# After 15 years, I'm single **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 21, 2016, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930 "2016-06-21T00:55:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/41 "2016-06-21T15:44:40Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > If he didn’t really think you’d go for that, what in the world possessed him to even ask? He’s hasn’t got a ounce of decency, he’s fucking delusional. My guess is that he’s hoping the OP would get fed up and move out. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/42 "2016-06-21T15:51:16Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > …(Though sometimes it can be emotionally easier to start treating rat bastards rather like you would a cashier at a supermarket. Generically friendly and dispassionate.) One has use for a supermarket cashier. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/43 "2016-06-21T19:15:51Z")
OP - what have you both told your friends who always saw you 2 as a couple? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/44 "2016-06-21T19:20:21Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > OP - what have you both told your friends who always saw you 2 as a couple? Nothing yet. I’ve told exactly one person so far. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/45 "2016-06-21T19:31:42Z")
Sorry to hear that, **Antinor01** , and best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/46 "2016-06-21T20:31:28Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Well your a man and men tend to think think about logic first before emotions. We think money, numbers, long term gains and losses, balance sheets, and so forth. Well at least most do because your guy didnt. > > My advice is to sit down and do a reboot of the relationship. Forget all the previous emotional ties and admit your nothing more than roommates. Call each other by your real names (preferably use Mr now), no more cute names. Speak and act professionally. Drop all joint accounts and sell off any jointly owned items in the place. Set ground rules like who pays what bill. Get everything in writing. > > Your men. You can handle this. Don’t forget the fist bump! ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2016, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/47 "2016-06-21T20:34:09Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Nothing yet. I’ve told exactly one person so far. Honestly you are somewhat fortunate this went down before being married. After the fact is an entirely different level of PITAness on multiple levels. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/48 "2016-06-22T00:24:10Z")
Well one positive step, the car situation. We’ve been a one car household for years, but with us each recently getting jobs in opposite directions from the house we knew we needed a 2nd car. Originally I was going to have him keep the one and buy another. With the recent change in our life circumstances, we’re going to either sell it and split the proceeds (it’s been paid off for quite a while) or get a valuation and have him him buy it from me for half the value since it’s titled in my name. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/49 "2016-06-22T01:45:52Z")
Boy, what a rotten thing to do to someone. Ugh, I can’t imagine having to continue to share my home with him after that. I wish you strength and peace. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/50 "2016-06-22T02:34:30Z")
> [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](#): > > Boy, what a rotten thing to do to someone. > > Ugh, I can’t imagine having to continue to share my home with him after that. I wish you strength and peace. Yea, it’s gonna be rough. I’m gonna have to face telling people soon (I’ve only told one ‘real’ person and didn’t even tell her a lot of the details) and I know it’s gonna bring up a lot of conversations I don’t want…as well as making it more real. It partially still feels like a horrible nightmare that I haven’t woken up from yet. ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/51 "2016-06-22T05:06:47Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Well one positive step, the car situation. We’ve been a one car household for years, but with us each recently getting jobs in opposite directions from the house we knew we needed a 2nd car. Originally I was going to have him keep the one and buy another. With the recent change in our life circumstances, we’re going to either sell it and split the proceeds (it’s been paid off for quite a while) or get a valuation and have him him buy it from me for half the value since it’s titled in my name. Hold off on that for now. No rush. While it’s probably a fair thing to do, if it’s in your name it’s your car. 100%. I’d guess it’s probably better to settle all financial transactions at once, rather than piecemeal. If you have a car that works for you, keep it and let him scramble for transportation. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/52 "2016-06-22T05:27:20Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Hold off on that for now. No rush. While it’s probably a fair thing to do, if it’s in your name it’s your car. 100%. I’d guess it’s probably better to settle all financial transactions at once, rather than piecemeal. If you have a car that works for you, keep it and let him scramble for transportation. Understood but we did equally pay for it. As angry, hurt and everything else as I am I want to keep things as fair as possible. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/53 "2016-06-22T07:19:14Z")
OK, but it’s still better to handle it all together. Among other things, because that way it’s one big negotiation rather than a thousand little ones. Chinese water drop torture, death by a thousand paper cuts… no need to inflict those on yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/54 "2016-06-22T11:35:05Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Understood but we did equally pay for it. As angry, hurt and everything else as I am I want to keep things as fair as possible. Well get your ass moving on this stuff, now. Dont wait. Take off work if you have to. Put out an ad and sell the car asap and write him a check (then of course buy your own). ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/55 "2016-06-22T12:16:32Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Yea, it’s gonna be rough. I’m gonna have to face telling people soon (I’ve only told one ‘real’ person and didn’t even tell her a lot of the details) and I know it’s gonna bring up a lot of conversations I don’t want…as well as making it more real. It partially still feels like a horrible nightmare that I haven’t woken up from yet. I expect with each telling, it’ll get a little easier. Do you have one particularly “chatty” friend who you’re pretty sure can be counted on to spread the word? It may be a little cowardly, but it worked for me when I was newly hired, pregnant, and didn’t know how to broach the subject with my new boss. So I mentioned it to the office blabbermouth… 😃 Seriously, tho, can you mention it to just a few folks who you can count on to tell others without a lot of drama? It can save you from multiple retellings. ---
**Author:** ![leftfield6](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leftfield6/32/18780_2.png) [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/56 "2016-06-22T12:58:03Z")
Room mates? That shit will not work well. My now ex-wife and I did that for a couple on months. It sucked big time. Finally she just needed to go. I wound up with the house, and we agreed in the divorce that I have one year (as the person keeping the house) to either sell it and split the profit, or refinance and pay her 1/2 the equity value. Sorry this is happening to you, but, as others have said, you probably dodged a bullet in the long term. I would tend to advise not trying to reconcile. Trust issues like this are not going to go away. I forgave my wife two times over a 12 year period for straying, third time I said enough, you gotta go. Turns out I should have said it the first time. I would not have wasted the last 12 years watching out for “the next time”. I’m actually really loving being single. I highly recommend it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/57 "2016-06-22T13:27:08Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Understood but we did equally pay for it. As angry, hurt and everything else as I am I want to keep things as fair as possible. It’s nice to try and be fair, but your ex has already shown you what a jerk he is. In my experience, jerks don’t play fair, and the nicer you are the worse they get. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/58 "2016-06-22T14:02:10Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > I expect with each telling, it’ll get a little easier. Do you have one particularly “chatty” friend who you’re pretty sure can be counted on to spread the word? It may be a little cowardly, but it worked for me when I was newly hired, pregnant, and didn’t know how to broach the subject with my new boss. So I mentioned it to the office blabbermouth… 😃 > > Seriously, tho, can you mention it to just a few folks who you can count on to tell others without a lot of drama? It can save you from multiple retellings. I might even just ask straight out. You know, go to one of my good friends and ask if they can spread the word, and also add, “Antinor’s not really up for talking about it just yet”. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/59 "2016-06-22T17:22:14Z")
You’ve received lots of good advice in this thread already, so I’ll just share the only other reaction I have to this: Fuck. I’m just sorry to hear about this, man. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2016, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/60 "2016-06-22T17:43:58Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Understood but we did equally pay for it. As angry, hurt and everything else as I am I want to keep things as fair as possible. It’s good to be fair, mostly because that will help you feel good about yourself, which is one of the most important things when it comes to grieving. But as others have said, doing this piecemeal might end up not being the best thing in the long run. Each individual decision impacts the fairness of the split of assets. You could end up in a scenario where you were pretty fair each time, but the aggregate means you are way behind. And the more individual decisions you make, the more likely one of them will be impulsively rather than rationally made. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930.md?page=4)