# Ah, the wit and wisdom of apricot syrup. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 26, 2003, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810 "2003-08-26T19:11:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/1 "2003-08-26T19:11:45Z")
Folks, there’s a new intellect in town and his name is apricot syrup. I think he should have his own advice column, but I’m sure I’m in the minority. That’s why I’ve started this in the Pit as opposed to MPSIMS. What’s that you say? You want cites? Fine. In a thread about how sucky marriage is because [dude’s wife stopped kicking out](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=206812), apricot syrup tells us: > [@](#): > > She signed a contract with you and she violated its **letter** and its spirit. There is definitely some kind of fraud or emotionally distress or some such thing here. Talk to a lawyer, he will know what to do. Take her for all she’s worth. People in the thread took him to task but I say they’re wrong. I agree with apricot syrup: it is explicitly stated in the Great Contract O’ Marriage that a wife must offer her love taco (or fun bags, whatever floats your boat) no less than every 2.48 days. I bet you married people have never even _read_ you Great Contract O’ Marriage. In another thread, this one a light-hearted peek into [the demented psyche of women](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=3895758#post3895758) (those broads never mean what they say), apricot syrup opines: > [@](#): > > It’s because women are liars and cheaters and manipulators. Historically, women have never been in positions of power, authority or skill (physically, academically or professionally) and therefore have had to acquire access to these resources – either directly or indirectly – by the use of dishonest means. Evolution has seen to it that the women of today exemplify the vice of dishonesty in a most exemplary manner. You see, very few people understand that lying, cheating and manipulating are genetic traits. So, sure, the average person may think apricot syrup’s talking out his ass but us smarter Dopers know dude is spot on. In another thread in which a poster chases down some hardened, gun toting (or was it home theater-toting…I can’t remember) criminals [Miami Vice-style](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=207193), our resident sage warns: > [@](#): > > Stuff like this just keeps the cycle of hate and retribution turning. You’re contributing to evil, not preventing it. Remember, kids, when you help the police put the bad guys behind bars, you’re contributing to evil. You see, for every person the police arrest, they send ten dollars to Evil. It’s a little known fact that Evil regularly sends a stack contribution envelopes to law enforcement facilities. Officers keep a running tally of how many criminals they arrest and, at the end of the week, use the envelopes to send in their contribution. Evil disburses the funds to Hate and Retribution, accordingly. Society would be much better off if everyone just turned a blind eye to crime. Mind your own business and prevent evil. (I think I smell a bumper sticker…) Those are just three of many great posts offered by our apricot syrup. If that’s not enough, do your own search and I think you’ll see this man truly deserves his own advice column. We’ll call it _Apricot Syrup On…_ Thank you, apricot syrup. It’s people like you that keep the Straight Dope (motto: Fighting Ignorance Since 1973) essential. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/2 "2003-08-26T19:15:25Z")
::::Clap clap::::: Well said, as always, **Juanita**. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/3 "2003-08-26T19:21:53Z")
I must say, this is the least suprising pit thread I’ve ever seen. This schmuck’s had it coming for a while now… My take–he thinks he’s being shocking and daringly “honest” when in truth he’s simply pathetically seeking whatever little nuggets of attention his nasty comments evoke. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/4 "2003-08-26T19:22:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JuanitaTech \* > \*\*…it is explicitly stated in the Great Contract O’ Marriage that a wife must offer her love taco (or fun bags, whatever floats your boat) no less than every 2.48 days. I bet you married people have never even _read_ you Great Contract O’ Marriage. > \*\* Damn it! On your advice, I just reviewed my Big Contract O’ Marriage™ and discovered that it has a no Love Taco clause! ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/5 "2003-08-26T19:24:24Z")
I just wonder if we haven’t seen this asshole before. He’s racked up quite a load of shit in his two days here; is it possible he’s [transitioned to this posting style after a bout of lucid dreaming?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=3887018#post3887018) Daniel ---
