# A Snapshot Of Corporate America **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 30, 2004, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955 "2004-06-30T22:03:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/1 "2004-06-30T22:03:31Z")
My notes from today’s staff meeting (a word-for-word transcription of my “looking busy” note taking): * * * Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadaa. Blah yadda blah yadda STFU already. Yeah, you already said that, Brainiac. Sick of your voice already. No, actually, that’s a really effing stupid idea. Sure, if you hate having customers, then go for it. Stop. Talking. NOW. How can one person drone on _this_ long??? If I tell you I like the idea, will you close your fat yap? Are you really that dense? Hey Cluebitch, I count three people in here fast asleep. 75 minutes = Too effing long for a meeting, cow. 4:17. Those who work 8-4 are gonna wanna string your ass up. _Shut the hell up!!_ Some of want to actually go do our fricking jobs! Done? Good. NO ONE ask any questions! Matt, I’m gonna beat you with a Swingline in a minute. ARGH!! You’re the ONLY one who doesn’t get it! Ask her AFTER the meeting! Oh Cripes, it’s time for the Eric The Questioner show. Because everyone hates you, that’s why. Eric, do you love this stuffy-ass meeting room or something? What, do you have a penis pump under the desk? **Stop asking questions!!** Oh, you are _so_ getting toner dumped in your coffee. Thank God that’s over. Pigwoman, never ask me into a meeting again. * * * I love my job, but boy, do I hate stupid meetings. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/2 "2004-06-30T22:07:04Z")
_…sniff…_ I thought I was alone. _…snif…_ ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/3 "2004-06-30T22:11:20Z")
Seventy-five minutes, too long for a meeting? I’ve been to many which were just getting _started_ at that point … ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/4 "2004-06-30T22:21:00Z")
Well, on the subject of jobs, might I add: AAAAAAAaGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHG!!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: I’ve been needing to do that for a while now, thank you. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/5 "2004-06-30T22:28:17Z")
That is a transcript of pretty much every faculty meeting I have ever attended. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![flickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7bcc69/32.png) [@flickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flickster)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/6 "2004-06-30T22:46:06Z")
Corp America has been meeting crazy for quite some time. For the most part it’s all BS. The only way some ppl can show they are being “productive” is the schedule another friggin meeting. It’s the preferred process for brown nosing or kissing the ass of the boss. “Look I’m conducting a meeting. Look at my Powerpoint slides. Listen to my endless drivel.” Then there’s always some dips\*\*t that has to try to share in the ass kissing by asking questions. Let me do my job and leave me the f\*\*k alone - my workplace motto. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/7 "2004-06-30T22:50:52Z")
The main purpose of a meeting is to try to recall what was discussed at the last meeting and then figure out what will be discussed at the next one. ---
**Author:** ![Kid\_A\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Kid\_A\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kid_A_1)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/8 "2004-06-30T22:51:29Z")
This just reminded me of my quaterly meeting next Tuesday. 9:00-3:30. How the hell am I supposed to stay awake during that, especially since only about one hour of it will actually relate to what I’m working on? On the plus side we get a free catered lunch, so it’s not all bad. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/9 "2004-06-30T22:52:09Z")
I think if we reevaluate our sourcing strategy we can materialize a significant spend reduction. You want me to reprioritize my primary action items list for my workstream? No…only if you don’t have the bandwith to track to plan. I think by transfering the outlier identification reports to Bob’s 'stream we can significantly de-risk some of the issues we had with the schedule. Let me speak with Bob off-line. He has a lot on his plate right now with two of his resources rolling off next week. Mary, will you capture those to-do’s as actionable items for next week. …yeah…that’s how we actually talk. ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/10 "2004-06-30T23:05:41Z")
I’m retired. And own a Harley. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/11 "2004-06-30T23:14:15Z")
Here was my schedule on Monday: 9:00 Staff operations meeting, purpose: discuss projects, safety, EBIT, revenue, ROCE, etc. 11:00 Meeting on One Page Plan (god, I hate these flavor-of-the-day management tools), purpose: discuss projects, safety, EBIT, revenue, ROCE, etc. Runs long until 12:30. Diabetics like me are ready to gnaw on the table and eat the chalk. 2:00 Financials meeting, purpose: discuss projects, EBIT, revenue, ROCE, etc. What, no friggin’ safety discussion? Three meetings in one day to discuss the same goddamn issues with many of the same goddamn people. And you just gotta love all the sidebar discussions that are only relevant to two people in the room. ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Igor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Vlad\_Igor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Igor)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/12 "2004-06-30T23:31:08Z")
