Dude. He lives in the Bay Area :p.
Our daughter is a lesbian.
We’re fine with it.
Our only request to her about her life, is for her to make sure she’s happy, to feel safe, and be loved.
Those should always be the only requirements that anyone in any family should ask of another family member.
Ditto on all of the above (including the “you’re really just gay” mother) except that my dad is still a little uncomfortable. He loves me, he wants me to be happy, but he’s massively befuddled by the whole situation.
My extended family really couldn’t be more excited in a slightly… disturbing… and over-enthusiastic way. Maybe they think it completes the cast of misfits for our wacky sitcom in the making?
I’m pretty damn lucky. My immediate family is very accepting and supportive. Heck three of them live with myself and Jayjay. They like him much more than they like me… 
As for my extended family, it really isn’t an issue. I have never been very close to most relatives on my mother’s side, or my father’s side. I haven’t seen most of them in many years. We do run into some of these family members every once in awhile. I introduce Jayjay as my partner and they don’t even blink, or at least cause a scene.
I’m nudging him now to tell his side of the story.
I’ve been nudged. 
My family is…quietly accepting. As in “keep it kind of quiet and we’ll accept it”. It’s never been actually negotiated that way or anything, but it’s the kind of thing where everybody knows how things are but nobody actually talks about it explicitly. I bring supervenusfreak to family functions when we’re in town, and everyone knows him, but at no point have the words “I’m gay” or “This is my partner, Dwight” come out of my mouth to any of them (except my mom, brother and two aunts. My dad knew, too, but that’s a separate story).
When I first told my mom, I did it ineptly. I was away at college and wrote her a letter. :rolleyes: Yes, I know. I got a phone call (a very weepy phone call) and we went through the whole “What did I do wrong?” recriminationpalooza. Then she just…got it. Within six months, she was accepting (if still worried about me as a gay man in a homophobic world).
My father found out. Note that I do not say I told him. He found some…er…recreational periodicals…under my mattress. We had a huge blowout argument in which very hurtful things were said, I ran out of the house (I had to pick up my mother at work anyway), and when I got home, it was like nothing had happened. At no point, for the rest of his life, was the argument or my orientation mentioned. Ever. We both just decided to pretend he didn’t know.
So, in the immediate family, after initial explosions (except when I told my brother. He shrugged and said, “Yeah? Who didn’t know?”) they either accepted or ignored. The rest of the family is happy as long as the cobweb-thin curtain is still draped over it.
My family is completely accepting. My mom and dad showed up at Pride, and when I was 17 I had a nice long talk with my aunt and uncle about it and it worked really well. I’ve never brought a boyfriend home yet (never been in that position) but they’ve been comfortable talking about my relationships (my mom asks me if I’m seeing anyone, etc.)
When I was young, I was pissed off once because my dad referred to my boyfriend as “your… ummmmm… friend.” But then I heard him refer to my brother’s girlfriend as “his… ummmmm… friend,” so I felt better.
I never came out to my grandparents (my mom’s parents) – they live (Grandma)/lived (Grandpa) in California anyway so there didn’t seem to be any point. A while ago I asked Mom if she had told them; she said yes. I asked her how they reacted; she looked at me and went “Matt, your grandma was a ballet dancer and your grandpa was an actor. How do you think they reacted?”
Most of my other friends haven’t had it anywhere near that good. Hamish’s parents were abusive to begin with and this didn’t help to say the least. (His sister is now married to a woman and still isn’t out to them; if you knew what he’d been through, you’d understand why.) Most aren’t that bad, but aren’t that great either – my friend Ros’s mother is neurotic that her younger sister will find out (she’s known for ages and is bisexual anyway) and her extended family is very Catholic and very homophobic.
So I’ve lucked out.
Similar to what Tamerlane said, bisexuals catch a lot of flak in San Diego of the “sooner or later you’ll admit you’re homosexual” variety.
