# A platonic date you wish weren't **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2012, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908 "2012-08-08T22:39:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/141 "2012-08-14T17:04:14Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > **pancakes** -great post! To answer #3 thouh. She works with kids putting on shows, and they had one last week. As to stilll being “friends”: I’d think that if I so weirded her out, she would’ve “defriended” me. I see her on my feed so I know she didn’t. Being “friends” with someone on Facebook is not an indication of being their actual friend - responding to their emotionally-heavy e-mails in a timely manner is. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2012, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/142 "2012-08-14T17:19:05Z")
> [@Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](#): > > On the one hand I felt really bad for him and could empathize, but I couldn’t abide the expectations he had nor could I not be _extremely angry_ he embarrassed me by leaving that on my car for everyone to see before I woke up. [It was in a sealed envelope, but had declarations of love written on it.] > > The friendship was never the same, and eventually died completely. I have no idea what happened to the gentleman in question, but that letter is still around somewhere. For everyone saying that the guy shouldn’t have sent this letter, because hey, he lost his friendship with you, it was GOOD for him to stop seeing you. He didn’t want to be your friend. He never was your friend. He was better off not being your friend. Keeping him as a “friend” would be cruel. You wish you could have kept him as a platonic friend? Why? The best thing he ever did for himself was send you that letter. Yes, he humiliated himself, yes he destroyed his friendship with you, yes you think less of him for it, yes he got his heart broken. So what? If he stayed “friends” with you, he’d end up getting his heart broken a little bit every day. He’s over and done with it. He’s better off telling you the truth and getting honestly rejected than pretending to be something he’s not. Now he can either move on and pursue someone else, or stew bitterly alone but at least he’s not hanging around you and pretending to be your friend. You’re better off without him, and he’s better off without you. Win-win. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2012, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/143 "2012-08-14T17:42:08Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > Being “friends” with someone on Facebook is not an indication of being their actual friend - responding to their emotionally-heavy e-mails in a timely manner is. Yes. This. Whatever her reaction to your email, if she were a real friend, I’d think she would have responded with _something_ by now. I mean, if I had laid it all on the line like you did (and I have), I’d be pretty pissed off if the object of my affections didn’t even have the decency to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” At that point, _I_ would no longer be interested in staying friends, regardless of how the other person felt. But it sounds like you’re still waiting to see if she wants to continue the friendship, either by responding and saying so, or by simply ignoring your email. And it seems like you’d be happy either way, as long as she doesn’t explicitly reject you. My guess is, she’s never going to respond. That means that either: a) she wants to stay friends and pretend nothing happened, or b) she doesn’t want to stay friends, but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying so, and is hoping you’ll just fade away. Here’s the problem: there’s no way to know which thing she’s trying to do. To you, both situations look the same. If she’s trying to give you the brush-off, you’ll make her more and more uncomfortable every time you make a friendly gesture. And even if she does want to stay friends, do _you_ really want to, even after she blatantly ignored your heartfelt email? In my opinion, either way, the best thing for you to do is write her off. If she wants to be your friend, she owes you _some_ kind of response, preferably prefaced with a huge apology for taking so long to say anything. Her just hoping that you, or at least your email, will just go away is pretty shabby treatment, and you shouldn’t accept it. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2012, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/144 "2012-08-14T18:17:55Z")
etv78, from your posting history, I know you have a fairly different view of Facebook from pretty much the rest of this entire board. Assigning her the same view of Facebook as you do is, in my opinion, completely unrealistic. Feel free to continue deluding yourself, but you should probably not be trying to make any plans with this woman any time in the near future - she is absolutely not interested. Maybe copy this entire thread into Word, do a search and replace for “etv78” and “etv”, and replace it with “An SDMB Poster Who Is Definitely Not Me” and reread it? Maybe you’ll be able to take the advice more seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2012, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/145 "2012-08-14T21:20:50Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Not yet. She had a busy workweek last week, so she’s probably decompressing. We’re still “friends” so I take that as a good sign FWIW. Don’t take it as a good sign. There have been a couple of times in my life where I’ve told a platonic friend I’d like to be something more. That failure to answer is the “rabbit” response – they hope if they stay very still and don’t make a sound the danger will pass. I know you don’t want to believe that – that you prefer to think she’s busy or her email is down or something else. So I’ll propose this: do nothing. Don’t contact her, don’t forward the wedding itinerary, don’t poke her on Facebook, don’t call her, don’t send her a funny cartoon you think she’d enjoy. DO NOTHING! You say she’s been one of your dearest friends for 15 years. If she feels that way about you, she’ll contact you and you can talk about which way the relationship will go. If she doesn’t, you’ll know that you took your shot, and it wasn’t meant to be. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2012, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/146 "2012-08-14T23:51:32Z")
