# Adoption question: Open adoptions **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 10, 2015, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adoption-question-open-adoptions/712288 "2015-02-10T10:16:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2015, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adoption-question-open-adoptions/712288/1 "2015-02-10T10:16:51Z")
My neighbors have an adopted daughter where the child sees the birthmother on a regular schedule. Is this common? How does this usually go? I’ve heard some horror stories like how the adoptive parents end up giving the bio parent money because they dont want their kid to see their parent homeless. Another is they dont want anyone giving second opinions on their role as parents. What do you all think or have experienced? ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2015, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adoption-question-open-adoptions/712288/2 "2015-02-10T15:30:04Z")
We went through foster/adoption classes with our local DFPS before we decided to go the overseas route. They encouraged open adoptions, including visitation with the birth parents. One reason given was that it keeps Cinderella fantasies to a minimum. As in, an adopted child in later life may go through a stage of, “I bet my _real_ parents would let me have a pony, and my own room in a huge mansion, and wouldn’t make me brush my teeth, and…” Hard to keep up those fantasies when you know that your “real” parents are a high school dropout and her gas-pumper boyfriend. More like, “Damn, I’m glad I got away from _that_.” ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2015, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adoption-question-open-adoptions/712288/3 "2015-02-10T15:52:30Z")
Most of the open adoptions I’ve been familiar with are situations that worked out pretty well. The birth mother/parents were not in a situation where they could raise a child, or at least not well, the kid was well cared for, and, as you said, a distinct lack of Cinderella fantasies. From such adoptees that I’ve known, the general consensus seems to be “my mom loved me enough to make sure I had a good childhood even while she was going through all sorts of horrible things”. But maybe that’s because I mostly hang around functional people. Like any human relationship, some of them are good, some are bad, a few are nightmares. ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2015, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adoption-question-open-adoptions/712288/4 "2015-02-10T16:01:47Z")
Open adoption is encouraged, as **Max** says. My 4 year old son is adopted, and the adoption is technically open, but his birthparents have not asked for any interaction so I’ve had no experiences either positive or negative with it. I think it’s the right thing to do, just because an adoption is open doesn’t mean the adoptive parents are prevented from setting limits on the interaction. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2015, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adoption-question-open-adoptions/712288/5 "2015-02-10T16:31:40Z")
My cousin (birth mother) had an open adoption. Eventually, the adoptive parents limited the contact and then cut it to zero, for excellent reasons, but I think it was good overall, and I think there was still contact with extended bio-family (grandparents in another state). ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2015, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adoption-question-open-adoptions/712288/6 "2015-02-10T18:05:44Z")
There are all kinds of open adoptions, ranging from virtual co-parenting to occasional contact. In our case, my son’s bio-Mom has never tried to be art of our lives, but has stayed in contact by mail. We send her photos and updates periodically, so she knows he’s alive, well and thriving. I know other couples who have joint events with their children’s bio families, even shared holidays. How well does that work? Sometimes wonderfully, occasionally horribly, sometimes a little uncomfortably… like anything else in life. It’s not much different from acquiring a new set of in-laws.