# advice sought. Suspect Brother-in-Law a child molester/ into child porn **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 15, 2006, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750 "2006-06-15T00:35:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/241 "2006-06-17T18:58:53Z")
The anti-hair-cutting thing is very strange to me. It reminds me of those weird Mormon polygamist sects where all the women and girls have hair past their butts. **Kurahee** , it will be sad to see you go. ☹ We need more interesting and nice people like you here on the boards. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/242 "2006-06-17T19:09:04Z")
> [@cazzle](#): > > There are people who dislike cutting hair for ANY reason, even to keep it neat and get rid of the split ends. It may seem odd to the rest of us, but that hardly warrants citing it as evidence of bad parenting/mental illness/neglect, or whichever combination of these kurahee was trying to prove. Making your children miserable, subjecting them to torment from their classmates, and making them look unkempt - the net result of the hair and clothes stuff he describes - is not bad parenting? Anything short of out-and-out physical abuse is okay, or what? I’m not willing to take relativism quite as far as you are. The hair thing, in itself, is not just “odd” but rather “yet another sign there’s something seriously wrong with this family.” I suppose I’m a _little_ more inclined to understand it if they belong to one of those weird churches where women don’t cut their hair, although most of those churches are problematic for other reasons and raising your children as snakehandlers or Fundamentalist Mormons is child abuse in and of itself. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/243 "2006-06-17T21:12:18Z")
> [@Excalibre](#): > > Making your children miserable, subjecting them to torment from their classmates, and making them look unkempt - the net result of the hair and clothes stuff he describes - is not bad parenting? Anything short of out-and-out physical abuse is okay, or what? I’m not willing to take relativism quite as far as you are. The hair thing, in itself, is not just “odd” but rather “yet another sign there’s something seriously wrong with this family.” Exactly. That and it’s not just the hair by itself-it seems to be a lot of little things that add up. The kids clothing not fitting? When they can indeed afford better? That’s just wrong. Ill-fitting shoes can be very uncomfortable, too. ---
**Author:** ![Gamaliel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b487fb/32.png) [@Gamaliel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gamaliel)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/244 "2006-06-17T21:25:16Z")
> [@kurahee](#): > > Maybe he likes kiddie porn. I was in complete agreement with you until you said this. I don’t care what Frank did, this was too much. You got mixed up with an overagressive mod, he was wrong, you were right…but get the fuck over it already. ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/245 "2006-06-17T21:37:11Z")
> [@kurahee](#): > > b) She sells our gifts to the kids. That’s right. They live in a multi-million dollar home in a multi-million dollar neighborhood. And every summer, she holds a “yard sale”. I’ve seen gifts we’ve purchased for her children on the table. Is that normal? Or just odd? > c) As I’ve mentioned before, she does not permit her girls to cut her hair. Ever. No bangs, no split ends, no nothing. So they have to wear their hair pulled in a ponytail, and their hair is down to their butts. The son looks like a marine. The girls have begged my wife to take them to get their hair cut because other kids make fun of them, but they aren’t our children. The youngest one blows her bangs out of her eyes on a semi-constant basis so she can see. But cutting hair is **bad**. > [snip] They live a very good life. And yet, these kids are dressed like ragamuffins, and they often wear clothes/shoes that don’t fit. I’d wager that my wife has purchased at least half of their clothing. Ok, NOW we’re getting somewhere. Sounds like the problem isn’t the BiL at all, but the SiL herself. Giving TOYS away? Refusing to give them haircuts?? That’s outright neglect, bordering on psychological abuse. (Or maybe I’m biased…the behavior you describe is something I grew up with, except it was even worse – damn fundie parents!!) > [@](#): > > 1. BIL is extremely disconnected from the family, except for the oldest. Considering his psycho wife, that’s no surprise at all. And he’s probably close with his eldest daughter because she’s the only person in his life he’s able to love & trust. I think you & your wife need to change the discussion and stop thinking about what’s wrong with the BiL, but with the SiL. Everything the father’s done, can be explained away. The mother, however, clearly has serious issues. I don’t think it warrants a call to CPS, though…in fact, it’s best you leave them out of it. An investigation of any kind with only make things worse, at this point. I know, she’s your wife’s sister. That’s a problem. I don’t know if you can convince her to talk about her sister as the problem. Frankly, if I were in your shoes, I’d just walk away from the situation. Just walk away. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/246 "2006-06-17T22:37:27Z")
