# Advice for people who haven't had relationship success **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 17, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948 "2011-01-17T16:00:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/41 "2011-01-18T18:00:21Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > Once you get to a certain age (23 maybe?) and you haven’t had a serious relationship, I think it’s time to do some serious soul-searching, because in my opinion you haven’t had one because _you don’t really want one_. The idea of having someone may sound nice, but deep down you think it would be too much work, or too much disruption to your freedom and routine, or too scary, or too stifling, or just not convenient at your current place in life. There is something in you that is making you, consciously or unconsciously, decide you don’t want a relationship. I’ll have to strongly disagree with that. I for one have always wanted to be in a relationship, and in my teens assumed I’d been in relationships in the future as a matter of course. Have children, too (I like children very much). In my twenties a good (male) friend said it was palpable how desperate I was for any female interest. What held me back _a quarter of a century_ after the age you mentioned was not lack of interest but rather the sense that if I were never in a relationship at age x I must be really despicable - often when reading in the paper about a man who _killed_ his partner/ex-partner I thought ‘so, logically, I am a worse human being than him’. Speaking as someone who six years ago started a major course of self-improvement (psychologically and physically, shedding self-defeating thoughts like the one above, and becoming someone who likes how he looks in his birthday suit), and who recently finally got to hand in his unicorn wrangler’s license and start a really nice relationship, I have to broadly agree to the OP’s four points. I’d like to add the following considerations: [ul] [li] Don’t let your self-image be poisoned by past lack of success. It’s just blind chance, not some terrible flaw in you.[/li][li] Don’t take refuge in workaholism or obsessively pursued hobbies, or other obsessions (with me it was workaholism + overeating)[/li][li]Cultivate good friends who like you but can be candid to you. Listen to them. [/li][li] Pursue self-improvement that makes you a better person to be with whether the other person is romantically interested or not. That covers becoming a more relaxed, tolerant person as well as becoming a more physically fit person. Do it for the payoff in non-relationship-relevant human relations - _that_ payoff you can count on.[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2011, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/42 "2011-01-18T20:52:28Z")
> [@Mops](#): > > Don’t let your self-image be poisoned by past lack of success. It’s just blind chance, not some terrible flaw in you. Yes and no. If your self-worth hinges on whether or not you’re in a relationship, that’s a problem that you need to work on, but at the same time, if you’re not getting what you want, then at some point the “blind chance” explanation is going to become implausible, and you do need to ask pretty seriously what you could be doing differently to get better results. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/43 "2011-01-19T21:18:20Z")
Relationships for most people take practice. You can’t expect to be good at it right away. Every relationship that fails is not a failure, it is just practice for the one which succeeds. You should go on dates with people you’re not that interested in so that you can be prepared for when you go on one with someone you are interested in you won’t freak out. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/44 "2011-01-19T21:26:09Z")
Be realistic about the attractiveness of your partner. Unless you’re a supermodel, don’t only try to date supermodels. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Gnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miss_gnomer/32/3466_2.png) [@Miss\_Gnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Gnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/45 "2011-01-19T21:50:50Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > I’m way past the age where this matters anymore. I have to look at my WHOLE life and know that love and relationships are never gonna be more than part of my life or anyone’s life. > > And I also have to be realistic about the fact I’m 46 years old and my life’s drawing to an end. I can spend the next ten or 20 years bitching about never having been in love OR I can use that time to do other things that make me happy. > > And above all APPRECIATE what you have got. No matter how little that is, 'cause someone is always worse off than you. > > People are fond of saying, “It’s never too late,” but you will find out as you get older, usually, it’s later than you think > [@xoferew](#): > > Wow, that’s sad. The more I think about it the sadder I feel. I’m only a few years younger than you, but I don’t feel like my life is almost over. I didn’t see Markxxx as sad … but quite realistic (well, other than the bit about life drawing to an end at 46!!). I find the “it’s not too late, you’ll find someone” a bit insulting … sure I’d love to find a partner, but I have a pretty amazing life full of all sorts of other things … love would add to it but so would winning the lottery. Neither are likely and neither are guaranteed to bring you happiness. I believe society’s ongoing over emphasis on finding the love of your life makes many people unhappy … we’re not all the main character in a book/movie, there have to be lots of side-kicks who don’t win the girl/boy! There are many more important things in life than just finding a compatible companion. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/46 "2011-01-19T21:59:08Z")
> [@Electric\_Warrior](#): > > It is probably a good idea to consider the possibility, but I disagree with this statement. A lot of people are going through difficult life stuff even up to their mid-twenties that it takes them a very long time to get out of and get to the point where they can start having meaningful relationships with people. Issues of self-worth for instance is one of these things. Could be mid-20’s, mid-30’s, there’s no “certain age.” Some people are late bloomers. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2011, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/47 "2011-01-19T23:35:16Z")
