# A platonic date you wish weren't **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2012, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908 "2012-08-08T22:39:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/41 "2012-08-09T17:56:11Z")
Dude. Drop her. As a potential partner _and_ friend. I know it is going to be difficult, very difficult, but there comes a time when the unrequited love destroys the enjoyment of a friendship. I had a similar situation. We were very close. She loved me as a friend. I wanted more. She did not. Eventually I had to bail. Even now four years later I sometimes wish things were different. we meet occasionally. ---
**Author:** ![BottledBlondJeanie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/0ea827/32.png) [@BottledBlondJeanie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BottledBlondJeanie)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/42 "2012-08-09T18:31:27Z")
Feel for ya etv78, but ditto what Ambivalid said. She already knew how you felt, enjoys being your friend, and was hoping you’d never bring up your romantic feelings for her. I’m sure there are a few exceptions, but 99.9% of the time, the girl knows you’re attracted to her sexually/romantically, but either likes your friendship enough to put you in the friend-zone and you’ll be considerate enough to remain there or she enjoys your continued hoping fantasies and feeds off of them. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/43 "2012-08-09T18:36:56Z")
Thanks guys! Haven’t read my e-mail yet (afraid to, ya blame me). ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/44 "2012-08-09T19:14:21Z")
a little late to the party but for future reference, taking a platonic as a +1 to a wedding is a poor decision for all sorts of reasons. 1. it’s undue cost to the wedding. +1 dinner(s), +1 drinks, etc. 2. +1 for you may mean -1 for someone else - someone who would enjoy the wedding a lot more than your friend. 3. every time you introduce her to someone as your “friend” is a constant reminder of just how platonic your relationship is. 4. every time you get a drink together, every time you dance, every time you see a place setting that says "etv78 + guest) is a constant reminder of how forced the situation is. 5. you stunt yourself the opportunity to meet new people. clearly if you’re taking a platonic it means you have little other recourse. it’s expected to go to a wedding with a significant other but that doesn’t mean scrounge around for a date. there will be plenty of single, available women at the wedding (or even working at the wedding). 6. the girl agreeing to be a platonic would invariably suck to begin with especially if she is, as you said, expecting to be your +1. a nice, decent girl would be reticent to go along with you as a +1 without a good reason. For example, your platonic lives in the out-of-town wedding locale and you want to crash with her instead of getting a hotel room. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_G7subs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85e7bf/32.png) [@Rich\_G7subs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_G7subs)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/45 "2012-08-09T19:59:21Z")
Tagging along. I feel your pain. I wasted a year of my life trying to get a friend to see me as more than a friend. Good luck! My $.02 BTW: Chase the single women at the wedding and have a good time! ---
**Author:** ![Yarster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/7c8e57/32.png) [@Yarster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yarster)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/46 "2012-08-09T20:12:44Z")
Well, too late now to say “don’t send that e-mail”, because unless she has changed her mind about you, at best I think you will have soured your wedding date. If she turns you down, you’ll flip out over the fact you may have lost her as a friend, and if she doesn’t the date will be very awkward. She’ll be especially weirded out if you ask to slow dance with her. Personally, I’d go stag to an event like that because there will be other single women there you could meet, and a female ‘wingman’ will scare off potential prospects who will assume you are taken, or possibly worse - that you are taken and trying to cheat on your significant other or get a 3-way going, making you look like a total douchebag. As terrible as it sounds, I hope she shoots you down rather than agreeing to go. Having been in a similar situation like yours once in my life, I was only ever able to truly be friends with someone I was very attracted to once I had met my wife and was happily married. While I still find her attractive, I don’t feel the same draw to her I did when we were both single, and I think it’s really helped a lot more with the friendship. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/47 "2012-08-09T20:23:28Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > Oh, so single unattached unpartnered persons aren’t allowed at weddings now? Or was this always the rule? > > That’s okay. I wouldn’t attend any wedding that would have me as a guest either. I’ve always found it unpleasant to attend weddings alone unless it was a family member’s wedding where all the family members make it different somehow. Like, **etv78** said, the vast majority of people attend with a date. It’s just weird being solo so I ask a female friend. Of course, I’m not secretly in love with any of my women friends so it’s not much of an ordeal for me. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/48 "2012-08-09T20:24:21Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Thanks guys! Haven’t read my e-mail yet (afraid to, ya blame me). I couldn’t stand the suspense myself, but I understand. Good luck. Sidebar: have you had other serious relationships since you spilled your guts 15 years ago that she knows about. Or have you continually pined for her? ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/49 "2012-08-09T20:42:13Z")
> [@pancakes3](#): > > a little late to the party but for future reference, taking a platonic as a +1 to a wedding is a poor decision for all sorts of reasons. > > 1. it’s undue cost to the wedding. +1 dinner(s), +1 drinks, etc. > 2. +1 for you may mean -1 for someone else - someone who would enjoy the wedding a lot more than your friend. > 3. every time you introduce her to someone as your “friend” is a constant reminder of just how platonic your relationship is. > 4. every time you get a drink together, every time you dance, every time you see a place setting that says "etv78 + guest) is a constant reminder of how forced the situation is. > 5. you stunt yourself the opportunity to meet new people. clearly if you’re taking a platonic it means you have little other recourse. it’s expected to go to a wedding with a significant other but that doesn’t mean scrounge around for a date. there will be plenty of single, available women at the wedding (or even working at the wedding). > 6. the girl agreeing to be a platonic would invariably suck to begin with especially if she is, as you said, expecting to be your +1. a nice, decent girl would be reticent to go along with you as a +1 without a good reason. For example, your platonic lives in the out-of-town wedding locale and you want to crash with her instead of getting a hotel room. I agree wholeheatedly with ALL of this! To answer another question downthread: we wen’t to my Jr Prom as pals, the alternative being me not going. She still lives in our hometwon, wedding on the Cape. (October, BTW) Yarster-She probably will end up shooting me down. Totally right that she would kink my mojo. (though as I said, I want HER to be my mojo). + I have very vanilla sex tastes (as does she, inasmuch as she has a sexual side) ---