As others have said, there are perfectly rational explanations for a lot of this stuff. > [@kurahee](#): > > So, maybe that room is where he watches tv, keeps his financial history, and plays video games in private. True enough. If he’s got his computer and all of his game systems in there, it makes sens that he’d have an alarm systrem. He also might want to keep the door locked if he doesn’t want his kids playing with them. > [@](#): > > a) Right at the beginning of summer last year, her kids were infected with lice. An unfortunate, but normal childhood thing. Did she buy the lice shampoo on the market? Did she cut the kid’s hair? No. She made all the kids sit with mayo on their heads for hours, and she combed the mayo through their hair. Maybe that’s a normal approach. I’ve never heard of it. And after hours of the mayo bath, she sat and picked the lice out of the hair one by one. It worked, but I wouldn’t call it normal. Sure it is. A lot of people don’t want to put chemicals on their kids. As long as she combed out all of the nits and then washed their bedding, it should take care of the problem. (And you HAVE to pick out the nits "one by one, otherwise, you’ll never get rid of the lice.) I got lice once, and my grandmother used kerosene on my head to get rid of them. > [@](#): > > b) She sells our gifts to the kids. That’s right. They live in a multi-million dollar home in a multi-million dollar neighborhood. And every summer, she holds a “yard sale”. I’ve seen gifts we’ve purchased for her children on the table. Is that normal? Or just odd? It’s rude, but its not all that odd. Ever hear of “re-gifting”? People do this kind of thing all of the time. > [@](#): > > c) As I’ve mentioned before, she does not permit her girls to cut her hair. Ever. No bangs, no split ends, no nothing. So they have to wear their hair pulled in a ponytail, and their hair is down to their butts. The son looks like a marine. The girls have begged my wife to take them to get their hair cut because other kids make fun of them, but they aren’t our children. The youngest one blows her bangs out of her eyes on a semi-constant basis so she can see. But cutting hair is **bad**. Maybe they’re part of a religious faith which doesn’t allow it. (Pentecostal, maybe.) > [@](#): > > e) re-read the “if her dog wasn’t invited to the wedding, her children weren’t invited either” story. How can someone make this shit up? Again, rude but not all that odd. > [@](#): > > They live a very good life. And yet, these kids are dressed like ragamuffins, and they often wear clothes/shoes that don’t fit. I’d wager that my wife has purchased at least half of their clothing. A lot of people don’t believe in children having dozens of outfits. If you think about it, it is pretty wasteful, especially since most kids are happy in t-shirts and jeans. They don’t _need_ tons of fashionable clothes. As long as the clothes are clean and mended, that’s all that’s important. ---
**Author:** ![kurahee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f19dbf/32.png) [@kurahee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kurahee)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/247 "2006-06-17T22:57:34Z")
My double secret probation post. They are catholic. There is no rule against cutting hair as far as I have ever heard. The locks on the \*\*room \*\* are on the inside. I’m sorry I reused the word “bangs” She has no “bangs” really. It’s just the hair that doesn’t tie into a hair clip. But she blows it out of her face. Carry on. And please accept my apologies for re-entering again. I thought it was important to clear these points up. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/248 "2006-06-17T23:04:57Z")
> [@kurahee](#): > > First, I want to thank you all for your replies and suggestions. As you can imagine, this has been weighing on my wife and I for a while now. > > I’ll do my best to answer as many questions as I can. > > 1. My BIL is a professional, and makes a nice salary. But, he spends money like it’s water, and it’s always on himself. That’s his right, but he has THOUSANDS of DVD’s lining his 2500 sq. ft. basement. The basement looks like a cross between a high scale neighborhood gambling parlor and a children’s toy store. There are 12 TV’s in the house, they have EVERY video game technology (and associated games known to man) and anything else you can think of. You name it, they have it. He has movies that still have the plastic wrap