# Advice on mother-daughter relationship issue **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2013, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492 "2013-07-14T17:49:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/41 "2013-07-15T22:39:41Z")
I go along with the majority, Mrs. Polerius is a witch! Burn her! Actually I have some sympathy. I remember when I found out my oldest son had arrived at the mistaken belief that his dad wasn’t the smartest, strongest, coolest guy on earth. It hurt a little. This will pass. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/42 "2013-07-15T23:03:48Z")
FYI, things are better today. Thanks for all the feedback. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2013, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/43 "2013-07-16T03:42:11Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Tell your wife not to be such a bad role model and maybe in the future someone will look up to her Or climb ladders a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2013, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/44 "2013-07-16T14:24:11Z")
Regardless of how the mother should feel, there’s a lot of truth in the old saying, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” A teenage daughter should write her a letter in which she identifies all (or at least a lot of) the things her mom does for her or the family or the house and how much she appreciates all these things and hopes she’ll do as well when she’s an adult. ---
**Author:** ![KSO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@KSO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KSO)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2013, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/45 "2013-07-16T22:58:33Z")
> [@Dendarii\_Dame](#): > > Regardless of how the mother should feel, there’s a lot of truth in the old saying, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” A teenage daughter should write her a letter in which she identifies all (or at least a lot of) the things her mom does for her or the family or the house and how much she appreciates all these things and hopes she’ll do as well when she’s an adult. I couldn’t disagree more. It isn’t the daughter’s job to make Mom feel good about herself, so why the hell should she be punished by writing a fucking letter to make her mother feel better? Mom needs to be the grown-up (perhaps by taking a long hard look in the mirror–the silent treatment? Really?) and, as others have pointed out, it’s no wonder the daughter looks up to Dad and not Mom. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/46 "2013-07-17T10:33:09Z")
My parents always said they could’ve been shining examples, but instead chose to be the horrible warning. They usually said this drunk. So yay for the OP’s wife: she is teaching by being the horrible warning! Lesson 1: how not to behave when confronted with something that makes you a teensy bit sad. Anyway, having _ **A Role Model** _ is weird. Nobody is perfect. Have different role models for different things. Despite their best efforts, my mum is my cooking role model, my papa is my science role model. There you go, problem solved. The OP has flaws and mum probably has some qualities, hidden beneath the immature huffiness. A flair for the dramatic, perhaps. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/47 "2013-07-17T10:47:12Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Yeah, in that case Mom should be grateful she’s not being called “the bitch” all the time, and not getting the “I hate you!” bit. A teen aged girls not being thrilled with her Mom, not wanting to be like her, afraid she actually is or will be? Wottashock. Exactly, a teenaged daughter favors her dad rather than her mom. News at 11. Also: The Simpsons did it. Too bad The Simpsons isn’t on Netflix. You could cue that episode up and make her watch it. ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/48 "2013-07-17T17:06:54Z")
I remember as a kid having my “favorite” parent flip-flop several times, and chances are good that your daughter has done the same thing. Was it non-PC to say this in front of your wife - Sure. But who the heck expects teenagers to be rational and PC? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/49 "2013-07-17T17:09:56Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > There are all sorts of variants. Limited by the imagination of the Victim, who is often the initiator. The only certainty is that there should be only one Victim. If there are two vying for the title, they will each cast the other as Persecutor. > > If you’re not the Victim, you can refuse to play Rescuer. But you can’t refuse to be Persecutor, because Persecution is anything the Victim says it is. However, you can refuse to accept the designation \* in your own mind\*. Which is where it counts! > > Sounding familiar still? You chose the word “familiar” on purpose, didn’t you? And the answer is yes. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/50 "2013-07-18T01:22:17Z")
> [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](#): > > Was it non-PC to say this in front of your wife - Sure. > But who the heck expects teenagers to be rational and PC? Remembering that other people have feelings is “PC”? ---
**Author:** ![aag3981](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/53a042/32.png) [@aag3981](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aag3981)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/51 "2013-07-18T07:12:49Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > I agree with Monstro mostly, especially the bolded part. some of you are pretty unfeeling. If she put her heart and soul into raising her daughter, it would hurt like HELL to hear what she did. The daughter made a gigantic mistake letting her parents overhear it. > > I suspect she needs some time to process it, by herself. Leave her alone until she comes around. The daughter should say NOTHING, and right now Polerius, there isn’t much you can say that wouldn’t sound like patronization or gloating. That’s silly. Saying her father is a role model is not saying anything negative about her mother. The mother is acting insecure and immature. I can see being disappointed by not being the first one that her daughter thought of at that very second, but to not speak to them is ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![aag3981](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/53a042/32.png) [@aag3981](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aag3981)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/52 "2013-07-18T07:26:28Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > As always, the age of the child is paramount here. Is this a fourth grader? Some who is 25? Somewhere between? > > If the girl is young then, Jezzus. Kids are not the parents. It is the job of parents to help their children learn how to deal with (contain is the term my therapist uses) emotions and not the responsibility of an elementary child to teach the parent how to deal with disappointments in life. > > Older children, then yes, they need to learn to take other people’s feelings into consideration. > > I’m still dealing with preschoolers, so it’s different, but it regularly comes up that the kids prefer one of us for some things and the other parent for others. When my daughter is hurt only Mommy will do, but when my son falls down, Daddy is magic. > > Children need to [del]reject[/del] develop separate identities from their parents at some stage. Some do it with an unbelievable amount of kindness and consideration to not hurt their parent’s feelings, and the rest are not fictitious characters. Why does the child’s age matter? She answered a question. Who is your role model? My dad. Nothing is said about mom. It doesn’t matter what age she is, a compliment to one is not an insult to another and acting as though it is, is immature. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/53 "2013-07-18T07:33:58Z")
> [@aag3981](#): > > Why does the child’s age matter? She answered a question. Who is your role model? My dad. Nothing is said about mom. It doesn’t matter what age she is, a compliment to one is not an insult to another and acting as though it is, is immature. The child’s age tells us how well she can be expected to understand and consider other people’s feelings. Also, do we know the wording of the question? Was it, “Who do you consider your role model?” or was it, “Which of your parents do you consider your role model?” Yes, it matters. When I was about four, my uncle asked me, in front of my mother, “Who do you love more, your mom or your babysitter?” At the time, I was spending more time around my babysitter, because my mother worked evenings, so I answered without thinking - my babysitter. As soon as I said it, and saw my mother’s expression, I felt terrible. I was four and couldn’t be expected to know ahead of time what impact my answer would have. The culpability lies squarely with my uncle for asking such an unfair question. If I’d been a teenager, I could have been expected to at least consider my mother’s feelings and use tact. ---
**Author:** ![browncoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f08c70/32.png) [@browncoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/browncoat)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/54 "2013-07-18T09:08:45Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > My daughter let is slip that, when asked who her role model was, she told people ‘my dad’. My wife heard that and is very hurt, of course. As in, won’t-talk-to-us hurt. > > What do you guys think are some steps I and/or my daughter can take to re-assure my wife and make her feel more loved and feel better? > > (I told my daughter that, even if she did have one parent as her role model, she should not have said that in front of us) Speaking as a parent I can to a point understand the hurt feelings BUT this is where being a ‘grown up’ and a parent should happen. Rather than showing she was hurt and not talking to you or your daughter perhaps praising the fact your daughter chose her own dad as a role model would have been better. As for your wife being re-assured emtionally I think apologising to your daughter would be the next step. YOU are the parent you should be makng your daughter feel loved, it’s not your daughter’s job to be the parent, if this is a ‘normal’ reaction from your spouse what message does that bring to your daughter? That said if your wife is that upset by it perhaps you should discuss it all together (obviously no idea what age your daughter is) have you asked why she chose you? ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/55 "2013-07-18T09:12:45Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > FYI, things are better today. > > Thanks for all the feedback. Glad to hear it. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/56 "2013-07-18T09:13:49Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > You chose the word “familiar” on purpose, didn’t you? Rewrote the sentence twice to get the perfect word 😉 ---
**Author:** ![aag3981](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/53a042/32.png) [@aag3981](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aag3981)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492/57 "2013-07-18T17:52:08Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > The child’s age tells us how well she can be expected to understand and consider other people’s feelings. > > Also, do we know the wording of the question? Was it, “Who do you consider your role model?” or was it, “Which of your parents do you consider your role model?” Yes, it matters. > > When I was about four, my uncle asked me, in front of my mother, “Who do you love more, your mom or your babysitter?” At the time, I was spending more time around my babysitter, because my mother worked evenings, so I answered without thinking - my babysitter. As soon as I said it, and saw my mother’s expression, I felt terrible. > > I was four and couldn’t be expected to know ahead of time what impact my answer would have. The culpability lies squarely with my uncle for asking such an unfair question. If I’d been a teenager, I could have been expected to at least consider my mother’s feelings and use tact. No it doesn’t. Her saying her father was her role model does not say anything about her mom. To miscrue is and make it about her is silly and imature. If she said Opera Winphrey, would she have acted like this? I can understand some dissappointment IF she were asked to pick between her parents, but her reaction is silly. Your uncle asked an unfair question, but that placed your babysitter in front of your mother. This is mother/father stuff. I feel badly for a woman that is so insecure that she reacts this way and I hope she finds a way to feel better about herself. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-on-mother-daughter-relationship-issue/663492.md?page=2)