# Advice on helping my bf **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 2, 2022, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587 "2022-10-02T18:44:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2022, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/21 "2022-10-07T18:17:43Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > We’ve been together over a yer, we are committed to each other. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I think you just answered any and all questions. 💓 ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/22 "2022-10-08T20:03:31Z")
I told him I wasn’t going to get him food unless he provides the money, a relationship is give and take. He said he’d give me some cash. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/23 "2022-10-08T21:14:29Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > His medicade and medicare pays for things, his meds and infusions are paid by his medical. He has no bills. You’ve got to know that it’s more complicated than “Medicaid and Medicare pay for things”, otherwise he wouldn’t be running around hiding assets. And every adult has bills, although sometimes those bills are paid by a family member or government agency. [https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/question/what-is-the-medicaid-marriage-penalty/](https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/question/what-is-the-medicaid-marriage-penalty/) Just don’t be stupid. And honestly, I think you’re being a little disingenuous, like you want us to pretend we’ve never read your previous postings about this relationship. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/24 "2022-10-08T21:23:28Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > He broke up with me a few times claiming he was happier single. Note-I am not difficult to be with. > We discussed marriage, he was for it but hesitant as he thought it might mess up his sdi and ssi. > He got jerky in august, where I’d just started to be his part time aide again. > I left. Heard nothing for weeks, til I texted his dad… Judging solely by the above words, this does not sound like the basis or foundation of a satisfying relationship for you. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/25 "2022-10-08T21:27:02Z")
Missed edit window I’m confused about something. In the OP, it sounds like your plan was predicated on you being his aide and the income ( I assume that “east money” was a typo for “easy money” ) that you would get for being his primary caregiver. But three posts back you said that you weren’t going to be his paid aide, you were just going to help out for free. How will you support yourself? Do you have other work aside from being his aide? ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/26 "2022-10-08T21:32:48Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > Why does anyone want to marry? I love him. Also, I’m a Christian, sex outside of marriage is a sin, in my beliefs. I think men using women for sex, which has become main stream in the last 50 years, is a poor deal for a woman. This is one one of the most damning indictments of religion that I’ve heard in a long time. You are certainly entitled to your beliefs, but you’ve already “committed” that sin, so getting married to essentially launder your bad deed strikes me as one of the worst reasons to ever contemplate marriage. And, if I may: sexual fulfillment is something that many women have taken ownership of. Having a sexual relationship without the confines of marriage is something they’ve chosen for themselves, and they aren’t considering it a poor deal for them. I don’t think your sexual mores fairly apply to these people. As for a broader opinion on the whole thing: > [@SuntanLotion](#): > > you can tell me to walk away This. From what I recall of your posts about this situation, you are very insecure and need a lot of validation. Weren’t you upset because he was interested in playing video games instead of sex? Even if he was stable, I do not believe that you are coming at this from a healthy place. You seem to be eagerly in search of companionship, but your life will only become a toxic mess if you get more intertwined with this person, who has his own immense personal problems to deal with. Don’t get married. Get a pet so you don’t feel so alone, and then consider counseling to address your emotional fragility. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/27 "2022-10-08T21:52:53Z")
I just got hired for 2 part time jobs.👍 ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/28 "2022-10-08T22:06:27Z")
I met him June of last year. Before that, I was happily unattached for 2 years. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/29 "2022-10-08T22:11:27Z")
If you were happy being unattached, then why attach yourself to this drama? Does it make your life more interesting? Is it your purpose in life to save people, (or at the least, him)? Does he offer you things others simply cannot give you? Being happily unattached means you are choosing to be in this relationship, and would be fine if you walked away. Are you fine if you walked away? ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/30 "2022-10-08T22:36:40Z")
Yes. When I left him last Nov, I was fine. He reached out to reconcile. If its not meant to be, I’ll be fine. I can wait and see what happens, if everything starts going south, I’ll be fine single. Re: sex. Women can have all the sex they want, for me, its best in marriage, physically and emotionally. I’m not telling anyone what to do. I still would’ve wanted to marry him. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2022, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/31 "2022-10-08T23:53:36Z")
You mentioned upthread that one reason he didn’t want to marry was that it would negatively affect his SSI and SDI benefits? Have you addressed those concerns or have you decided that you just don’t care? Because the income from your two new jobs may be considered joint income and that might trigger a recalculation of his benefits. Even a modest working class income can bring a couple over the limits for full benefits. I appreciate that you think sex is better in marriage, but there are situations, usually involving older people or people with disabilities, where marriage is financially disadvantageous and you should not ignore this. Many loving and committed couples forego marriage for financial reasons. Maybe you could have a religious ceremony while remaining legally single. And, although I don’t know if this is applicable, don’t let a pastor or religious leader pressure you into a financially disadvantageous marriage. I glanced at the link I posted upthread regarding the Medicaid marriage penalty, and while I’m not sure I interpreted it correctly I think I saw an interesting Catch-22. It seems like your ( the spouse’s) income may not count against his benefits _as long as he is in a nursing home_. Anecdotally, this had me thinking about a case my attorney (the one that helped my navigate my mother’s health care benefits) told me about. It was financially advantageous for his client to be in a nursing home (probably because of the rule I mentioned above), but the client really wanted to be at home with his family. So his family signed him out every morning and brought him back at bedtime every night. The point of this story is that you two should consult with an attorney or benefits specialist. You asked for practical advice and that’s what I’ve been giving you. I’m not passing any judgements on your relationship or telling you not to get married. I’m just telling you to lead with your head, not your heart. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/32 "2022-10-09T00:10:51Z")