on them. > > 2. They have no friends that I know of. One strange man who knows my SIL shows up at family functions, but my BIL is an introverted, oddball sort of guy. I’ve only seen one friend of his, a college friend. They currently don’t speak, but no one knows why. > > 3. No one in my wife’s family knows exactly what he does for a living, and he is very secretive about his life/work. If you ask him a casual question about work (or his social activities) and he doesn’t want to answer, he gives an odd look and walks away from you. It’s the weirdest behavior I’ve ever seen. Trust me, he’s not a spy and we aren’t talking about Mr. & Mrs. Smith assassin stuff either. At least I don’t think so. > > 4. BIL’s father is, believe it or not, a private detective. So, this has forced my wife and I to steer clear of P.I.'s. We can’t trust anyone that might know this guy and tip him off. Professional courtesy and all that. As in “I have a client that wants me to do a background check on your son.” I can see this spiraling out of control in no time. > > 5. The fortress of solitude - It had just been completed, and the door was open. There really wasn’t anything in there except his computer, a chair, a TV, and video games. This guy is in his 40’s, so you’d think the video games weren’t necessary. My wife and I wandered out there to see it and the door was ajar. We knocked and went in, just to see the completed work. We were in there less than 2 minutes, didn’t open a drawer, or turn on his computer. We walked out and he was standing 5 feet away from the door \*\*staring \*\* at us, in a way that made both of us feel uncomfortable. She’s known him for 20 years. On the ride home, she asked if it felt as if he was burning a hole in us. I told her I felt the same way. > > The door has three locks on it. No windows. And the home security system was hooked into this room. I find that to be a bit excessive for a private sanctuary to get away from the family. And the other thing is this guy \*\*NEVER \*\* works at home. He never brings work home and he doesn’t work long weeks. He’s supposed to be an “executive”, but I’ve never known an “executive” to not work a weekend now and then. Or always. I asked for a business card once, but that just made him leave the room. > > 1. My wife and her sister are not on speaking terms now. I have a feeling that there was something said about the kids. My wife used to take the kids to the mall or whatever, but as they grew older, they talked more and the access to the kids was gradually removed. Now, they don’t speak. What happened is my BIL put conditions on us giving birthday/christmas gifts to his kids. My wife objected. I won’t get into details here, but let’s just say a normal family would never thought of these conditions. My wife’s sister has never responded to my wife about these “conditions”, and hasn’t spoken to her since. It’s crazy. > > 2. My FIL and MIL refer to my BIL in all discussions regarding this family unit. He makes all of the decisions, not their own daughter. It’s very weird. “He” said this. “He” said that. My wife has suspected for years that her sister is mentally ill, and from what I’ve seen, I can see her point. She cares nothing about her appearance and lives in a VERY affluent neighborhood. She won’t allow her girls cut their hair, but her son has his head shaved. When we were interacting with them, the kids begged us to get their hair cut, but that’s not my role. I wouldn’t want anyone else doing things to myh kids I disapproved of either, so we never did it. But we did buy the kids shoes that fit, because my SIL wouldn’t buy shoes for her own children. Bizzaro-land here, folks. > > 3. My BIL and SIL are never in the same room during social events. Ever. I rarely see them speak. She seems very submissive to him, but I’ll admit, my exposure has been limited. An uncle on my wife’s side commented once that he thought it was the strangest marriage he had ever seen and figured there was some sort of “deal” worked out. She doesn’t work. He does. She has no control over the finances. She has to ask for money. And to give one classic example of this, she once complained that money was so limited that she was looking into a home equity loan so she could afford the children’s school lunches. (the kids are in private school). Huh? She’s either nuts, or he’s holding onto cash like there is no tomorrow. Or both. But I’ve never sensed even a whiff of affection between them, yet he has his daughter sit on his lap and he strokes her hair like she’s a pet. It really bothers me visually, but that doesn’t mean he has a hard-on while he’s doing it, or that there is anything abnormal about it. > > One more thing about this oldest daughter. She receives special treatment apart from her siblings like I’ve never seen. She had three birthday parties one year. That’s right, three. One for the family, one for her