# Advice on dating issue. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 8, 2011, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758 "2011-06-08T17:06:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/1 "2011-06-08T17:06:55Z")
This is a somewhat long story…my apologies. This guy who’s a friend of a friend asked me out back in April. We went on a first date…everything was fine…we decided to do it again, then he cancelled saying he had a lot of shit to deal with, I said I understood and to text me whenever he wanted to do something. Later I found out two of his friends had died. I texted him about two weeks later saying I’d heard he’d been through a lot, that I understood, I just wanted to give him his space, etc. He called me back a few hours later and we arranged the second date, which ended up being nearly a month after the first one. The second date seemed to go well and he kissed me at the end and said it would be less than a month between seeing each other again. Then I find out ANOTHER person died (they work in a dangerous occupation)…offer my condolences…he says thanks. Otherwise my only interaction with him was commenting on something else he posted on Facebook (and he responded). I finally called him and asked if he wanted to do something at the end of this week or next week and there was kind of a pause and he told me how he was just kind of overwhelmed, he told me all the stuff he was doing this week/weekend and there was kind of another pause and I asked if I should text him and he said no, he would call me next week. Disclaimer: I know you guys obviously don’t know this person at all and that it’s hard to give advice when one is a third party who doesn’t understand the situation. I’m just so confused by the mixed signals he’s sending and am wondering if I did something wrong/he’s not interested but doesn’t know how to say it? To compound the issues, he’s definitely given off the impression that he has some sort of problem with depression which is compounded by various life situations, not to mention 3 people have died in the past two months. That’s why I don’t want to blow him off…after the two weeks we didn’t speak he thanked me for being considerate and said most girls would have blown him off. And I can understand being so completely overwhelmed/wrapped up in my own shit that I have trouble dealing with other people. We have lots of mutual friends…his friend who normally discusses girls with him (and is the one who introduced us- although it was not for the purpose of dating- the guy came back later and asked me out, via a note of all things) says he has been completely mum on the subject of me…his other good friend is similarly in the dark. I just have a lot of trouble finding decent people and think this guy is smart, funny, intriguing, extremely attractive…yadda yadda…which is why I’m so hung up on him…I just can’t figure out if he’s trying to get rid of me or not. Thanks to all who read this…I hope it’s not terribly boring. ---
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/2 "2011-06-08T17:12:06Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Then I find out ANOTHER person died (they work in a dangerous occupation)… **Catherine** , sorry, no advice, but I just gotta ask: What the hell does he _do?_ Is he a test pilot, a fire swallower, or something? ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/3 "2011-06-08T17:15:26Z")
Bike messenger. We’re all in our early 20s if that makes any difference at all in regards to the overall situation. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/4 "2011-06-08T17:22:55Z")
It doesn’t actually sound like mixed signals to me - he asked for space and told you that he’d get in touch with you when his life was less stressful, but instead of waiting for him (and getting on with _your_ life), you keep contacting him. I’d stop chasing after this guy and try to find someone else to date who will welcome you into their life. On preview - bike messengers? Try to find an actual man to date. ---
**Author:** ![inkling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f17d59/32.png) [@inkling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inkling)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/5 "2011-06-08T17:23:05Z")
It’s unfortunate, but I think at this point you have done all you really can do. You’ve communicated clearly that you’re interested, you’ve given him room to deal with his grief, and you’ve made it clear that you’re there if/when he’s ready to go out again. He’s also (from what you are saying) sent a signal to you that much more would only make him think you were pushy and controlling, so you kind of have to leave it alone - any more will only make him slam the shutters harder. At this point, it’s kind of up to him. He has to deal with the shit that has happened and decide he’s ready to call you again. It may never happen, but if it does, it will be far, far sweeter if it is unforced and natural. In the meantime, all I can suggest is that you continue on with the rest of your life. Enjoy your other friends and the activities that you enjoy. Definitely don’t moon around waiting for this (or any other) guy - just take what comes your way and do your best to enjoy it all. ---
**Author:** ![Telcontar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/6 "2011-06-08T17:24:28Z")
With three dead bodies in 2 months, he’s probably not got a lot of emotional energy to spare. Even if you are a great match, your odds of pulling something together right now are pretty low. I’d say back off for awhile and, if you’re still interested in a month or two, ask the mutual friends whether they think he’d like to hear from you. My quick impression is that he likes you but is depressed and knows he’s not in a position to date. Give him the space he’s asking for. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/7 "2011-06-08T17:28:14Z")
