# Advice needed: what if you learned what a friend's online date looks like? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 17, 2010, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046 "2010-07-17T17:27:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/81 "2010-07-20T00:03:21Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Huh? I have no idea how you got that from what I said. I said nothing of the sort. > > To restate, if she accepts a date with him, she owes him the courtesy of being polite. And he owes her the same. So far, it does not appear that she has arranged any kind of a date with him, so she wouldn’t be breaking a date, just not making one. Even if she had made a date, she still has a right to change her miind. Politeness dictates only that she tell him, and not stand him up with no notice, but there’s no binding, moral requirement for her not to cancel it if she wants to. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/82 "2010-07-20T00:06:18Z")
Thanks, **Giraffe** , for actually reading my posts. I wish I could say the same for **billfish678** , but he’s determined to twist my motives and make the whole thing into a **SomethingAwful** thread. Do me a favor. If you insist on being insulting by making up false rationales for me and making me into a shallow bitch, that’s okay. I’ve been around the SDMB and I know how MPSIMS threads work; there’s always a few shitstirrers who turn against the OP. Quite often the OP deserves it, and hey, maybe I do. I don’t _think_ so, but being the OP and all, I probably wouldn’t, would I? But could you _please_ stop calling my friend and this other guy crappy names like “hambeast” or whatever the other repulsive terms you’ve used in this thread? I’ve never said thing ONE about him not being good enough for her, and I certainly never called him any names, and to use that kind of language is incredibly reductionist and offensive. Tell me exactly what I said that indicates I don’t want my friend to “suffer a date” with this guy. Tell me what I _really_ meant when I called him the best thing since sliced bread. Tell me my motives for saying that I didn’t think this would, or should, affect any potential relationship. Tell me, O **billfish678** , because you seem to know my subconscious mind better than I do. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/83 "2010-07-20T00:18:59Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > But lets face it. She doesnt want her hambeast suffer a date with Mr Hambeast. Even assuming you’re right and you’ve somehow probed the secret core of **choie** ’s brain and discovered her true motives, so what? Is she obligated to keep this guy’s appearance a secret? Is her friend required to date someone she’s not attracted to? What is the ugliness threshold past which a person shouldn’t forward a link like the one found in the OP? Can a person merely be homely and still have the link forwarded or can it only be done when they’re drop dead gorgeous? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/84 "2010-07-20T00:21:33Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > So far, it does not appear that she has arranged any kind of a date with him, so she wouldn’t be breaking a date, just not making one. > > Even if she had made a date, she still has a right to change her miind. Politeness dictates only that she tell him, and not stand him up with no notice, but there’s no binding, moral requirement for her not to cancel it if she wants to. I’m not sure where I’ve said otherwise. Why are you reading random things into what I’ve posted? ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/85 "2010-07-20T00:57:09Z")
Lets try this. I meet a girl online. She is “all that” in many ways. Shares my politics, hobbies, interests in science, my warped sense of humor, whatevers. I have an out of date pic of her. I’ve told all my friends about her and how great she is. A friend does a search and finds a current pic/video/article about her. Now, lets say my physically “acceptable” woman is X pounds. Lets say for me X plus a hundred pounds is probably no way (though there is still the love at first sight, soulmate, when I finally meet her I didnt care type factors to consider). So, we have acceptable, unacceptable, and some obvious gray area. My friends probably know this parameter as well. Now my friend sends me that link. It also has a pic that obviously shows exactly how much she weighs. And his only comment is something like “hey, here is an article about her” or “She seems so interesting” or “Boy is she cute”. Now, lets say she is X plus a hundred. You know EXACTLY what I am going to think? My friend sent that to show me how fat she is. Jerk. Lets say its X plus a fair amount. If its enough over X for me to notice, I am at least going to suspect the friend sent it for reasons other than the article. If the extra weight is enough for me to notice…it is enough for my friend to notice too. His coy " I didnt notice" crap aint going to fly. And if ISNT enough to notice, why should he send it in the first place, because like the OP, he aint sending it to say how great she is, he is sending it as a subtle hambeast alert, though he can PRETEND it was otherwise. Now, maybe I appreciate that alert. But there is good chance I don’t. And, as I said before, the only upside is he saves me from a “bad date”. The downsides are plenty and more serious IMO. And you know what a date with someone really interesting but you don’t just wanna fuck em is? A dinner with a friend. Oh the horror. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/86 "2010-07-20T01:04:43Z")
