# Adopted children
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [February 15, 2011, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510 "2011-02-15T23:08:28Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/41 "2011-02-18T02:26:33Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#):
>
> Also, does it make me a bad person that I don’t think I could love a child who eats its own shit?
It wasn’t a child who did that, it was a baby.
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### Author:  [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/42 "2011-02-18T02:45:41Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#):
>
> …I’m reminded a bit of those ‘safe haven’ spots set up for people to drop off unwanted children, mostly at hospitals (I think the idea was for newborns but a few teenagers got dropped off). I’m torn on the issue, so I guess adoption regret fits there, somewhere…
[Nebraska](http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-09-25-Left-kids_N.htm). Unlike most safe-haven laws the original bill didn’t specifiy an upper age limit. Most of the kids (up to 17 yrs) were the _biological_ offspring of the partents who dropped them off.
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### Author:  [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/43 "2011-02-18T03:25:46Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#):
>
> Where does it say that in the article?
On page five of the comments:
> [@](#):
>
> [Terminating an Adoption - The New York Times](http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/26/terminating-an-adoption/?apage=5#comments)
>
> Dear Anita,
> What you said you hoped people would glean from your personal life story is not something parents will not know already. Parenting is an awesome responsibility and the hardest job in the world. Sometimes we fail at it, but thank God there’s a new day to start over to be a better parent than we were the day before.
>
> I am so angered by what you did that I have no words. If, as you say, you only had 3 daughters before D arrived, why did you think adding 2 more to the brood would be OK with D in the house, given his special needs? It seems you made a series of bad judgments that have led to such an awful outcome for your family. D may be in a better place, but what about the damage and aftermath that you and your family must live through?
>
> I hope that your fantasies of adoption are now over and you focus on fixing what’s been done to your family by your hands.
>
> **From Lisa Belkin: Umm, Jenny, sometimes birth control fails** …
> [@Sarahfeena](#):
>
> It wasn’t a child who did that, it was a baby.
A baby she agreed to take responsibility for and did not. Babies are messy and frankly sometimes quite gross. My daughter had some serious diarrhea when she about ten months old. Not exactly the best few days of my life. That poor baby got rejected twice. She really goes out of her way to make him sound utterly repulsive. The truth is that she did an amoral thing and tried to make herself look good in doing so. At the very least she should have kept this private. I feel sorry if the poor kid if he ever finds out what she did to him.
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### Author:  [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/44 "2011-02-18T04:02:43Z")
If the adopted child had turned out to be fine, but one of her daughters was difficult to raise, would she have considered, even for a split second, putting that daughter up for adoption?
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### Author:  [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/45 "2011-02-18T04:35:36Z")
> [@LavenderBlue](#):
>
> On page five of the comments:
>
> A baby she agreed to take responsibility for and did not. Babies are messy and frankly sometimes quite gross. My daughter had some serious diarrhea when she about ten months old. Not exactly the best few days of my life. That poor baby got rejected twice. She really goes out of her way to make him sound utterly repulsive. The truth is that she did an amoral thing and tried to make herself look good in doing so. At the very least she should have kept this private. I feel sorry if the poor kid if he ever finds out what she did to him.
Yes, a lot of babies go through the poop-smearing stage. Thank god people don’t stop loving their kids over it…the world would be in big trouble.
The thing that makes me shudder over that piece she wrote is that she never says anything positive about him…he’s just a shit-smearing animal that her daughters don’t even care enough about to say goodbye to. Her disconnect is creepy, and has a lot more to say about her than it does about him.
She actually went and had those two additional babies _during the two years she was also the mother to this little boy_. That in itself was a terrible thing to do to him…no wonder she couldn’t bond with him and care for his special needs, she had other infants in the house! Despicable.
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### Author:  [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/46 "2011-02-18T04:47:44Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#):
>
> Yes, a lot of babies go through the poop-smearing stage. Thank god people don’t stop loving their kids over it…the world would be in big trouble.
>
> The thing that makes me shudder over that piece she wrote is that she never says anything positive about him…he’s just a shit-smearing animal that her daughters don’t even care enough about to say goodbye to. Her disconnect is creepy, and has a lot more to say about her than it does about him.
>
> She actually went and had those two additional babies _during the two years she was also the mother to this little boy_. That in itself was a terrible thing to do to him…no wonder she couldn’t bond with him and care for his special needs, she had other infants in the house! Despicable.
Yes. My daughter did that once in while when she was very small. They’re babies and they don’t know what they’re doing. You clean it off, give them a bath and sit back and enjoy how cute they are when they’re not covered in poop.
She just makes me so mad. You don’t do the things she did. You don’t adopt a special needs baby and then go out and have TWO other babies while you’re trying to meet this poor new baby’s needs. She was repulsively irresponsible. Why she choose to publicize her awful choices still remains a mystery to me.
I hope the person never finds what she did to him or what she wrote about him afterwards.