From [here](http://www.students.cs.uu.nl/~pcdongen/jokes/slang.html): > [@](#): > > Meeting Engineer > A person who spends more time in meetings than doing actual work. Those who fall into this category usually have either out-of-date technical skills or none in the first place. This person will tend to complain about how they never have time to get any work done since they’re in meetings all the time. ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/13 "2004-06-30T23:39:47Z")
This had me in stitches (no, not staples): > [@Hal Briston](#): > > Done? Good. NO ONE ask any questions! > Matt, I’m gonna beat you with a Swingline in a minute. I recall looking at some notes from grad school when was a guy who _would not stop talking_. Revisiting my notes from the class, I found that I’d covered an entire page with variations on the theme of “DIE, TALKING-BOY, DIE!” ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Igor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Vlad\_Igor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Igor)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/14 "2004-06-30T23:44:26Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Here was my schedule on Monday: > > 9:00 Staff operations meeting, purpose: discuss projects, safety, EBIT, revenue, ROCE, etc. > > 11:00 Meeting on One Page Plan (god, I hate these flavor-of-the-day management tools), purpose: discuss projects, safety, EBIT, revenue, ROCE, etc. Runs long until 12:30. Diabetics like me are ready to gnaw on the table and eat the chalk. > … _etc ad nauseum_ I’ve seen quotes alluding to conspiracy theories being pornography for the paranoid, and the above makes me think that meetings are porn for managers or hard-core type “A” uh, types. Fortunately, I’m low enough on the food chain that I don’t have to attend but one or two a week. Even so, those can go on longer than they need to due to all of the mental masturbation going on. Why am I getting hot and bothered all of a sudden? Vlad/Igor ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2004, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/15 "2004-07-01T00:26:58Z")
Well said, OP. Reason #467 why I am glad that I went to work for myself this year. Haj ---
**Author:** ![Thaumaturge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@Thaumaturge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thaumaturge)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2004, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/16 "2004-07-01T00:45:49Z")
Ever wonder why you suffer through so many useless meatings? Well here’s an interesting little factoid: 11.5% of all workers in the US are _managers_. That is compared to 5.7% in Germany and 2.4% in Sweden. That means that we are burdened with between 2 and 5 times the number of managers that are actually needed. Too many cheifs, not enough indians, at a national level. What can all these useless high salary people do to justify their existance but schedule meeting after meeting. Certainly they can’t be any more productive than any fifth wheel. Just an interesting little thing I discovered recently while researching for a paper I wrote on why Americans work too long. As an interesting corrorallary anecdote, the department where my gf works has more managers than workers, and has _many_ pointless meetings. ---
**Author:** ![Thaumaturge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@Thaumaturge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thaumaturge)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2004, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/17 "2004-07-01T00:49:11Z")
corrorallary? :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2004, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/18 "2004-07-01T01:18:24Z")
Could be worse. Been my experience that the only thing worse than a stupid, pointless, idiotic, content-free meeting called by the management to justify their existence to the bosses, and made mandatory because if it weren’t, no one would come… …is a stupid, pointless, idiotic, content-free meeting called by the management to justify their existence to the bosses, and made mandatory because if it weren’t, no one would come **when you work the graveyard shift, and they decide to hold the freakin’ meeting in the exact middle of your normal sleeping hours.** At one point, I had a boss who thought it would be neato to do this every stinkin’ week. I wound up daring him to fire me. Trying to do your job on no sleep makes you brave and stupid. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2004, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/19 "2004-07-01T02:04:48Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > My notes from today’s staff meeting (a word-for-word transcription of my “looking busy” note taking): > > * * * > > _Shut the hell up!!_ Some of want to actually go do our fricking jobs! > Done? Good. NO ONE ask any questions! > Matt, I’m gonna beat you with a Swingline in a minute. > > * * * > > I love my job, but boy, do I hate stupid meetings. Hah! These three lines were clearly plagiarized from MY meeting notes. I mean, you could have at _least_ changed the name! ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2004, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955/20 "2004-07-01T02:34:08Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > Yeah, you already said that, Brainiac. > Sick of your voice already. What? What’d I say? Or was that another Brainiac? The first three are jerks. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-snapshot-of-corporate-america/252955.md?page=2)