# Advice on "accepting the bad with the good" (family relationships) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 8, 2022, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-accepting-the-bad-with-the-good-family-relationships/959112 "2022-02-08T17:25:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DavidNRockies](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/davidnrockies/32/6279_2.png) [@DavidNRockies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidNRockies)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2022, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-accepting-the-bad-with-the-good-family-relationships/959112/21 "2022-02-09T21:52:20Z")
“Simple” and “easy” are two entirely different concepts. We tend to become more of who we are as we get older. My saying is “you can work an entire lifetime to move the mountain just a little, and it may _not_ move. But it’s the only way to move it.” Meaning: fundamental change is like quitting drinking (as an alcoholic): totally dependent on internal motivation and requiring lots of hard work, usually for a long, long time. So … likely your mother won’t change. But changing one part of an equation _can and does_ often change the result _of_ the equation. “Simple” is deciding how much _you_ can change … whether it’s how you interact with her, your notions of who she was (accurate or not), your expectations of her, how much you share with her, boundaries (eg, activities, topics), etc. But it ain’t easy. This stuff is Hard. I wish you all the best. ---
**Author:** ![Kropotkin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kropotkin/32/18045_2.png) [@Kropotkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kropotkin)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2022, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-accepting-the-bad-with-the-good-family-relationships/959112/22 "2022-02-10T00:42:47Z")
How is your mother’s physical and mental health? New spending patterns, ranging from obsessive spending to hoarding money, can be a sign of mental illness, sometimes caused by things like blood pressure and diabetes ---
**Author:** ![mordecaiB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mordecaib/32/7725_2.png) [@mordecaiB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mordecaiB)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2022, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-accepting-the-bad-with-the-good-family-relationships/959112/23 "2022-02-10T10:05:53Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > gives away or spends large sums of money in secret In secret from your father? Because if he knows, what anyone else thinks doesn’t matter. You may find it difficult to ignore but you are going to have to. Not your money, not your problem. > [@Velocity](#): > > My siblings and I have quarreled with her for decades over her traits This is one of those family things that I don’t get. I don’t care how much I loved somebody, I would never put myself thru that. Life’s too short and you are not responsible for other adults. Either let it go or just stop dealing with her altogether. Though it sounds easy, it’ll probably be hard, but you should really make a choice. Do you really want to do this for another 20 years? > [@kenobi\_65](#): > > As a result of all of this, we weather several incidents a year with my MIL and/or SIL, in which they berate my wife for perceived slights or errors, and make her into a sobbing mess. I’m sorry you guys have to go thru this. Cutting out toxic family members is difficult to convince people to do. People often think they are failures if they have to separate from their family members, even if they have a good reason. > [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Your mental health is more important than your financial wealth. > > Unfortunately, I don’t believe that you will be able to influence your mother’s financial decisions. She’s gonna be her, especially after 65 years. Both of these are true. There’s nothing wrong with thinking of yourself first in this situation. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2022, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-accepting-the-bad-with-the-good-family-relationships/959112/24 "2022-02-11T01:54:58Z")
I became 100% estranged from my family 34 years ago, and my only regret is that it took as long as it did for that to happen. Nobody, absolutely nobody, is entitled to be in your life regardless of how they treat you. I don’t think there’s a more helpful or valuable thing to know than this. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-accepting-the-bad-with-the-good-family-relationships/959112.md?page=1)