# A rant to the 'other' grandmother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 16, 2016, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142 "2016-11-16T09:03:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/81 "2016-11-18T20:23:27Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > The daughter in the OP didn’t ask for help either. Her mother in law offered to help, and that mother-in-law feels like the other grandparent should have offered to help. How on earth does that translate into the daughter being unprepared or irresponsible? I didn’t say the daughter was unprepared or irresponsible. I think it’s great that Kambuckta offered to babysit, BUT it’s not okay to expect the other grandparent to offer. The other grandma may be a narcissistic heifer, that’s neither here nor there. I do think it is wrong to expect family to step in and assist when having a child is something you choose to do. If I need to move and my family offers to help - great! I would not expect them to help, nor would I ask. ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/82 "2016-11-18T20:27:15Z")
> [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > There are some very bitter people in the world. > > We’re all glad that **ZPG** has never spawned–for the good of the child. And probably feel pity for **MissTake** ’s daughter–who is no doubt reminded every day that she was a horrible “mistake.” Wrong. I love my daughter with every breath of my being. She was brought into this world with love, and she is reminded daily that I love her, both verbally and through my actions. You can’t be more incorrect if you tried. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/83 "2016-11-18T20:36:46Z")
Not everybody worships babies, but mothers and grandmothers do have an idea of how hard it is, especially with the first child. It doesn’t matter how prepared you are, nothing can really prepare you for this experience. Those who refer to others as breeders, therefore don’t have children, or take responsibility for those they have, or wish to have them, don’t have a dog in this fight. You are being fucking hateful trolls, and I’m relieved as a human that you’ve decided not to breed any more people like you. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/84 "2016-11-18T20:36:53Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > If Kambuckta wants to rant about someone, it should be the daughter-in-law not the mother who may well be at an age and an income level where providing free child care is not practical. I live in an extended family where relatives help each other out all the time. I am/have been the custodial guardian for several of my nieces and nephews. Kambuckta is not ranting about a give and take relationship within a functioning extended. She’s criticizing the other grandmother specifically for not providing free childcare in a situation where a functioning adult had obviously all the time in the world to make appropriate arrangements. Shut. > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Actually it’s more like someone walking to work in rain because they deliberately choose not to use the bus or hire a car service and then having them complain that someone else wouldn’t give them free rides. The. > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Keep in mind in this case the daughter wants to sell the house her mother is living in. That’s really “helping” out family there. (And an obvious explanation as to why that grandmother doesn’t plan on providing free childcare). Fuck. > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > My motto is “Don’t breed them, if you can’t feed them.” In other words do not have children unless you have a reasonable plan for supporting and raising them. A reasonable plan does not consist of expecting some one else to provide economic or social support. In a nuclear family, children are the responsibility of their parents. Up. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/85 "2016-11-18T21:29:01Z")
> [@Knowed\_Out](#): > > Wow, are you really that much of a bitter cunt ZPG? Or do you just enjoy negative attention? Is your motto “Abort them all and let God sort them out”? [Moderating] Don’t call other posters cunts. No warning issued. [/Moderating] ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/86 "2016-11-18T22:40:49Z")
I feel sorry that kam’s daughter in law has a mother who puts her petty grievances above her relationship with both her daughter and grandchild. When I had my first baby, I was taken aback by how besotted my parents were with their grandbaby. It’s a beautiful memory. They were also a pillar of wisdom and knowledge during those early weeks when I was learning how to take care of a baby. I realise I was fortunate that they were willing and able to do that for me, and I feel for Kam’s daughter in law that her mother chooses to be absent right now. It’s not even just the lack of help; it’s the grandmother’s disinterest in her own grandchild that I would be most hurt by. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/87 "2016-11-18T22:55:05Z")
