# A special kind of Jerk: people who are "aggressively nice". **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 26, 2017, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842 "2017-02-26T17:13:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/21 "2017-02-27T21:56:24Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > My rule of thumb is that if you think of something clever to say and you’re about to say it to someone that works in retail and speaks with hundreds of people a day, they’ve probably heard it plenty of times and probably already that day. IOW, that joke you like to tell cashiers and waitstaff and bartenders, it’s not the first time they’ve heard it and they’d like to keep moving forward with their day. Right. If the item doesn’t scan, it does not mean it’s free. You don’t even get it free for being the millionth person to give me that line. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/22 "2017-02-27T22:05:05Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I was pissed off at her the rest of the day. I should have thrown them straight in the garbage can, but instead I gave them away the moment we got to the meeting. I’ve been on a weight-control regimen for a long time, and _jeepers_, do I ever hate food pushers. One cookie would have been bad enough, but six? Seriously, on what planet does “no thanks” mean “pls buy me a half dozen”? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/23 "2017-02-27T23:10:46Z")
> [@Totenfeier](#): > > I remember the passage about as well as you do; I think that the person, according to Lewis, was “offended” at seeing more food than they wanted at that particular time, and so used that “Oh, no, that’s too much! All I need is…” dodge, and then described in detail how to make something smaller but that would take the host or hostess additional time and trouble to make. > > He also wrote about an old lady who always got her toast and tea, but complained that “nobody could make it properly anymore,” not realizing that age had probably altered her sense of taste so much that she couldn’t have recognized well-made tea and toast if it WERE served to her. As you noted, it’s a control game. That sounds about right. > [@Totenfeier](#): > > Missed the edit window. > > His point was that people who acted that way, with an inconveniencing focus on food and what _they_ wanted to eat (no matter how “little”) - rather than on what was being served - were committing the sin of gluttony as surely as someone who overeats. I think you recall it better than me - and you’re right, the point was actually about the sin of gluttony, which is a slightly different form of self-centred-ness from the one being discussed in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Last\_Glacial\_Maximum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Last\_Glacial\_Maximum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Last_Glacial_Maximum)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2017, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/24 "2017-02-27T23:13:32Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Right. If the item doesn’t scan, it does not mean it’s free. You don’t even get it free for being the millionth person to give me that line. Well, I guess I have to stop telling cashiers to “not worry about it” {after their third failed swipe of my product} and just toss the item in my bag, as I don’t want to delay those waiting in line behind me… . ---
**Author:** ![Chicken\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Chicken\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicken_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/25 "2017-02-28T06:15:56Z")
Boundary crushing is an attempt to control and manipulate, in this case disguised as a “nice” act. They may be trying to control or manipulate you, and theyalso may be concerned with manipulating the image others have of them or how they see themselves. Some cultures encourage this more than others. I know someone so pathological about it that she could insist on purchasing and shoving a hotdog down your throat until you choke, because she cares about you seeming hungry and she wants everyone to see how caring and sacrificing she is. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/26 "2017-02-28T06:38:51Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Yeah, it’s like jokes about people’s names or asking how’s the weather up there. Really, dude? It wasn’t clever the first time! Reminds me of something that happened to me when I was a reporter for my all-women’s college newspaper many years ago. I got to attend a press event with clowns from Ringling Brothers. All but one of the clowns fielding press questions were male. As a representative of a women’s college newspaper, I was dying to ask the lone female clown about what it was like being a woman in a male-dominated profession. However, before I could do so, the female clown spoke up: “I HATE it when everybody asks the obvious question, you know…'what’s it like being a female clown in a profession where everyone is male.” I was crushed, and of course didn’t ask her any questions. At the time I was a bit upset and thought she was rather rude. As time passed, though, my opinion of her mellowed. Yes, it would have been nice of her to humor people asking, time and time again, the obvious questions about her gender and profession. On the other hand, she taught me a great lesson while I was still young enough to take it to heart and remember it. Since that encounter, I have tried very conscientiously to avoid asking the obvious question that people in certain situations hear over and over again. So I guess I owe that female clown a “thank you” for teaching me an important life lesson, even if it hurt a little bit at the time. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/27 "2017-02-28T13:49:16Z")