**Author:** ![Rucksinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/898d66/32.png) [@Rucksinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rucksinator)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/50 "2012-08-09T20:48:36Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Sent an e-mail, explaining what’s in my heart, going to bed. Will tell you her response (once I have it, and have probably stopped crying) NOOOOOOOOO!!! (yelled as I slow-motion dive for **etv’s** ethernet cable). Didn’t someone tell you not to get drunk? ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/51 "2012-08-09T21:00:58Z")
**Ruck** -What’s sad is, I was completely sober! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/52 "2012-08-09T21:01:13Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > This was pretty much the worst thing you could have done. No, it’s better that he did it. Knowing where one stands is better than angstifying over it. And who knows? I mean, most people think of being someone’s wedding date as a romantic gesture - perhaps she just assumed that’s what it was. I’m pulling for you, OP. > [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > I’ve always found it unpleasant to attend weddings alone unless it was a family member’s wedding where all the family members make it different somehow. Like, **etv78** said, the vast majority of people attend with a date. It’s just weird being solo so I ask a female friend. > > Of course, I’m not secretly in love with any of my women friends so it’s not much of an ordeal for me. I’ve never had a date for a wedding - but all my friends’ weddings have been, well, weddings with friends, so I went with a group of buddies, and had a great time. Do most people not do that? ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/53 "2012-08-09T21:15:22Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > I’ve never had a date for a wedding - but all my friends’ weddings have been, well, weddings with friends, so I went with a group of buddies, and had a great time. Do most people not do that? I went to one friend’s wedding alone and I decided to never do it again. That time was only because I had two friends flying in with their dates and I was driving. So, for me to bring a date - who would’ve been a friend anyway - would have complicated the transportation unnecessarily. There was, I believe, 1 woman there without a date. If anybody besides the two of us was solo, they were much older family members and maybe I just missed them. I feel like this makes me sound like I have a problem being single in general and I really don’t… I’m not big on commitment. But this was just uncomfortable and I avoid ever doing it again. If everybody brought dates to funerals I’d invite a friend to those too. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/54 "2012-08-09T21:38:29Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > I’ve never had a date for a wedding - but all my friends’ weddings have been, well, weddings with friends, so I went with a group of buddies, and had a great time. Do most people not do that? Yes, people still do that. Most attend as a couple, but there’s always a percentage who attend alone. I’ve never really thought it was an issue. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2012, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/55 "2012-08-09T23:12:25Z")
decent sized weddings, and younger weddings usually have a good amount of single people in it. i would imagine if someone went to exclusively older (around the 30yo range) and smaller (\<50 people) there won’t be too many singles to mix with. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/56 "2012-08-10T00:53:27Z")
She didn’t forget. Sending her that email was a very, very silly thing to do. If she had changed her mind regarding her lack of feelings for you, she would have come to you. She didn’t, which indicates her feelings never changed. _Take the hint._ > [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > No, it’s better that he did it. Knowing where one stands is better than angstifying over it. And who knows? I mean, most people think of being someone’s wedding date as a romantic gesture - perhaps she just assumed that’s what it was. He already knew exactly where he stood with her, unless he was delusional. If she was into him, they’d already be dating. The only angst here is because he was incapable of accepting her romantic inaction as the clear NO she intended. Action steps for you now **etv78** : Look at other girls. Throw yourself a limited-time pity party, if you must. Above all else, forget she exists. And in the future? Stop trying to stay friends with girls just because you’re hoping to get into their pants eventually–that’s a classic “nice guy”\* flub, totally counterproductive to getting laid, and frankly creepy. \*Not nice at all ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/57 "2012-08-10T01:12:37Z")
**Rachel** -I’ll probably end up stag at the wedding. IMO, being friends with someone before dating is important. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/58 "2012-08-10T01:14:55Z")
So has she replied yet? ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/59 "2012-08-10T01:37:55Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > So has she replied yet? Nope. Don’t worry, I WILL reveal it when she does. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/60 "2012-08-10T01:52:28Z")
Yeah, voyeurism is what the 'net was made for. 🙂 Anyway, my best advice to you is to get some real distance from this woman if she rejects you. You’ll never get over her if she’s always _there_. Secondly, find a new focus–not a person, but a hobby, etc. Just get passionate about someTHING, not someONE. Essentially, you want to have a life that you’re happy with that doesn’t hinge on her (or anyone else) being added before you’re satisfied. Finally, as **Rachellelogram** said, have a quick pity party (if need be) but then stop acting heartbroken. Emotions follow actions as much as _vice versa_, and if you act “over it”, eventually you’ll feel “over it”. Don’t revel in the emo pit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=4)