scenarios to boring “this is what happened today” and it is for me alone. Asking to read it (again, with the understanding that it’s that sort of journal and not a book of poetry or something) would set off alarm bells for me.\* > > Hee hee. > > \*Full disclosure: I am getting out of a relationship with someone who would regularly go through my phone and emails, so I might be especially touchy about this. Thank you…I knew there was a term for what I do, but I couldn’t get it. > [@VinylTurnip](#): > > 5/14/14 > > _Dear Diary,_ > > Today I noticed that my left big toenail grows faster than my right big toenail! Seriously, it’s slightly longer! I’m not lying!!! I always clip them both at the same time, so what’s up with that?! 😕😕😕 > > Oh well, I guess I’d better go for now. Talk to you again tomorrow!!! :)😉 > > Signed, > VT Yeah, I laughed. And no, I’m sorry…I didn’t write that sort of stuff in my daily log. I do use Word to write long pages about how my life is going, but then I hit the delete key. My daily log for the day: Caught 2 ferals. Both were euthed. Felv sucks. Bill is home. Happy. Temp is X, nighttime is expected to be X. Camp Pendleton is burning. Walker is burning. The magnolias are blooming, the honey suckle hasn’t bloomed yet. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/72 "2014-05-15T12:40:17Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > My daily log for the day: > > Caught 2 ferals. Both were euthed. Felv sucks. > > Bill is home. Happy. > > Temp is X, nighttime is expected to be X. > > Camp Pendleton is burning. > > Walker is burning. > > The magnolias are blooming, the honey suckle hasn’t bloomed yet. One day, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich is going to come along and reconstruct your whole life from that book. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/73 "2014-05-15T14:12:28Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > My daily log for the day: > > Caught 2 ferals. Both were euthed. Felv sucks. > > Bill is home. Happy. > > Temp is X, nighttime is expected to be X. > > Camp Pendleton is burning. > > Walker is burning. > > The magnolias are blooming, the honey suckle hasn’t bloomed yet. May I read that? ---
**Author:** ![SarahRodriguez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@SarahRodriguez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SarahRodriguez)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/74 "2014-05-15T17:59:10Z")
1. Not a dealbreaker, but I wouldn’t show him/her the journal. That’s way too early to even be asking such a question. Even if the journal was laying out, they shouldn’t ask. I don’t even let my husband of 6 years read my journal. It’s my private book for my thoughts only, If I wanted him to read it I wouldn’t have written it in a journal (It’s labeled journal) I would have written it in a notebook that I leave out where people can see it. I have a journal from when I was a teenager that I have showed to him though. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/75 "2014-05-15T19:07:14Z")
My reaction was the same as yours - “what the hell - way over the line creepy! I’d be pissed if my husband of 20 years wanted to read my journal” (which I don’t keep because I don’t want people to read). But then - my creepometer is set to be very sensitive compared to many other peoples. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/76 "2014-05-15T19:10:29Z")
I could see myself asking, if only because I would consider it a novelty. I don’t know of anyone that actually has such a thing. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/77 "2014-05-19T16:30:30Z")
I’ve never asked, but a girl in college did give me hers to read once. We even discussed it a bit. All up until it got the place where I believe it was going to talk about her losing her virginity, when she pulled it out of my hands. All I saw was about it being a special night with her boyfriend. We went on to play the MASH game for some reason after that. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2014, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/78 "2014-05-19T17:20:58Z")
It would be a dealbreaker with me. My journal is very personal to me and sometimes what I write in it is for emotional release of rather intense feelings. Even my husband knows that is a do not do issue. I honestly think I would divorce him if he violated my privacy like that without an exceptional reason (life or death). ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2014, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/79 "2014-05-19T17:22:22Z")
2.) I’d view it as Person showing a genuine interest in getting to know me better. If I’m comfortable with who I am and what I’ve written, I let them read it. If I’m insecure, I don’t. Either way, I don’t see any harm in the asking. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/80 "2014-05-21T05:54:42Z")
Voted 1. If she’s asking that soon, she either has boundary or trust issues. I’m not going to stick around long enough to find out which. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243.md?page=5)