The faithful partner needs to simply assume that their partner abandoning a child for them is not an option, period. It would be unconscionable even to suggest it. There is nothing to talk about in that regard. Only the choice to leave or stay.
I’m not sure why you started with “but” when I was agreeing with you.
For some people, it would be an option and not unconscionable to suggest it at all.
And the only choice being to leave or stay would function as an ultimatum if there is any communication between the partners at all.
That’s for Alice to decide. The obligation exists as soon as Alice decides that it exists. Demanding that a woman give up her own child for adoption or else is not exactly a loving or caring thing to do.
I was clarifying that I didn’t think a big dramatic ultimatum was a good or acceptable thing, but in practical terms it would probably work out that way.
What people would this be? Who thinks it’s just dandy to be asked to abandon their child?
There’s nothing to talk about. Asking somebody to throw their kid away for you is not an ethical option. The only ethical thing to do is accept that the partner is going to be a parent to this child and make plans accordingly. The faithful partners have a right to make any decision they want for themselves, but they do not have any business even suggesting that anyone else cater their lives to them to such an extreme. The kid is a greater obligation to their partner than they are. They need to be adult enough to accept that or move on.
And it would probably end in separation anyway. Even if the cuckolded partner is successful in persuading the cheater to abandon a child the partner wanted to keep, that doesn’t mean the other partner is just going to forget all about and everything will be hunky-dory. That’s emotionally wrenching thing to expect somebody to do, and if it’s done unwillingly, it’s going to result in constant second guessing and guilt, and simmering resentment. It’s an emotionally alienating thing to ask a partner to do, not a loving or unifying thing and the relationship would be unlikely to sustain itself anyway.
Someone who would rather have their partner than a child.
This is my last response to you in this thread, just fyi.
Dio, are there any circumstances under which you are okay with Bob not being a part of his child’s life? What if, for instance, the woman he cheated with is okay with it for her own reasons?
Gotcha. I agree with what you’re saying. I’m just going to follow you around now and hold up a “me too” sign. 
Who thinks it’s OK to be forced to have to decide?
Why? Can’t you defend your own position?
No. Well, unless he’s abusive or something.
What she wants is irrelevant. His obligation is to the child, not to the woman. The woman has nothing to do with it.
So do you consider all adoption immoral? If someone is 14, single, poor and gives their child to a happy, affluent couple who have been vetted by the adoption agency and the state as suitable parents–that’s immoral?
Adoption was not part of the specific scenario I was asked about. This was a scenario where a father was being asked to remain the legal father yet never have any contact with the kid. If he is no longer the legal father, then he no longer has any obligation.
I’m not often on Dio’s side when it comes to the sex and relationship threads, but in this case, I am.
If a 14-year-old mother and her family do not want to keep the kid, and the (presumably) 14-year-old father and his family do, then the father’s rights trump the desire of the mother to put the child up for adoption.
Why do you elevate the child’s interests above all others?
If BOTH Alice and the lover want Bob to have nothing to do with the child, he should [del]ignore both their wishes[/del] elevate his judgment above both of theirs?
I can think of at least four reasons why the lover might not want Bob around. She could be married herself and trying to repair her own relationship with a partner who is willing to help her raise the child but who doesn’t want Bob around. She may not have known that Bob was married when they made the beast with two backs, and upon learning the truth have judged his one act to be make him inappropriate material. She may be of a different race or religion than Bob and, though she was willing to have a one-nighter with him, be unwilling to see him on a regular basis. She may feel entirely competent to raise a child on her own and, feeling guilty for abetting Bob’s infidelity, not wish to be a homewrecker when there is no need for it.
I wouldn’t be willing to not have a relationship with a child I had fathered. That said, how do you figure never having a relationship is the same as abandonment?
Regarding the OP:
I’ve been cheated on, and tried to make it work. If my ex managed to get knocked up in the course of the infidelity, it would never even cross my mind to request that she somehow get rid of the child. I’d probably leave, frankly.
There are certain reasonable conditions that a betrayed partner can place on the unfaithful one for purposes of reassurance and building trust, but asking that they abandon a child that they want to be involved with for the sake of their peace of mind reeks of punishment and emotional blackmail.
Too bad for her. Bob’s parental rights and obligations trump her feelings on the matter, subject to whatever custody and/or support arrangement they come to.
That’s not at all what I was saying. Dio seemed to be arguing that a parent had absolute responsibilities towards his/her child under any and all circumstances, and I think adoption by a capable and loving family is a legitimate way to discharge those responsibilities.