# A platonic date you wish weren't **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2012, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908 "2012-08-08T22:39:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/161 "2012-08-15T04:28:43Z")
> [@Scotty Mo](#): > > But if she doesn’t respond you do have to let it go. Yeah, 'cause _ **then** _ it’ll be clear. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/162 "2012-08-15T04:33:31Z")
In all seriousness, **etv78** , I want you to lose that email address and pretend it doesn’t exist. If she wants to go to the wedding with you, she will contact you. **Scotty Mo** ’s advice is great if you’re angling for the “desperate loser” persona that every woman secretly longs for. Seriously, delete her contact details. Or set fire to your computer. Or something more drastic if need be. DO NOT INITIATE FURTHER CONTACT for your sake and hers. ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/163 "2012-08-15T11:50:57Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I appreciate the “tough love” guys! The wedding’s the end of October, is it worth contacting her when I receive the invitation? (I won’t until then BTW) Oh, for crap’s sake… dude, no. She’s not that into you. Find someone else to take to the wedding, or go stag. This woman does not want to make the bang with you! ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_G7subs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85e7bf/32.png) [@Rich\_G7subs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_G7subs)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/164 "2012-08-15T12:10:57Z")
> [@DataX](#): > > Agree with everyone telling you to do nothing. You probably can’t see it because you are too close, but this is the ONLY LOGICAL choice. > > 99.9 % She is not interested at all. She obviously knows you are in to her - this would take zero effort on her part if she had any non friend feelings for you. > > If you contact her - you look more needy and insecure. > > IGNORE her > > Your ONLY chance is that by ignoring her - you surprise her and cause her to wonder what she is missing. People aren’t interested in what they can have - not in the way that you want her to be. > > You’ll have to learn how not to be the “nice guy”. This doesn’t mean being mean or not being yourself. By ignoring her - you are giving yourself practice for what you really need - another prospect. > > You were pretty much screwed before you sent the email - that only quickened the end of the friendship. > > Each day that goes by - it will hurt less (ok maybe not initially) or increase her interest more (unlikely - very unlikely). Either way the only move is not to contact her. > > I have been where you are - it isn’t fun. X2! When I was dating, women always said “Where are all the NICE guys?” when in truth they seemed to be drawn to “The Bad Boys”. Don’t be that “NICE guy”. I’m not saying be a dick, just don’t look so “Nice” and “needy” ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/165 "2012-08-15T12:18:33Z")
Generalisation: women don’t want “nice guys” or “bad boys”–they just want men who aren’t passive or needy or easily intimidated. So-called “nice guys” conflate this with “Women want bad boys” but it’s just bullshit they tell themselves so they can be self-righteous as well as passive, needy and easily intimidated. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/166 "2012-08-15T12:59:10Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > I think we can close this thread now. ETV finally got the answer he was waiting for. I know it’s just a thread on a internet message board I should probably stop reading and people are free to make any horrible choice they want in life… but holy shit it’s frustrating to see so many people calmly explain the painfully obvious only to see him do the exact opposite. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/167 "2012-08-15T13:11:46Z")
> [@Rich\_G7subs](#): > > X2! When I was dating, women always said “Where are all the NICE guys?” when in truth they seemed to be drawn to “The Bad Boys”. Don’t be that “NICE guy”. I’m not saying be a dick, just don’t look so “Nice” and “needy” Here we go. A ‘nice guy’ is not one who e-mails me and says “We OWE it to ourselves to try to make this a go.” No, we don’t. You may feel you owe it to yourself to try with me, but if I don’t feel the same, then forget it. NICE GUYS are needy and whiny and passive aggressive, and worse, insist on telling everyone they know what a NICE GUY they are. Genuine nice guys never need to say they are nice. They live and breathe it in every gesture and every action. We just want a man that isn’t needy. I can’t stand neediness. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/168 "2012-08-15T13:23:29Z")
An aside having nothing to do with the relationship… As a person who went to a wedding with a platonic someone as their +1, please don’t do it. People go with their SO because it’s their SO, and they share most every important occasion with them. The only time it is acceptable to bring a friend as +1, is if you are not intimately acquainted with most of the attendees. Such as, you are an old college friend of the bride/groom, but not deeply involved with their family and other friends. In which case, you bring a friend because you’ll need someone to talk to. This is your sister’s wedding, you are going to know lots of people there. When you talk to them, your +1 is going to be standing around bored, looking for another free drink to pass the time. At least, that’s what I did. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/169 "2012-08-15T13:33:02Z")
