# A Wedding Etiquette Question
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [April 3, 2003, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324 "2003-04-03T23:46:45Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [April 3, 2003, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/1 "2003-04-03T23:46:45Z")
I received a wedding announcement/invitation to a reception from a friend yesterday. By way of background, this is one of my gay friends who met someone in The Netherlands, moved there and now they are going to be married there in May. I am, of course, extremely happy for him. I don’t know his partner but if he’s good enough for Warren, then he must be ok. It would be wonderful if I could get there to join in the festivities, however, that won’t be happening. There’s this little matter of renewing the old passport added with the fact that I don’t particularly like flying, with a dash of not being real sure that I want to travel far away given the fact that the US is currently engaged in a war.
Anyway, my question concerns a statement made in the invitation. It says, _“We have everything we need, therefore envelopes are Requested in lieu of gifts.”_ I have no idea what this means. Are they hoping friends around the world will send congratulations by mail? Are they asking for money? Are they desperate for stationery? Do they want me to mail **lieu** to them in a big ol’ envelope?
What I quoted was an Englist translation of the invitation that was included in the invite. The invitation itself is written in Dutch.
According to the invitation, the Dutch wording for the statement is: _“Spullen hebben wij volop, daarom graag een envelop.”_
I am going to send them a letter congratulating them on their wedding, wishing them the best and all that stuff. Do I need to do more? Where is **Miss Manners** when I really need her?
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### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [April 3, 2003, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/2 "2003-04-03T23:48:52Z")
And of course I can’t spell Englis **h** so how am I ever going to know what to do? :smack:
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### Author:  [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)
#### Post date: [April 3, 2003, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/3 "2003-04-03T23:53:30Z")
What they are doing is asking for money. As I recall, Miss Manners says it is rude to even suggest in an invitation that you are expecting a gift of any kind, let alone to suggest what kind it should be. A hand-written note expressing your congratulations, wishing them joy, etc., but declining their kind invitation to the wedding is all that is required.
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### Author:  [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)
#### Post date: [April 3, 2003, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/4 "2003-04-03T23:53:33Z")
Send them a stationery set. _That’ll_ teach them to be coy. 😉
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### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/5 "2003-04-04T00:00:12Z")
**jr8** I think sending em **lieu** with a really bad case of the runs would teach em even better. 😉
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### Author:  [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/6 "2003-04-04T05:51:27Z")
Send them the link to [etiquettehell.com](http://etiquettehell.com) (which I’m reading right now!) and send them a copy of Emily Post.
Tacky, tacky, TACKY!!!
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### Author:  [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/7 "2003-04-04T06:00:23Z")
I have to agree that it was _tres_ tacky. Send 'em a congratulatory card in a lovely envelope with another envelope inside. 😃
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### Author:  [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/8 "2003-04-04T06:09:44Z")
I’d wrap a box of Walmart envelopes in beautiful paper and ribbons.
:rolleyes:
Very tacky, I’m sorry to say.
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### Author:  [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/9 "2003-04-04T06:11:07Z")
Sorry, Mr. Rolleyes was supposed to go with the tacky part. I really would wrap up a box of inexpensive envelopes in the most beautiful wrapping paper I could find.
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### Author:  [@ShadiRoxan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadiRoxan)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/10 "2003-04-04T06:36:26Z")
whether or not it’s tacky, he’s your friend. send him whatever you would like. of course sending money internationally can be a pain in the ass. i’m sure he understands this. i don’t think he really expects much more than a congratulations on your part. if you want to send him anything else, go for it.
i’ve spent much time reading through the pages of etiquettehell. love that site. the stories that cracked me up the most were the people who were condemning themselves as they tried to condemn others.
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### Author:  [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/11 "2003-04-04T08:58:40Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by swampbear \*
> \*\ ***jr8** I think sending em **lieu** with a really bad case of the runs would teach em even better. 😉 \*\*
You’d have the runs too if someone stuffed an envelope in you. (Well, it _did_ say “send envelopes in **lieu** …”)
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### Author:  [@SouthernSky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernSky)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/12 "2003-04-04T13:00:24Z")
If they already “have all they need”, then they don’t need money, do they?
Yes, their request goes to the bottom of the ettiquette dungheap. Please do your part in NOT indulging and perpetuating this bad “custom”.
A “gift” is unsolicited. If you like either of them and truly wish them well, either get a small gift or simply a well thought out card.
People who demand (DEMAND!) gifts are crass - people who demand SPECIFIC gifts go beyond crass.
Yours truly,
Miss Manners’ Uppity Parallel Universe Equal
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### Author:  [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/13 "2003-04-04T13:41:48Z")
Oh dear. And the blatant solicitation for cash was written ON the invitation? Nothing like begging karma to come kick you in the ass.
Okay, tackiness aside, I would send whatever I would have sent had they simply sent an invitation without directing what gift they’d prefer.
From your OP it seems Warren is not THAT close of a friend. You didn’t know prior to receiving the invitation that he was getting married, for instance. And you don’t feel a compelling reason to witness the event firsthand. That leads me to believe he’s a casual friend.
