# A person you've just started dating asks to read your journal. Dealbreaker or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2014, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243 "2014-05-12T04:05:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/101 "2014-05-23T13:14:43Z")
Ha! Sorry. I was thinking “affect” or “effect”? Shit. I can’t remember! I should look it up. Crap, I have to go to this meeting. Screw it, they’ll know what I mean! I’m 40. (Christ!) I don’t know where that puts me in the demographic. I understand the idea is to organize your thoughts and work through your shit. I guess I hadn’t considered, “I’d totally have a three way with my boss and the janitor.” to be something one would put in there. ANYWAY, I went twelve rounds with this versus my wife last night, trying to understand this. While I get why someone would have a diary and she doesn’t, she gets why someone reading one would be a problem, and she brought me around some…pointing out that my sense of self is a little more severe than most. I guess my thinking is, you want to read my journal? It’s your funeral, dude. This is me, take it or leave it. One thing she changed my mind about for sure, is that it is borderline creepy for someone you’ve just started dating to ask to read it. My initial thought was that Someone is just super into you, because that was the only explanation I could come up with for wanting to read someone’s nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/102 "2014-05-23T15:27:47Z")
> [@choie](#): > > Reading Is Fundamental! The subject line and the poll itself _very clearly_ state that in this question, YOU are the one being asked to show the date your diary (or, for those who can’t imagine what that is like, your personal email/texts). > > Has nothing to do with the situation that inspired the thread. So my windmachine is blowing the plague germs right back on you. You say inyour OP. > [@](#): > > For the past two months, you’ve been work colleagues/friends with someone to whom you’re attracted. Now you’ve had three nonsexual but still kinda romantic outings with him or her. It’s disingenuous to ask a question about one party’s action without giving the whole story, which is that the person it happens to is nuts. Had you stated in your hypothetical, that “You are in a live-in relationship with an registered sex offender who caused you to lose your job” then give the other details, it could completely change many people’s answers. > [@](#): > > OMG, I know, right? Isn’t there a rule where women must at _least_ give a blow job if they spend time at a park and a concert with a guy? And then she goes to a man’s house without fucking him? What kind of uptight bitch _does_ that?! Bullshit. I never said that. No one owes anyone sex at any time. I said your psycho friend is giving mixed messages. Having “semi-romantic” dates while playing a game of no sex because she and her fucked up boyfriend have a “semi-open” relationship where they can love others but not screw others(?). Or whatever it is. The thing is, most people want sex in a romantic relationship. Most people don’t want to play games like what your friend is doing and the sane people would have all run away long time before this. Pretty much anyone who is still trying is going to be nuts themself, by definition. The sooner your friend realizes this, the better. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/103 "2014-05-23T16:18:56Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > The thing is, most people want sex in a romantic relationship. This should not have been limited to sex. Most people who are looking for a romantic relationship want that, not some drama. People who are looking for FWB are going to want sex. I can’t see what sane person is going to want this particular relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/104 "2014-05-23T17:32:05Z")
> [@choie](#): > > Wow, do people really not get the concept of diaries? Is it a generational thing? Are you from the blogger/Facebook/Twitter generation where sharing 140 characters of ridicuously TMI stuff like “LOL I found the weirdest pattern of blood clots in my Always pad!” (not to mention the accompanying Instagram) is _de rigueur_? > > Seriously, many people write things in their diaries/journals that they wouldn’t reveal to anyone. It can be a useful way of tracking your innermost thoughts that you don’t talk to others about. Stuff like this can be as mild as a crush you have in school/at work or jealousy of a friend/loved one, or as dark as acknowledging ongoing fears/abuse/depression/addiction/self-loathing/anger. You really think someone writing about such things wouldn’t be affected by someone else reading it?! > > Y’know, I’m not surprised that many don’t keep personal diaries, or just use them as trivial travel logs or scrapbooks. But I _am_ pretty gobsmacked that some people really never knew that many use personal diaries for… well, _personal_ stuff. Dang, there’s a reason diaries used to (and maybe still do?) come with locks! I really do think it is probably generational. I would tend to think of diaries as something kept by a teenage girl or something done 100 years ago. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that someone might have one unless they happened to bring it up. (for generational purposes, I’m 38) Actually, it’d be an interesting poll. I’m curious now as to how common it is to keep one. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/105 "2014-05-23T17:35:36Z")
Poll posted[here.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=724200) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/106 "2014-05-23T18:36:45Z")