I would say that she is not as good as a friend as you may think if she does not respond to that email. She had originally agreed to go with etv78, and I think at least owes him the courtesy of responding. That’s what friends do, regardless of how needy etv may seem. If she wants to say that she does not want to see him anymore, fine. With that said, and I don’t want to get his hopes up, I had a similar situation with a long time friend, we sort of drifted apart and then got back together (it was sort of fatalistic, our lives run a very parallel course) and we are best friends again. Though I am now married, and she is divorced. We were able to work through the crush I HAD on her. That may be a rare thing, but it happens. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/170 "2012-08-15T14:27:50Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > An aside having nothing to do with the relationship… As a person who went to a wedding with a platonic someone as their +1, please don’t do it. > > People go with their SO because it’s their SO, and they share most every important occasion with them. > > The only time it is acceptable to bring a friend as +1, is if you are not intimately acquainted with most of the attendees. Such as, you are an old college friend of the bride/groom, but not deeply involved with their family and other friends. In which case, you bring a friend because you’ll need someone to talk to. > > This is your sister’s wedding, you are going to know lots of people there. When you talk to them, your +1 is going to be standing around bored, looking for another free drink to pass the time. At least, that’s what I did. +1. I took a platonic to a wedding just ONCE and regretted it the entire time. I was the groomsman of a childhood friend but the wedding was going to be mostly friends/family of the bride. I think I only knew 3 other people that were going. On top of all that, my friend told me that most of the bridal party would be bringing dates, so I should feel free. Well, I brought a date and she was standing around, looking bored, and looking for drinks at the rehearsal dinner, at the reception, at the after-party, and out at bars later on. To pile on, NONE of the bridal party brought dates for one reason or another and there were plenty of single available females to talk to but now I can’t lest I look like a complete jackass. Said it upthread and I’ll say it again, a platonic date at a wedding is forced intimacy which will never end well. > [@Anaamika](#): > > Here we go. A ‘nice guy’ is not one who e-mails me and says “We OWE it to ourselves to try to make this a go.” No, we don’t. You may feel you owe it to yourself to try with me, but if I don’t feel the same, then forget it. > > NICE GUYS are needy and whiny and passive aggressive, and worse, insist on telling everyone they know what a NICE GUY they are. Genuine nice guys never need to say they are nice. They live and breathe it in every gesture and every action. > > We just want a man that isn’t needy. I can’t stand neediness. Hah. The nice guy myth is a hell of a coping mechanism. News flash, most guys are nice. Even more guys are nice to girls they want to date. That’s not a virtue, it’s human nature. If you ask a girl what she likes best about you and she responds with “you’re nice” that just means you have zero other redeeming qualities. Ambitious, successful, hot, funny, interesting, smart, etc. are all MUCH better than “nice”. Nice isn’t a quality, it’s a prerequisite. If you have nothing to offer except for your submissiveness, then you’re at a loss of bargaining power out there in the meat market. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/171 "2012-08-15T14:41:31Z")
> [@enipla](#): > > That’s what friends do, regardless of how needy etv may seem. If she wants to say that she does not want to see him anymore, fine. Based on what ETV’s definition of “friend” seems to be, I don’t know how close they really are. Sounds like they went to a dance in high school where etv picked up the torch that he still hasn’t put down, they became Facebook acquaintances later, and now this. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/172 "2012-08-15T14:44:59Z")
> [@enipla](#): > > With that said, and I don’t want to get his hopes up, I had a similar situation with a long time friend, we sort of drifted apart and then got back together (it was sort of fatalistic, our lives run a very parallel course) and we are best friends again. Though I am now married, and she is divorced. > > We were able to work through the crush I HAD on her. That may be a rare thing, but it happens. Honest question, no snark. How does your spouse feel about you being best friends with a divorced ex? I don’t see how that could be part of any healthy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/173 "2012-08-15T15:07:49Z")