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### Author:  [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/47 "2011-02-18T04:53:18Z")
The story reads a bit funny and doesnt sit well with me.
But she wouldn’t be the first or last person to find out being the knight on a white charger isnt as easy as it sounds. If it had worked she’d have been the caring person who brought up 6 children. But it didnt. Maybe it could have if they’d all tried harder, but we dont know that from the information we have.
The child is in a better family for their needs, the other family is doing better, so it reads to me as a better outcome than some of the alternatives. The fact those alternatives might not be considered/possible if the child had been biologically theirs doesn’t change that in my view.
Otara
Edit: OK good point about the two children during the placement. Thats just wierd.
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### Author:  [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/48 "2011-02-18T07:02:50Z")
> [@Otara](#):
>
> Edit: OK good point about the two children during the placement. Thats just wierd.
Especially since she only had the boy for 18 months.
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### Author:  [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/49 "2011-02-18T07:12:28Z")
> [@chaika](#):
>
> I have a colleague who adopted two children (siblings). After they had lived with her for a few months, she decided that the older child was too difficult for her to handle, so she sent the child back, while keeping the younger one. I find this choice utterly appalling and indefensible. Not only did she completely fail in her commitment to both children, she also reinforced the same message that the older child had learned through countless rejections in the past: that no one can be relied on, that no one loves her enough to create a decent family for her, that she is unlovable and unwanted. And my colleague also removed the only person who had been a constant presence in the child’s life: her younger sibling. So this little girl, who was only 6 years old, went back into the system even more damaged and suffering considerably more pain than before she was adopted. My heart just aches for her.
:mad::mad::mad:
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### Author:  [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/50 "2011-02-18T08:45:22Z")
I am adopted myself, back in the 70s. Was given to mum n dad when I was only a few days old.
Apparently I had some quite terrible behavioural problems for the first 18 months or so - basically I did not sleep, ever, at all.
If its just a case of “this is harder than I thought” or “we are not bonding” then no, cannot give back.
On the other hand, if there are serious issues that were not revealed prior / earlier in the adoption process then I am a little more ambivalent - it’s only right that in such an arrangement the parents should know what they are getting themselves into.
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### Author:  [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/51 "2011-02-18T09:17:01Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#):
>
> Also, does it make me a bad person that I don’t think I could love a child who eats its own shit?
Damn, but I’m so glad that the parents of these three friends I had when I was little didn’t have that problem. The were my age, one year older and another year older; the second and third (that is, the one my age and the one right above) did that for a while when we were about 3yo but eventually grew out of it; I remember the middle sister trying to get me to do it and me not going yeeew because I knew what would happen if I opened my mouth. Knowing her, she probably did it as a way to control us youngests and freak grownups out - knowing her parents, those two wouldn’t have freaked out for anything less than gushing blood.
**chaika** , that story is horrible! How nasty for both siblings.
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### Author:  [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/52 "2011-02-18T12:49:16Z")
> [@bengangmo](#):
>
> I am adopted myself, back in the 70s. Was given to mum n dad when I was only a few days old.
>
> Apparently I had some quite terrible behavioural problems for the first 18 months or so - basically I did not sleep, ever, at all.
>
> If its just a case of “this is harder than I thought” or “we are not bonding” then no, cannot give back.
>
> On the other hand, if there are serious issues that were not revealed prior / earlier in the adoption process then I am a little more ambivalent - it’s only right that in such an arrangement the parents should know what they are getting themselves into.
That’s where I am as well. There was a woman in Chicago who adopted and then severed parental rights on a boy. She had several other children in the house, foster kids and adopted kids - and no one told her the boy was a sexual predator. He started abusing the other kids in the home.
I’m not sure what choices she had, and the paper trail seems clear - CPS lied to her during the placement about the extent of this boy’s issues and he shouldn’t have been placed in a home with other children. I’m not sure if I can find a cite.
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### Author:  [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/53 "2011-02-18T14:36:19Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#):
>
> That’s where I am as well. There was a woman in Chicago who adopted and then severed parental rights on a boy. She had several other children in the house, foster kids and adopted kids - and no one told her the boy was a sexual predator. He started abusing the other kids in the home.
>
> I’m not sure what choices she had, and the paper trail seems clear - CPS lied to her during the placement about the extent of this boy’s issues and he shouldn’t have been placed in a home with other children. I’m not sure if I can find a cite.
I think that’s a very different situation from the others that have been raised. What to do with children who are have been so badly hurt that they can’t bond and are a threat to their adoptive parents and/or siblings is a difficult question. Keeping them in the system isn’t going to help, but neither is putting them in an adoptive family, if they’re unable to form emotional bonds. Residential therapy programs might do some good, but are too expensive for many families, and CPS doesn’t have nearly the budget to cover the cost for every kid who needs it.