> [@DooWahDiddy](#): > > I guess I’m in the minority here, but I think you should show her the video, _and_ I think it’s your business. I mean not in any “You have an obligation to tell her” way… just a “She’s like your sister, and sisters talk about that kind of thing” way. I agree with you. I’d want to know if it were me. I’d say “remember how we were looking around for his picture, I found video!” and send her the link and let her decide for herself. ---
**Author:** ![rolandgunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/cdc98d/32.png) [@rolandgunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rolandgunslinger)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/87 "2010-07-20T01:11:22Z")
I’m ugly as hell. my wife is beautiful. I know this because my friends tell me so:D. We’ve been married for 15 years. Let her make her own choice. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/88 "2010-07-20T01:14:10Z")
> [@mikews99](#): > > This! ^^^ > > If you are truly her friend, allow her the dignity of making her own choices in life and living with those consequences. The judgments you’ve made about this man are yours and yours alone and have absolutely no bearing on how your friend should feel about him. > > If you care for your friend as much as you say you do, you will stay out of it. She is not a child that needs to be told what to do. She is an adult who’s fully capable of making her own decisions. As her friend, the most loving thing you can do is support her in whatever decision she does make, regardless of how you feel about it. Huh? I don’t mean to just pick on you by quoting you, but several people have alluded to the idea that sending the video = making the choice for her. How? Sending the video is just letting her see more of him before she meets the guy. I don’t know about anyone else’s friends but my friends would watch the video and still make up their own mind. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/89 "2010-07-20T01:41:47Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Now, lets say my physically “acceptable” woman is X pounds. Lets say for me X plus a hundred pounds is probably no way (though there is still the love at first sight, soulmate, when I finally meet her I didnt care type factors to consider). > > So, we have acceptable, unacceptable, and some obvious gray area. My friends probably know this parameter as well. > > Now my friend sends me that link. It also has a pic that obviously shows exactly how much she weighs. And his only comment is something like “hey, here is an article about her” or “She seems so interesting” or “Boy is she cute”. > > Now, lets say she is X plus a hundred. You know EXACTLY what I am going to think? My friend sent that to show me how fat she is. Jerk. Wait, _you’re_ the one who deems X+100 “unacceptable” and your friend is the jerk for alerting you to the fact that she is in the category _you_ set as too physically unattractive for you to date? 😕 How about the flip side of things? For you, X+50 is just fine, for your friend it’s a bit too heavy. You’ve told him about this person you’ve met online, how funny she is, how much you like her. He runs across a video of her doing stand-up comedy online where she’s just killing it, but he doesn’t forward it to you because she looks kind of chunky and obviously you wouldn’t want to date someone so fat, now would you? That’s the better scenario in your opinion? Your friends choosing when not to share info with you on account on how embarrassed they are for you for liking someone so unappealing? ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/90 "2010-07-20T02:01:50Z")
Please do let us know when/how you tell her (since I _think_ you’ve decided to) and how it pans out, both for her and for you. And ignore **billfish** , of course. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/91 "2010-07-20T04:17:41Z")
If she doesn’t want to meet him because she’s unhappy about her weight and is going to try to shed pounds before seeing him in person; definitely a good deed to send the link. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/92 "2010-07-20T04:21:31Z")
Good gravy, if a friend of mine knew I was precipitously close to a blind date with a alopecic fat chick sporting a creepy neckbeard and didn’t tell me, I’d kick his or her ass with a dagger shoe. Would you people let your friends “make their own decision” about treading into a coverless manhole? I’m revising my living will, and some of you will find your decision-making privileges revoked… ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/93 "2010-07-20T14:43:02Z")
I’d say leave her alone, because she doesn’t honestly sound all that interested in finding out more about his looks. I mean, you found this video by Googling his name and clicking the video link–you honestly don’t think she’s able to do the simplest kind of Google search? And even if she’s not, she hasn’t asked you to Google or research him for her, or to help her do it. Hell, she hasn’t even asked him to send her a bigger picture. If getting a good look at him were really that big a deal to her, don’t you think she’d have done one of those things? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2010, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/94 "2010-07-20T14:48:49Z")