At least with my method she knows she won’t be hearing from him again. He’s going to pretty much tell her this is the last time I’m trying. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/174 "2012-08-15T15:08:45Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Honest question, no snark. How does your spouse feel about you being best friends with a divorced ex? I don’t see how that could be part of any healthy relationship. No problem. The girl is not an ex of mine. Just an old friend that I did have a ‘crush’ on at one point. We used to work together too, about 23 years ago. The girl and I have been on an overnight trip to a music fest, and I have stayed at her apartment. She lives 100 miles away, so just getting together for a beer or something is sort of problematic. We see each other every month or two. My Wife also has an old friend that is a forest ranger. She has stayed at his cabin when he is working. I have not problem with that. Frankly, I see it as a sign of a very healthy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_G7subs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85e7bf/32.png) [@Rich\_G7subs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_G7subs)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/175 "2012-08-15T15:16:37Z")
[quote=“Lobot, post:165, topic:630908”] Generalisation: women don’t want “nice guys” or “bad boys”–they just want men who aren’t passive or needy or easily intimidated. So-called “nice guys” conflate this with “Women want bad boys” but it’s just bullshit they tell themselves so they can be self-righteous as well as passive, needy and easily intimidated.[/QUOTE Thank GOD I found the right woman and married her 20 years ago and don’t have to date anymore. While your generalisation can be true I got SO tired of hearing from women (platonic friends AND girls that I would or had dated) " I just want a nice guy with a good sense of humor, dependable, with a good job" and then they’d date the “Bad boy” with no job, who treated them like shit and used them. Then they’d try and change them and come to ME for advice. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/176 "2012-08-15T15:37:01Z")
We’ve had the nice guy/bad boy discussion at length here before. In short, self-proclaimed Nice Guys aren’t nice, they’re doormat, passive-aggressive whiney douchebags who think women owe them something for being “so Nice”. And a woman is generally not “looking” for someone to treat her like shit, she’s looking for a man with confidence and assertiveness. Sometimes other bad qualities go along with those, but it’s ridiculous to say that women are looking for someone to treat them poorly and pretend that means anything. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_G7subs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85e7bf/32.png) [@Rich\_G7subs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_G7subs)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/177 "2012-08-15T15:51:05Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > We’ve had the nice guy/bad boy discussion at length here before. In short, self-proclaimed Nice Guys aren’t nice, they’re doormat, passive-aggressive whiney douchebags who think women owe them something for being “so Nice”. And a woman is generally not “looking” for someone to treat her like shit, she’s looking for a man with confidence and assertiveness. Sometimes other bad qualities go along with those, but it’s ridiculous to say that women are looking for someone to treat them poorly and pretend that means anything. That is THE best description of the situation that I’ve ever heard! Disclaimer: not ALL “self proclaimed nice guys” are doormats, passive-aggressive whiney douchebags who think women owe them something for being “so Nice”. You’d have to go on a case by case basis! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/178 "2012-08-15T15:57:35Z")
> [@Scotty Mo](#): > > At least with my method she knows she won’t be hearing from him again. He’s going to pretty much tell her this is the last time I’m trying. Reading through this thread, do you \*honestly \*think that would be the last time etv contacts her? Absolutely not a chance. A year from now he’ll start another thread, get 5 pages of responses telling him not to, and one person will chime in with “why not give it a shot?”, and he’ll see that as the confirmation he needs to once again rekindle this lost cause. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/179 "2012-08-15T16:11:25Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > An aside having nothing to do with the relationship… As a person who went to a wedding with a platonic someone as their +1, please don’t do it. > > People go with their SO because it’s their SO, and they share most every important occasion with them. > > The only time it is acceptable to bring a friend as +1, is if you are not intimately acquainted with most of the attendees. Such as, you are an old college friend of the bride/groom, but not deeply involved with their family and other friends. In which case, you bring a friend because you’ll need someone to talk to. > > This is your sister’s wedding, you are going to know lots of people there. When you talk to them, your +1 is going to be standing around bored, looking for another free drink to pass the time. At least, that’s what I did. i agree with this! She’s meet several members of my immedaite family, so she wouldn’t be totally lost. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_G7subs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85e7bf/32.png) [@Rich\_G7subs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_G7subs)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2012, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908/180 "2012-08-15T16:19:47Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > i agree with this! She’s meet several members of my immedaite family, so she wouldn’t be totally lost. :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-platonic-date-you-wish-werent/630908.md?page=10)