# A sister owes me thousands. Should I forgive the debt? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 30, 2015, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175 "2015-05-30T03:16:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/41 "2015-05-30T20:45:23Z")
You might be able to forgive the loan, but I don’t think you can forgive your sister and I wouldn’t be able to, either. Sit down with her and work out a payment plan, then get it notarized or whatever makes it binding. They may be surprised how little they have to live on but Fact—they’re eating dinners out. So they have enough to make at least small monthly payments. That they know you’re having to repay a loan because of their screw up, and apparently don’t care, shows absolutely no respect for you and your needs. I wouldn’t cut her off. I’d make her repay the loan. ---
**Author:** ![protoboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/fbc32d/32.png) [@protoboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/protoboard)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/42 "2015-05-30T20:54:41Z")
> [@tapu](#): > > Silly as it may sound, you might try making a Pros/Cons list. You may have to start a few of them as you narrow down the real options and your own take on it. I’ve done this before and gotten–maybe not exactly from the list itself–a lot of real insight into how I felt about something. > > Good luck–this is a tough one. How about a SWOT analysis? ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/43 "2015-05-30T21:11:38Z")
There’s one good thing about a family member borrowing money and not paying it back. They never ask again. If they do, you nicely remind then that the last time they did, they failed to pay it back. Now you have the moral grounds to ignore her financial situation in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/44 "2015-05-30T21:16:24Z")
> [@protoboard](#): > > I’m gonna take a different course than most people who would probably tell you your sister is a scumbag and you should disown her. > > Is $10,000 really worth losing a sibling over? She might be kind of a crummy person, but let’s put it this way - you’re never going to get another sibling. Ever. > > Just devil’s advocate/food for thought. Not judging you 🙂 Good luck! I missed the part where people are calling his sister a scumbag. I missed the part where most people said to disown her too. I also missed the part about him lending her 10 grand. Apparently, I didn’t read the thread very carefully. ---
**Author:** ![tapu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@tapu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tapu)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/45 "2015-05-30T23:57:38Z")
> [@protoboard](#): > > How about a SWOT analysis? No, I think it’s more personal than that. SWOT is about business proposals, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/46 "2015-05-31T01:54:45Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > And, as these things go, she showed her gratitude by avoiding him. Bar owner near where I lived said that whenever he had an asshole regular, he’d find an opportunity to lend him $10 or $20. Expecting that once he’d lent money, he’d never see the guy again. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/47 "2015-05-31T01:54:47Z")
When my brother died 16 years ago, my sister-in-law asked to borrow $5000 “until the insurance money came”. I happen to know that bro had about $2,000,000 worth of insurance. He had explained to me that that was what he figured would be needed to send all three kids to college and keep his wife in the style they were accustomed to. So I wrote a check on the spot. And for about a year spoke to his widow (whom I never liked at all–she was very religious and very judgmental about everything she didn’t approve of) about once a month. Neither she nor I ever mentioned the money. I stopped calling her and she had never called me. And I have never had any contact with her since. Fortunately, $5000 will not break me. But she is a piece of shit. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/48 "2015-05-31T02:04:59Z")
> [@protoboard](#): > > I’m gonna take a different course than most people who would probably tell you your sister is a scumbag and you should disown her. > > Is $10,000 really worth losing a sibling over? She might be kind of a crummy person, but\*\* let’s put it this way - you’re never going to get another sibling. Ever. > \*\* > Just devil’s advocate/food for thought. Not judging you 🙂 Good luck! Actually, I’m one of five kids, so I have spare sibs. 😉 StG ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/49 "2015-05-31T03:55:09Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > The broken hip didn’t keep the BIL from working in the restaurant, because they basically bought it for one of their kids, a layabout who’s never really worked a full week in her life. Since she wasn’t college-bound (they helped their other 3 daughters through college), the idea was they’d buy the restaurant so she and her boyfriend could have a business and a place to life (apartment above the restaurant). It didn’t work out that way. > > They’re aware that I’m paying off a loan borrowed because they haven’t paid me. They’re aware I"m paying interest on their debt. Part of my issue is not only their spending, but the fact that the BIL (who is at least more concerned about the debt than my sister) keeps dreaming these pie-in-the-sky dreams about how he’s going to augment his retirement income with little work on his part. “Oh, I’ll buy a farm and cut hay. 6 weeks of work per year and it’ll be great!” (They didn’t buy the farm) When I told him my retirement plan was to work hard, live frugally and save a lot, his response was, “But wouldn’t it be nice _not_ to have to do that?” Sure, but not realistic. > > I can afford to pay this off. It’ll be done soon anyway. But I’m by nature a strong ISTJ. I plan, I execute. I don’t know that even if I “forgive” the debt I’ll be able to forgive my sister for not following through with her word. > > StG I’ve been in your place a dozen times with my brother. The money will never be repaid. This is one thing that you must understand. Next, remember the story of the scorpion and the frog. Also, I know accidents happen, but, your dumbass BIL missed a ladder? Something like this happened to somebody I worked with; when I heard it, I wasn’t surprised a bit. some people are dumbasses. Don’t lend dumbasses money. Now, down to the hard part: You know, of course, that you should only be angry at yourself. \*\*You \*\*take out a loan for \*\*parents \*\*(who can’t afford it themselves, or \*\*won’t \*\*take the loan out themselves) for a shiftless relative of theirs who doesn’t work, so she and her non-employed boyfriend can have a place to live? As I said before, I’ve been in your place, but, wow, you should have seen this coming a mile off… I’m wondering if the daughter and bf even were consulted about it, other than the bit about the free place to live. These people are totally dysfunctional when it comes to your money. You must get that into your head right