# Adult kid and her family are living with us ... arg! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 24, 2023, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062 "2023-06-24T21:26:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2023, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/101 "2023-07-16T20:20:20Z")
Helping the kids to develop a routine in their lives will make a world of difference for their futures. - Assign each person a laundry day, and teach the kids how to get theirs done. - Give a rolling assignment of dish week, and work with whoever’s week it is to make sure they load correctly and keep up with it. - vacuuming is another weekly assignment. Any belongings in the way go on to the owner’s bed. - kids can cook as well. One weekly job should be sous chef, helping you measure and clean and peel and chop etc. - Designate a clean-up time (Sat. am works for most people, but it can be Thurs, evening too) when everyone should be straightening up and vacuuming, etc. I’d imagine that in your circumstances, there isn’t “a place for everything” right now. Folks without a dresser will tend to have heaps of clothes around. Try to get each one a large storage box for there clean things, and a hamper or bag for dirty clothes. Make sure they have enough shirts/pants/undies to get through to a weekly laundry day. That will eliminate the “could wear again” pile. And try not to judge other peoples choice of escape. If daughter is playing video games just an hour or so per night, that’s reasonable. Try ro view it just as if she were reading. If she gets lost in them for too long then start asking for her help with specific tasks, or point out what the children need from her. I am rooting for you! Hang in there, and bless you for helping out in their time of need. There will have to be a lot of that as we get through the climate changes. ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2023, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/102 "2023-07-16T23:35:35Z")
It does not save YOU more personally, but it does cost less in the aggregate, which was the point. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2023, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/103 "2023-07-16T23:44:11Z")
The total amount of resources used by the number of people would be equal in two homes. Of course you have more hands to work, if they will work. That’s clearly not happening here. If there’s not a pool of money every one contributes to, who’s paying the bills? ---
**Author:** ![Sylvanz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Sylvanz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylvanz)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/104 "2023-07-17T02:07:21Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > And try not to judge other peoples choice of escape. If daughter is playing video games just an hour or so per night, that’s reasonable. If they are in the house they are gaming or sleeping. That is virtually the sum total of their existence. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/105 "2023-07-17T07:48:47Z")
OK, then that’s unhealthy avoidance. Try to coax them out with positive messages. Requests for help followed by sincere appreciation. Small areas of responsibility that they can take ownership of without suggestions or interference. Look for ways to give them a “win” in the real world. Catch them doing something right and offer gentle praise. If they are “noping out” it’s because they feel they cannot win. I’m not blaming you - life did this, as it has to so many in their circumstances. But own your power to make people feel good when they try, and they may begin to move forward. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/106 "2023-07-17T09:21:47Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > If daughter is playing video games just an hour or so per night, that’s reasonable. In this situation I disagree. That hour could have been spent cleaning. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/107 "2023-07-17T10:54:45Z")
I do understand your point. But people at this low a point in their lives need some source of dopamine or they’ll become dangerous - whether to themsrlves or others. The trick is to ease them into getting it from a sense of accomplishment. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/108 "2023-07-17T14:33:46Z")
@TruCelt Folks who need the dopamine that gaming provides cannot play for only an hour. That would be like giving an alcoholic a shot glass of beer. That’s why I made the suggestion of just standing next to the gamer. Even if you say nothing, you are a distraction, and even the most devout gamer cannot completely ignore a distraction. It ruins the little squirt of dopamine. Chores first, games after. ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/109 "2023-07-17T16:15:38Z")
Gentle praise for towel folding won’t offer enough good feelies if they are truly gaming to feel better. Game system maybe needs to be gone. Sometimes you have to be brutal. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/110 "2023-07-17T16:39:50Z")
Anything that creates a competitive or conflictual vibe just adds to the dopamine thrill of trying to beat you. I’m with Beck on this one. If they own the gaming system, turn off the router. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/111 "2023-07-17T16:43:20Z")
I think you could find a handyman to help with the bathroom if your able bodied adult men can’t be bothered to help with the power tools. You sound self sufficient but jeez you hve some lazy ass dudes under your roof. Anyway is your husband 60 or older? You county commission on ageing may have volunteer resources to help complete your bathroom project. They also have support groups for Parkinson sufferers and someone may hve a lead to help your project along. If you get that done and out of the way it’ll be a big accomplishment to spur you on. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/112 "2023-07-17T16:45:33Z")
