# After 15 years, I'm single **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 21, 2016, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930 "2016-06-21T00:55:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/61 "2016-06-23T00:05:44Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > It’s good to be fair, mostly because that will help you feel good about yourself, which is one of the most important things when it comes to grieving. > > But as others have said, doing this piecemeal might end up not being the best thing in the long run. Each individual decision impacts the fairness of the split of assets. You could end up in a scenario where you were pretty fair each time, but the aggregate means you are way behind. And the more individual decisions you make, the more likely one of them will be impulsively rather than rationally made. Replying here because it’s the most recent. I do understand that and appreciate the advice, but it’s not entirely possible to really make all the decisions right now. I have to do it the way that works for me. We’ve already agreed about the condo (50/50 of the proceeds), the car as I described. We don’t have any credit card debt together so that’s easy. The rest is mostly going to be physical property like furniture but we can’t really do that yet since we’re pretty much stuck living together for now. The cat will be an issue, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/62 "2016-06-23T00:09:04Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > You’ve received lots of good advice in this thread already, so I’ll just share the only other reaction I have to this: Fuck. > > I’m just sorry to hear about this, man. Thanks. Mostly I just had to let it out since I don’t plan on telling the details to most people. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/63 "2016-06-23T00:12:32Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > I have to do it the way that works for me. Absolutely. Don’t let our attempts at advice add even more stress to this time. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/64 "2016-06-23T05:34:11Z")
> [@spamforbrains](#): > > wow, that’s bad enough, but he actually expects you to live there with them?? Do you have somewhere else to stay? don’t stay there. cyberhugs. There is, of course, one evil advantage in this situation for a gay couple: If you do all end up living in the same condo for a while, you can always set out to seduce his new man. Then after you’ve split them up, dump him, dump them both. Probably not actually worth doing – sounds like you’re a decent guy, and might suffer more emotionally than either of them. But it’s kinda fun to think about. :😉 ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/65 "2016-06-23T13:51:56Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > There is, of course, one evil advantage in this situation for a gay couple: If you do all end up living in the same condo for a while, you can always set out to seduce his new man. Then after you’ve split them up, dump him, dump them both. > > Probably not actually worth doing – sounds like you’re a decent guy, and might suffer more emotionally than either of them. But it’s kinda fun to think about. :😉 Heh. Interesting thought. But he’s not moving here…I’ve been very clear with him that I absolutely never even want to meet the asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/66 "2016-06-23T13:55:02Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Replying here because it’s the most recent. I do understand that and appreciate the advice, but it’s not entirely possible to really make all the decisions right now. I have to do it the way that works for me. We’ve already agreed about the condo (50/50 of the proceeds), the car as I described. We don’t have any credit card debt together so that’s easy. The rest is mostly going to be physical property like furniture but we can’t really do that yet since we’re pretty much stuck living together for now. The cat will be an issue, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I’m with jsgoddess, in that you shouldn’t let our advice stress you out more, but I think you should get rights on the kitty. After all, he’s got his new boytoy. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/67 "2016-06-23T17:42:38Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Heh. Interesting thought. But he’s not moving here…I’ve been very clear with him that I absolutely never even want to meet the asshole. I’m not well versed on the gay community but it strikes me you will. Wont you still have the same friends and hang out the same places or go to the same events? I’d suggest just getting used to acting like a mature man about it. He’s just your roommate now and soon to be ex-roommate. Define your interactions with the new parameters and forget the old. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/68 "2016-06-23T17:59:51Z")
The _real_ uncomfortable part comes when the new relationship doesn’t work out and he tries to take up where y’all left off. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/69 "2016-06-23T19:54:37Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Heh. Interesting thought. But he’s not moving here…I’ve been very clear with him that I absolutely never even want to meet the asshole. In my fantasy world, you and the asshole meet, fall in love, and leave your ex out in the cold. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2016, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/70 "2016-06-23T23:52:58Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > The _real_ uncomfortable part comes when the new relationship doesn’t work out and he tries to take up where y’all left off. That is a concern. The situation with the other guy sounds somewhat tenuous (the little I’ve cared to know about it anyway) and could easily end up ending before it really begins. As easy as it is right now to say that this was unforgivable, I’m afraid of my own weakness. From the emotional side, 15 years is hard to throw away with an ex begging for forgiveness and asking you to take them back. At least I imagine it would be hard considering I’ve never been through anything like that. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/71 "2016-06-24T01:12:38Z")
Sorry for the OP’s troubles. The bit about asking for the new lover to move in reminds me of my father-in-law. My mother-in-law was his main wife, but he had a minor wife and whole other family with her. I was told he once insisted on moving his second wife and family into the house with his main wife and family, of whom my wife was one of the daughters, and my mother-in-law went ballistic at this proposal. He promptly backed down. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/72 "2016-06-24T01:52:28Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > The _real_ uncomfortable part comes when the new relationship doesn’t work out and he tries to take up where y’all left off. Well, that didn’t take long. I got home from work and start getting the ‘what if we could work things out’ bit. Turns out the other guy doesn’t want to pursue anything right now as long as he and I are still connected with the house and all. (It would have involved him moving out of state) He claims that wasn’t why this is coming up, but who can say. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/73 "2016-06-24T03:39:47Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Well, that didn’t take long. I got home from work and start getting the ‘what if we could work things out’ bit. Turns out the other guy doesn’t want to pursue anything right now as long as he and I are still connected with the house and all. (It would have involved him moving out of state) He claims that wasn’t why this is coming up, but who can say. One question I’d ask myself is if I could handle his doing this to me again. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/74 "2016-06-24T04:19:02Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Well, that didn’t take long. I got home from work and start getting the ‘what if we could work things out’ bit. Turns out the other guy doesn’t want to pursue anything right now as long as he and I are still connected with the house and all. (It would have involved him moving out of state) He claims that wasn’t why this is coming up, but who can say. Two things to seriously consider: 1. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily a weakness, but 2. To forgive doesn’t mean to forget. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/75 "2016-06-24T04:24:41Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Two things to seriously consider: > > 1. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily a weakness, but > 2. To forgive doesn’t mean to forget. True. This is not an overnight decision. I have a lot of considering to do. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/77 "2016-06-24T10:38:48Z")
No idea what line(s) of work either of you are in, but maybe he could arrange to be temporarily reassigned out of town (or frequently traveling for work). Just to minimize the time you have to spend with him. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/78 "2016-06-24T10:45:53Z")
Okay, belay my last. Hoping for the best for you. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/79 "2016-06-24T11:29:14Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Sure - but possession is 9 points of the law. If he’s out, he’s going to have to fight to get back in, and while he’ll probably win, it’ll take him a lot of time and money. Especially if you start involving restraining orders. > > Sometimes, the law isn’t about winning; it’s about making the other guy miserable. In my state, this is bad advice. He would most certainly lose, and the law in my state provides for stiff fines against anyone who does this. A high price just to be vindictive. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/80 "2016-06-24T11:50:51Z")
No decisions until you can get some distance. I’d recommend, at a minimum, getting away for a weekend (without him) if you can so you can process better what’s happened and what seems to be happening in a space that isn’t your shared space. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2016, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930/81 "2016-06-24T18:53:01Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Well, that didn’t take long. I got home from work and start getting the ‘what if we could work things out’ bit. Turns out the other guy doesn’t want to pursue anything right now as long as he and I are still connected with the house and all. (It would have involved him moving out of state) He claims that wasn’t why this is coming up, but who can say. I’d ask if I was ok being someone’s consolation prize. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-15-years-im-single/757930.md?page=5)