friends, and then some sort of neighborhood horse-riding party in the front yard. The other kids get one. She is daddy’s little girl alright. However, this leads me to my final point, which is… > > 1. Finally, odd behavior does not a child-molester make. We know that. So, it is a very sticky, uncomfortable thing we face. I don’t want to destroy this family on a hunch. And whoever stated that my gut is not something to listen to is right. A feeling is no reason to call the authorities. On the other hand, my wife has had the same feelings and we came to these on our own, only discovering each other’s thoughts after a long, uncomfortable conversation. And as much as I think the kids would be better off with other people, that’s not my call to make. And maybe they are happy in their dysfunctional world. After all, it’s all they know. But if they are being molested in any way, that is not acceptable. > > Perhaps the best course of action is to see what we can do anonymously. If it is found out that we were the ones who made the call, there would be a storm. My wife is pushing to do something now, but I’ve put the brakes on because it’s easy to judge without concrete facts. Neither of us are child psychology experts, so I wouldn’t even attempt a conversation with these kids to draw something out of them. Specifically the oldest daughter, who we are most concerned about. > > Thanks to those of you who gave me some insight into the “package” grabbing. I have to say, I was completely freaked out about it, and didn’t tell my wife for days. Doing that to an adult would never have occurred to me as a child, and it made me so uncomfortable, that I wondered why a child would do that. How could a child be comfortable touching \*anyone’s \* package, yet alone an adult’s? > > Finally, for the record, my wife’s family (and this is from my wife) is one where if there \*was \* anything going on, no one would want to know it. The social stigma would be too much for her parents to bear, and they would rather keep their mouths shut than face a problem. Because if you don’t speak about it, it isn’t happening. Ignorance is bliss. This bothers me most of all. When kids are involved, someone has to look out for them and do the right thing. I’d rather not get involved, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit back and do nothing. But if I get involved and we’re wrong, I’ll be damned too. ☹ > > Apologies in advance for any typos. You have no reason to call anybody about him. FIL is a PI? (I love these acronyms-OK?) The PI can or may already have done all that can be done. Many 12 year olds sit on daddy’s lap without lurid romances. If you walked into my private room and were looking around, you would get more than a burning look. (Not too much more, but I can understand his not overly loving you at the time.) Maybe his close relationship with daughter is because she is the only one that shows him reasonable filial affection. You don’t even know if strange acting mother has a psych disease, and, yet, you’re all ready to send dad to the pen for a kiddie porn rap? Kids genital behavior may be nothing more than the experiments that kids do at various ages. If it gets a shocked behavior from an adult, at a family gathering, perhaps others would want to see uncle or aunt X turn red in the face. On this one, I suggest you walk away. You seem too quick to jump too many guns, and anything that you do or do not do will turn out very badly. If getting them haircuts is outside of your parameter, consider that accusing father of inappropriate behavior with his daughter \*\*totally \*\*off limits. Please. hh ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/249 "2006-06-17T23:22:32Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > He strongly implied it. Someone else already dug up the exact quote, it’s in here somewhere. What do you think he means with all the “unknown income” talk? The OP had specifically linked that with the “secret room” and the child molesting, and implied that he seriously considered the possibility, at least. And to jump from those things to the production, or _even possession_ of child pornography (which the OP thought likely enough to put right in the title) is obviously absurd. An implication is **not** an accusation. The OP obviously feels that sometihg is wrong, but his purpose in starting this thread was to get various opinions. He put “suspect” in the title. Too many posters have picked at his evidence as if he meant it to be definitive. I have no idea what is going on in his life, or whether he has made it up out of whole cloth. However, if what he says is true, it would not be inconsistent with the facts for someyhing skeezy to be afoot. I do not understand the posters who are absolutely convinced that he is inventing this scenario, based on what little real information we have. ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2006, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/250 "2006-06-17T23:51:24Z")