Given that, it’s perfectly appropriate to send a lovely card and be done with it. At most I’d send a small gift card to a .com retailer or something like that.
Don’t hold your breath for a thank-you note. 🙂
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### Author:  [@manwithaplan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manwithaplan)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/14 "2003-04-04T14:12:32Z")
As other posters have said, they are asking for money instead of a gift. Usually though, a gift is only expected if you attend the wedding. In view of that, I reckon a note will suffice.
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### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/15 "2003-04-04T14:15:13Z")
**Guinastasia** thanks for the link to [etiquettehell.com](http://etiquettehell.com). I have laughed my ass off and been horrified at the same time. This shall entertain me for days to come.
> [@](#):
>
> _Originally Posted by SouthernSky:_
> Miss Manners’ Uppity Parallel Universe Equal
I sincerely hope you are adopting this as your sig line **SouthernSky** It is way too good to let go.
To everyone else, thanks for the advise. This is the first time I have received an announcement/invitation with an actual money beg included. I was hoping it wasn’t that. Silly ol’ naive me! 😉
I will send a nice little congratulatory note to them wishing them all the happiness they can possibly stand. I am very tempted to send the link to [etiquettehell.com](http://etiquettehell.com), but I won’t. That would just be bitchy. Then again I am a gay man and we are at times prone to bitchiness. Oh my, such a dilemma! 😃
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### Author:  [@Snowcarpet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowcarpet)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/16 "2003-04-04T15:18:39Z")
swampbear, I know of a sure way to make your point :
Send a really horribly tacky gift. I’m thinking a set of those stupid potholders dressed as the wedding party (you’d have to get two grooms, though.) Or maybe a nice 1970’s mustard and olive colored chip-and-dip-set. Or a set of gaudily decorated his-and-his bath towels (with lace and little hearts.) The tackier, the better! Ask other wedded folks what was the tackiest gift they ever received, I’m sure they will have some ideas!
\*\*note that I am not advocating actually doing this! Send a card and ignore the fact that your friend has just failed etiquette 101. But have fun thinking of the look on your friend’s face when he opens up the box and finds - the world’s ugliest vase and a packet of those corn-on-the-cob holders??!!
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### Author:  [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/17 "2003-04-04T16:02:29Z")
Are we _certain_ that’s what’s going on? I hope I’m not being out of line here, but perhaps you might alert our own **Coldfire** to this thread and find out for certain. Although I’m probably wrong (unfortunately), I’m holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, the envelope might be for another purpose.
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### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/18 "2003-04-04T16:09:27Z")
**OxyMoron** I was holding on to that same hope. It’s looking kinda bleak though.
> [@](#):
>
> _Originally Posted by Alyssa:_
> Send a really horribly tacky gift. I’m thinking a set of those stupid potholders dressed as the wedding party (you’d have to get two grooms, though.) Or maybe a nice 1970’s mustard and olive colored chip-and-dip-set. Or a set of gaudily decorated his-and-his bath towels (with lace and little hearts.) The tackier, the better! Ask other wedded folks what was the tackiest gift they ever received, I’m sure they will have some ideas!
>
> \*\*note that I am not advocating actually doing this! Send a card and ignore the fact that your friend has just failed etiquette 101. But have fun thinking of the look on your friend’s face when he opens up the box and finds - the world’s ugliest vase and a packet of those corn-on-the-cob holders??!!
See, I would, only, I can’t bear to part with any of them. They’re all so precious!
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### Author:  [@SouthernSky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernSky)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/19 "2003-04-04T17:14:42Z")
Sometimes a really tacky wedding present can be the most memorable. My all-time favorite was a 20 lb. black gorilla-shaped candle given by an old friend with the same sick sense of humor as mine. I loved it more than anything else.
If they are willing to defy graciousness and class, just take the high road and give them a proper card. They won’t make a fuss, but if they do, then you will have saved $$ and time.
Aren’t you glad you posted this issue? I think you’ve been given permission to be free of the trappings that some weddings incur.
Incidentally, “bitchy” = “uppity”. “Uppity” knows no gender.
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### Author:  [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)
#### Post date: [April 4, 2003, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-wedding-etiquette-question/166324/20 "2003-04-04T18:06:32Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by OxyMoron \*
> \*\*Are we _certain_ that’s what’s going on? I hope I’m not being out of line here, but perhaps you might alert our own **Coldfire** to this thread and find out for certain. Although I’m probably wrong (unfortunately), I’m holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, the envelope might be for another purpose. \*\*
Yeah, I’d like to hear from one of the Dutch Dopers as well. Even if the envelope _is_ for money, it could be perfectly standard wedding-gift etiquette in the Netherlands, so I wouldn’t be in a hurry to label it as “tacky.” (The American partner should, of course, have pointed out that this wouldn’t go over well in _his_ culture, but given the rather confusing English translation on the invitation, he may not have caught it.)
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