# Advise your daughter to "get married in \[her\] 20s." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 26, 2015, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638 "2015-02-26T03:30:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/101 "2015-02-27T18:45:30Z")
I will concede all of this advice is helpful for women who have never watched TV or read a women’s magazine, have no female friends, and have spent their adult life in a coma. Everyone else, I think, has probably heard that daring isn’t always easy before. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/102 "2015-02-27T18:52:31Z")
Every time I read threads like this I find myself so glad my culture still believes in using matchmakers. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/103 "2015-02-27T19:27:59Z")
It’s interesting that for men, there is no such thing as being too successful, as far as attractiveness or “marriageability” id concerned. But for women, being highly successful can actually limit one’s prospects. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/104 "2015-02-27T20:06:52Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > It’s interesting that for men, there is no such thing as being too successful, as far as attractiveness or “marriageability” id concerned. But for women, being highly successful can actually limit one’s prospects. I actually can’t think of _any_ widely esteemed quality that men are routinely pressured to downplay. Prettiness comes the closest, and even then, pretty boys have their fans. But lots of women, particularly if they are past a certain age and are still single, get told that guys are turned off by them being: - too smart - too confident - too ambitious - too independent - too capable - too tall - too rich “Too intimidating” is what this is commonly called. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/105 "2015-02-27T21:06:38Z")
Are there really a ot of parents who care more about their daughter’s marriage prospects than whether she’s developing into an independent, well-rounded, self-actualized individual? I can’t imagine too many middle-class parents feeling proud of a daughter who eschews college and graduate school to be a wife and mother. Maybe if that daughter isn’t academically inclined or career-minded, they would be fine with this. But most parents encourage their daughters to do well in school, so they an go to a good college and get a good career. And many middle-class daughters rise to the occasion. You can’t seriously expect a young woman to be “all that she can be” academically and financially and expect her to simultaneously be a wife and mother. Not with current gender roles. So something has to give. Are parents really prepared to watch their daughters make choices that can lead to a lifetime of financial hardship (like marrying the first loser who comes knocking on her door), just so they can have some grandkids? ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/106 "2015-02-27T22:05:05Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Your friend is content, so I don’t think her life is all that sad. It may seem sad to you because you have something she doesn’t have. But that’s projection. There are so many sad, pathetic, angry people who have SOs that the mere absence of one doesn’t signify anything about the quality of a person’s life, IMHO. I didn’t say her life’s sad, or anything like that. I just get the impression that she feels like she’s missing something, or that she’s not as happy as she used to be. And for what it’s worth, I didn’t meet my wife until I was nearly 32, and didn’t end up getting married until I was just past 35. That’s part of why I’m so… passionate about this- I almost got bit by it myself, as the pool of single, non-crazy, non-27-cat-having women shrank almost to nothing about a year after I got serious with my wife. It was the damnedest thing- everything was cool, and then within the span of about a year (about 1 years after meeting my wife), everyone just sort of paired off/got married and/or quit going out in big groups. It wasn’t so strange for married/paired up couples, because we just went out with each other, but the single people just sort of faded out. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/107 "2015-02-27T22:19:58Z")
It seems to me that this really goes back to “the heart has it’s reasons that reason knows not”, and people just don’t have that much control over these things. I mean, if you meets someone who is a great match when you are young, someone you really click with, where you have a steady growing sense of partnership and communion, are you really going to break it off because statistics say it’ll hurt your earning potential? On the other hand, if you don’t meet anyone that’s a good match, are you really going to marry Mr. All Right at 28, just in case it’s the best you’ll do? And finally, if your career is fascinating and interesting to you, if it’s what gives you drive and purpose and focus, is it really possible to turn that off to somehow make time in your life for dating a series of maybe-I-could-marry-hims? I mean, you might think that’s the rational thing to do, even, but I don’t see a half-resentful, duly-obligated spouse search as likely to lead to the right match. If you’re that person, your match needs to be someone who fits with that person–someone whom you meet as a career-focused individual, and who compliments your career-focused personality. I think it’s a horrible idea to have an “ideal age” in mind to get married. I’ve known a few people like that. They just didn’t think about marriage much one way or another until they reached the age when they vaguely assumed it was appropriate, and married whomever they were dating at the time. They were generally not good matches, and not good marriages. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/108 "2015-02-27T22:30:43Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > It seems to me that this really goes back to “the heart has it’s reasons that reason knows not”, and people just don’t have that much control over these things. > > I mean, if you meets someone who is a great match when you are young, someone you really click with, where you have a steady growing sense of partnership and communion, are you really going to break it off because statistics say it’ll hurt your earning potential? > > On the other hand, if you don’t meet anyone that’s a good match, are you really going to marry Mr. All Right at 28, just in case it’s the best you’ll do? > > And finally, if your career is fascinating and interesting to you, if it’s what gives you drive and purpose and focus, is it really possible to turn that off to somehow make time in your life for dating a series of maybe-I-could-marry-hims? I mean, you might think that’s the rational thing to do, even, but I don’t see a half-resentful, duly-obligated spouse search as likely to lead to the right match. If you’re that person, your match needs to be someone who fits with that person–someone whom you meet as a career-focused individual, and who compliments your career-focused personality. > > I think it’s a horrible idea to have an “ideal age” in mind to get married. I’ve known a few people like that. They just didn’t think about marriage much one way or another until they reached the age when they vaguely assumed it was appropriate, and married whomever they were dating at the time. They were generally not good matches, and not good marriages. Good points - anecdotally, I myself didn’t give a second’s thought to any of this socio-economic stuff. I started going out with my now-wife because I thought she was super hot when we met in university (and, astonishingly, she apparently felt the same about me); I stayed going out with her because I found out she was smart, confident, and had a strong moral sense, and we got along well together; we got married because, well, we were living together for a while, so why not? Party! Presents! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/109 "2015-02-27T22:47:43Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > It’s interesting that for men, there is no such thing as being too successful, as far as attractiveness or “marriageability” id concerned. But for women, being highly successful can actually limit one’s prospects. I feel this is somewhat self-limiting by women themselves. Women tend to want a man to be at least as successful as they are. Kind of tough if you are a CEO or Senior VP. Men seem to care less about marrying a less successful woman. I’m kind of a weird case though. I met my wife in college and we dated a long time before we got married. The weird thing is that I seem to run into more and more people who have been together for like 5, 10 years or more and haven’t got married yet. It’s kind of a weird dynamic. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/110 "2015-02-27T23:06:42Z")
> [@furt](#): > > And the problem isn’t that the 30 year olds aren’t aware that they aren’t 22 anymore, it’s that the 22 year olds don’t realize they’re gonna be 30 sooner than they think. > [@furt](#): > > And the lower income the wife is the other side of the coin. I don’t think many women who choose to leave the workforce to raise kids think doing so is some kind of “losing deal” … it’s what they chose. They’re not “taking the financial hit,” they’re choosing different priorities, and the men’s higher income is the other side of the story – they have to work harder to enable that choice. > [@furt](#): > > I’m not sure this is quite the full story anymore. Yes, wifedom and motherhood is part of it, but especially for upper-middle class types, women get pressured to do more. > [@furt](#): > > Easy-bake ovens? What is this, 1965? I don’t think _anyone_ is getting that kind of stuff anymore.\* > > The problem isn’t that girls aren’t encouraged to pursue marriage and motherhood, it’s that they are universally encouraged to pursue that and a career without a frank appraisal of what that will really look at for most of them. > … > And that’s what gets sold to young women. > … > Point is, women are encouraged to build their life plans based on feminist ideas about the way the world and intergender relations _should be_, but they have to live those lives out based on the reality of the way things\* are\* today. Look, Doper ladies, I think it’s time to swallow some humble pie here and acknowledge the obvious truth – **furt** is the clear authority on women’s experiences, _not_ you gals. You really need to admit that, as women, you have no knowledge or insight into what it’s like being a woman. But **furt** can tell you, if you ask him politely. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2015, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/111 "2015-02-28T02:13:32Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > Look, Doper ladies, I think it’s time to swallow some humble pie here and acknowledge the obvious truth – **furt** is the clear authority on women’s experiences, _not_ you gals. You really need to admit that, as women, you have no knowledge or insight into what it’s like being a woman. > > But **furt** can tell you, if you ask him politely. That’s nice, sweetie. Now how about you go in the kitchen and make some sandwiches, mkay? ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2015, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/112 "2015-02-28T04:08:27Z")
I didn’t get married until I was 31 for the simple reason I was too socially awkward to attract anyone. I was college educated and gainfully employed. I had figured it was too late for me, but I was fortunately mistaken. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/113 "2015-03-01T06:00:49Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > It’s interesting that for men, there is no such thing as being too successful, as far as attractiveness or “marriageability” id concerned. But for women, being highly successful can actually limit one’s prospects. That’s because with women, I’ve heard of the “law of 2’s”. That means they want a man who’s 2 inches taller, 2 years older, and $20,000 richer. But not always: Dolly Parton, I’m sure you all have heard of her. Believe it or not she’s been married to the same man for over 30 years. Guess what - he has nothing to do with her music career or business ventures. He owns his own road construction business. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/114 "2015-03-01T06:04:33Z")