> [@MoodIndigo1](#): > > Not everybody worships babies, but mothers and grandmothers do have an idea of how hard it is, especially with the first child. It doesn’t matter how prepared you are, nothing can really prepare you for this experience. > > Those who refer to others as breeders, therefore don’t have children, or take responsibility for those they have, or wish to have them, don’t have a dog in this fight. You are being fucking hateful trolls, and I’m relieved as a human that you’ve decided not to breed any more people like you. Those of us without children have as many dogs in this fight as parents. We childfree live in this world also, and we have just as many rights. Plenty of us are also completely sick of having to clean up the messes breeders make because of in some cases the breeders complete abdication of responsibilities for their actions. It’s well known that I never wanted kids, but I am legal guardian for several. Why because the relatives that spawned them are incompetent fuck-ups that are not responsible enough to take care of rocks let along living, breathing life forms? So Aunt ZPG has to make sure that little people are fed, vaccinated, have school clothes, do their homework, etc., because their irresponsible breeders spawned children into the world without bothering to consider the responsibility. I would bet I know exactly how the other grandmother feels. Probably pissed off that her daughter could not be more responsibility and damned determined not to get used by her. If I knew the other grandmother’s address I would send her some Scotch. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/88 "2016-11-18T23:49:21Z")
Good, because you sure don’t need any more. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/89 "2016-11-19T00:35:56Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > My motto is “Don’t breed them, if you can’t feed them.” In other words do not have children unless you have a reasonable plan for supporting and raising them. A reasonable plan does not consist of expecting some one else to provide economic or social support. In a nuclear family, children are the responsibility of their parents. Is the so-called nuclear family a tradition that’ll endure? ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/90 "2016-11-19T01:17:37Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Those of us without children have as many dogs in this fight as parents. We childfree live in this world also, and we have just as many rights. Plenty of us are also completely sick of having to clean up the messes breeders make because of in some cases the breeders complete abdication of responsibilities for their actions. It’s well known that I never wanted kids, but\*\* I am legal guardian for several. Why because the relatives that spawned them are incompetent fuck-ups that are not responsible enough to take care of rocks let along living, breathing life forms? So Aunt ZPG has to make sure that little people are fed, vaccinated, have school clothes, do their homework, etc., because their irresponsible breeders spawned children into the world without bothering to consider the responsibility.\*\* I would bet I know exactly how the other grandmother feels. Probably pissed off that her daughter could not be more responsibility and damned determined not to get used by her. If I knew the other grandmother’s address I would send her some Scotch. Those poor children. If I believed this, which I don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/91 "2016-11-19T02:24:32Z")
Congratulations on the new grand baby! I’m so sorry your daughter-in-law (and your son) are going through this. I hope grandma #2 steps up to the plate sooner rather than later. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/92 "2016-11-19T08:47:33Z")
2 weeks after the baby is born is a prime time for the ‘[baby blues](https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/maternal-mental-health-and-wellbeing/the-baby-blues)’ - the point at which your hormone levels start dropping and the reality of having a baby can feel overwhelming. It’s not usually for a long period of time (I had it for about 2 weeks) but I know that having my mum over from NZ for that time was so valuable, and was never really needed after that (both sets of grandparents are overseas so we’ve made ourselves our own support network of friends, nannies and daycare). Note that the link above is from Beyond Blue (the national depression/suicide awareness foundation here in Australia) and suggests that at this time time you need extra support and understanding. In fact they have a [set of recommendations specifically for co-parents, family and friends](https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/maternal-mental-health-and-wellbeing/information-for-partners-family-and-friends). It’s not for no reason. The risk of post natal depression increases with a lack of sleep, and in fact a lack of sleep makes it harder to be aware that you’re not coping. And sure, you can hire help in (I found a lactation consultant for example), but sometimes a girl just needs her mum. Good on you **Kambuckta** , love your work. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/93 "2016-11-19T08:56:14Z")