Why are you calling just the adult men lazy for not helping with the bathroom renovation? Why can’t the game-playing daughter help with it as well? ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/113 "2023-07-17T16:58:47Z")
I think the daughter as described would screw it up maybe hurt herself. Would you put a circular saw in her hands? ---
**Author:** ![Sylvanz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Sylvanz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylvanz)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/114 "2023-07-17T17:07:11Z")
Wow. So much: The gaming is just lazy. I hate to say this but I’ve seen the homes they’ve lived in and helped them shovel out. I mean, seriously, she does other stuff, watch tv and stuff with her phone. Her husband does the same crap. When I feel like the confrontation I’ll try the at the elbow stuff. I like it. I’m sort of cussed and independent. I want to do the bathroom myself. They have offered to help. Sil did lift the toilet and cut a rusty bolt off for me 'cause I physically could not. Daughter did try to cut the bolt and she wasn’t strong enough either. Heh, my sil with power tools I shudder at the thought. Actually, she’s pretty handy and would be helpful if if I really wanted her to. I just want the help when I want it, and I probably wouldn’t get it on my schedule. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/115 "2023-07-17T20:21:13Z")
I’m just seeing a lot of folks insisting that the answer is to add more pain to the situation. While it’s the strategy that has been used for many generations, science has proven it’s not the best approach. Teaching people to find their dopamine in a sense of accomplishment/pride in a job well done is the long term answer. Those are the lessons that make people do chores without you standing over them. There is a wealth of research on this. The adults may or may not still be teachable. You CAN reach the kids, and you owe it to them to try. They will never learn about setting a home maintenance routine from their parents. It’s up to you. Google Montessori teaching. There are lots of great practical guides free on the internet. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/116 "2023-07-17T20:42:27Z")
It’s not her responsibility to teach the kids good citizenship. Her rules in her house should stand and their parents should make them adhere to the rules. They’ve surely learned how to follow basic rules if not from the actual parents, the school system. It was the OPs responsibility to teach her daughter how to act. Since the daughter isn’t in jail she must have learned something from someone. I suppose she doesn’t play her games at her part-time job? Maybe she does. I’ve seen fastfood workers on their phones when customers were standing waiting. Most places frown on it, I hear. Saying all that, there are not many options left but separation of the households before someone loses their shit. Teaching moments have long passed. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/117 "2023-07-17T20:43:04Z")
And, on a more practical note, if you’re carrying the load of housework etc. for your adult children, it’s worth training your grandchildren to do it when you’re no longer around, because SOMEBODY’S going to have to. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2023, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/118 "2023-07-17T20:53:43Z")
Oh, in the OPs own words she’s had to help shovel them out of places before. They will definitely not be getting good references from former landlords. This may be a really serious hindrance. I just don’t know what the OP is gonna do. I’m worried for them. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2023, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/119 "2023-07-18T21:19:36Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > They’ve surely learned how to follow basic rules if not from the actual parents, the school system. You are so funny! School systems today are handcuffed from any _actual_ discipline. And my wife has numerous times had kids tell her “My mom says I don’t have to listen to you.” ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2023, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062/120 "2023-07-18T21:48:55Z")
That’s true, and it’s tragic. I have friends and family who are teachers and they say the same thing. There was a time when teachers in America (and elsewhere I’m sure) had _too_ much power (early last century and before), and they often used it abusively. I recall stories my grandmother (born late 19th century) told of abusive teachers she had while in foster care, one of whom fractured her hand with a large stick for a very minor infraction (talking when she wasn’t supposed to). Nothing was done about it. Business as usual. But, the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. Teachers today are hamstrung to do any discipline whatsoever, and the propeller parents will demand restitution the moment they try. It’s bad enough for the teachers (many I’ve known have switched careers from sheer burnout), but it’s worse for the kids. Kids who receive no discipline at home, and none at school, aren’t going to grow up to be happy, well-adjusted adults. Parents who don’t discipline and prevent others from doing so are screwing their kids. I don’t know why they don’t understand that. Heck, even animals discipline their offspring. That’s why we don’t see many bratty, self-entitled wildlife (cats excluded 😸). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adult-kid-and-her-family-are-living-with-us-arg/986062.md?page=7)