I’ve known couples who got married at age 20, had kids right away, and did fine. Good thing was they had the youth and energy (but little money) to deal with kids. Plus by age 40 or so the kids were out of the house and THEN they could focus on their careers. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/115 "2015-03-01T12:44:35Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I’ve known couples who got married at age 20, had kids right away, and did fine. Good thing was they had the youth and energy (but little money) to deal with kids. Plus by age 40 or so the kids were out of the house and THEN they could focus on their careers. I’ve had coworkers like this. We we all roughly the same age and it always blew my mind that I’M THAT OLD TO HAVE A CHILD THAT AGE :eek: I was in my early-mid 40s when I married. A coworker at that time suggested to me not to even think about having kids because between my job and this brand-new lifestyle of living with someone, I wouldn’t have the energy. I remember thinking “WTF who asked you?” and “Hmmm…” ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/116 "2015-03-01T15:31:55Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > I’ve had coworkers like this. We we all roughly the same age and it always blew my mind that I’M THAT OLD TO HAVE A CHILD THAT AGE :eek: > > I was in my early-mid 40s when I married. A coworker at that time suggested to me not to even think about having kids because between my job and this brand-new lifestyle of living with someone, I wouldn’t have the energy. I remember thinking “WTF who asked you?” and “Hmmm…” And you will be 60 years old by the time they leave the house. But then, at age 60 you will need to keep working to help pay for their college. And if the trend continued you wont see grandkids until your nearly 80. Maybe getting married young wasn’t such a bad idea. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/117 "2015-03-01T16:15:37Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > And you will be 60 years old by the time they leave the house. But then, at age 60 you will need to keep working to help pay for their college. Maybe because **kiz** has had more time to save, invest, and optimize her career advancement, she won’t need to. > [@](#): > > And if the trend continued you wont see grandkids until your nearly 80. Maybe her kids won’t have children and it won’t matter. And it’s pretty stupid (IMHO) to plan one’s family based on prospective _grandchildren_. > [@](#): > > Maybe getting married young wasn’t such a bad idea. Maybe there are plenty of downsides to getting married young that most people in this thread seem not to want to face. I mean, let’s think about this for a minute. How many times do irresponsible parents get mentioned on the Straight Dope? How many times do we see bad mothers and fathers being paraded on the news for neglecting and abusing their children? How many people have kvetched to their trusted psychotherapist about their resentful mother or their emotionally absent, ne’er-do-well father? How many people come from dysfunctional families? Now how many of those families were the product of two twenty-somethings versus two thirty- or forty-somethings? I know a woman who’s almost 80 (she’s a role model of mine). She has a five-year-old grandson that lives halfway across the country and she only sees him twice, maybe three times a year. But never have I seen a more devoted grandmother. If you ask me, she’s got it good. She can spoil him all she wants without having to be roped into babysitting. And oh yes, she had her daughter when she was in her 20s! It was her daughter who decided to wait till she was 45 to have a child. So even if **kiz** had a kid in her 20s, that’s no guarantee that she’d be able to be a hipster granny. You can’t control when your progeny choose to do with their reproduction behavior. My friend also still works full-time…_because she wants to_. Working past 60 is the reality for most people, regardless of how old their children are. And it will be even more common as lifespans continue to expand. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/118 "2015-03-01T16:25:26Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > I’ve had coworkers like this. We we all roughly the same age and it always blew my mind that I’M THAT OLD TO HAVE A CHILD THAT AGE :eek: > > I was in my early-mid 40s when I married. A coworker at that time suggested to me not to even think about having kids because between my job and this brand-new lifestyle of living with someone, I wouldn’t have the energy. I remember thinking “WTF who asked you?” and “Hmmm…” I think you’ll hear this a lot from parents who had their children relatively young. And it makes sense that they’d say something like this. I imagine that after twenty years of dealing with children, anyone would be tired. But they are projecting their exhaustion onto you. A childless 40-year-old has energy that hasn’t been sapped yet, especially if they’ve kept themselves in relatively good physical shape. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/119 "2015-03-01T16:40:20Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > And finally, if your career is fascinating and interesting to you, if it’s what gives you drive and purpose and focus, is it really possible to turn that off to somehow make time in your life for dating a series of maybe-I-could-marry-hims? I mean, you might think that’s the rational thing to do, even, but I don’t see a half-resentful, duly-obligated spouse search as likely to lead to the right match. If you’re that person, your match needs to be someone who fits with that person–someone whom you meet as a career-focused individual, and who compliments your career-focused personality. Hey, that’s what internet dating is for! Several of my career-minded friends, when they hit their early 30’s (in one case late 20’s), decided rationally to do a dating search and set about it with the same dedication and drive and focus that they use in their careers. They’re all happily married and having kids now. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2015, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638/120 "2015-03-01T16:42:25Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I think you’ll hear this a lot from parents who had their children relatively young. And it makes sense that they’d say something like this. I imagine that after twenty years of dealing with children, anyone would be tired. But they are projecting their exhaustion onto you. > > A childless 40-year-old has energy that hasn’t been sapped yet, especially if they’ve kept themselves in relatively good physical shape. Eh. I had my first at 33, and I spent a lot of time running after her thinking, “Wow, I bet I’d’ve had a lot more energy if I’d had her at 23 instead.” On the other hand, I also spent a lot of time thinking, “Wow, I was nowhere near mature enough at 23 to have a kid, and my kid would have been much more screwed up emotionally if I had.” So, you know, there’s that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/advise-your-daughter-to-get-married-in-her-20s/713638.md?page=7)