# A platonic date you wish weren't **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2012, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908 "2012-08-08T22:39:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/81 "2012-08-10T21:48:54Z")
**Rach** -KNEW I messed that up! Couldn’t figure out where I went wrong. Thanks for your pedantry giving me a laugh. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/82 "2012-08-10T22:31:03Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > **Rach** -KNEW I messed that up! Couldn’t figure out where I went wrong. Thanks for your pedantry giving me a laugh. Misspelling itinerary wasn’t where you went wrong. You went wrong when you sent the e-mail. You came here asking for advice and ignored it. If you’ve been friends for 15 years and nothing romantic has happened in that time, it’s because _she doesn’t see you that way_. I’m pretty sure, unless there have been any indications from her recently that she’s interested in you as a partner that you neglected to mention, that you’re in for a world of pain. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/83 "2012-08-10T22:36:34Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I told her that I missed having her in my life in a very dark time. I told I think we’d be good together, and we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. If I don’t hear by Monday, I’m forwarding the interiary my mom sent me, telling her if she’s still game, I’d LOVE for her to go. Please don’t. Asking her is a dead end. The fish ain’t biting. Try a different creek. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/84 "2012-08-10T23:04:44Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I told I think we’d be good together, and we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. If I don’t hear by Monday, I’m forwarding the interiary my mom sent me, telling her if she’s still game, I’d LOVE for her to go. I don’t think you’re getting what people are saying. By sending that mail you’ve changed the game board. If she doesn’t respond that she wants a romantic relationship I don’t think you can take her as a +1 anymore. It’ll be too uncomfortable for both of you and you’re placing her in a very awkward position. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2012, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/85 "2012-08-10T23:51:16Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > I don’t think you’re getting what people are saying. By sending that mail you’ve changed the game board. If she doesn’t respond that she wants a romantic relationship I don’t think you can take her as a +1 anymore. It’ll be too uncomfortable for both of you and you’re placing her in a very awkward position. If it isn’t a “date” I agree her being there is a bad idea. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/86 "2012-08-11T00:22:02Z")
Let’s assume she says yes. I’m going to add fuel to the fire, and say that a wedding is the most horrible place for a first date. You are going to have to introduce her to everyone. How will she be addressed? Friend? No. Girlfriend? NO! Person I’ve known for 15 years and we’re giving it a go this evening to see if we can get something to spark? Well that ought to earn you a few awkward smiles at least. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/87 "2012-08-11T00:55:44Z")
**Enderw** -I would probaably say “date”. She’s met my immediate family. ---
**Author:** ![splatterpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3be4f8/32.png) [@splatterpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/splatterpunk)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/88 "2012-08-11T04:24:05Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > **Enderw** -I would probaably say “date”. She’s met my immediate family. But she already told you that she would accompany you “as a friend.” That is not a “date.” ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/89 "2012-08-11T04:27:37Z")
> [@splatterpunk](#): > > But she already told you that she would accompany you “as a friend.” That is not a “date.” Yeah, duh! :smack: I guess I just picked that word in the moment. “Friend” is the dishearteningly accurate word. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/90 "2012-08-11T05:18:18Z")
I know a guy. Way back when he was in college there was this woman in his group of friends. He wanted to date her. She didn’t want to date him. So they did the friend thing. Now my friend Russ, moved on and dated around for a while. One day this woman had an aneurism. She didn’t die but it was close. Russ, being a friend visited her in the hospitable several times. One day after he left she said to another friend there “Why don’t I date nice guys like Russ?” They just had a baby. They are 43. So she needs a NDE and you’re in like Flint. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/91 "2012-08-11T05:28:40Z")
At this point, I’d be looking at “lessons learnt” so you can benefit from this experience. Are you happy with yourself and your life as-is? Love songs aside, if someone senses that your happiness hinges on them “completing you”, they’ll run a mile the other way. People like feeling wanted, but only co-dependent freaks like feeling needed. I don’t want to sound like a prick here, but you give off vibes of intense emotional neediness. Beyond that, you’re suffering from a severe case of Nice Guy Syndrome. The only cure is to improve your life. Be ambitious and work towards some major goals. Basically, you need a self-esteem boost, but one that is genuinely earned. If you achieve big things, you’ll eventually feel so good about yourself and your life that any relationship will be a bonus that you want, not a shortcut to self-esteem (which is what I suspect you’re after). ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/92 "2012-08-11T17:12:33Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I told her that I missed having her in my life in a very dark time. I told I think we’d be good together, and we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. If I don’t hear by Monday, I’m forwarding the interiary my mom sent me, telling her if she’s still game, I’d LOVE for her to go. Yknow what would instantly get my hackles up, if I were her? Reading that “we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.” Oh, really? Who exactly is this “we”, kemosabe? _You_ are the one throwing this out there, so this is all on you. I don’t _“owe”_ a shot at a romantic relationship to anyone; how goddamned presumptuous and entitled is that? What the fuck? ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/93 "2012-08-11T17:50:11Z")
