# A virginal MMP! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** mmp\ **Created:** [October 20, 2014, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902 "2014-10-20T07:02:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/101 "2014-10-22T17:22:16Z")
I’m sorry about your brother, **butters**. I lost my big brother fifteen years ago and still miss him. Good luck on your upcoming surgery **wetone**. Isn’t all of the prep fun? 😃 **{{{SahFamily}}}** I have most of my desk packed up for the move tomorrow. I’m not sure I’ll last the rest of the week working. I had a blood count done yesterday afternoon to determine if I’ll need a pint before surgery. All of this is wearing me out. ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/102 "2014-10-22T17:26:41Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Fake duck fact. > > Okay… Beats for real duck farts ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/103 "2014-10-22T17:37:44Z")
> [@missred](#): > > I have most of my desk packed up for the move tomorrow. I’m not sure I’ll last the rest of the week working. I had a blood count done yesterday afternoon to determine if I’ll need a pint before surgery. All of this is wearing me out. If it’s Moosehead, I’d hold out for several pints… ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/104 "2014-10-22T17:47:27Z")
> [@dogbutler](#): > > Beats for real duck farts Ah, yes. Yes, there is that. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/105 "2014-10-22T17:50:51Z")
{{{Sari and Family}}} I need a nap. I really do. I feel blurfy and tired and my tummy hurts and I just need a nap. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/106 "2014-10-22T17:54:53Z")
For those of you contemplating surgery, I suggest getting an advance directive. Here is mine: > [@me](#): > > I, \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. > > If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for any of the following items: > > • beer > • whiskey sour > • steak > • crab legs > • the TV remote control > • a classic rock radio station > • a net tablet/laptop PC and Internet access > • a bowl of ice cream > • an issue of Model Railroader magazine > • fellatio > • dark chocolate > > it should be presumed that I will never get better. When such a determination is made, I hereby direct my spouse, children, and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. This decision shall be made without regard to the question of whether or not I am pregnant. > > Under no circumstance shall my fate be entrusted to peckerwood judicial activist judges or Obamacare death panels who could not pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. > > Under no circumstance shall the members of the state Legislature or Congress enact special laws to keep me on life-support machinery. Those boneheads shall mind their own damned business, and instead pay attention to cutting taxes and butting out of the day-to-day lives and business of the millions of Americans who are not in a permanent coma. > > Under no circumstance shall any other politician stick their nose into my case. I do not care how many fundamentalist or bleeding heart votes they are trying to scrounge in their run for office in the next election. They shall go pound sand up their asses and leave me alone to die in peace. > > I do not care if one, a hundred, or several thousand religious zealots or attention whore social activists send e-mails to legislators pretending to care about me. I do not know these people, and I sure as Hell haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. The time of my death and the state of my immortal soul are matters solely between my God and myself, and they shall mind their own Goddamned business. > > If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell because they have been cut them out of my will. > \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Signature > \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Witness ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/107 "2014-10-22T17:56:37Z")
If a duck farts in the woods and no one hears or smells it, did it really happen? Remember how I said I didn’t think I had any flakes? Well, that was a big ol’ **WRONG!!!** Sigh. I had explained over the phone to the person I was meetin’ with this afternoon this was a position as a cook assistant. It involves stockin’ shelves, doin’ prepwork, and washin’ pots and pans in an industrial kitchen. Meals on Wheels are prepared there. It involves bein’ able to stand constantly, and lift anywhere from 30 to 50 pounds at times. He tells me he can handle all that. In he walks with a cane and pronounced limp. He tells me he had some major surgery on an artery in his left leg two weeks ago. He can do exactly NONE of those duties right now. Right now is the need. Give him a couple months he says and he can. That ain’t right now. Sigh. I am up to my neck in the stoopid as of late. Thus endeth the gripe. I shall now go snoop teh intartoobz for a little while to calm myself down. ---
**Author:** ![Sario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sario/32/18580_2.png) [@Sario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sario)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/108 "2014-10-22T18:09:25Z")
Hey mumpers, good to see ya’ll again! I hope everyone is doing well. ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/109 "2014-10-22T18:16:45Z")
> [@Sario](#): > > Hey mumpers, good to see ya’ll again! I hope everyone is doing well. Welcome back, stranger. : tacklehug : ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/110 "2014-10-22T18:23:38Z")
