# Adviced needed - I was driving my cat to be declawed in my Ford Expedition...
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [April 1, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607 "2010-04-01T18:06:13Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/1 "2010-04-01T18:06:13Z")
Need some Advice.
I was driving my cat to be declawed in my Ford Expedition (can you believe gas prices these days? $80 to fill the tank? Outrageous!). When I reached the Vet and gave her my cat I realized that I just cannot give her my customary 30% tip…I mean she is a big fat blimp! She’ll just spend it on fat food or something.
ANyway, my question - shouldn’t the declawing be paid for by UHC or something?
Thanks.
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### Author:  [@CannyDan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CannyDan)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/2 "2010-04-01T18:09:29Z")
Universal Health Care doesn’t apply in your little corner of the universe. Sorry. Try again next week.
And what are you doing driving your own cat around?!!? Trying to deprive me of income? I’m calling the union rep!
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### Author:  [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/3 "2010-04-01T18:18:15Z")
What a bunch of sissies we have here, wanting to have some fat blimp declaw their cat. Here’s what you need to do: Take the front tire off of the Ford, bolt the cat in it’s place, and then driv…, er, I mean have **CannyDan** drive around the block a few times. Problem solved, the cat will be declawed or something.
You do have to tip **CannyDan** though. Stupid union.
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### Author:  [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/4 "2010-04-01T18:21:12Z")
Just freeze the cat and beat the vet to death with it.
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### Author:  [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/5 "2010-04-01T18:24:17Z")
You’ll need the claws for that.
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### Author:  [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/6 "2010-04-01T18:26:46Z")
If you put the cat on a leash and have it run next to the Expedition it’ll get better gas mileage. Come to think of it, then leash the vet and have her run alongside on the way back.
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### Author:  [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/7 "2010-04-01T18:29:18Z")
In my day, we didn’t have the money to declaw cats. We had to eat napkin sandwiches or go hungry. This is why I don’t want to support any form of assistance to the lazy poor.
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### Author:  [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/8 "2010-04-01T18:33:08Z")
I think we need more information before giving you appropriate advice: are you circumcised?
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### Author:  [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/9 "2010-04-01T18:35:05Z")
> [@Pleonast](#):
>
> I think we need more information before giving you appropriate advice: are you circumcised?
I couldn’t think of a way to get cirumcision in there…my lack of imagination ☹
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### Author:  [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/10 "2010-04-01T18:43:39Z")
Ford Expeditions are great for driving around lots of of really loud black people. Didn’t you know that?
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### Author:  [@Buck\_Godot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Godot)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/11 "2010-04-01T18:48:52Z")
Now I’m not a racist but I really don’t think that people should be allowed to carry guns into the vets office.
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### Author:  [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/12 "2010-04-01T19:31:28Z")
After my fat black pharmacist refused to fill my Oxycontin, my ADD made me run over my pedophile neighbor’s unleashed pit bulls as I tailgated an Aspie riding helmetless on a loud-pipe Harley in the slow lane on the way to a gay wedding reception for non-tipping picky eaters. I blame liberals.
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### Author:  [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/13 "2010-04-01T19:34:57Z")
Oh, and the mods, of course.
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### Author:  [@CannyDan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CannyDan)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/14 "2010-04-01T19:43:22Z")
> [@Pleonast](#):
>
> I think we need more information before giving you appropriate advice: are you circumcised?
> [@BlinkingDuck](#):
>
> I couldn’t think of a way to get cirumcision in there…my lack of imagination ☹
Well, I could have helped you with a cheap do-it-yourself quick at-home circumcision, if you hadn’t already gotten your cat declawed!
You shoulda ast me…
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### Author:  [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/15 "2010-04-01T19:49:10Z")
This reminds me of that Verhoeven movie…
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### Author:  [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/16 "2010-04-01T20:03:21Z")
I haven’t read the thread, but you should freeze the cat and beat the vet to death with it.
Just like in **My Dog Skip**. Oh wait - it was the dog that died in that movie.
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### Author:  [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/17 "2010-04-01T20:05:59Z")
Offer to tip her only if she also circumcises the cat. Then when she does, tell her the tip is “Stop eating so much, fattie!”
You will be able to run away faster than she can waddle. There’s no way you can lose.
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### Author:  [@CannyDan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CannyDan)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/18 "2010-04-01T20:08:40Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#):
>
> …You will be able to run away faster than she can waddle. There’s no way you can lose.
Unless she read your user name…
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### Author:  [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/19 "2010-04-01T20:12:05Z")
That reminds of when I was driving my Hummer to get my puppy-mill dog fixed (and circumcised), and I almost ran over some fucking retard on some kind of faggoty little moped. I yelled “Geezus tittyfucking christ! That bike is gayer than cum on mustache! You get a free rectal examine with the purchase? Maybe a complimentary prostate-shine? FAG!”. He started yelling at me, but I couldn’t understand his messed-up talking - then I realized the queer wasn’t just a kinda-retard, but an actual full-on “Special Olympics” fell-out-of-Sarah-Palin’s-snatch retard. He jumped off his moped and lifted it over his head with his retard strength and chucked it at my hummer!
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### Author:  [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/adviced-needed-i-was-driving-my-cat-to-be-declawed-in-my-ford-expedition/534607/20 "2010-04-01T20:15:26Z")
If we put the Ford on a treadmill that can go up to 0.999999…_c_ (since we know nothing can actually reach the speed of light), behind one of three doors, and I reveal your cat behind one of the doors you didn’t pick, it doesn’t really matter if you open the first door you picked or not, because Bernoulli’s principle will make it fly anyway.
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