now. When you lend them money you think that they are thinking “We’ll pay **StGermain back whenwecan/whenprofitsstart/never/whenever…". What they are thinking is "We have the money. @@@@** \*!!! Whee!!! Here is $5000! We can spend it. We didn’t have to do anything for it!! Yeehaw! We’ve got it!” Do you notice how your name never came up? That’s because they never thought of it. Where normal people think “lender”, these people think “Whee!” Static comes into \*their \*thinking when \*you \*think about being repaid. They are confused when you mention the debt, and are amazed at your concern about it-\*they \*aren’t bothered about it, why should \*you \*be?..they will give you lip service about paying you back, but, they are wondering what in the world it is that you are on about, and disregard it as one of her beloved brother’s harmless fantasies. You’ll never see the money again, but, next time they ask for some, just let them know that you are broke, and can’t lend them any. I say tell them that you are broke because when the time comes, they will come to you with newly scrubbed faces, with the endearing charm that family can generate, and the situation will be either a sure thing, or else a dire emergency, neither of which a family member should forego helping with. That is their nature. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2015, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/50 "2015-05-31T06:16:39Z")
> [@protoboard](#): > > Is $10,000 really worth losing a sibling over? She might be kind of a crummy person, but let’s put it this way - you’re never going to get another sibling. Ever. Re-read the OP – it was $5000. You’re assuming that everyone has a sibling they like. I’ve known people who’d consider $10,000 not only worth it, but damned cheap! 😉 Hell, I’ve had relatives I’d pay twice that amount to get rid of! (Not my sister) ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2015, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/51 "2015-06-01T16:03:30Z")
Another vote for letting it go. It’s unfortunate but the money is not worth the bad feelings and aggravation to keep pressing her for it. Life is short, if you want a relationship with her it’s wise to have that relationship now while you still can. And you’ve got a great precedent to say “Sorry, no” when asked for money in the future. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2015, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/52 "2015-06-01T16:45:47Z")
For the most part, you can’t change other people or make them do what you want to. You can only control how you act. I agree with everyone else that you’re very likely not getting this money back. That sucks. No way around it. You’ve learned something about your sister. You can decide that she’s not someone you want contact with any more as a result. Certainly, if you think you can’t let the money go, then it’s better just to avoid contact than to constantly get angry about it. Or you can try to forgive her and keep her in your life. And never give her any money again. If it would help your financial situation, it could be reasonable to report the debt as forgiven to the IRS. I think you owe her exactly one formal letter pointing out that you will be doing so after your attempts to get her to repay were not effective. She probably won’t react well to this, so consider that this might be burning a bridge. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2015, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/53 "2015-06-01T17:45:34Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > They didn’t incur any medical bills, he went to the VA. > > So, I talked to BIL. Instead of couching this as a collection call, I explained that having having this out there was making me feel angry, which I didn’t like. He said part of the reason they weren’t repaying me is that they sent money to my brother, the cancer guy. (one of my other sisters has sent him $4000, too). He volunteered that since some things have changed recently he’ll begin paying in July. He says $1000/mo. I told him that would be great, but to make sure whatever he promises is a doable amount. Better to under-promise and over-perform. We’ll see. > > StG Really, it’s the uncertainty that will eat corrode your spirit if you let it. I’m sure if they’d told you, “Hey, we really want to help out SickBrother, so we’re putting you off a bit longer” you wouldn’t be half as frustrated as you are. The first time the check doesn’t come (so, July 2nd) give him a call and say, “Look, it means a great deal to me to have some token payment to reassure me that I’m not being ‘taken’ by my own family. I realize you’ve had some hard times, and that you prioritized helping SickBrother, but I need to know I’m in there too. So even if you can’t send the Grand, or even $500, I want you to just write a check for anything. Write it for $1 if you have to, but do it the first of every month so that I don’t have to be pissed off about it all the time. Even if you know you’ll be able to write a bigger one o the 14th or whatever, just send me that $1 check so I’m not left over here grinding my teeth and wondering about it. You can always send a second one if it works out. If you’ll do that, I’ll assume you’re doing the best you can and wait for the larger payments patiently.” They will feel incredibly guilty writing the $1 check, and send at least as much as they can. Or they won’t write the $1 check, and then you’ll know exactly where you stand. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Fun\_Ball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_fun_ball/32/17664_2.png) [@Happy\_Fun\_Ball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Fun_Ball)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2015, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/54 "2015-06-01T18:59:26Z")
I would let it go and tell them so. Forgive the debt completely, no looking back. That said, I would also declare it as a loss on my income tax and write it off. When you do this, they will have to pay tax on it which may piss them off. I would never loan them money again, though I might gift them money if I felt like helping them out. I was in a similar circumstance once and wrote off the debt. It led to a nice tax refund though it did slightly damage our relationship. We stayed close and I gifted the person a car several years later. I gave up on them not too long after because they just could not get their act together and I was busy trying to start a family. I was not about to let the drama spill over onto my new wife and children… ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2015, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175/55 "2015-06-01T19:20:16Z")
> [@protoboard](#): > > I’m gonna take a different course than most people who would probably tell you your sister is a scumbag and you should disown her. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to agree with everyone else. OP your sister is a scumbag and you should divorce her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-sister-owes-me-thousands-should-i-forgive-the-debt/721175.md?page=2)