I had a ridiculously sad romantic life for a long time. First serious relationship was with a married man when I was 25 (it was an open marriage, but still). Had a 10 year (!!!) dry spell, followed by some horrible dates. Then when I was 40, I met the love of my life–here on the SDMB–and we had an amazing marriage. My advice is to stay open to possibilities. You never know what will happen. Along with that, I think you have to give even unlikely people a chance. My marriage was one that shouldn’t work. He was in the UK, I was in the US. I was 40, he was 25. I had a career, he was just starting out. Crazy kids that we were, we made it work. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/48 "2011-01-20T01:23:59Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > My advice is to stay open to possibilities. You never know what will happen. Along with that, I think you have to give even unlikely people a chance. My marriage was one that shouldn’t work. He was in the UK, I was in the US. I was 40, he was 25. I had a career, he was just starting out. Crazy kids that we were, we made it work. Agree completely with everything you said. In 2005 I was 43 years old with a very mixed record of relationship success, and nothing good looming on the horizon. I happened to go a fundraiser for my local public library – I had been a financial supporter for several years. An elderly lady on the Foundation Board started chatting with me, and when she realized I was single, said that she knew lots of people there and would introduce me to some interesting people. Doesn’t sound all that promising, does it? Well, one of the women the Foundation Board member introduced me to, a women who was volunteering at one of the booths for the fundraiser, is now my wife. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/49 "2011-01-20T01:53:42Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > My advice is pretty simple (but not easy), though it only applies to some people in this situation: > > If you don’t like yourself, chances are good others are going to pick up on that and maybe not like you either. Find and nurture the things about yourself that you can and do admire. Be someone you would want to know. > > It’s easy to get lonely and depressed and then to fall into a trap of self-absorption that basically prevents anyone from knowing and liking you. Generally, other people can only see what we show them. jsgoddess, this is so accurate. I felt like I was reading some of my history there. Luckily, it IS history and not my current life. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/50 "2011-01-20T03:27:13Z")
> [@Miss\_Gnomer](#): > > I believe society’s ongoing over emphasis on finding the love of your life makes many people unhappy … we’re not all the main character in a book/movie, there have to be lots of side-kicks who don’t win the girl/boy! There are many more important things in life than just finding a compatible companion. Never mind social overemphasis on finding the love of your life – it’s bad enough with social overemphasis on always being part of a “couple unit”, regardless of whether long-term committed or short-n-quick serial. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/51 "2011-01-20T04:53:56Z")
> [@xoferew](#): > > Another thing, I am freaked out by the idea of a guy wanting anything sexual from me. Any chance you’ve been trying out for the wrong team? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/52 "2011-01-20T06:20:57Z")
> [@suranyi](#): > > In 2005 I was 43 years old with a very mixed record of relationship success, and nothing good looming on the horizon. I happened to go a fundraiser for my local public library – I had been a financial supporter for several years. An elderly lady on the Foundation Board started chatting with me, and when she realized I was single, said that she knew lots of people there and would introduce me to some interesting people. > > Doesn’t sound all that promising, does it? Well, one of the women the Foundation Board member introduced me to, a women who was volunteering at one of the booths for the fundraiser, is now my wife. Something like that can happen, but I’m not sure we should be expecting it to happen. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/53 "2011-01-20T10:50:02Z")
The main thing that kept me from getting dates forever was not noticing who was attracted to me. The main thing that keeps me from it now is that I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, and I’m not into casual sex. So I figure I might as well just have friends. ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/54 "2011-01-20T11:46:22Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > 1. It’s a penis, not an ice cream. She didn’t try and stick a Flake in it, did she? ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/55 "2011-01-20T13:04:51Z")
Without knowing any particulars of that particular person, I would tell them to remember that it’s a numbers game. The more you ask the more you get, but you have to accept plenty of rejection to get there. I’d say just get out there, and don’t be too picky. Even dates or sex with much less than your ideal will give you confidence for next time. Also, if they have a friend or relative of either sex who’s better at it, ask them for a makeover on your look and game. I believe there is someone for everyone, but they have to do their homework and footwork to find them. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/56 "2011-01-20T13:07:27Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > 1. It’s a penis, not an ice cream. ROFL! ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/57 "2011-01-20T13:34:57Z")
> [@Staggerlee](#): > > She didn’t try and stick a Flake in it, did she? She certainly didn’t managed to turn it into a Mr Whippy. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/58 "2011-01-20T20:15:33Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Something like that can happen, but I’m not sure we should be expecting it to happen. It’s not a matter of expecting THAT to happen, but of being open to the possibility of SOMETHING happening, SOMETIME. The library fundraiser was hardly the only social event I went to that year. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/59 "2011-01-20T23:19:47Z")
> [@suranyi](#): > > It’s not a matter of expecting THAT to happen, but of being open to the possibility of SOMETHING happening, SOMETIME. The library fundraiser was hardly the only social event I went to that year. Well, I did say “something like that”, and I haven’t given up hope. It can happen, but it’s not a sure thing, either. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948/60 "2011-01-21T01:25:35Z")
> [@wheresmymind](#): > > Make sure you’re actually interacting with people your age. If you’re not, join a club, group, church, meetup, whatever you’re interested in to get “out there.” Doesn’t have to be something you’re awesome at, just something you’re interested in or would like to know more about. Haven’t hiked in years but think you might like to? Give it a shot. Most groups like bringing new meat I mean people into the fold. Join “Meetup.” Just go to local “Friend” and “social” and “singles” groups. Dress well, go in with a positive attitude, and the candidates are numerous. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-for-people-who-havent-had-relationship-success/567948.md?page=4)