# Advice on a situation with a girl... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2014, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694 "2014-04-09T04:08:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/61 "2014-04-10T00:33:28Z")
If a woman is interested in you and is free to make a move on that interest it will be pretty obvious. You (no one else) has created this semi-obsessive fantasy that you have this “connection”. Women like men who are confident and you are (to me) coming across as raggedly desperate. Your phone message is guaranteed to creep her out. And …here is the central point… YOU did not GET that doing that would not be a smooth move, but would (to most women) come across as weird, desperate and stalkery. This lack of understanding makes a person wonder about your overall approach and if this connection you talk about exists only in your mind. You’re running after her with your heart in one hand and your dick in the other. That’s not an appealing approach. Unless by some miracle she gives you a second shot you really need to let this go. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/62 "2014-04-10T00:49:25Z")
> [@astro](#): > > \ > You’re running after her with your heart in one hand and your dick in the other. \ That’s, uh, quite the mind picture you’re painting! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![slowlearner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@slowlearner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slowlearner)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/63 "2014-04-10T01:00:54Z")
In my experience it’s even better if you bang her and it’s great and you have loads of fun talking and share lots of interests and some good times and only then does she walk away without explaining… ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/64 "2014-04-10T01:43:16Z")
1. I was 30 years old and starting a new job. My boss introduced me to my office mate, who was **a woman I went to high school with, and hadn’t seen since.** Was it **fate** that we would end up at adjoining desks, being with each other for eight hours a day? Or was it just a curious **coincidence** , especially since we didn’t especially like each other, either back in high school, or 12 years later? 2)[Listen to this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0_FvK51wOQ). Now listen to it about a dozen more times until you really understand what it says. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/65 "2014-04-10T01:48:36Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > 1. I was 30 years old and starting a new job. My boss introduced me to my office mate, who was **a woman I went to high school with, and hadn’t seen since.** Was it **fate** that we would end up at adjoining desks, being with each other for eight hours a day? Or was it just a curious **coincidence** , especially since we didn’t especially like each other, either back in high school, or 12 years later? > > 2)[Listen to this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0_FvK51wOQ). Now listen to it about a dozen more times until you really understand what it says. [I think this song is more on point.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5o-fot42z0) ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/66 "2014-04-10T02:15:00Z")
Nice one even sven. Or we could go short and sweet with this old Far Side cartoon: [![](http://i.pinimg.com/736x/6a/26/f4/6a26f4bbdf52fad24487c95f14dbb204.jpg) ](http://i.pinimg.com/736x/6a/26/f4/6a26f4bbdf52fad24487c95f14dbb204.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/67 "2014-04-10T02:15:44Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > So, like, a ways back I was at this party. Becky was there, even though she is in a fight with Mike. And of course Joe wouldn’t come with me, ever since that thing with Sylvia. I talked with some guy about legumes, as we both garden, and he must have been drunk because he tried to kiss me. I told him to back off and went to find Becky. Can you believe it, Becky was kissing Mike! I was shocked and Rick was double shocked. I wanted to stay to hear what happened, but it’s report season at work and things are hectic. I got the whole story later on Facebook anyway. LOL Susan couldn’t believe it! > > Anyway. Later on I was hanging out with Becky and Anne at the bike store. Joe managed to blow a tire, so I dropped his bike off and cabbed home. But the cab dropped us off at the wrong place and I had to pee sooooo bad. Can you believe we just flagged down some rando and he let us in? We could have been anyone! So dude had some Bombay Sapphire and you know how I love gin, so we hung out for a while and watched Game of Thrones. Mike kept texting Becky the whole time, typical right? He would have flipped if he know she was at some dudes house, hahah. Anyways, we got bored and walked home. It wasn’t too far and I could stand to loose some weight. At home there was all this drama over that whole fireplace fiasco…I don’t even want to get in to that whole story. > > Apartment dude texts me