To clarify- he didn’t ask for space…about a month ago _I_ said I was just trying to give him his space and he said thanks (and then we arranged and went on the second date). The statement in which he said he’d call me happened yesterday. But you’re right…I should drop it until he’s ready…he’s probably just not in the right place for any sort of relationship right now and the last thing I want to do is come across as a nutter. I think I’m just extremely disappointed in the situation, but there are other guys and I need to get over him if there’s nothing there. **Telcontar** that’s the best case scenario that I’m hoping for…I just feel terrible that all this happened to him all at once…maybe waiting it out is the best thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/8 "2011-06-08T17:31:22Z")
Whether it’s because of what’s going on his life or just general lack of chemistry, he’s not into you. Don’t take it personally. Move on. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > On preview - bike messengers? Try to find an actual man to date. Damn, woman – these guys seem to be riding into constant deadly danger, and you’re harshing on their manhood? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/9 "2011-06-08T17:34:18Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Bike messenger. That’s a relief. I was thinking “serial killer.” ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/10 "2011-06-08T18:03:32Z")
When I had a friend pass away I was incapacitated for a week and it was a new friend at that. 3 good friends or people I’d known awhile? I’m not exactly one for teh emotions or anything but I’d be a mess and totally unable to do anything other than work, sleep, eat and shit. My vote is for he’s had a rough time…just wait to hear from him. It could be awhile, so I’d try to get into other things in the meantime. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/11 "2011-06-08T18:28:12Z")
Deleted - too off-topic. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/12 "2011-06-08T18:47:04Z")
He’s not interested. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/13 "2011-06-08T18:55:19Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > He’s not interested. Possibly- Or he might just not be interested _enough…_ I have found the best thing for depression _ **is** _ limerence… so I think you might want to give up on him unless/until he decides to pursue you… ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/14 "2011-06-08T19:00:36Z")
i would move on, date others, and give him more space. If he comes back, and you are free, that’s great. But focusing on him now is just causing distress for you and putting pressure on him he’s not in a position to handle right now. I know it sucks if that helps 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/15 "2011-06-08T19:01:52Z")
I was in a very similar situation last year and it turned out the guy had some serious medical issues. I moved on after being played for Yo Yo Girl for a minute and dated someone else. That fell apart, the guy resolved his medical issues, and we got together earlier this year. Lesson #1: You just never know exactly what is going on in someone’s life, at this point in the game. Speculating is pointless. Lesson #2: It’s probably not you. Lesson #3: Sometimes, just standing by and being a good friend is what someone needs right in that moment. Anything more would be perceived as overwhelming pressure. If you take any further action wrt to this guy, make it one that takes the pressure of expectation _off_ of him. My advice: I’d tell him I’m there for him as a friend any time. And then I would go date the other boys. Keep up the friendship. Maybe it will evolve organically on its own, maybe not so much. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/16 "2011-06-08T19:03:40Z")
That’s a lot of tragedy for a person to be dealing with. It probably adds to his work stress on top of being a sign of mortality (something young people can struggle with in general) and the loss of actual friends on top of that is very difficult. So, I would say that there’s no real point in attempting to pursue anything right now. Maybe in a while he’ll need a distraction and ring you up, but there are no guarantees. Especially with the weird ways brains work, you might just be a reminder of things he’d rather not deal with right now. Sorry about the bad timing. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/17 "2011-06-08T19:12:55Z")
Thanks for the advice everyone. I’ll just let it go for now (unless he does in fact call me, which I’m realizing is not likely to happen)…his birthday’s coming up so I’ll wish him a happy birthday, but otherwise will cease contact with him. He’s probably just dealing with a lot and I don’t want to be a nuisance. ---
**Author:** ![Scubaqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@Scubaqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scubaqueen)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/18 "2011-06-08T19:44:00Z")
what everybody else said: don’t sit around waiting on him. go. do. you’ve given him all the right cues but the timing is very bad for him right now. if he’s interested at all - providing he gets his head screwed back on after everything that’s happened to him - he’ll eventually call. if he doesn’t, that’s life. move on. you can’t put yourself on hold for a guy who may not ever come through. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/19 "2011-06-09T04:14:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > On preview - bike messengers? Try to find an actual man to date. Damn. Harsh. > [@Telcontar](#): > > My quick impression is that he likes you but is depressed and knows he’s not in a position to date. Give him the space he’s asking for. My opinion is this. He probably likes you but isn’t crushing on you, so his desire hasn’t overcome his need to grieve. Back when I was depressed, the last thing I wanted to do was go out on a date. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758/20 "2011-06-09T06:39:18Z")
He’s not sending mixed signals. You just don’t like the signals he’s sending. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-dating-issue/584758.md?page=2)