I appreciate the “tough love” guys! The wedding’s the end of October, is it worth contacting her when I receive the invitation? (I won’t until then BTW) ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2012, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/147 "2012-08-14T23:59:47Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I appreciate the “tough love” guys! The wedding’s the end of October, is it worth contacting her when I receive the invitation? (I won’t until then BTW) Not if she hasn’t acknowledged your email, no. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/148 "2012-08-15T00:05:59Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I appreciate the “tough love” guys! The wedding’s the end of October, is it worth contacting her when I receive the invitation? (I won’t until then BTW) After all the replies you’ve received, you need to ask? Let’s be honest: you know you are. It’s a great excuse to keep the flame going, right? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/149 "2012-08-15T00:14:08Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I appreciate the “tough love” guys! The wedding’s the end of October, is it worth contacting her when I receive the invitation? (I won’t until then BTW) NO. Just…no. Seriously. Dude, you’re setting yourself up for some serious heartbreak. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/150 "2012-08-15T00:22:06Z")
Yeah, this is getting way too sad and reality-resistant for me. I’m out. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/151 "2012-08-15T00:28:36Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Don’t take it as a good sign. There have been a couple of times in my life where I’ve told a platonic friend I’d like to be something more. That failure to answer is the “rabbit” response – they hope if they stay very still and don’t make a sound the danger will pass. > > I know you don’t want to believe that – that you prefer to think she’s busy or her email is down or something else. So I’ll propose this: do nothing. Don’t contact her, don’t forward the wedding itinerary, don’t poke her on Facebook, don’t call her, don’t send her a funny cartoon you think she’d enjoy. DO NOTHING! > > You say she’s been one of your dearest friends for 15 years. If she feels that way about you, she’ll contact you and you can talk about which way the relationship will go. If she doesn’t, you’ll know that you took your shot, and it wasn’t meant to be. I think this is the best possible advice. DO NOTHING. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/152 "2012-08-15T00:54:45Z")
ETV If I were in your shoes, when I got the invitation I would say: “Hey I got the invitation. I still want you to come with me but I haven’t heard from you. If you don’t want to come anymore, thats fine, I guess I’ll have to let it go. But if you still want to give me a call.” I mean he is a little in the dark considering she said she would go with him before. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/153 "2012-08-15T01:23:06Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Don’t contact her, don’t forward the wedding itinerary, don’t poke her on Facebook, don’t call her, don’t send her a funny cartoon you think she’d enjoy. DO NOTHING! > [@etv78](#): > > I appreciate the “tough love” guys! The wedding’s the end of October, is it worth contacting her when I receive the invitation? (I won’t until then BTW) _Sigh_ The wedding is at the end of October. The formal invitations go out 30-45 days before, right? That means it will be about a month before you get the invitation. How often in the last 15 years has she let a month go by without at least touching base with you? If you don’t hear from her, let it go. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/154 "2012-08-15T02:00:02Z")
ETV, let’s be honest. You’re not that into her. If you were really into her, you wouldn’t wait for a wedding as an excuse to ask her out. If you were truly ass-backwards nuts about her, you wouldn’t have waited 15 years before saying something. If you honestly wanted to be partners with this person, you wouldn’t have revealed your feelings hidden behind an email. As an adult looking for another adult to be romantically involved in, you don’t need an excuse to be with each other. You don’t need an occasion to go out. You just go out. If you were so attracted to her, how can you put up with being just friends for upwards of 15 years? If you wanted to be partners with this woman, why tell her in an email? Don’t you want to see the look in her eyes as you tell her how you feel? If you truly cared about her, wouldn’t you want to give her a chance to respond, be it good news or bad? The slow war of attrition that “nice guys” are playing has a horrible endgame. Ultimately you want to get with the girl. Best case scenario, you have a girl who merely tolerates you. Worst case scenario, you waste months, and even years of your life for zero benefit. Find out up front if romance is possible. If the spark isn’t there, look for other kindling. You can’t light up a wet fish. ---
**Author:** ![DataX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@DataX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DataX)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/155 "2012-08-15T02:10:30Z")
Agree with everyone telling you to do nothing. You probably can’t see it because you are too close, but this is the ONLY LOGICAL choice. 99.9 % She is not interested at all. She obviously knows you are in to her - this would take zero effort on her part if she had any non friend feelings for you. If you contact her - you look more needy and insecure. IGNORE her Your ONLY chance is that by ignoring her - you surprise her and cause her to wonder what she is missing. People aren’t interested in what they can have - not in the way that you want her to be. You’ll have to learn how not to be the “nice guy”. This doesn’t mean being mean or not being yourself. By ignoring her - you are giving yourself practice for what you really need - another prospect. You were pretty much screwed before you sent the email - that only quickened the end of the friendship. Each day that goes by - it will hurt less (ok maybe not initially) or increase her interest more (unlikely - very unlikely). Either way the only move is not to contact her. I have been where you are - it isn’t fun. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/156 "2012-08-15T02:56:51Z")
**pancakes** / **kunilou** -I have previously laid out how I felt, though not as blatantly. I also lost touch for the better part of a decade. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/157 "2012-08-15T02:58:42Z")
> [@Scotty Mo](#): > > ETV > > If I were in your shoes, when I got the invitation I would say: > > “Hey I got the invitation. I still want you to come with me but I haven’t heard from you. If you don’t want to come anymore, thats fine, I guess I’ll have to let it go. But if you still want to give me a call.” > > I mean he is a little in the dark considering she said she would go with him before. This is precisely how I plan to approach the situation. Thanks **Scotty**. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/158 "2012-08-15T03:34:50Z")
Gosh, what a surprise. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/159 "2012-08-15T04:23:33Z")
I think we can close this thread now. ETV finally got the answer he was waiting for. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/160 "2012-08-15T04:25:59Z")
But if she doesn’t respond you do have to let it go. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=9)