I’d say no, but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, unless he kept bugging me about it. I’d probably be a little curious as to why he might want to read it, but, that’s about it. (I haven’t kept a diary since I was in high school, so it’s all theoretical, though) ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/107 "2014-05-23T20:34:53Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > You say inyour OP. It’s disingenuous to ask a question about one party’s action without giving the whole story, which is that the person it happens to is nuts. No it fucking isn’t disingenuous, because I was asking a question about OTHER PEOPLE. Jesus, you are making me go allcaps. At this rate I’m gonna break out the **Stoid** / **Bosda** font colors, underlines and boldfaces next. 1. If I wanted to ask “what would a person in this incredibly specific situation do?” it would be kinda dumb considering I actually already _know_ what she did. 2. If I wanted to ask “what do you guys think of what my friend did?” I’d have included the background in my OP. Which I _explicitly_ said I didn’t want to do, because I didn’t want to poison the well. All I wanted to ask was “what would you (Joe or Jane Doper) do if you went on three dates with someone and s/he asked to read your journal?” Smartest people on Earth. Right. > [@](#): > > Bullshit. I never said that. No one owes anyone sex at any time. OMG what an awesome guy, on behalf of humans everywhere I thank you _very_ much for that permission to not have sex if we don’t feel like it. It’s the _guy_ who’s setting up these romantic deals, not my friend. He knows she’s not having sex with him. If he knows the paremters but doesn’t like 'em, then guess what? He doesn’t have to go out with her. She’s not leading him on, she likes him as a friend, has a bit of a crush on him, but is happy just doing fun things/hanging out with the guy. This is really beyond the Pale behavior to you? And you might want to check your ability to communicate, because when you say this: > [@](#): > > She says she does’t want sex, but she initiates dates and goes to the guy’s house to watch TV. …Then sorry, you sure as hell sound like some entitled dude who believes that a woman owes the guy some action. And it’s wrong on a few levels. Firstly, I don’t know where you got the idea that _she_ “initiated” the “dates,” because she didn’t. Second, since she set the limits of the relationship right from the start and has stuck with them, then no, those are not mixed signals. If she’d started to get touchy-feely with the guy but then claimed she only wanted friendship? Yeah, _that_’s a mixed signal. But that ain’t what happened. And _none_ of this is relevant anyway. The only reason I brought the real story into it (several posts after the OP) was to add a bit of color/context to explain why I was asking, and most especially because I wanted to avoid this poll turning into “why are you asking? It’s all about you, isn’t it, **choie**? What do you have in your diary that you’re hiding? Who is this guy? Why aren’t you into him?” I sure as fuck regret being honest now. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2014, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/108 "2014-05-24T00:13:36Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > I didn’t say anything about shame. > > Help me understand. You have a journal, someone reads it, how does it effect you in any way? I do not and never will have a journal. Because some one might read it without my permission. And I would never give permission. It invades my privacy. Privacy. Someone takes a part myself that I did not decide to share. My life, my self, my decision. You’re familiar with the comment “TMI”? Well, it works both ways. Privacy. > [@choie](#): > > It doesn’t effect me, though it might _affect_ me. (Sorry, I’m an editor.) Just the idea effects a change in my blood pressure. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2014, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/109 "2014-05-24T02:45:09Z")
> [@j666](#): > > It invades my privacy. Privacy. Someone takes a part myself that I did not decide to share. My life, my self, my decision. > > You’re familiar with the comment “TMI”? Well, it works both ways. > > Privacy. This is where my conversation with the Mrs. broke down last night. When we got to this it just kept going in circles. I kept thinking about your post stating that you’re completely comfortable with who you are, while at the same time it seems like you’re saying it would make you uncomfortable for people to know things about you that you don’t want them to know. I don’t get how they aren’t contradictory statements. She got tired of talking about it, stating that I would never get it because not everyone shares my ‘I’m awesome, fuck you if you don’t like it.’ attitude. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. I mean, I totally get it to a point. You don’t want your spouse to know you’re lusting after the family pet or whatever, but who writes that down? I guess I’m thinking more along the lines of not wanting people to know you’re jealous of the neighbors, or worried about your job, or regret something you did, or the typical everyday shit I’d expect fills 95% of all journal pages. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2014, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/110 "2014-05-24T11:09:39Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > This is where my conversation with the Mrs. broke down last night. When we got to this it just kept going in circles. I kept thinking about your post stating that you’re completely comfortable with who you are, while at the same time it seems like you’re saying it would make you uncomfortable for people to know things about you that you don’t want them to know. I don’t get how they aren’t contradictory statements. I didn’t say it would make me “uncomfortable”; I said I would not want to do it. Because I value my privacy. I value everyone’s privacy, actually. I don’t see how they are at all contradictory. I am fine with who I am; I also do not care to share everything with everyone. In fact, and this is not meant cruelly, I tend to think people are willing to share a lot of details about themselves and their lives are constantly seeking for re-assurance, “validation”; they need external responses to see themselves - like toddlers and teen-agers. Is that what you mean by “uncomfortable”? I guess if you don’t get the concept of privacy, you don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2014, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/111 "2014-05-24T11:41:31Z")
To be honest nowadays it might be similar to being on one’s friends list on Facebook or some other personal account where one talks alot about their life. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2014, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243/112 "2014-05-24T13:22:43Z")
> [@j666](#): > > I didn’t say it would make me “uncomfortable”; I said I would not want to do it. Because I value my privacy. I value everyone’s privacy, actually. I am a doofus. I’ve been so locked in to thinking about how I would feel if someone read my journal without permission, that I haven’t been parsing “I would never give permission.” We’re arguing two different things. Sorry dude. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-person-youve-just-started-dating-asks-to-read-your-journal-dealbreaker-or-not/688243.md?page=5)