# A person you've just started dating asks to read your journal. Dealbreaker or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2014, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243 "2014-05-12T04:05:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/81 "2014-05-21T06:11:14Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Clearly journals are a far more touchy subject than I, a non-journaler, ever thought. Good to know. > > If someone asked to read my hypothetical journal, I’d say sure if there was nothing in the volume I didn’t want them to see and no if it did. I can’t imagine most of the entries would be all that interesting. Snap, sums up my thoughts perfectly. i would never have known that some people consider the content of their journal to be so intensely private. For mine, the question was innocent enough, asking to see it as in curious about what sort of stuff you write about etc. If the answer is “no”, then fine. I voted option 3 btw. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/82 "2014-05-21T07:57:13Z")
Thanks for all the answers, folks. Very interesting! **Inner Stickler** and **stui magpie** (and the others who don’t keep journals and are surprised they’re touchy subjects), a while back in the thread I added a post with a hypothetical that gives you guys a new way to think about it, although with all the other posts in the thread I doubt it was visible. I’ll repeat it here. For those without private journals and assume you’d never write anything that’d be all that interesting in them, imagine instead that this person on your third date asks to read your outgoing/sent personal emails (or texts). Is this a) presumptuous or b) no problem? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/83 "2014-05-21T08:04:15Z")
> [@choie](#): > > Thanks for all the answers, folks. Very interesting! > > **Inner Stickler** and **stui magpie** (and the others who don’t keep journals and are surprised they’re touchy subjects), a while back in the thread I added a post with a hypothetical that gives you guys a new way to think about it, although with all the other posts in the thread I doubt it was visible. I’ll repeat it here. > > For those without private journals and assume you’d never write anything that’d be all that interesting in them, imagine instead that this person on your third date asks to read your outgoing/sent personal emails (or texts). > > Is this a) presumptuous or b) no problem? I think I missed the post you mean. 🙂 For wanting to read email, I’d find that really strange. Not necessarily because it’s invasive but just because it would be an odd sort of thing to ask. I would expect basically everyone to have email but I wouldn’t even know they kept a journal unless they had brought it up since I’m not even aware of anyone I know keeping one. I might ask to read it, just because it would be a complete novelty to me. It feels like the sort of thing someone might have done a century or more ago. ---
**Author:** ![randompattern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@randompattern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randompattern)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/84 "2014-05-21T08:18:29Z")
Deal breaker… I’ve never kept a journal because I don’t want it to be read. If I did keep one it would be for private thoughts, the fact that someone would ask to read it would be a put off. I would also spend too much mental time stressing about that person looking for it because I’m kinda crazy. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/85 "2014-05-21T11:28:16Z")
This sounds way more fucked up than just letting someone read your private journal (I hope I’m reading this right: it wasn’t a livejournal or similar accessible to anyone who tried to search knowing your username). An open relationship, but one that doesn’t allow sex with anyone else? How is that an open relationship? And she’d let this friend - that’s all he is, really - read a journal her partner isn’t allowed to read? She’s moving on, basically. If not with this guy, then with the next. > [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > 1st wife 20 years, now in 17 year relationship. I have never asked or been asked to let someone read my journal. Her journal sat next to my bed for 9 monts while she was gone and I didn’t read it. > It would be an instant deal breaker for me! I’m sorry to ask this, but did your first wife die? I seem to remember you mentionin g this before and feel bad that I’m not more sure. I hope you kept those journals, and I respect you not reading them yourself. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/86 "2014-05-21T15:52:17Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > This sounds way more fucked up than just letting someone read your private journal (I hope I’m reading this right: it wasn’t a livejournal or similar accessible to anyone who tried to search knowing your username). An open relationship, but one that doesn’t allow sex with anyone else? How is that an open relationship? > > And she’d let this friend - that’s all he is, really - read a journal her partner isn’t allowed to read? > > She’s moving on, basically. If not with this guy, then with the next. Oh gosh, I _so_ hope the latter is true; she needs to move on, like, two years ago. She seems to be getting to that mindset at last. But hopefully not with this new guy since IMHO he has a creeper/player vibe. But anyway, yes, you have it right in that this was a real, physical diary. The knowledge that she _had_ the diary came up in an earlier conversation at work when people were talking about public blogging taking over diary-writing, or something like that, I don’t remember the details by now. (This whole business already takes up more real estate in my brain than I wish it did.) Then on the third date, blammo, dude asks to read the diary. And because this girl has no clue about boundaries (and possibly because she has nothing that personal in it–but I don’t even know that), she lets him because aw, isn’t that sweet. (I do NOT get this mindset