# A Test of the Emergency Insult System **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 17, 2002, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515 "2002-05-17T07:53:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/1 "2002-05-17T07:53:28Z")
Goddamned mother fucking ass-sniffing turd burglers! Cunt-stealing cat-humping scrotum-stretching cork-sucker! Multiple-hyphenating shit-guzzlers! Bathtub-ring-licking obligatory goat-felching cockroach-loving intestinal seepage! Ostrich-molesting cheese mold! Smegma gobbler! Last-Ho-Ho-eating AOL-using hypocritical cancer of the rectum! SPAM-carving jello-jiggling vile ingester of liquidified kittens! Church-burning soulless licker of thine own anus! Arrogant fucker of innocent alpacas! Frothy discharge of an infected donkey’s love snake! Brown crunchy french fry in the happy meal of life! Nipple-removing physical lover of your own waste! Circus-peanut-eating remote-control-stealing spreader of vile ignorance! Shatner-like-actor of melodramatic TV miniseries! Work-related-instructional-video-producer! You smell of pungent and ripe cheeses of many nations! Car-door-slamming radio-blaring no-tipping sons and daughters of wretched capitalist pig-dogs! Communist pinko leftist tree hugger! Vegetable-raping privacy-invading Pauly Shore fan! Thou art the whore of Babylon! Telemarketing used-car-dealing snake-oil-peddling clump of matted pubic hair! Popmous boy-band-singing earwax-eating grower of silly mustaches! Knavish rapscallion! Thou indecent strumpet of ill-repute! Bad-hair-peice-wearing poor-spelling unholy cross between an Umpalumpa and a Wookie! [This has been a test of the Emergency Insult System. This was only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, the rant you just heard would have been directed against someone or something.] ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/2 "2002-05-17T09:51:51Z")
That was **beautiful** , man! Two things: 1. I think it’s spelled “Oompa Loompa”. 2. “Liquefied Kitten” = **band name!** 3. **Hi Opal!** ---
**Author:** ![Juniper200](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@Juniper200](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Juniper200)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/3 "2002-05-17T10:40:24Z")
Well, lock the Pit. We’re all done; there is no more to say. ---
**Author:** ![Grimace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3e96dc/32.png) [@Grimace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grimace)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/4 "2002-05-17T11:01:15Z")
Wow, that was a work of art, but I have to take a few marks off for the continuity of it. I feel, that it would be more (aesthetically) shocking if it would to build in schockingness as it neared the end, rather than holding the same tone all the way through. Still, for a general rant with no target, I’d have to give it a 8.5 just for the artsy effort! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/5 "2002-05-17T11:50:03Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by BlackKnight_ > Last-Ho-Ho-eating AOL-using hypocritical cancer of the rectum! Shatner-like-actor of melodramatic TV miniseries! Work-related-instructional-video-producer! BRAVO! BRAVO! These three insults are indeed inspired works of art. I stand in awe. ---
**Author:** ![FlyingDragonFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c89c15/32.png) [@FlyingDragonFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingDragonFan)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/6 "2002-05-17T12:56:20Z")
I was shocked to learn that he was an ostrich molester. I was dismayed when I found out he used AOL and liked circus peanuts. But when I found out he was a Pauly Shore fan, I had to call it off. Beautiful, **BlackKnight** , I think you’ve got just about everybody covered. ---
**Author:** ![Aleq](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@Aleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aleq)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/7 "2002-05-17T13:49:28Z")
Lovely… just lovely… would you care for a virtual sexual experience in exchange for the lift of spirits you just gave me? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/8 "2002-05-17T15:26:27Z")
I do **not** wear a bad hairpiece! Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Zanshin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e274bd/32.png) [@Zanshin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zanshin)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/9 "2002-05-17T15:37:59Z")
Who you calling scruffy-looking? ---
**Author:** ![Ferrous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Ferrous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferrous)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/10 "2002-05-17T16:36:49Z")
Bravo! Bravo! One question, though. How do you steal a cunt? ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/11 "2002-05-17T16:53:20Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by_ > **I feel, that it would be more (aesthetically) shocking if it would to build in schockingness as it neared the end, rather than holding the same tone all the way through.** I agree. The OP is only half as long as I originally planned; it was going to continue and build to a crescendo and end with some mega-ultra-wowza-insult (possibly involving comparison to Rosie O’Donnell). What happened was that I suddenly realized I had an essay due at 8 the next morning, so I had to cut things short. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Aleq \* > \*\*Lovely… just lovely… would you care for a virtual sexual experience in exchange for the lift of spirits you just gave me? > 😉 \*\* I think we can work out some sort of arrangement. 😃 > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Ferrous_ > **One question, though. How do you steal a cunt?** Same way you steal a base. Tie goes to the runner. ---
**Author:** ![Aleq](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@Aleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aleq)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/12 "2002-05-17T19:49:48Z")
😉 ---
**Author:** ![Bubba\_Ray](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bubba\_Ray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bubba_Ray)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2002, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/13 "2002-05-17T21:19:58Z")
I am humbled, really humbled that was a piece of art. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-test-of-the-emergency-insult-system/109515/14 "2002-05-18T06:44:35Z")
My goodness, that was beautiful, and quite funny, too. I was wondering if I could use them sometime on people in real life that bug me to no end. (like my sister, but she’ll probably run and tell Mommy I was being mean to her :rolleyes: ) Seriously though, that was absolutely **supreme**! 🙂