And now, a personal anecdote: My fiancé was adopted, and he and I have talked a lot about adopting kids ourselves if we’re unable to conceive naturally. I’d actually kind of like to have one bio-kid and adopt another, but he is dead-set against that, and also feels strongly that any child we adopt should be of the same race we are. He’s always felt somewhat disconnected from his parents; his personality is very different from theirs, and he suspects that they didn’t love him as much as they would have if he were their biological child. Because of his experience, he wants to minimize the factors that could cause a similar disconnect in our family, should we choose to adopt.
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### Author:  [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/54 "2011-02-18T15:54:03Z")
> [@LavenderBlue](#):
>
> On page five of the comments:
That’s a commenter–when did the actual article writer say it?
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### Author:  [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/55 "2011-02-18T16:43:09Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#):
>
> That’s a commenter–when did the actual article writer say it?
Note the bolded part where the author of the blog, Lisa Belkin, confirmed it. Tedaldi’s actions are not under dispute here. She admits to being pregnant when adopting. She then adopted a special needs baby and got pregnant AGAIN and gave birth while caring for said special needs baby. Overwhelmed by her poor reproductive choices she kept the special needs adopted baby for eighteen months and later gave him up further adding to the instability in his life. She then wrote an article in which she tries to pretend the baby is the disgusting one in this scenario.
We’re supposed to be disgusted with the baby and admire her selfless actions. Ugh.
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### Author:  [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/56 "2011-02-18T19:48:08Z")
> [@chaika](#):
>
> I have a colleague who adopted two children (siblings). After they had lived with her for a few months, she decided that the older child was too difficult for her to handle, so she sent the child back, while keeping the younger one. I find this choice utterly appalling and indefensible. Not only did she completely fail in her commitment to both children, she also reinforced the same message that the older child had learned through countless rejections in the past: that no one can be relied on, that no one loves her enough to create a decent family for her, that she is unlovable and unwanted. And my colleague also removed the only person who had been a constant presence in the child’s life: her younger sibling. So this little girl, who was only 6 years old, went back into the system even more damaged and suffering considerably more pain than before she was adopted. My heart just aches for her.
We adopted a biological brother and sister and this makes me so angry. The children were put up for placement together because they were the only constant in each other’s lives to that point and it would have been devastating (more for our son, the younger one) for them to continue without each other. We, too, have had difficulty attaching to our daughter. She didn’t trust us and I don’t blame her. We went for (and actually have more coming up) counselling to help us get through it. There are still times when she doesn’t trust us and it does lead to bad behaviours but now we know how to deal with it and it blows over.
Now, if we had to take it all back, we would have realized that 2 new children at once is \>\> 2\*one at at time and we might have done things differently.
But once they were here, they were staying. Warts and all! (In fact, some of the warts are the parts I love the most about them now.)
Also, if we tried to give either of them back, they would have both gone. I would think any competent social worker would do the same (unless the child was completely unplaceable which few 6 year olds are). I can say a lot of bad things about our social worker’s actions during our process but he would never have separated the two of them.
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### Author:  [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/57 "2011-02-18T22:15:14Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#):
>
> Let’s see:
>
> a) If the other family member doesn’t step in, the couple that originally adopted is in debt for $20K over the adoption, AND the adoption’s working out terribly for them, messing up their lives.
>
> b) Since that family member DID step in, only the first thing is true anymore. If anything, the couple owes that family member.
I agree w/ both of these things completely. Expensive lessons are the only ones that seem to touch this woman and I hope as they continue to pay down this debt they mature and have some self-realization.
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### Author:  [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)
#### Post date: [February 18, 2011, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/58 "2011-02-18T22:27:15Z")
A Canadian couple [adopted a young Romanian girl, then dumped her for an infant and sent her back to Romania](http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1344904/posts). This botched adoption resulted in the girl, Alexandra Austin, being rendered stateless; she is considered to be neither a Romanian or a Canadian citizen, was deprived of education, and her own biological mother had no parental rights to her.
The adoptive parents sound like the kind of tools who would dump a puppy on the side of the road when its not little and cute anymore, then go to the pet store and get a new one.
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### Author:  [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)
#### Post date: [February 19, 2011, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/59 "2011-02-19T01:36:07Z")
How could they send her back to Romania if she was no longer counted a Romanian? Why would a Canadian-by-adoption child be treated differently by Canada than a Canadian-by-birth child?
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### Author:  [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)
#### Post date: [February 19, 2011, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adopted-children/571510/60 "2011-02-19T01:39:00Z")
> [@spark240](#):
>
> How could they send her back to Romania if she was no longer counted a Romanian?
The adoptive mom stuck her on a plane alone, at age 9, but the Romanian government said she’d been adopted out and she’d been accepted as a Canadian immigrant, so she wasn’t a Romanian any longer.
Canada apparently said ‘you aren’t a citizen, you were just an immigrant at one point and you have no parents here.’
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