Here’s mine: > [@me](#): > > I, \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. > > If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for any of the following items: > > • coffee > • diet Mountain Dew > • steak > • crab legs > • my phone > • NPR > • a net tablet/laptop PC and Internet access > • a bowl of ice cream > • an issue of Mental\_Floss or QST > • a cat > • dark chocolate > > it should be presumed that I will never get better. When such a determination is made, I hereby direct my spouse, children, and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. This decision shall be made without regard to the question of whether or not I am pregnant. > > Under no circumstance shall my fate be entrusted to peckerwood judicial activist judges or [del]Obamacare death panels[/del] certain Republican congressmen, past or present, who think they can diagnose a person’s brain function from looking at an edited videotape. > > Under no circumstance shall the members of the state Legislature or Congress enact special laws to keep me on life-support machinery. Those boneheads shall mind their own damned business, and instead pay attention to cutting taxes and butting out of the day-to-day lives and business of the millions of Americans who are not in a permanent coma. > > Under no circumstance shall any other politician stick their nose into my case. I do not care how many fundamentalist or bleeding heart votes they are trying to scrounge in their run for office in the next election. They shall go pound sand up their asses and leave me alone to die in peace. > > I do not care if one, a hundred, or several thousand religious zealots or attention whore social activists send e-mails to legislators pretending to care about me. I do not know these people, and I sure as Hell haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. The time of my death and the state of my immortal soul are my own business, and they shall mind their own Goddamned business. > If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell because they have been cut them out of my will. > \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Signature > \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Witness So there! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/111 "2014-10-22T18:29:49Z")
> [@VunderBob](#): > > For those of you contemplating surgery, I suggest getting an advance directive. Here is mine: > > [QUOTE=Bobbio] > Originally Posted by me > I, \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ (fill in the blank), **being of sound mind and body** ,… [/QUOTE] **Bobbio** , that document is not enforceable, seeing how it fails for _two_ counts in the very first line. 😛 **Swampy** , can’t blame a guy for a positive attitude. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/112 "2014-10-22T18:32:23Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#): > > Here’s mine: > > So there! 😛 Pretty durned close, and I may steal from yours to add to mine. I’d like to tweak as many noses on my way out as I can… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/113 "2014-10-22T18:35:39Z")
Here is mine: To Whom It May Concern, If you touch that damn plug, you will draw back a bloody nub. Thank you, Carnivorousplant. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/114 "2014-10-22T18:52:51Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Here is mine: > > To Whom It May Concern, > > If you touch that damn plug, you will draw back a bloody nub. > > Thank you, > > Carnivorousplant. “Hey, **Bobbio** , do you know where the breaker is for this room?” :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/115 "2014-10-22T18:56:30Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > “Hey, **Bobbio** , do you know where the breaker is for this room?” :dubious: Basement, right side, Panel #2, switch #23. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/116 "2014-10-22T18:58:58Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > “Hey, **Bobbio** , do you know where the breaker is for this room?” :dubious: It is in the can of Sri-Lankan spiders with dissecting scalpels. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/117 "2014-10-22T19:06:16Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > It is in the can of Sri-Lankan spiders with dissecting scalpels. They not only won’t bother me, they’ll actually help; professional courtesy. > [@Spiderman](#): > > “Hey, **Bobbio** , do you know where the breaker is for this room?” :dubious: Thanks, **doggio**!!! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/118 "2014-10-22T19:07:52Z")
I wonder how they configure UPS for those in hospitals. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/119 "2014-10-22T19:19:23Z")
I talked with OYKW a few minutes ago. He wants to go to one of the good local [del]hog troughs[/del] buffets for dindin. He’s buyin’ so works fo me! We’re actually goin’ early as he has a meetin’ to go to this evenin’, poor thing. Early is good for me cause I’m gettin’ hongry. > [@carnivorousplant](#): > > I wonder how they configure UPS for those in hospitals. Around here the trucks just pull up to the door and deliver packages. 😛 **Rio** howdy! Come back and play! ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2014, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902/120 "2014-10-22T19:21:03Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > I wonder how they configure UPS for those in hospitals. I believe they deliver to the front desk & then a volunteer runs it up to your room, just like FedEx. :rolleyes: \*automatic transfer & a very quick on time, 10 seconds or less [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-virginal-mmp/701902.md?page=7)