**Author:** ![cheddarsnax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@cheddarsnax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cheddarsnax)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/6 "2003-08-26T19:25:06Z")
**apricot syrup** also showed up in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=206743&highlight=karma#post3887031) to give us a lesson on karma: > [@](#): > > Nothing will happen to them. They will lead a fine life, offend a lot more people, and get laid a whole lot. > > Karma is a fiction that nice people use to make themselves feel better about being too shy / too cowardly / too weak to respond properly to assholes, when confronted or slighted. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/7 "2003-08-26T19:38:28Z")
I saw the thread in the third example in the OP earlier today and just knew that he was gonna get pitted. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/8 "2003-08-26T19:46:51Z")
Good pitting, **JuanitaTech**. Eagerly awaited and richly deserved. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/9 "2003-08-26T19:49:54Z")
I can almost buy the third example, as a staple of Buddhist-style thinking (not spreading more bad vibes, turn the other cheek, what have you), but reconciling that viewpoint with the first two examples boggles my mind. ---
**Author:** ![LilyoftheValley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@LilyoftheValley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LilyoftheValley)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/10 "2003-08-26T19:50:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JuanitaTech \* > You see, for every person the police arrest, they send ten dollars to Evil. Hilarious, Juanita! But you forgot that for every person they imprison, the judge kills a kitten. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DanielWithrow \* > \*\*I just wonder if we haven’t seen this asshole before. He’s racked up quite a load of shit in his two days here; is it possible he’s [transitioned to this posting style after a bout of lucid dreaming?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=3887018#post3887018) > > Daniel \*\* I’ve been wondering on a similar line as **Daniel** , but waited to see if someone else would bring it up. ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/11 "2003-08-26T19:51:19Z")
My money is that he’s **transitionality** incarnation #3. [sub]I’m so upset I missed transitionality’s pitting and banning while I was away…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Papermache\_Prince](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f05b48/32.png) [@Papermache\_Prince](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Papermache_Prince)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/12 "2003-08-26T20:05:41Z")
I say we lock **apricot syrup** and [**spingears**](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=207252) in a room. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/13 "2003-08-26T20:13:34Z")
I had just decided to quit feeding it and see if it would go away. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/14 "2003-08-26T20:16:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Binarydrone \* > \*\*Damn it! On your advice, I just reviewed my Big Contract O’ Marriage™ and discovered that it has a no Love Taco clause! \*\* Read carefully – in some areas, it’s called the Little Man in the Boat clause, or the Glory Hole proviso. It’s standard boilerplate in most contracts, ever since 1999’s landmark case **apricot syrup vs. lying frigid bitches**. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/15 "2003-08-26T20:34:23Z")
I put in another vote for this Doper being in a _transition_ phase… I was crusing the boards the night apricot syrup registered. This was about a day (or less than a day; I am not sure) after a certain not-lamented poster was banned. I watched with great entertainment as our newbie Doper apricot syrup immediately (in his few posts) hit some of the threads where this late, not-lamented banned Doper had been active. It was a little uncanny, how this “newbie” knew just which threads to hit first. I’m certainly not the only one who have done the math, and have thought about the exquisite timing here. Wow, what a coincidence! :rolleyes: One banned Doper leaves, and right away, a new Doper with a similar philosophy signs up! What are the odds? ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/16 "2003-08-26T20:47:50Z")
Least he doesn’t type in purple. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/17 "2003-08-26T22:44:38Z")
I defended him briefly. Shun me. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/18 "2003-08-26T23:14:05Z")
I shun Biggirl not for her defense of apricot syrup, but because she’s not coloured. I love when school gets back in session. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/19 "2003-08-26T23:28:42Z")
Um, I don’t want to stomp on a grand pitting, but mayhaps suspicions of multiple identities should be sent via email to the powers-that-be and not discussed in a thread. Just a thought. Flame on. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2003, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810/20 "2003-08-27T00:09:40Z")
Who would flame you for that? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ah-the-wit-and-wisdom-of-apricot-syrup/197810.md?page=2)