# Advise your daughter to "get married in \[her\] 20s." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 26, 2015, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638 "2015-02-26T03:30:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/41 "2015-02-26T17:43:44Z")
> [@furt](#): > > I don’t know that “get married in your 20s” is the best advice, but “stop thinking you have forever, and if marriage/kids are something you want, start thinking about it now and be open to the possibility” is. Is this an actual problem, though? I have a lot of single female friends in their early 30s, and they are acutely, even obsessively, aware of and able to articulate their current dating prospects and how that fits in with their imagined future. That doesn’t mean they all automatically make dating-oriented decisions (I know a couple who are moving overseas- which usually makes it harder to find mate.) But it’s not like there are hordes of 30 year olds that are just completely unaware that their choices involve trade offs and they aren’t 22 anymore. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/42 "2015-02-26T17:48:52Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Is this an actual problem, though? IMO, yes. And the problem isn’t that the 30 year olds aren’t aware that they aren’t 22 anymore, it’s that the 22 year olds don’t realize they’re gonna be 30 sooner than they think. I refer you to [Garfunkel and Oates.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-gfxjAaZg0) ---
**Author:** ![Surreal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@Surreal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surreal)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/43 "2015-02-26T17:49:21Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/44 "2015-02-26T17:57:33Z")
> [@furt](#): > > No, it seems quite straightforward common sense. > > A woman getting married later generally means she prioritized her career, and so we would expect her to make more. A woman getting married young is more likely one that is prioritizing motherhood and family. A guy getting married later might have been career-focused … or he might just have been screwing around. A guy getting married in his 20s – which is statistically much less common – suggests a guy that is especially focused, disciplined, mature etc. Moreover, since marriage often means kids, young married men are more motivated to work hard to earn more and provide, whereas young married women might be working outside the home less or not at all. > > So no, not “screwy,” just men and women having different situations, motives, and thus outcomes. No, it’s screwy. Men who “prioritize fatherhood and a family” don’t get financially screwed for the rest of their lives. They get a nice little bonus. Aside from what- six weeks of maternity leave- there is nothing inherent to motherhood that should make us take on the full financial hit of raising kids. If they expect young women to embrace parenthood and family, they have to find some way to make it not a losing deal, not feed us a bunch of scare stories about how our ovaries are going to shrivel into raisins the day we turn 30. Note that the average age of first marriage for men is only 2-3 years later than women, so your “young guys are just more put together” theory fails. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/45 "2015-02-26T18:07:11Z")
> [@furt](#): > > A guy getting married in his 20s – which is statistically much less common – suggests a guy that is especially focused, disciplined, mature etc. Cite? According to [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_at_first_marriage), in the U.S. the average age for first marriage for women is 27 while it is 29 for men. Which means two things: 1) a mere two years separates the genders in age and 2) half of married men become married in their 20’s. I really don’t get the hand wringing and sermonizing over this subject, to be honest. Ultimately, human relationships aren’t dictated by statistical trends. It mostly boils down to whom is attracted to whom and the desire to settle down. If the trend is moving towards later marriage, then this suggests the traditional model for relationships is losing its appeal or viability. You can’t buck this by lecturing from on high. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/46 "2015-02-26T18:14:49Z")
> [@furt](#): > > IMO, yes. > > And the problem isn’t that the 30 year olds aren’t aware that they aren’t 22 anymore, it’s that the 22 year olds don’t realize they’re gonna be 30 sooner than they think. I refer you to [Garfunkel and Oates.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-gfxjAaZg0) It doesn’t take anywhere near 8 years to make a baby. I adventured through my 20s, came back for grad school at 29, and had a great husband and a beautiful baby by 33. It would have been _dumb as rocks_ for me to have been losing sleep about my dying follicles and waning marriage value at 26. My married friends have similar experiences. As you get older, there is less need for years of dating and engagement to get from A to Z. Think ahead, sure. And build in some wiggle room. But that means a couple years, not spending some of the most critical years of your life embroidering your trousseau and freaking out that you are going to die alone. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/47 "2015-02-26T18:22:52Z")
I’ll also point out what should be obvious but always seems to be overlooked in these discussions. Men historically are the rate limiting step in marriage, not women. They are the ones who do the proposing and they are the ones who usually need to the most prodding to make the commitment to propose. Girls are usually indoctrinated from an early age on the value of being a wife and mother. Boys are more apt to see themselves as astronauts and pirates before they see themselves as future husbands and fathers. So why, again, is this advice about marrying young aimed at _women_? If the traditionalists want to make more headway, they should be focusing on the men. But of course this will never happen because boys will be boys, amirite? ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/48 "2015-02-26T18:33:34Z")
I wasn’t dumb enough to tell my daughters anything, but I assumed they’d get married when the time and the guy was right. The right time was the late 20s for both of them. Much sooner a late marriage to a good person than an earlier marriage under time pressure to a loser. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/49 "2015-02-26T18:39:07Z")