> [@Girl\_From\_Mars](#): > > … but sometimes a girl just needs her mum… This is the gist of my OP in a nutshell. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/94 "2016-11-20T06:24:02Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > I am a member of a great, normal functioning family. > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > It’s well known that I never wanted kids, but I am legal guardian for several. Why because the relatives that spawned them are incompetent fuck-ups that are not responsible enough to take care of rocks let along living, breathing life forms? So Aunt ZPG has to make sure that little people are fed, vaccinated, have school clothes, do their homework, etc., because their irresponsible breeders spawned children into the world without bothering to consider the responsibility. One of these things is not like the other… ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2016, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/95 "2016-11-21T01:34:44Z")
> [@MissTake](#): > > Actually, kinda, yeah. I have told her if/when she chooses to have a child, don’t expect me to be an automatic babysitter. I will gladly volunteer as I have time, but don’t presume I will drop everything to watch her child. At this point, she’s not sure she ever wants to procreate, so who knows. Then again, I may be taken over by grandma madness and want to spend every moment possible with her child. Hopefully, that’s still more than a few years out. > > Love and responsibility are two different things. I do things out of love all the time. Take my mother to dinner for no reason. Go to church for her. Rake leaves/mow lawns/shovel for elderly neighbors. I frequently petsit for my sister. I have no problems doing any of it, and do not expect reciprocation. > … That was my grandmother’s take (my father’s mother) when I was born. “I won’t babysit - its your baby, I’m done raising kids.” When she got old, she wondered why her daughters in law didn’t come over to clean her house. Why her granddaughters never took her out to lunch. Why her family found other places to be on holidays. Why she was so alone. Why none of her daughters in law or granddaughters showed her the respect she was entitled to (she only had sons, and my dad only had daughters). My other grandparents had a home filled with their children and grandchildren who ran to their aid - they’d always been there when we needed them, we were there for them when they needed us. ---
**Author:** ![nicky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f0a364/32.png) [@nicky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicky)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2016, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/96 "2016-11-21T14:42:49Z")
I think by signing up to be a parent you are also signing up to be a grandparent. If grandkids come along, barring exceptional circumstances, you gotta help. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2016, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/97 "2016-11-23T20:04:46Z")
Heck, most parents actually want grandkids. There have to be exceptions, but the one person I know who claims to never have wanted grandkids is my Crazy Aunt and it’s one of the things in which her memories and the memories of her daughter and me don’t match; she spent years shooting barbs at her daughter for not wanting to have kids. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2016, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/98 "2016-11-24T09:22:29Z")
Grandkids are teh bomb. I honestly feel sorry for those in this thread who have maligned grandparenthood, because it’s actually super-cool. Much more enjoyable than parenthood I gotta tell you! Meh, whatever, I’m not here to persuade folks to change their opinions…I was here to rant, and for the record, the bitch other-grandmother is still a bitch and still not helping her daughter in any way. Sucks to be her then… ;)😉 ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2016, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/99 "2016-11-24T11:53:14Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > My other grandparents had a home filled with their children and grandchildren who ran to their aid - they’d always been there when we needed them, we were there for them when they needed us. This is how my husband’s family was with my MIL, especially after my FIL passed. Then their kids grew up. Suddenly the kids are off doing their own things. A couple of my husband’s siblings are downsizing and/or moving away. Some of them already made alternate plans for the holidays and won’t be around for the annual Christmas Eve festivities. This Thanksgiving, for example, is just my MIL and my SIL. SIL’s husband is away on business; her grown kids are off doing their own things. She’s the only one around (we have standing plans every year so we don’t count in this). We have no idea what they’ll be doing. I can’t help but think it’s part of a greater scheme in that, if something ever happens with my MIL, none of them want the responsibility of caring for her. Right now she’s fit as a fiddle in every way. As I say to my husband, “Let’s pray she stays that way because if she doesn’t, your family is going to explode every which way.” ---
**Author:** ![Jane\_Smythe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f04885/32.png) [@Jane\_Smythe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jane_Smythe)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2016, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142/100 "2016-11-24T12:18:33Z")
> [@Whiskey\_Dickens](#): > > Hahahahaha! Holy shit. 😃 > > Yeah, fuck functioning, loving families, amirite? Yep. Dysfunctional family values. Holy shit. Toxic people. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-rant-to-the-other-grandmother/772142.md?page=4)