I should add something: My mother had a cousin who was a transsexual. I only met her (she was “her” at the time) once, way back in the '50s. I was just a kid, about 9 or 10, and my mother’s cousin was probably 10 years older than me. All I remember was that she was very “butch” and drove a motorcycle.
I think this paved the way for some of my family’s acceptance. I can’t imagine what bravery to took to be a TS back in the '50s.
Sorry to hear that. Of all the people who are supposed to be most accepting, it’s the Christians. Hypocrisy knows no bounds.
I have a question. How do you feel about public displays of affection with your partner in front of your mom while she’s there? Are you going to refrain or live life normally while she’s there?
I personally feel that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but if I had a parent that was uneasy or completely unacceptable about it, I would personally try and hold off or at least make it a private affair while she’s there. But that’s just me, how about you?
It happens when it happens. It just does. Publically affectionate couples can’t help themselves. I have always treated such things as completely normal, when they happen.
The first time I visited Jayjay’s family, his mother had a list of “no no’s” for when we were out in public, number one being “No Public Displays Of Affection”. No kissing, no hand holding, no affectionate glances, etc. We were going to her catholic parish’s annual street festival, and she “laid down the law” about our behavior.
Cut to me in the basement of the church, in the flea market area. I see a cute nick nack that his mother would like and say “Hey babe! What do you think of this?” in a rather loud voice…
No silences. No lightning. We still kiss and peck and hold hands in front of others, including his family.
Booming, actually.
By PDA, we’re talking about a peck on the cheek, or a hug, though. Not slobbery makeout sessions or heavy petting. Especially in front of my mother, the woman who had my brother and his wife sleeping in separate beds when they came to visit until the birth of her first grandson forced different sleeping arrangements for reasons of space…
Ha, I have that (slightly different in that my mum figured out I liked guys before I really did, which is annoying and would make me suspicious if I wasn’t very much about the girls, too). My parents and brother seem ok. I’m not certain if the rest of my family know… I haven’t said anything since I don’t think there’s much point until I actually get a boyfriend and need to explain things. But my mum is a gossip.
I’ll answer for my family and friends.
My 16-year-old sister-in-law came out as a lesbian a year or so ago. Her mother didn’t really think twice about it or change her approach in any way (other than, ‘‘thank god I don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant now.’’) Her father thinks it’s some kind of rebellion thing, but I don’t think it’s because he has a problem with homosexuality, I think it’s because she’s got all kinds of other issues going on right now. I don’t blame him for his perspective, but our job isn’t to decide her motive on this matter, it’s to love and accept her and help her through this difficult time.
I have a friend in high school who moved away with his family, and one day his mother found his journal where he discussed his attraction to other men. She destroyed all of his pictures, letters, journals, posters, everything of sentimental value of him, blamed us (his friends back home) and forbid him to see us ever again. She also told him, ‘‘I’d rather you had killed someone.’’ He is still living with his parents. As a straight man, of course. Haven’t heard from him since he had a new girlfriend he was really excited about.
I had a friend/uncle-figure who agonized for years over telling his mother. When he finally did, she started crying and said, ‘‘I’m so glad you felt you could tell me. If you are what it means to be gay, I wish everybody in the whole wide world was gay.’’
And just to show you how deeply this fear of rejection can run, my best friend grappled with coming out to her parents for years. Despite the fact that her mother was a bisexual and her father had not only known this, but participated in a polyamorous relationship with his mother’s lover and eventually ended up divorcing one and marrying the other.
Her father was a tough guy, always putting pressure on her to do better in school, to work harder, to be smarter. She was afraid.
One day, she just told him, ‘‘Dad, X is not really just my friend. X is my girlfriend. And I like kissing her and I’m in love with her.’’
And he looked at her gruffly and said, ‘‘Just don’t let this interfere with your school work.’’
My mother outed my brother this summer. She was tired of pretending we didn’t all know. He’d been going through some rough times and was being very distant. She got fed up during an argument and told him, “If the reason you’ve been so secretive and sneaky lately is because you’re afraid we’ll find out you’re gay, don’t bother. We already know.”