I had an ex who would do shit like this constantly, especially for my birthday. I don’t like my birthday, I don’t like people paying that much undo attention to me. So I would always tell her “I don’t want anything, I don’t want people to know…I just want to be normal like every other day.” But she would constantly go all out and tell everyone she knew and plan these big gettogethers and things. I would be so mad at her, and all she would say was a sheepish “I did it for you”. How about you LISTEN TO MY WORDS… ugh. Makes me mad just thinking about it. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/28 "2017-02-28T15:03:31Z")
> [@Chicken\_Fingers](#): > > I know someone so pathological about it that she could insist on purchasing and shoving a hotdog down your throat until you choke, because she cares about you seeming hungry and she wants everyone to see how caring and sacrificing she is. “I am the shover robot I push bread down their throats We are here to protect you We are here to protect you from the terrible secret of space” Apparently, your “someone” is a [space robot](https://www.letssingit.com/the-laziest-men-on-mars-lyrics-the-terrible-secret-of-space-knr3z2q#axzz4ZzabwM2B). Do any of your “someones” also shove blind people around? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2017, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/29 "2017-02-28T15:25:27Z")
I’m reminded of two more types of people: 1. Some people will stand at road intersections, armed with bucket of cleaning solvent and wiper, and then, when cars stop at the traffic light, begin to clean the car windshields - _without being asked_ by the car owners - and then demand payment - and then get angry, possibly violent, when the car owners don’t pay up. 2. A guy who was loudly serenading his girlfriend at a subway station (or something like that) because it was “the romantic thing to do” - ignoring the fact that she didn’t want it, that it made her feel self-conscious - and then was baffled when she got angry at him. He was doing “the romantic thing,” the thing people do in romantic movies! He wasn’t caring at all about what she felt; it was about how HE felt. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2017, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/30 "2017-03-01T22:47:25Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > 1. Some people will stand at road intersections, armed with bucket of cleaning solvent and wiper, and then, when cars stop at the traffic light, begin to clean the car windshields - _without being asked_ by the car owners - and then demand payment - and then get angry, possibly violent, when the car owners don’t pay up. Around here it’s spit and a dirty rag, but yeah. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2017, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/31 "2017-03-01T23:42:40Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > 1. A guy who was loudly serenading his girlfriend at a subway station (or something like that) because it was “the romantic thing to do” - ignoring the fact that she didn’t want it, that it made her feel self-conscious - and then was baffled when she got angry at him. He was doing “the romantic thing,” the thing people do in romantic movies! He wasn’t caring at all about what she felt; it was about how HE felt. There are a bunch of videos on You Tube of men making public marriage proposals, often in ways like this, and let’s just say they totally fall flat. :smack: I do wonder how many of them are staged and done by actors. ---
**Author:** ![JcWoman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jcwoman/32/2889_2.png) [@JcWoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JcWoman)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/32 "2017-03-02T18:21:32Z")
It’s veering into a tangent, but I hate the marriage proposal thing, even though men seem to think it’s de rigeur. The part that I especially hate is when they open the ring box and show the ring as they propose. The woman has no choice but to look at the ring shoved in her face, and if she wants/needs to decline him then it looks like she declined because of the ring. Like, “your token is too piddly, you loser” when it’s not about the ring at all, but it’s about their relationship. (Or the reverse, it looks like she accepted the proposal because the token was acceptable. It’s offensively material.) ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/33 "2017-03-02T18:33:33Z")
The TV show Impractical Jokers [reversed the trope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5n-FvpGwW8#t=1m20s), where the woman proposed in public, on camera, in front a huge crowd, and the guy said no. He got roundly booed for turning her down. They’re both actors BTW, no one actually got turned down. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/34 "2017-03-02T18:41:34Z")
Proposing in public, or even just in front of family and friends, is manipulative. It’s trying to utilize peer/public pressure to coerce the recipient into saying yes, for fear of looking bad by saying no. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/35 "2017-03-02T19:01:47Z")
I had a vague situation like this just last night, actually. At my military unit, I’m the kit shop manager, which essentially means I’m the guy handing out the buttons and pins and badges and junk for the dress uniforms (for which there was some demand as we’d had a parade). After the parade I’d dragged out most of my stock and set it up on a table in the mess and was issuing items to people who’d been picked up for various deficits in their uniforms, etc. Later still, a guy who was helping me move my stock back into storage asked “Oh, I forgot my beret, can you get that?” Me, still in a “helpful” mindset, automatically responded “Uh, okay, where did you leave it?” He then gave me a “Oh, I’m only kidding” comment. By this time had had already changed back into civilian clothes, but for all I knew, he’d brought his beret into the mess anyway for whatever reason and had forgotten it… the point being that it wasn’t immediately obvious to me that he was joking, so if he felt momentarily uncomfortable for me taking him seriously… good! _Jerk!_ I mean, seriously, if you’re going to improvise something… make it actually funny, dammit. Like that time a few years ago when I was given charge of a military van to transport a band and their instruments to a function. At the end of the evening, I led them to the parking lot and opened the back doors to led them load their gear, then waited until they were 75% done before saying with apparent surprise “Wait a minute, this isn’t my van.” I waited one delicious heartbeat while I could sense them all tensing up with annoyance (all the vans look alike, after all, it’s not an impossible mistake to make) before adding “Just kidding”, and we all had a good chuckle. ---