A very simple concept that you might keep in mind and give some thought to. When a person falls in love they fall in love with the way they feel about themselves in the presence of that other person. What makes a person feel good may be different in individuals. Some feel a lack of power and are turned on by power, either physical, influential or financial. Others are lacking self esteem and feeling pretty and sexy may be enough. Then you have the girls who know one takes seriously simply listening and paying close attention might be enough. Are you filling a need she may be having? ---
**Author:** ![Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Curiosity_Kills_Her)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/94 "2012-08-11T18:09:11Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > Yknow what would instantly get my hackles up, if I were her? Reading that “we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.” > > Oh, really? Who exactly is this “we”, kemosabe? _You_ are the one throwing this out there, so this is all on you. I don’t _“owe”_ a shot at a romantic relationship to anyone; how goddamned presumptuous and entitled is that? What the fuck? I agree with this. Before the proliferation of the internet I had a friend pull a similar line on me with a handwritten letter. But much worse. In my case I was staying at my mother’s for a few days and the guy drove all the way out to their house and left it in an envelope on my windshield. It was very bad - proclaiming his undying love for me, how he wanted me to bear his children, and how since he’d been such a good friend for so long I _owed_ him a romantic relationship. On the one hand I felt really bad for him and could empathize, but I couldn’t abide the expectations he had nor could I not be _extremely angry_ he embarrassed me by leaving that on my car for everyone to see before I woke up. [It was in a sealed envelope, but had declarations of love written on it.] The friendship was never the same, and eventually died completely. I have no idea what happened to the gentleman in question, but that letter is still around somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/95 "2012-08-11T18:19:43Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > So she needs a NDE and you’re in like Flint. This is probably the only way to make it happen and I think something you should look into, **etv78**. Is she severely allergic to any common foods? ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/96 "2012-08-11T18:55:38Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > Yknow what would instantly get my hackles up, if I were her? Reading that “we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.” > > Oh, really? Who exactly is this “we”, kemosabe? _You_ are the one throwing this out there, so this is all on you. I don’t _“owe”_ a shot at a romantic relationship to anyone; how goddamned presumptuous and entitled is that? What the fuck? Agreed. **etv78** , be very prepared for the possibility that you never hear from this woman again. ---
**Author:** ![MannyL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/97 "2012-08-11T19:01:38Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > This is probably the only way to make it happen and I think something you should look into, **etv78**. Is she severely allergic to any common foods? I smell the makings of a rom-com here with your line of thinking. Seriously though I can identify with the OP here. There is a friend of mine that I’ve known since H.S. I’ve wanted us to be more than fiends because I strongly felt we would make a great couple. She didn’t want to “ruin our friendship” and for over 20 years while I dated people I always had in my mind that her and I should be together. Even our mutual friends felt the same way I did. I know she and I will never be more than friends and now when I don’t have time for her she gets upset but I have to live my life for me. I don’t know if you screwed the pooch with her but I feel confident (sorry) that you and her will never be more than friends and that you will have to work on being just friends. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/98 "2012-08-11T19:11:31Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > At this point, I’d be looking at “lessons learnt” so you can benefit from this experience. > > Are you happy with yourself and your life as-is? Love songs aside, if someone senses that your happiness hinges on them “completing you”, they’ll run a mile the other way. People like feeling wanted, but only co-dependent freaks like feeling needed. > > I don’t want to sound like a prick here, but you give off vibes of intense emotional neediness. Beyond that, you’re suffering from a severe case of Nice Guy Syndrome. > > The only cure is to improve your life. Be ambitious and work towards some major goals. Basically, you need a self-esteem boost, but one that is genuinely earned. > > If you achieve big things, you’ll eventually feel so good about yourself and your life that any relationship will be a bonus that you want, not a shortcut to self-esteem (which is what I suspect you’re after). You **Lobot** , are sadly spot on. I look at others, see that they have what I want, and I do dumb stuff in an effort to have those things, without improving myself so others will want to share these things with me. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/99 "2012-08-11T19:15:24Z")
> [@badger5149](#): > > A very simple concept that you might keep in mind and give some thought to. When a person falls in love they fall in love with the way they feel about themselves in the presence of that other person. > What makes a person feel good may be different in individuals. Some feel a lack of power and are turned on by power, either physical, influential or financial. Others are lacking self esteem and feeling pretty and sexy may be enough. Then you have the girls who know one takes seriously simply listening and paying close attention might be enough. > Are you filling a need she may be having? I doubt I would fill **ANYBODY’S** needs! And this realization is the most painful part. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2012, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/100 "2012-08-11T19:22:00Z")
**Manny** - I probably do need to resign myself to “friendzone”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=6)