I would never advise my daughter who or when she should marry. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/50 "2015-02-26T18:40:17Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > The average age of first child is 25. And breathless scaremongering aside, most healthy women will be able to have children when they decide to. I know several women who’ve had problems having children, or decided not to have them for medical reasons. All of them I can think of already had those problems in their 20s; many of them knew about them in their 20s, as well (including some whose problem was ginecological). > [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > This is the sort of thing that is very dependent on what culture/subculture you live in. Definitely; a lot of my acquaintances who got married in their 30s had been living together for years. ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/51 "2015-02-26T18:43:05Z")
I was married at 20 and luckily it worked out well for me. But I wouldn’t advise it as a general rule. I was a very mature 20 for a variety of reasons, but that isn’t the case with a lot of young people. If I had it to do over, or had a daughter to advise, I’d target the 25-29 range. You’ve had time to get out in the workplace and see if you liked it. You’re still in the prime of your childbearing years, you are likely to be developed enough as an individual not to lose your identity in a marriage as that eventually leads to losing your equality in the marriage. Still and all, I’d never say you should get married at a certain age or by a certain date and put pressure on someone to marry before they are ready or marry the wrong person just to get married. As all of us who’ve ever been married can testify, marriage is never what you think its going to be. It can be better or it can be worse, but it’s not what you thought it would be. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/52 "2015-02-26T18:48:29Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > No, it’s screwy. Men who “prioritize fatherhood and a family” don’t get financially screwed for the rest of their lives. They get a nice little bonus. Aside from what- six weeks of maternity leave- there is nothing inherent to motherhood that should make us take on the full financial hit of raising kids. > > If they expect young women to embrace parenthood and family, they have to find some way to make it not a losing deal, not feed us a bunch of scare stories about how our ovaries are going to shrivel into raisins the day we turn 30. When people say things like this, I understand why the divorce rate is what it is. Unless you have cites to the contrary, there’s no “bonus” to getting married. It may have been common at one time, but in 2014, no employer is gonna dish out an extra $10k to an employee because the guy gets hitched. It’s illegal, for one thing. It’s possible that employers perceive married men as more safe/responsible/trustworthy, etc. and thus pay them more … but then there’s a lot of evidence that those men _are_ all those things. On the other hand it’s completely logical for a married man, especially one with kids, is going to work harder to get a promotion/sell more cars/whatever, and the higher income is a result. It’s hardly like that extra income goes to his secret stash for hookers and blow – it’s money he’s bringing home to enable a better life for his family. And the lower income the wife is the other side of the coin. I don’t think many women who choose to leave the workforce to raise kids think doing so is some kind of “losing deal” … it’s what they chose. They’re not “taking the financial hit,” they’re choosing different priorities, and the men’s higher income is the other side of the story – they have to work harder to enable that choice. To put it concretely: Husband and wife both make $40k. He gets a promotion, to $50k, and they decide to have kids. He continues to advance, and five years later is making $70k. Meanwhile, she leaves the fulltime workforce, and just pulls in $10k a year working part time. Is he “getting a bonus?” Of course not. His higher salary has gone to the family, and it’s safe to say he’s had less personal disposable income over the last five years, not more. Is she “paying the price?” Of course not. She’s made less money, but she’s also spent lots more time with her kids during the most important years. Maybe some part of her misses her old job at Soul Deadening Cube Farm, Inc (I suspect few women who make that choice really do), but that was the choice she/they made. A marriage is a team activity – at least if it’s a remotely healthy one – but you’re talking as they are independant economic entities engaged in a zero-sum negotiation. That seems “screwy” to me. Sorry you found the video to be a “scare story.” > [@](#): > > Note that the average age of first marriage for men is only 2-3 years later than women, so your “young guys are just more put together” theory fails. 1. I made no such suggestion. I said young guys who get married earlier are marginally more likely to be “focused, disciplined, mature etc.” than guys who wait until their 30s. And note that that focus, discipline, etc. is not necessarily before the marriage; there is robust evidence that marriage tends to \*make \*men more focused, disciplined, etc. 2. 68% of women are married at 30. Only 56% of men are. I think that 12% difference in a self-selecting population is more than enough to account for some pretty big differences. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/53 "2015-02-26T18:55:39Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Cite? JMHO, IME. > [@](#): > > I really don’t get the hand wringing and sermonizing over this subject, to be honest. Ultimately, human relationships aren’t dictated by statistical trends. It mostly boils down to whom is attracted to whom and the desire to settle down. Not sure who you think is sermonizing, but I think there’s a pretty big middle ground here. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/54 "2015-02-26T19:02:46Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Even if we accept that what you say is true (decreasing signal-to-noise ratio with age), I see little wisdom in encouraging people to accelerate a major life decision because of fear of what could happen if they don’t accelerate that decision. It’s the same as telling women that if they want kids, they’re statistically better off having them earlier in life. Sure women can have kids in their 40s, but from a biological standpoint, it’s considerably riskier for the mother and the child. There’s no judgment here- just a statement of biology. It’s the same thing for relationships/marriage; the pool of eligible mates DOES dry up somewhere in the mid-late 30s, and a lot of people aren’t prepared for that in their 20s, and just blithely assume that things will continue along the same route. Now that doesn’t mean that I’m advocating that people cut corners to have kids or get married, but I am saying that they should be aware of the phenomenon so that they know what they’re getting into if for whatever reason don’t get married until later. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/55 "2015-02-26T19:12:05Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Girls are usually indoctrinated from an early age on the value of being a wife and mother. I’m not sure this is quite the full story anymore. Yes, wifedom and motherhood is part of it, but especially for upper-middle class types, women get pressured to do more. **even sven** ’s life script is more like the ideal, but planning it that way in advance doesn’t leave much room for error or unpredictable events. If a woman waits until she’s 29-33 to start even being open to marriage, and then something knocks the schedule off – maybe health issues, or just winding up in a situation where there are few eligible guys, or perhaps you get married and the first few years are rocky and you don’t want to have kids right away – you’re pretty quickly hitting the biological clock. The reality is boys/men can indeed screw around playing pirate longer – not forever, but longer – and still hope to settle down. That’s just biology. > [@](#): > > So why, again, is this advice about marrying young aimed at _women_? If the traditionalists want to make more headway, they should be focusing on the men. But of course this will never happen because boys will be boys, amirite? Frankly, I don’t see many traditionalists giving this advice to women. Go to any Christian Bookstore and you’ll see lots of books about how men need to “Man up,” etc. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/56 "2015-02-26T19:20:02Z")
My advice would be that a parent should never give advice to their kids about when to marry. They have enough stress from parents without being warned they’re about to become spinsters. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/57 "2015-02-26T19:46:56Z")
> [@bump](#): > > It’s the same as telling women that if they want kids, they’re statistically better off having them earlier in life. Sure women can have kids in their 40s, but from a biological standpoint, it’s considerably riskier for the mother and the child. There’s no judgment here- just a statement of biology. The idea that women even need to be told this is kind of ridiculous. It’s like reminding a guy that their sexual stamina is not guaranteed for life, or for that matter their hair. What is the agenda behind stating the obvious? When women choose to have kids, lots of factors go into that. Rarely does it all boil down to probabilities about one’s fertility. Having a decent man to help parent, having a roof over one’s head, being educated enough to have career options, etc. all of these things matter more. So stating the obvious (it’s easier to get pregnant when you’re young vs old) is not very helpful. When I was at peak fertility, I was single. Why was I single? Because I was surrounded by poor dating prospects. Why was I surrounded by poor dating prospects? Hell’s I know, because it wasn’t like I wasn’t looking. I wanted the same things that young married women wanted and were presumably able to find early in life. The difference was that it hasn’t come to me until late. > [@](#): > > It’s the same thing for relationships/marriage; the pool of eligible mates DOES dry up somewhere in the mid-late 30s, and a lot of people aren’t prepared for that in their 20s, and just blithely assume that things will continue along the same route. It doesn’t dry up so much that it’s end of the world, though. Plenty of people settle down in their 30’s and start families without any problem. I can think of few things worse than letting a scarcity mentality guide one’s mate seeking behavior, and this is exactly what this “common sense” encourages. A lowering of standards just so you won’t be a loser in life’s game of musical chairs. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/58 "2015-02-26T19:52:42Z")
> [@furt](#): > > I’m not sure this is quite the full story anymore. So you think boys are the ones receiving dolls and easy-bake ovens for Christmas now? Girls are being encouraged to pursue careers more than ever, but motherhood and marriage are still very much a part of our cultural programming moreso than it is for boys. Until that stops being the case, I see no reason we should be admonishing women to change their priorities in life. As long as the male side of the equation is encouraged to extend adolescence well past their 20’s, women have valid reason for delaying marriage. Advice to the contrary is actually bad advice. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/59 "2015-02-26T19:56:43Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > And yet older couples get divorced less frequently than younger ones. Which tells me compromise can be difficult for both young and old, and it’s hard to say which camp you fall into unless you’ve lived both sides. > > In my mid-20’s, I lived with boyfriends and found it fairly easy to make the necessary compromises to keep the peace with them. But marrying them would have been BIG mistakes. These relationships ended because we weren’t compatible. They were unhappy marriages waiting to happen. I’ve known of people who got married in their 40s or even 50s and had trouble adjusting and even more who are in their 40s, 50s or older and will never get married because there is no way they could adjust or make the slightest change in their lifestyles to accomodate a spouse. But there’s something that they all have in common- they were never married before and either never lived with an SO or haven’t done so for a couple of decades. It’s one thing to get married for the second time in your forties , or to get married for the first time in your forties after spending a good part of your twenties and thirties in live-in relationships. You’re already accustomed to the idea of living with someone else and the idea of compromising and accomodating . It’s something else entirely to get married in your forties after having spent the last twenty years living alone and on your own schedule. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/60 "2015-02-26T20:08:53Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > not feed us a bunch of scare stories about how our ovaries are going to shrivel into raisins the day we turn 30. 30 is an exaggeration, but there are definitely some women nowadays, I think, who have been fed the notion that fertility and pregnancy can still be taken for granted into one’s 40s. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638.md?page=4)