but apparently it’s not unique, at least according to the poll.) And yep, the relationship’s open (mainly because she and her BF both seem aware on a subconscious level that this romance is on borrowed time because his situation isn’t compatible with her longterm goals or even current interests, like wanting to go to a park now and then). But she just doesn’t feel comfortable taking things further. AFAIK it has nothing to do with what she’s “allowed” but what she feels personally comfortable with. She’s young, naive, and as religious/Christian as you can get while living with a guy she’s not married to. (What I call a Convenient Christian.) So her definition of “open relationship” presumably means it’s okay to hang out and have crushes on other guys, exploring options like that. But to her, going anywhere romantically/sexually would feel like a betrayal on her part. Exactly what the definition means to her BF, I have no idea; I don’t go near that subject with a 10,000-foot pole. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/87 "2014-05-21T16:27:16Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > I don’t journal, but if I did, I wouldn’t let a casual dating interest read it. Asking would not be a deal breaker, but insisting after I declined would be. Exactly this. Mostly. I do keep a journal. But the entire rest of my answer is the same. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/88 "2014-05-21T18:56:07Z")
I’d consider the request deeply inappropriate and weird under most circumstances, and certainly under the ones you’re describing here. I think it’s a bit different, though, if it’s something like a journal of the author’s trip around the world or experiences in the Peace Corps – i.e., something that might be inherently interesting for non-creepy reasons and isn’t by definition super-intimate. ---
**Author:** ![48Willys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/db5fbb/32.png) [@48Willys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/48Willys)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/89 "2014-05-21T23:37:58Z")
> [@brainstall](#): > > I have kept a journal and it was deeply personal and private and I would not have shared it with anyone, but I’m not sure I would go off the deep end of outrage if someone who knew I kept it had asked to read it. > > I really think it makes a difference how and in what context the person asks to read it. Is it playful and joking, knowing the answer will be no? Is it wistful, hoping to convey a message that the asker wants to get to know the writer better, but doesn’t really expect to read her most private and intimate thoughts? Or is it just a clueless overstepping of boundaries? > > And, to muddy the waters, I’ll share this little story. I was driving across Canada and had stopped at one of the rest areas somewhere in Saskatchewan to let my dogs out for a pee and stretch my legs. There was one other person there - a guy riding a motorcycle and we struck up a conversation. We were chatting and he told me he was keeping a journal of his ride across Canada. This was pre-internet, so his journal was the old-fashioned notebook kind. He asked if I wanted to read it and then presented it to me. It was a bit weird - it was quite personal. I didn’t read much, just enough to say wow, cool, thanks for sharing, but I guess it suggests that not everyone who journals does so with the expectation that no one else will ever read it. Hey, did you meet this biker around 1976-1981? I recall meeting a fellow solo-biker in either Oregon, Washington Or B.C. that asked me to read his journal. It was weird to me that he actually wanted me to read it and give him input on it. We were snow bound in cabins of a motel at the time. I did read about ten pages and we discussed them. He was hoping to write a book, much like Peter Jenkins did in “A Walk Across America”. As far as I know he never did write the book. I do not keep a journal, and if I did It would be in a seriously secure, unknown location. It would have no identifying marks on it at all. So for me, Hell No! It is not even slightly acceptable to ask to read it. Major deal breaker!! ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2014, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/90 "2014-05-21T23:48:32Z")
You do not have an option strong enough. “Deal-breaker”? Obviously. When I was younger, and actually dating, I would have politely pulled away from this person. Now, older and at least more informed if not wiser, I would inform my lawyer and probably move, leaving no forwarding address. If I kept a journal, and I wanted people to read it, I would publish it. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/91 "2014-05-22T00:08:15Z")
> [@j666](#): > > You do not have an option strong enough. > > “Deal-breaker”? Obviously. Heh. Well, I love the _30 Rock_ quote, so I felt “shut it down” was sharper than the other Liz Lemon options, “No to the Way to the Jose” or “Not on my watch, beeyotch.” If you read my post following the OP I’m way more… vociferous about this. > [@](#): > > When I was younger, and actually dating, I would have politely pulled away from this person. Now, older and at least more informed if not wiser, I would inform my lawyer and probably move, leaving no forwarding address. > > If I kept a journal, and I wanted people to read it, I would publish it. I can think of certain very select cases where I would ask someone specific to read _my_ diary (which doesn’t exist, actually) – like a shrink, or someone to whom I needed to express my genuine at-the-time feelings regarding a past incident – but my warning bells would go off if someone initiated the “can I read it?” request of me. What is it that this person is trying to learn that s/he can’t just ask me about? Is my word not good enough? Just prurient interest? I don’t get it, and I _definitely_ don’t get it after a three-date situation. But apparently we’re in the minority by a significant amount, which surprises me but maybe it shouldn’t; it’s probably a good thing that people are more open than I am. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/92 "2014-05-22T00:19:22Z")
