# After 23 years, I think I finally came around
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 17, 2004, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554 "2004-07-17T05:47:16Z")
**Posts on this page:** 10
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)
#### Post date: [July 17, 2004, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/1 "2004-07-17T05:47:16Z")
I’ll be the first to admit it- I was one of those whiny, clingy guys, the so-called “Nice guys” who weren’t so much nice as they were insecure and needy. I complained about it, both to my friends and to people on the message board. And I never got it through my skull what I needed to do to get out of my shell about this.
But the cruise I went on changed all that- I met an extremely assertive person who demonstrated that while she was willing to hang out with my and even sleep with me, she wasn’t going to pull any punches about what I needed to fix about myself. She was brutally honest, and pointed out things in a way that I could finally see myself.
I’m back home now, and I have realized that I left my emotional baggage sitting in the bottom of the North Pacific. I don’t come down on myself, don’t complain about all the stuff I’m not good enough at. I hung out with my friends this evening, and they did their usual routine of ribbing me about this and that, and rather than roll over and take it, I bit back, leaving them quite shocked :eek:
I’ve realized now that my best friend and I have unfortunately established a comfort zone amongst each other- both of us reinforce negative attitudes about ourselves/others which makes it difficult for either of us to really improve ourselves- it is easier to run away and be reassured by each other than stick it out and actually take risks, stand and be rejected now and then, embrace the good times and the bad, and take things as they come instead of expecting things to happen exactly according to plan.
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### Author:  [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)
#### Post date: [July 17, 2004, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/2 "2004-07-17T08:07:11Z")
And you got [laid](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=266731)!
Congrats, **Inc**. I went through a similar personal transformation about a year and a half ago, so I think I know what you’re talking about. Keep up the good attitude and you’ll be amazed what your new-found confidence will bring.
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### Author:  [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)
#### Post date: [July 17, 2004, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/3 "2004-07-17T16:18:18Z")
**YES!** Though personally it would seem kind of wierd if I attributed just the sex to my new self. There is more to it than that- it was just being around a particular person who was so blunt and honest, she wasn’t going to put up with any of my annoying nuances or self-depreciation. She would point it out to me everytime it happened. It wasn’t long before I was able to see myself the way she was, and be aware of the appropriate self-improvement I needed to make.
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### Author:  [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)
#### Post date: [July 17, 2004, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/4 "2004-07-17T16:40:32Z")
So, this new person who changed your life, are you going to write or call her? Where does she live?
Details, we need more details.
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### Author:  [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)
#### Post date: [July 17, 2004, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/5 "2004-07-17T19:43:52Z")
Your [requested details](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=266948). Enjoy!
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### Author:  [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)
#### Post date: [July 17, 2004, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/6 "2004-07-17T20:04:49Z")
I’d feel a little more solid about this transformation if you a) hadn’t needed another person to trigger it and b) didn’t feel the need to announce it…
… having said that, if it’s real, then dig your nails in and hold on tight. You’re about to make up for all the fun you’ve never had.
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### Author:  [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)
#### Post date: [July 17, 2004, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/7 "2004-07-17T20:36:46Z")
> [@](#):
>
> YES! Though personally it would seem kind of wierd if I attributed just the sex to my new self.
Oh, I dunno. I tend to think that the modern, pragmatic approach to sex dulls its profundity. It is a turning point, and a traditional coming-of-age event in all of human history. A mystical junction, if you will. There are whole religions and mythologies constructed around the mysteries of sex.
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### Author:  [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2004, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/8 "2004-07-18T00:09:26Z")
> [@interface2x](#):
>
> Your [requested details](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=266948). Enjoy!
Certainly can’t enjoy that. Hope **incubus** can remember their brief meeting fondly some day for the help she gave him.
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### Author:  [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2004, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/9 "2004-07-18T04:34:50Z")
Seriously: Good for you.
I’m not quite there yet.
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### Author:  [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2004, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/after-23-years-i-think-i-finally-came-around/255554/10 "2004-07-18T04:48:44Z")
Let’s explore this for a while. As fascinating as the sex issue is, this should not go unnoticed:
> [@Incubus](#):
>
> I hung out with my friends this evening, and they did their usual routine of ribbing me about this and that, and rather than roll over and take it, I bit back, leaving them quite shocked :eek:
>
> I’ve realized now that my best friend and I have unfortunately established a comfort zone amongst each other- both of us reinforce negative attitudes about ourselves/others which makes it difficult for either of us to really improve ourselves- it is easier to run away and be reassured by each other than stick it out and actually take risks, stand and be rejected now and then, embrace the good times and the bad, and take things as they come instead of expecting things to happen exactly according to plan.
I’ve experienced this as well. When you start to have a realization that you aren’t a loser/failure/ugly/whatever in some way, or that you want to be something other than what your friends have decided you are, sometimes your friends don’t adjust right away. Sometimes they come around eventually, but sometimes they don’t. Fortunately, I had friends who adjusted. But it was a shock to them when I made some changes and stopped whining about some of the stuff I was known for whining about.
For instance, I learned that one friend, in particular, relied on me being fatter than her. I didn’t realize this, because she was always so nice and “understanding” about me and my weight. But this changed when I lost weight and became the same size as her. Then she was definitely not comfortable with it and even a little resentful and snarky. (She eventually recovered.)
Another friend relied on me not having any confident about some of my abilities. When I started to have some success and feel more outgoing, this friend was definitely uncomfortable. _She_ was the one that was supposed to have all the energy and enthusiasm and unlimited self-confidence, not me! I was always the whining loser who didn’t live up to my potential. And when I started to sort of, almost, kind of live up to my potential? Scary. Because as it turns out, I had a lot of potential. And my friend knew it. That was uncomfortable to her—scary. Because as it turned out, a lot of her confidence about her own abilities was hot air. She was confident, but not _that_ confident, and I was horning in on her action by actually doing something with my potential.
All these friends recovered but it was quite an adjustment. In turn, I’m sure I had to adjust to their changes of attitude too and survived it. It’s part of growing up and we never stop doing it!