> [@KGS](#): > > (3) Hi, Opal! > (4) Whenever making a list, be sure the 3rd item is always, “Hi, Opal!” (A general SDMB rule, not Pit-specific.) For all that is good and holy, please don’t. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![kurahee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f19dbf/32.png) [@kurahee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kurahee)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/251 "2006-06-18T00:17:51Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > On this one, I suggest you walk away. You seem too quick to jump too many guns, and anything that you do or do not do will turn out very badly. If getting them haircuts is outside of your parameter, consider that accusing father of inappropriate behavior with his daughter \*\*totally \*\*off limits. Please. > > hh I have to reply to this. I haven’t jumped any guns. I asked for opinions. Please. I know what this could do to the family if we are wrong. Why do you think I’ve kept my wife from making a call that she’s sure she needs to make? She’s known this man for 20 years. I’ve “known” him for 3. > [@Lissa](#): > > As others have said, there are perfectly rational explanations for a lot of this stuff. Of course there is. There are perfectly rational explanations for everything. If your child went to school with a black eye, maybe he got into a school yard fight. Maybe he fell off of his bike. Maybe he has a drunk for a father who used him for a punching bag. You can explain all of the behaviors and quirks away. I \*know \* that. > [@Contrapuntal](#): > > An implication is not an accusation. The OP obviously feels that sometihg is wrong, but his purpose in starting this thread was to get various opinions. Exactly. Thank you for stating it. I haven’t accused him of anything, but I did imply there may be a problem. That’s why I posted. If I ever made a phone call, I’d be making an accusation. Something that carried some weight. Right now, I want opinions. It may be a fine line to some, but it’s important. Finally, > [@Gamaliel](#): > > I was in complete agreement with you until you said this. I lost another one to DiTech! 😃 (I couldn’t resist) I was being _ironical_. I know nothing about **Frank**. His “personal involvement” remains unexplained and I used hyperbole for effect. His behavior, however, was most unmoderator-like. And I am guessing that if a regular poster pulled what he did, they would have been admonished for it. ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/252 "2006-06-18T01:14:53Z")
> [@kurahee](#): > > I haven’t jumped any guns. I asked for opinions. Please. **kurahee** , we are not talking about this thread. We are talking about the thought process that led to a thread which contains “suspect”, “child molester”, and “child porn” in the title. Those are words that get people’s attention. Makes them react. Makes them _hysterical_. > [@kurahee](#): > > There are perfectly rational explanations for everything. If your child went to school with a black eye, maybe he got into a school yard fight. Maybe he fell off of his bike. Maybe he has a drunk for a father who used him for a punching bag. You can explain all of the behaviors and quirks away. I’ve heard of cases where some stranger calls CPS because they saw a kid with a black eye, and jumped to the conclusion of physical abuse. And _any_ report to CPS starts an investigation. Even if they don’t send out a field agent (which can involve telling the child to strip down to his/her underwear, checking for more bruises), the investigation itself does go on permanent record, which can show up on a background check. > [@](#): > > If I ever made a phone call, I’d be making an accusation. Something that carried some weight. Right now, I want opinions. It may be a fine line to some, but it’s important. Not so fine as you think, but you did make the right choice – to come here anonymously, and listen for answers, instead of making it public. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/253 "2006-06-18T01:56:29Z")
I think if the shoe were on the other foot, and **kurahee** ’s neice was on here complaining that her father had been molesting her and her aunt and uncle did nothing, everyone would be “oh you poor baby” to her, and grinding **kurahee** and his wife into the dirt. As it is, he asked for opinions and has repeatedly stated that he has done nothing to call the attention of the authorities to the home. He has asked for opinions and help regarding a situation that is troubling him and his wife. So, he get called a troll, and accused of making up stories, and has his thread thrown into the pit. I’m kind of disappointed in some of the posters who have responded to this thread. **Kurahee** had stated he understands the problems which can result if he reports something which may not be going on. He also reports that he is not alone in his “feeling” about this, that his wife is more concerned than he is. Yet some of you persist in name-calling and accusations. I told a poster (in another forum) to check back in and let us know how she was doing, because the Dopers were some of the most supportive people I’ve ever dealt with. Did I lie to that person? Or should I have laughed at her story and called her names for posting it. I’m a member here, and intend to stay one. I have learned a lot here, and hope I can continue to do so. But this abuse I’m reading from some posters makes me wonder if I would dare to post about it if I had an issue I needed/wanted help with. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/254 "2006-06-18T01:58:35Z")
> [@Excalibre](#): > > Making your children miserable, subjecting them to torment from their classmates, and making them look unkempt - the net result of the hair and clothes stuff he describes - is not bad parenting? Anything short of out-and-out physical abuse is okay, or what? I’m not willing to take relativism quite as far as you are. The hair thing, in itself, is not just “odd” but rather “yet another sign there’s something seriously wrong with this family.” I’ve got to call bullshit. Granted, the clothes and shoes - if they are as badly fitting and as shabby as described - could and would contribute to making the children unhappy and give them problems fitting in at school, but not trimming your children’s hair does NOT make you a bad parent! IMO, it doesn’t even warrant the word “unkempt” as untrimmed hair doesn’t necessarily look that terrible if it is kept clean, brushed and neat. kurahee has added information that suggests the youngest child’s hair is in her eyes because it is poorly tied back which suggests that perhaps it isn’t being looked after properly and that’s more telling than the failure to cut it - again, IMO - but that wasn’t the initial point he raised. Yes, there may be something wrong with this family but most of the warning signs seem to be pointing at the mother - so why is this thread dedicated to the father? Does anyone else have the feeling that this family has a wildly variable income and poor money management skills? If he is bringing home a large paycheck one month and a tiny one the next, and they blow all their cash on luxury goods as soon as they get paid, then that would explain why they are wealthy and can’t afford school lunches, why the mother would use household ingredients to treat headlice rather than pay for treatments, etc. Things like haircuts and new clothes for the children may just get bumped down to the bottom of their priorities when the money does come in. That makes them selfish and irresponsible but it doesn’t qualify as abusive parenting and it doesn’t make them child molestors. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/255 "2006-06-18T02:09:02Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > An implication is **not** an accusation. The OP obviously feels that sometihg is wrong, but his purpose in starting this thread was to get various opinions. > > He put “suspect” in the title. Too many posters have picked at his evidence as if he meant it to be definitive. I have no idea what is going on in his life, or whether he has made it up out of whole cloth. However, if what he says is true, it would not be inconsistent with the facts for someyhing skeezy to be afoot. I do not understand the posters who are absolutely convinced that he is inventing this scenario, based on what little real information we have. Show me any piece of evidence that even remotely points to the BIL being a child pornographer. I don’t mean hard evidence, just something that even begins to actually indicate that he’s making kiddie porn or even collecting it. I don’t care about definitive – show me one single thing that actually suggests child porn as the title “suspects”. There are a few things that might be signs of molestation, but there is **not even the slightest hint of a suggestion** of child porn being involved in this at all. I’ll ignore the rest of your post since it’s obviously not addressed to me. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/256 "2006-06-18T02:18:22Z")