Yes, if she offered to swap oral sex for the journal. Naturally. (Of course, my journal is blank–I don’t keep one. So, I suspect we’'d break up, afterwards. So oral sex _first._ ) ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/93 "2014-05-22T01:19:16Z")
I can’t help but think several of you are seriously overreacting to a simple question. I do think it’s an odd request so early in a relationship, but as long as my “no” is respected I’m happy to move past it. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/94 "2014-05-22T03:03:11Z")
I didn’t vote because you didn’t have an option for “A plague o’ both your houses!” which also isn’t exactly right, but better corresponds to my thoughts that both sides are nuts. Your friend has a crush on the guy so she’s giving off signals right and left. She says she does’t want sex, but she initiates dates and goes to the guy’s house to watch TV. Her words don’t match her actions in a sane world. She needs to change or get help ASAP. Things are just too fucked up to make a call here. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/95 "2014-05-22T05:05:50Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > I didn’t vote because you didn’t have an option for “A plague o’ both your houses!” which also isn’t exactly right, but better corresponds to my thoughts that both sides are nuts. Reading Is Fundamental! The subject line and the poll itself _very clearly_ state that in this question, YOU are the one being asked to show the date your diary (or, for those who can’t imagine what that is like, your personal email/texts). Has nothing to do with the situation that inspired the thread. So my windmachine is blowing the plague germs right back on you. > [@](#): > > Your friend has a crush on the guy so she’s giving off signals right and left. She says she does’t want sex, but she initiates dates and goes to the guy’s house to watch TV. Her words don’t match her actions in a sane world. OMG, I know, right? Isn’t there a rule where women must at _least_ give a blow job if they spend time at a park and a concert with a guy? And then she goes to a man’s house without fucking him? What kind of uptight bitch _does_ that?! > [@](#): > > She needs to change or get help ASAP. > > Things are just too fucked up to make a call here. Oh I’ll agree. _Something_ is indeed fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/96 "2014-05-22T14:53:40Z")
> [@choie](#): > > What is it that this person is trying to learn that s/he can’t just ask me about? Who you really are, not who you’re pretending to be when other people are around. Or maybe just some new stuff that hasn’t come up yet. I’m getting the sense that those of you opposed aren’t entirely comfortable in your own skin. What is there to worry about? I’m not going to hide who I am from anyone. That sounds exhausting. You want to read my journal, scour my Inbox and check my texts, snoop through my sock drawer or whatever else? You go right ahead. Maybe you’ll find some surprises, maybe you won’t. At the same time, if you’ve got a journal and you don’t want me to read it, that’s cool with me. I don’t get your trust issues, but you probably don’t get why I need to check all the locks several times before I leave the house 🙂 so we’ll call it a draw. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/97 "2014-05-22T23:58:35Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > I’m getting the sense that those of you opposed aren’t entirely comfortable in your own skin. No, we are completely comfortable in our skins. We quite like our skins. We like boundaries in general. I don’t understand the apparent belief that wanting privacy means one is ashamed of something. ---
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/98 "2014-05-23T00:49:05Z")
Again I’m in the camp of understanding why someone would say no – I would, even if I didn’t think she could read Shavian – but not understanding flipping the fuck out at the person even asking. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/99 "2014-05-23T00:52:07Z")
> [@j666](#): > > No, we are completely comfortable in our skins. We quite like our skins. We like boundaries in general. > > I don’t understand the apparent belief that wanting privacy means one is ashamed of something. I didn’t say anything about shame. Help me understand. You have a journal, someone reads it, how does it effect you in any way? ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/100 "2014-05-23T06:47:51Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > I didn’t say anything about shame. So what does “not comfortable with themselves” mean? > [@](#): > > Help me understand. You have a journal, someone reads it, how does it effect you in any way? It doesn’t effect me, though it might _affect_ me. (Sorry, I’m an editor.) Wow, do people really not get the concept of diaries? Is it a generational thing? Are you from the blogger/Facebook/Twitter generation where sharing 140 characters of ridicuously TMI stuff like “LOL I found the weirdest pattern of blood clots in my Always pad!” (not to mention the accompanying Instagram) is _de rigueur_? Seriously, many people write things in their diaries/journals that they wouldn’t reveal to anyone. It can be a useful way of tracking your innermost thoughts that you don’t talk to others about. Stuff like this can be as mild as a crush you have in school/at work or jealousy of a friend/loved one, or as dark as acknowledging ongoing fears/abuse/depression/addiction/self-loathing/anger. You really think someone writing about such things wouldn’t be affected by someone else reading it?! Y’know, I’m not surprised that many don’t keep personal diaries, or just use them as trivial travel logs or scrapbooks. But I _am_ pretty gobsmacked that some people really never knew that many use personal diaries for… well, _personal_ stuff. Dang, there’s a reason diaries used to (and maybe still do?) come with locks! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243.md?page=6)