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/36 "2017-03-02T19:14:39Z")
“If you told me, you’d have to kill me, right? Hahaha!” 25 years…. “How about I DON’T tell you, but kill you anyway? Ha. Ha.” Sounds like K at the gym class I take. She is so friendly, takes such an interest in everyone, always has something nice to say to you. Yeah, and the rudest person I know. So friendly that she turns around in class and chatters constantly. She takes an interest in what you’re doing, but you notice there’s always someone else around to hear it, right? And she always turns it back to her, her kids, her adventures, and that little story can easily last 20 minutes or more. She never ever shuts the hell up. I don’t come to class to visit, I come to work. I don’t need a Gym Mommy telling me how great I’m doing, how hard I’m working. I didn’t ask for your critique. And I need to hear the instructor at the front of the class not your “Hey, Bee Gee, how are you doing? You have a nice weekend? I’ll bet you did. I went to see my son and his girlfriend and they took me to lunch and we went to the zoo with my grandson and he’s only three and aren’t they precious at that age? So then we left the zoo and he cried for his Grammy to stay there with him but I can’t impose on my son and his girlfriend it wouldn’t be right even though he says having me there all the time would be a blessing, but they wouldn’t really want me around all the time. Hahahha.” It’s a water class. I fantasize about an accidental “glub glub” at the end of that speech someday. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/37 "2017-03-02T19:19:38Z")
Incidentally, today’s [Cracked.com](http://Cracked.com) has an article titled (for now) [The 25 Most Secretly Unhelpful Things Nice People Do](http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_2393_25-well-intended-gestures-that-never-ever-help/) and some of them strike me as downright passive-aggressive, especially 23, 20, 19, 10 and 8. Additionally, 12 alludes to behaviour others have already commented in on this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/38 "2017-03-02T20:10:50Z")
Like the time in Atlanta, GA when some random street person picked a flower off the boulevard, gave it to me, then demanded that my husband give him money for it. ---
**Author:** ![Quimby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/22d042/32.png) [@Quimby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quimby)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/39 "2017-03-02T20:33:40Z")
> [@JcWoman](#): > > It’s veering into a tangent, but I hate the marriage proposal thing, even though men seem to think it’s de rigeur. The part that I especially hate is when they open the ring box and show the ring as they propose. The woman has no choice but to look at the ring shoved in her face, and if she wants/needs to decline him then it looks like she declined because of the ring. Like, “your token is too piddly, you loser” when it’s not about the ring at all, but it’s about their relationship. (Or the reverse, it looks like she accepted the proposal because the token was acceptable. It’s offensively material.) Last year I was at a Star Trek convention and at the TNG cast panel which probably had a couple thousand people in it, a guy went up to the mic as if to ask a question of the cast on stage and instead proposed to his girlfriend. The girl ran out crying. It happened so fast that Marina Sirtis (Troi) had run over to hug and congratulate them both but instead just had to look in horror at what had just happened. ---
**Author:** ![igor\_frankensteen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/839c29/32.png) [@igor\_frankensteen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/igor_frankensteen)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2017, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842/40 "2017-03-02T20:52:22Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > Incidentally, today’s [Cracked.com](http://Cracked.com) has an article titled (for now) [The 25 Most Secretly Unhelpful Things Nice People Do](http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_2393_25-well-intended-gestures-that-never-ever-help/) and some of them strike me as downright passive-aggressive, especially 23, 20, 19, 10 and 8. Additionally, 12 alludes to behaviour others have already commented in on this thread. Most of them are good, but a few are actually wrong, I think. 24 is a “politeness fashion” thing, I suppose. I am older, and I was raised that it was VERY rude to start eating AT A GROUP MEAL, while others were still being served. But everything had limits. If one person’s requirements are going to make their serving THAT late, then all bets are off. I drive all day, and for me, 22 isn’t a good one. The times where I wave the other person through, I’m not doing it because I’m trying to “be polite,” I’m doing it because they are blocking my way. It makes me nuts sometimes, when they continue to insist that I have the right of way, and on occasion I’ve had to get out of my car, and explain to them that I COULD NOT continue until they moved. THAT’S annoying. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-special-kind-of-jerk-people-who-are-aggressively-nice/780842.md?page=3)