# Advise your daughter to "get married in \[her\] 20s." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 26, 2015, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638 "2015-02-26T03:30:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/181 "2015-03-04T12:48:32Z")
It’s worth noting in the thread I started in IMHO, not a single woman said this would be helpful advice. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/182 "2015-03-04T12:49:10Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Maybe there was a day when women were so powerless that marriage was absolutely essential to their survival and well-being, so settling for “OK” made sense. Yup, and because women’s standards have risen, it is not surprising so many men (particularly older, more traditional types) feel annoyed and threatened by that. It used to be that a steady paycheck, a working vehicle, a decent haircut and shave, and a basic understanding of dating rituals was all that it took for a guy to be deemed a catch. Nowadays, women actually expect men to do a lot more than earn money and empty the trash once a week. Oh the horror, right? But increased selectiveness is the natural consequence of women being able to fend for themselves, and there’s no getting around that unless we’re prepared to bar women from college again. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/183 "2015-03-04T12:58:28Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > But marriage is different. A lot of people are old-fashioned and actually plan to take marriage vows seriously. It’s not a temporary situation for them. It’s FOREVER. Who wants to be stuck with “OK” for the rest of her life? A woman can do “OK” all by herself. > . What is that old joke where a woman says “I’m tired of waiting for my dream boat and now I’ll settle for a rowboat”. Or “It’s a waste of time looking for that perfect man. You can learn to settle for ‘eh - you’ll do’”. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/184 "2015-03-04T14:06:56Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > People also end up marrying those they are around a lot. so that’s why we see so many doctors married to other doctors, lawyers married to other lawyers. What a stunning observation. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/185 "2015-03-04T15:25:54Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > Quite so. Then again, 70% of divorces are initiated by women. > > Which proves… what? Perhaps that men have trouble MAKING commitments and women have trouble keeping them. Couldn’t possibly have anything to do with women - just “settling” for the first OK guy that comes along to fulfill dreams of marriage and children. Nope. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/186 "2015-03-04T16:27:06Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Couldn’t possibly have anything to do with women - just “settling” for the first OK guy that comes along to fulfill dreams of marriage and children. But men often “settle,” too. Why aren’t they initiating an equal percentage share of divorces? ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/187 "2015-03-04T17:36:34Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > But men often “settle,” too. Why aren’t they initiating an equal percentage share of divorces? Because many find it easier to just check out of their marriage by cheating and other ways of screwing around. That way he can get the freedom he wants, without any of headaches that come with divorce. Chronically misbehaving and poor performing students are often expelled or flunk out. Why, when they could just voluntarily drop out before it comes to that point? It’s because they don’t have any incentive to leave on their own. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/188 "2015-03-04T17:54:41Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > But men often “settle,” too. Why aren’t they initiating an equal percentage share of divorces? you with the face makes some good points, but my point was not necessarily to talk about why women are divorcing, but to point out the interesting dichotomy that women are being simultaneously told to “settle” and then also having it pointed out that we are the ones to institute divorce. It just seemed odd. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/189 "2015-03-04T17:55:50Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > But men often “settle,” too. Why aren’t they initiating an equal percentage share of divorces? I take it you’ve never heard “It’s cheaper to keep her”. Men typically have a lot more to lose financially in a divorce than a woman does. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/190 "2015-03-04T17:58:25Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I take it you’ve never heard “It’s cheaper to keep her”. > > Men typically have a lot more to lose financially in a divorce than a woman does. I was going to post something about this but then I began to wonder. Is this really true? I mean, if I leave my SO now, sure he makes more money than I do, but half of all the stuff in the house is mine, no matter what anyone says. And if I had kids, he might have to pay child support but I have to actually support the child! With the income gap narrowing (although not perfect) I wonder if this is still the case. i think maybe men are just more content with the status quo? But I am not sure. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/191 "2015-03-04T18:00:15Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > But men often “settle,” too. Why aren’t they initiating an equal percentage share of divorces? Because who filed the paperwork is not necessarily a reflection of who wants or causes the divorce. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/192 "2015-03-04T18:09:00Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I was going to post something about this but then I began to wonder. Is this really true? I mean, if I leave my SO now, sure he makes more money than I do, but half of all the stuff in the house is mine, no matter what anyone says. And if I had kids, he might have to pay child support but I have to actually support the child! With the income gap narrowing (although not perfect) I wonder if this is still the case. > > i think maybe men are just more content with the status quo? But I am not sure. My theory is that women still do an overwhelming amount of the housework. So a man in a non-performing marriage is still coming home to a hot meal and clean socks, leaving him with some benefits even if the affection and trust isn’t there. While a woman in a non-performing marriage not only isn’t getting affection and trust, she’s also stuck doing a bunch of extra work. So men divorcing in this scenario would lose a live-in maid, while women lose an unpaid second job. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/193 "2015-03-04T18:13:19Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > My theory is that women still do an overwhelming amount of the housework. So a man in a non-performing marriage is still coming home to a hot meal and clean socks, leaving him with some benefits even if the affection and trust isn’t there. While a woman in a non-performing marriage not only isn’t getting affection and trust, she’s also stuck doing a bunch of extra work. > > So men divorcing in this scenario would lose a live-in maid, while women lose an unpaid second job. This is also what I thought. And the man has her raising his children. Plus, I do think that it’s still easier for men to step out on their marriages than women. But whether that is the case or not, it does seem like men step out for sex, which is fairly easy to find, and women want love and companionship as well as sex. There are of course exceptions to the rule - to all rules. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/194 "2015-03-04T18:20:46Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I was going to post something about this but then I began to wonder. Is this really true? I mean, if I leave my SO now, sure he makes more money than I do, but half of all the stuff in the house is mine, no matter what anyone says. And if I had kids, he might have to pay child support but I have to actually support the child! With the income gap narrowing (although not perfect) I wonder if this is still the case. > > i think maybe men are just more content with the status quo? But I am not sure. I think a woman is more likely to divorce her husband when her finances are lined up the right way and/or she has an escape hatch (lover or a friend willing to put her up for awhile). So yeah, there are plenty of women who are afraid to leave their husbands because they know they’d be giving up a lot. But eventually, for lots of women, that fear ceases to be a part of the equation. I have no doubt that as the wage gap shrinks, it will be “cheaper to keep _him_” rather than “her”. Which is all the more reason that career-minded women are well-justified in their pickiness. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/195 "2015-03-04T18:32:56Z")
Disagree. Get married when (A) you find the right mate, and (B) you’re ready. I married just before I turned 30. That was 28 years ago and I still have no regrets. I’m really glad I didn’t marry anyone else earlier. > [@Sattua](#): > > And may I point out that according to this article’s internal logic, if you haven’t married by 30, you’re _in_ the reject bin. No need to get snotty about the company. lol > [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > I’d advise her to check her oil and be sure the spare isn’t flat. When she starts her family is not my business Well put, especially for a slithy tove. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/196 "2015-03-04T18:50:53Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > i think maybe men are just more content with the status quo? But I am not sure. Men might be perfectly willing to break up with their wives, but hesitate because they don’t want to become every-other-weekend dads. Women–because they tend to be the primary caregiver–are less reluctant to pull the trigger because they anticipate having full custody. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/197 "2015-03-04T21:32:44Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Because who filed the paperwork is not necessarily a reflection of who wants or causes the divorce. The statistics on who initiates divorce are not based on who files the paperwork. See, e.g. [http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce.pdf](http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce.pdf) ---
**Author:** ![Jman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jman/32/4416_2.png) [@Jman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jman)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/198 "2015-03-04T22:04:52Z")
My wife and I got married in our 20s, and its worked out so far. I was 26, she was 25. We didn’t have kids until 30/29. I’ll definitely be telling my daughter (who is 6 now), “Marry when you find someone you want to marry, who also wants to marry you.” “Oh, and wait until you both complete your educations.” Other than the last part, I think the best advice is to marry when you find the person worth marrying. It’s not worthwhile to settle for someone who won’t make you truly happy simply because you’re going to be 30 soon. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/199 "2015-03-04T22:18:18Z")
> [@furt](#): > > The statistics on who initiates divorce are not based on who files the paperwork. > > See, e.g. [http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce.pdf](http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce.pdf) But it’s still about who started the procedural act of getting a divorce, rather than who started the emotional act of ending a marriage. I don’t know what the gender breakdown is on gender and infidelity, abuse and neglect is. But in cases where someone is doing something bad, it’s normal for the other party to be the one who forces the divorce. It’s like trying to judge a place of work by how many people they fire- that information isn’t useful unless you also know how many people resign. ---
**Author:** ![Gaudere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e495f1/32.png) [@Gaudere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gaudere)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2015, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/200 "2015-03-04T23:53:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Men typically have a lot more to lose financially in a divorce than a woman does. There’s varying numbers, but even the “low” end of stats that dispute the “high” numbers say on average men’s standard of living increase about 10% while women’s declines 27%. (The “high” numbers said women’s standard of living decreases 73 percent in the year after divorce while men’s increase by an average of 42 percent. ) [http://www.nytimes.com/1996/05/09/garden/influential-study-on-divorce-s-impact-is-said-to-be-flawed.html](http://www.nytimes.com/1996/05/09/garden/influential-study-on-divorce-s-impact-is-said-to-be-flawed.html) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638.md?page=11)