later saying he has an extra ticket to the Toad the Wet Sprocket reunion. Why not, right? I mean, I loved TTWS in middle school. And it’s not like Joe and I are officially together since he left for Benin. And, like, who goes to Benin for a year? What do they even eat there? We face time every day, but you know how it is. If he wants me, he can come back to Austin. That’s that story. So the concert was good. The Vets Hall has new speakers, finally. I spilled a diet Coke all over my new shirt, though. So much for that. Dude was kind of off. He was definitely making the move for me, but I just wasn’t feeling it. First off he’s a redhead and I don’t go for that. And he just wanted to keep taking about legumes. Wtf? But the music was good and I always like to dance. It’s kind of like Zumba, right? I wonder how much you burn at a concert? I should check that out. > > Later apartment guy leaves me this wacky voicemail. He says he was the guy at that party. I guess he was. Otherwise, how would he know? I can’t really remember. Anyway, that’s all pretty weird and I don’t want to deal with it. Sylvia’s wedding is next week and the dresses are just, so. ugly. Who chooses line green? And poor Anne with her scar. I don’t even know what she’s going to do about that, maybe a shawl? > > Ok, gotta go! Mike is gonna face time. He had a pet monkey! I can’t wait to see it! And then we have happy hour at the Applebee’s. I can’t wait until Thursday, haha. The new doorman is going to be shocked by the delivery! I love you. But not in a stalkery way, I swear! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/68 "2014-04-10T07:03:57Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > It’s funny how Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers is a just a lovably lovelorn every-man and I’m Jeffrey Dahmer. Rationalists I think not. Because Wedding Crashers is a movie, and movies aren’t real life? Seriously, if you get the urge to contact her again, read [this](http://www.theonion.com/articles/romanticcomedy-behavior-gets-reallife-man-arrested,757/). (Isn’t it scary how close _The Onion_ gets to real life?) ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/69 "2014-04-10T07:51:03Z")
> [@Boogly](#): > > It is very subtle, but the Dope might be sending you a message. We just want 5 minutes alone with the OP, to tell him how we really feel. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/70 "2014-04-10T08:19:21Z")
I’m wondering if she suspects that your second meeting wasn’t a mind-blowing coincidence at all—maybe she thinks you orchestrated it somehow. It certainly sounds like a random event the way you described it, but if she’s feeling stalked and freaked-out she may not be reacting rationally. In any case, I concur with the Dopers advising you to move on. Life isn’t a rom-com movie, and that immediate connection you felt would dissipate once you got to know each other. ---
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/71 "2014-04-10T08:40:14Z")
> [@steveroo](#): > > I’m wondering if she suspects that your second meeting wasn’t a mind-blowing coincidence at all—maybe she thinks you orchestrated it somehow. He orchestrated the 3 girls going to _his_ apartment and jumping up and down outside his gate? If he can get her to do that then he should have no trouble getting her to sit still for five minutes for a chat. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/72 "2014-04-10T11:23:39Z")
I actually the OP kind of did right to throw it all out there. It’s better to make a clear statement and get a clear reply. Or absence thereof. But you got the(non) reply, now it’s time to accept it. I also really totally understand and have been there. You think someone is just so perfect for you, but they just don’t see it. Painful and frustrating. But I’ve come to understand that someone can’t be right for you and not realise it. That doesn’t exist. If it is meant to work, they will come to you without too much effort on your part. If not, focus elsewhere. Or better still, on being your own person. I was harsh about it in my previous post so as to not dilute that message. But I do get the feeling oh so well and it took me ages to train myself out of this kind of logic. OP, start here with getting it _rationally_, and from there you can start to get it emotionally. ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/73 "2014-04-10T13:15:01Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > It’s funny how Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers is a just a lovably lovelorn every-man and I’m Jeffrey Dahmer. Rationalists I think not. > > Though I will take everyone’s advice and not contact her. I should probably delete her number from my phone and de-friend her on facebook. That way I can only ever speak to her again if it’s at her behest. If it’s meant to be, I can’t be the one to force it. Draconian but probably for the best. Man, deleting her number and de-friending her on Facebook sure is draconian. I just can’t imagine how much more hard core a person could be. Aren’t you a little young to be living on your own and smoking cigarettes? I imagine you look pretty different after 2.5 years too, having recently started puberty and all. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/74 "2014-04-10T13:35:52Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > So, like, a ways back I was at this party. Becky was there, even though she is in a fight with Mike. And of course Joe wouldn’t come with me, ever since that thing with Sylvia. I talked with some guy about legumes, as we both garden, and he must have been drunk because he tried to kiss me. I told him to back off and went to find Becky. Can you believe it, Becky was kissing Mike! I was shocked and Rick was double shocked. I wanted to stay to hear what happened, but it’s report season at work and things are hectic. I got the whole story later on Facebook anyway. LOL Susan couldn’t believe it! > > Anyway. Later on I was hanging out with Becky and Anne at the bike store. Joe managed to blow a tire, so I dropped his bike off and cabbed home. But the cab dropped us off at the wrong place and I had to pee sooooo bad. Can you believe we just flagged down some rando and he let us in? We could have been anyone! So dude had some Bombay Sapphire and you know how I love gin, so we hung out for a while and watched Game of Thrones. Mike kept texting Becky the whole time, typical right? He would have flipped if he know she was at some dudes house, hahah. Anyways, we got bored and walked home. It wasn’t too far and I could stand to loose some weight. At home there was all this drama over that whole fireplace fiasco…I don’t even want to get in to that whole story. > > Apartment dude texts me later saying he has an extra ticket to the Toad the Wet Sprocket reunion. Why not, right? I mean, I loved TTWS in middle school. And it’s not like Joe and I are officially together since he left for Benin. And, like, who goes to Benin for a year? What do they even eat there? We face time every day, but you know how it is. If he wants me, he can come back to Austin. That’s that story. So the concert was good. The Vets Hall has new speakers, finally. I spilled a diet Coke all over my new shirt, though. So much for that. Dude was kind of off. He was definitely making the move for me, but I just wasn’t feeling it. First off he’s a redhead and I don’t go for that. And he just wanted to keep taking about legumes. Wtf? But the music was good and I always like to dance. It’s kind of like Zumba, right? I wonder how much you burn at a concert? I should check that out. > > Later apartment guy leaves me this wacky voicemail. He says he was the guy at that party. I guess he was. Otherwise, how would he know? I can’t really remember. Anyway, that’s all pretty weird and I don’t want to deal with it. Sylvia’s wedding is next week and the dresses are just, so. ugly. Who chooses line green? And poor Anne with her scar. I don’t even know what she’s going to do about that, maybe a shawl? > > Ok, gotta go! Mike is gonna face time. He had a pet monkey! I can’t wait to see it! And then we have happy hour at the Applebee’s. I can’t wait until Thursday, haha. The new doorman is going to be shocked by the delivery! Excellent. OP, it wasn’t magical wonderland for her. Either time. She’s not responding because she is not interested. Move on. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/75 "2014-04-10T13:51:12Z")
> [@Emiliana](#): > > Man, deleting her number and de-friending her on Facebook sure is draconian. I just can’t imagine how much more hard core a person could be. > > Aren’t you a little young to be living on your own and smoking cigarettes? I imagine you look pretty different after 2.5 years too, having recently started puberty and all. **String** I know the snark is heavy in this thread, but take comfort in the fact that we’ve ALL done foolish things because of an unrequited love interest. Including the snarkers in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/76 "2014-04-10T13:52:58Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Here’s the story: > > Halloween 2.5 years ago, I was visiting my hometown Houston for a friend’s party. I met a really cool, intelligent, pretty girl and we hit it off immediately. Lets call her Sara. We chatted all night, smoked a little, and I felt this amazing connection with her. I did something I rarely do–I made a move. I caught her coming back from the bathroom and I swiftly moved in to kiss her. When I was literally inches from her lips, she hesitantly stopped me and said “sorry I have a boyfriend.” **I ran my fingers down her cheek and said “but you’re so cute…,”** however I respected her loyalty. Hey, where’s my skin go? Oh, it got up and crawled under the couch. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/77 "2014-04-10T13:56:33Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > I actually the OP kind of did right to throw it all out there. It’s better to make a clear statement and get a clear reply. Or absence thereof. But you got the(non) reply, now it’s time to accept it. There’s nothing wrong with throwing it out there but when you stick your hand out for a high five and nobody is slapping it, you should probably put your hand back down. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/78 "2014-04-10T14:13:24Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > **String** I know the snark is heavy in this thread, but take comfort in the fact that we’ve ALL done foolish things because of an unrequited love interest. Including the snarkers in this thread. Speak for yourself. > [@Ace309](#): > > Hey, where’s my skin go? > > Oh, it got up and crawled under the couch. You win the thread. ---