I called Job and Family Services. His medicaid would not be affected. He must call social security to see if his mediCare would be. My total income would be about 1,000 a month. I don’t Need to make a lot, as where I live, its a third of my income for rent. Yes, hes offered the religious ceremony, but so many church people claim without the legal paperwork, its a sin. This doesn’t make sense; was the government signing off back thousands of years ago? ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/33 "2022-10-09T00:39:58Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > When I left him last Nov, I was fine. He reached out to reconcile. Why did you reconcile? His life is a mess. Why do you need that drama? Is it for lack of options? Does he offer you something unique that you can’t get elsewhere? Why not aspire to a better match? > [@SuntanLotion](#): > > I can wait and see what happens, if everything starts going south, I’ll be fine single. Then date him from a distance. Don’t cohabitate. Don’t get married. If you enjoy his company, spend time with him. But don’t become intertwined with his life while you “wait and see what happens” - don’t create legal relationships (like husband and wife, or even co-tenants), and don’t commingle funds. > [@SuntanLotion](#): > > so many church people claim without the legal paperwork, its a sin. Why does that matter to you? Do you socialize with these people? Do they have some other sort of sway over you? In my experience, “church people” make lots of claims, but none of them are worthy of any consideration. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/34 "2022-10-09T00:51:24Z")
I can say I have a bond with him. As for others opinions, no, but if it is a sin, he (or anyone else) isn’t worth missing Heaven for. I already told him that. We did have sex a few times in his room there. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/35 "2022-10-09T01:17:48Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > I can say I have a bond with him. Then my advice is to remain in contact, and spend lots of time with him. But don’t marry him. Or live with him. Or take on the obligation of running his life. That way leads to ruin. (I also don’t actually think you’ll agree with this. I think this guy’s situation has become your situation, and we’ll get future threads about _your_ troubled housing problems) > [@SuntanLotion](#): > > but if it is a sin, he (or anyone else) isn’t worth missing Heaven for. I think that’s nonsense, but I respect the fact that others feel otherwise. I guess it explains why you have resisted temptation for so long… > [@SuntanLotion](#): > > We did have sex a few times in his room there. Or not. Did you think God wouldn’t notice? Did you figure there was some loophole if you later got married, and that’s why it’s important to you now? I have a hard time understanding how you could actually believe that having sex outside marriage would deny you a place in heaven and then go and do it. I think religion is stupid - that’s why I fornicate outside of matrimony. Help me understand your logic. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/36 "2022-10-09T01:24:11Z")
I did it, with him and others, as I didn’t think I was worth it. If you believe you are worthwhile, you will wait to find a man who thinks you are, enough to marry you. I gave in because I thought no guy will date you if you don’t have sex. That used to be the Way for thousands of years. Men worked to win their womans heart. Would you go to an expensive car lot and say, Well, I’m not sure I really want to commit to this car, I’m going to drive it for years til I decide, but I’m not paying for it. I have rectified my mistake; I told him I was done having sex til I’m married. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/37 "2022-10-09T01:31:49Z")
He wants to get a full price apt. together. I won’t do that. Anything happens to him and I’d be homeless. No troubled housing here. Bad emotional choices, you can say. But I’m not taking chances with my money or housing. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_S](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@Max\_S](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_S)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/38 "2022-10-09T01:39:01Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > Did you think God wouldn’t notice? > > Did you figure there was some loophole if you later got married, and that’s why it’s important to you now? > > I have a hard time understanding how you could actually believe that having sex outside marriage would deny you a place in heaven and then go and do it. > > I think religion is stupid - that’s why I fornicate outside of matrimony. Help me understand your logic. I haven’t met a Christian who believes any person is beyond _salvation_ due to acts of fornication, provided he is repentant and not in a continuing state of sin. > Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: **Neither the sexually immoral nor** idolaters nor **adulterers** nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers **will inherit the kingdom of God**. And that is what **some of you were. _But_ you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.** ~ 1 Cor 6:9-11 ~Max ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/39 "2022-10-09T01:54:12Z")
You are mistaken. Repentance (some of you were) means you stop sinning. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_S](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@Max\_S](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_S)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2022, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587/40 "2022-10-09T01:55:46Z")
That’s what I wrote… “provided he is […] not in a continuing state of sin.” ~Max [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-helping-my-bf/972587.md?page=3)