He asked her how long she knew.
She said since he was about four or five years old.
He said she knew before he knew himself.
He used to request purses, dresses, and Barbies for Christmas. We put that down to not understanding gender roles and living with an older sister.
He wasn’t into sports, scouting, or other traditional “boy” activities. Well, not all boys are.
Then when he was about seven or so, he wanted to be an interior decorator. Well, we didn’t want to stereotype. There are plenty of straight male interior decorators.
When he was 10, for Christmas what he really wanted was new matching lamps for his bedroom.
When he was 15 and came to visit me, I told him we could go hang out in the city and do whatever he wanted. He wanted to see the orchid show at the conservatory.
So for us to know he is gay is sort of like knowing he has brown hair.
My immediate family has always accepted my brother for who he is. We’re still waiting to see how the (large) extended family reacts. There’s always got to be a jerk or two I suppose.
My brother’s boyfriend was impressed with how accepting we are. He was completely disowned by his parents when he came out, and as far as I know is still estranged.
They came over for a dinner party I had with my in-laws (who were also very cool about my brother - I’ve got great in-laws). There were some minor pda’s, and I will admit they made me slightly uncomfortable, but only because we’re not a demonstrative family. Heterosexual pda’s make me uncomfortable, too.
No kidding! I mean, I’m glad you found someone to love, but your 65-year-old spinster aunt doesn’t need to witness your physical passion, and neither does your cousin’s four-year-old.
She tried to turn our collective disapproval into a referendum on gay rights, which caused 100 people to simultaneously roll their eyes at her. Including her girlfriend.
I haven’t told my grandmother, and don’t plan on it, but the rest of my immediate family knows and don’t care all that much. My dad just told me to be careful, and my mom said it explained some of the stuff that had been going on in my teens (I had had some depression when I was a teenager), and that I should have told her sooner, and that I shouldn’t tell my grandmother.
My brother and sister didn’t really have much of a reaction, either, although I seem to remember him telling me about a lesbian friend of his. I will say, though, that my family isn’t really into strong emotional displays.
Very likely we’ll have it very low key when she’s there. I would probably be that way with a straight partner as well though. I mean, it’s my MOM…she doesn’t need to see that.
My coming out experience was a bit traumatic - I attempted suicide as a way of trying to tell my mother I was gay. So, obviously, she had a bit more to deal with at the time (it wasn’t just about trying to come out, I’d come out at school the year before at 13 and was having the time from hell and had just reached the end of my tether - classic cry for help). I could face telling my dad so my mum did it on the phone (they’re divorced) and he and my step mother were really upset about all the suffering in silence I’d done.
I’ve had loads of boyfriends home at my house with my mum and had them sleep over and share a bed (and the walls aren’t THAT thick at my house). With my dad it’s a bit less cosy, even though he’s met a couple of my partners he and my step mum are very uneasy about me having someone to come and stay. I confronted them about this a year ago and they basically said they didn’t want my two younger brothers to witness anything “untoward” which hurt quite a bit but I’ve now put behind me. Seeing as I haven’t had a proper long term relationship for seven years (beyond a month) it’s not been a big issue.
The rest of my family know as well and are all fine about it, I’ve even had my cousins trying (abortively) to set me up with people.
I think this statement deserves a little more attention. A lot of parents are simply uncomfortable thinking about their kids in a sexual context regardless of orientation. I say this as someone whose dad was incapable of speaking to me about sex in anything but the vaguest of euphemisms, and also as a father of young kids; I can tell already that I’m going to have mental blocks about my daughters getting laid, no matter which way they end up swinging. Obviously I’m not saying homophobia doesn’t exist - this thread alone is ample evidence that it does - but I wonder if sometimes simple ThinkingAboutMyKidsHumpingPhobia is mistaken for something more sinister.