What does it hurt? Why is the OP obligated to conceal information about the dude? ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/95 "2010-07-30T02:05:51Z")
Hi gang. Just thought I’d give you a minor update. I haven’t said anything to my friend because I figured if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, I’d rather err on the side of ‘don’t’. I’m a wuss that way. Apparently she and the guy are meeting for the first time tomorrow – she got past her anxiety about her own looks. Or I should say, her interest in meeting this great guy outweighed (sorry) her anxiety about her looks. I decided to backdoor it. I asked her: “Have you and he exchanged pictures yet?” Friend: “Well, I haven’t seen his picture.” (I then remembered that she’d mentioned sending him a photo about a week ago – this was her about twenty pounds heavier, pre-dieting. He called her beautiful.) Me: “Don’t you want to know what he looks like?” My Friend: “It doesn’t matter.” So that’s where I leave it. If she doesn’t want to know beforehand, that’s absolutely her decision… and good for her, frankly. I think she’s amazing for not caring about looks at all; she’s really head over heels by this guy’s character, so maybe the physical attraction thing really doesn’t matter to her. Wouldn’t it be a great story if this works out? Hearing someone over the radio and then meeting him in person? That’s definitely a cute meet, I’d say. Of course now I’m concerned that she’s having him pick her up and take her to a park somewhere out of the city. Seems like an internet-dating-no-no – aren’t you supposed to take your own transportation and meet in a public place? – but at this point after everything people here have said to me, I’m questioning whether I’m jealous or a busybody or just a general worry-wart. (I fully admit to the latter!) Hopefully I’ll have good news to report. Anyway thanks again for all the advice. Sorry I wimped out, but I found myself agreeing with the people who said if she really wanted to know, she’d have either a) snooped a little better herself or b) asked me for help. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/96 "2010-07-30T02:14:49Z")
Thanks for the update. I think the meet-in-public-with-your-own-transit is important, but then again, I’m a nervous nellie. We’ll see how it goes; if they hit it off, though, I think the advice still holds valid. You asked if she wanted to know, she said no, and so you did your part. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/97 "2010-07-30T02:18:53Z")
> [@choie](#): > > Hi gang. Just thought I’d give you a minor update. I haven’t said anything to my friend because I figured if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, I’d rather err on the side of ‘don’t’. I’m a wuss that way. You might be damned if you do, but you’re not damned if you don’t. If you don’t she’ll never know you could have (because you won’t tell her). They only way you’ll be damned if you do is if she’s totally put off by his looks and you tell her that you found a picture of him a while back but decided not to show her. But since you aren’t going to do that, you’re totally 100% in the clear no matter how it turns out. It is a bit odd that she’s getting a ride from him for a first date. Maybe you could offer her a ride “Hey, if you’d like I can drop you off and then come back in an hour or so.” Let her know that that is safer for her _and_ it gives her a convenient out if the date isn’t going so well. I wouldn’t consider that intrusive or nosy as much as I would being considerate and caring and it’s internet dating protocol, at least to a point. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/98 "2010-07-30T02:24:01Z")
Agreed with **Dio**. I’d want my friend to show me. If I was still OK with meeting the girl after my friend showed me, great. If not, it means I just spared myself an awkward date with someone I’m not attracted to. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/99 "2010-07-31T14:14:35Z")
I’m glad you took the high road. Looks aren’t everything and she sounds smitten. Let us know how it goes. I don’t think you wimped out at all. A real friend won’t burst your bubble but will be there no matter what. I watched a documentary on Rodney Dangerfield, one of my favorite comedians. His wife is drop dead gorgeous and loved him for his money and his wit. It wasn’t his looks at all. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046/100 "2010-07-31T15:31:41Z")
Thanks everyone. Apparently their date yesterday lasted 14 hours (they both had yesterday off so they spent the whole day together), so I’m assuming things went well! If not, my friend really needs to work on her “getting out of uncomfortable situations” skills. (heh.) Seriously, I haven’t spoken to her in detail yet but she thinks he’s amazing. **Joey P** – I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks it unwise to go off with a stranger the first time you meet him. As I said I tend to be a scaredy-cat so sometimes I can’t tell if I’m my fears are normal or overly paranoid. Unfortunately I couldn’t drive her, since we’re not in the same state, plus I don’t have a car. But if we were and I did, I would’ve offered the lift. Though not necessarily the lift back… that seems a bit too maternal even for extra-busybody me! 🙂 Thanks again for the advice, everyone. I’m not up on the whole internet/blind dating thang, so your counsel really helped. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-needed-what-if-you-learned-what-a-friends-online-date-looks-like/547046.md?page=6)