> [@cazzle](#): > > but not trimming your children’s hair does NOT make you a bad parent! The girls are desperate and begging to have their hair cut! Refusing to do so is bad parenting for several reasons. A child begging to have a normal grooming procedure done is not normal. They probably look strange to their peers, and it probably makes them feel alienated. This on top of the shabby clothes and limited lunch money. Do you remember middle school? Not fitting in because of weird clothes or hair is torture, and the effects last a lifetime. Also, having your parents refuse to respond to a perfectly normal and valid request (to get the hair cut) or provide you with sufficient clothing or lunch money causes hurt, confusion and resentment in the children. It’s abundantly clear that this family is majorly dysfunctional. The dad is extremely strange and the mother mentally ill. I don’t know whether the dad is into child porn, but to be worried about the kids is COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED! Finally, I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE SOME PEOPLE ARE PUTTING KURAHEE THROUGH THE WRINGER FOR BEING CONCERNED ABOUT THESE CHILDREN! YOU PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES. I haven’t seen this kind of asshattery on the boards in a long time. ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/257 "2006-06-18T02:42:22Z")
> [@SnakesCatLady](#): > > I think if the shoe were on the other foot, and **kurahee** ’s neice was on here complaining that her father had been molesting her and her aunt and uncle did nothing, everyone would be “oh you poor baby” to her, and grinding **kurahee** and his wife into the dirt… Well duh :smack: ! Of course, there would be some who would want to look at the national molestation statistics to see if the story was believable first! CMC fnord! ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/258 "2006-06-18T03:32:00Z")
Sorry I’m late, I’ve had limited internet access for the past few days. > [@kurahee](#): > > I’ve been very pleased with the maturity of most posters, even the ones that may question my “vibes”. That’s fine with me. I was also astounded to learn that others have had their packages grabbed by little boys. But if my memory serves, no one admitted to having their package grabbed by a 12 year old girl, and no female who replied said this was normal behavior. While I haven’t experienced package-grabbing, my niece once expressed unusual interest in my underwear–while I was wearing it. She spread open my zipper and peeked inside. She had been doing this often enough for her brother to try to warn me about it. She was ten at the time; my nephew was 13, and I had just turned 25. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/259 "2006-06-18T06:37:43Z")
**kurahee** , before you leave this thread, could you clear up these inconsistancies: > [@kurahee](#): > > I have a very healthy relationship with my siblings. [Link](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7491566&postcount=73) > [@kurahee](#): > > About 2 years ago, a big family squabble caused the rift between my parents and unfortunately my brothers. No one is speaking to me. **(snip)** my brothers (and their wives) followed lock-step with the crazy old man and have cut me off from my nephews and nieces. [Link](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7433480&postcount=5) Not my definition of a “healthy relationship” but YMMV. Perhaps you could elaborate? Also, can you explain this discrepancy: > [@kurahee](#): > > **(Re: The BIL and his daughter)** …he’s always putting her on his lap and she’s now 12 [Link](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7488972&postcount=1) > [@](#): > > **(Re: the “grabbing” incident)** It still bothers me, and it happened years ago. [Link](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7489195&postcount=14) > [@kurahee](#): > > And when a 12 year old girl grabs your package, come talk to me about what races through your head. [Link](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7492649&postcount=122) I’ll tell you what races through my head: how does this girl remain 12 years old for years on end? I noticed you failed to correct any of the posters who assumed this was a recent incident involving your 12 year old niece. How old was she? 9? 10? 11? Would those posters have drawn the same conclusions about the behaviour of a 9 year old vs. a 12 year old had you alerted them to their error? ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2006, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750/260 "2006-06-18T06:44:41Z")
> [@cazzle](#): > > **kurahee** , before you leave this thread, could you clear up these inconsistancies: > Not my definition of a “healthy relationship” but YMMV. Perhaps you could elaborate? > > Also, can you explain this discrepancy: > I’ll tell you what races through my head: how does this girl remain 12 years old for years on end? I noticed you failed to correct any of the posters who assumed this was a recent incident involving your 12 year old niece. How old was she? 9? 10? 11? Would those posters have drawn the same conclusions about the behaviour of a 9 year old vs. a 12 year old had you alerted them to their error? Oh, wow. And we all learn a lesson from the sharp-eyed **cazzle** about the value of a close reading. I guess that about wraps this one up. Been real, folks! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advice-sought-suspect-brother-in-law-a-child-molester-into-child-porn/360750.md?page=14)