**Author:** ![OurLordPeace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e8c25b/32.png) [@OurLordPeace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OurLordPeace)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/79 "2014-04-10T14:40:24Z")
> [@Emiliana](#): > > Aren’t you a little young to be living on your own and smoking cigarettes? I imagine you look pretty different after 2.5 years too, having recently started puberty and all. That seems a little mean-spirited. Also, Jeffrey Dahmer was gay (to the extent that makes a difference), and he wasn’t acting out of unrequited love, exactly. He wanted a completely compliant partner, with utterly no autonomy. OP, just out of curiosity, do you think that it is primarily rom-coms (and other similar works) that lead people astray? In my case, that was/is certainly part of it, but there are so many similar cultural messages in music and elsewhere, all of them claiming that it’s possible to “win her heart.” I also feel like this is a very broad, general trope, in that I heard so many times while growing up that it’s possible to achieve most anything with enough perseverance and such. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694/80 "2014-04-10T15:53:53Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > So, like, a ways back I was at this party. Becky was there, even though she is in a fight with Mike. And of course Joe wouldn’t come with me, ever since that thing with Sylvia. I talked with some guy about legumes, as we both garden, and he must have been drunk because he tried to kiss me. I told him to back off and went to find Becky. Can you believe it, Becky was kissing Mike! I was shocked and Rick was double shocked. I wanted to stay to hear what happened, but it’s report season at work and things are hectic. I got the whole story later on Facebook anyway. LOL Susan couldn’t believe it! > > Anyway. Later on I was hanging out with Becky and Anne at the bike store. Joe managed to blow a tire, so I dropped his bike off and cabbed home. But the cab dropped us off at the wrong place and I had to pee sooooo bad. Can you believe we just flagged down some rando and he let us in? We could have been anyone! So dude had some Bombay Sapphire and you know how I love gin, so we hung out for a while and watched Game of Thrones. Mike kept texting Becky the whole time, typical right? He would have flipped if he know she was at some dudes house, hahah. Anyways, we got bored and walked home. It wasn’t too far and I could stand to loose some weight. At home there was all this drama over that whole fireplace fiasco…I don’t even want to get in to that whole story. > > Apartment dude texts me later saying he has an extra ticket to the Toad the Wet Sprocket reunion. Why not, right? I mean, I loved TTWS in middle school. And it’s not like Joe and I are officially together since he left for Benin. And, like, who goes to Benin for a year? What do they even eat there? We face time every day, but you know how it is. If he wants me, he can come back to Austin. That’s that story. So the concert was good. The Vets Hall has new speakers, finally. I spilled a diet Coke all over my new shirt, though. So much for that. Dude was kind of off. He was definitely making the move for me, but I just wasn’t feeling it. First off he’s a redhead and I don’t go for that. And he just wanted to keep taking about legumes. Wtf? But the music was good and I always like to dance. It’s kind of like Zumba, right? I wonder how much you burn at a concert? I should check that out. > > Later apartment guy leaves me this wacky voicemail. He says he was the guy at that party. I guess he was. Otherwise, how would he know? I can’t really remember. Anyway, that’s all pretty weird and I don’t want to deal with it. Sylvia’s wedding is next week and the dresses are just, so. ugly. Who chooses line green? And poor Anne with her scar. I don’t even know what she’s going to do about that, maybe a shawl? > > Ok, gotta go! Mike is gonna face time. He had a pet monkey! I can’t wait to see it! And then we have happy hour at the Applebee’s. I can’t wait until Thursday, haha. The new doorman is going to be shocked by the delivery! I love you, because I think we are soulmates. No really, hear me out. If you would just let me talk to you face-to-face, I can explain it all. I’m not insane or scary. Honestly. I swear. Soulmates. You’ll see. I’ll show you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-a-situation-with-a-girl/685694.md?page=5)