# Ahh, the Wisdom of Toddlers (or: Auntie EM's Big Vagina) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 29, 2003, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264 "2003-05-29T14:17:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/21 "2003-05-29T18:24:38Z")
Ah yes, more fun with tots and genitalia: Years ago, a divorced friend of mine-Mike-took his 3 or 4 year son to a charity baseball game. The little guy had to pee halfway through the game. The urinals were too high off the ground and all the stalls were taken. As the need was rather urgent, my friend lifted his son up to the urinal but alas, the tyke’s aim was less then proficient and he began peeing all over the place. Balancing his son with one hand, Mike reached down to help direct the stream in the proper direction. The boy announced in an extremely loud and shrill voice **"If you don’t stop touching me down there-I’m going to tell my mother."** According to Mike, about 100 Shriners (or so it seemed) turned simultaneously and began moving towards them. It was a most uncomfortable 5 minutes or so as Mike attempted to explain the situation ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/22 "2003-05-29T19:35:15Z")
“No, but if you help me find my keys, we can _drive_ out.” ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/23 "2003-05-29T21:34:39Z")
> [@](#): > > According to Mike, about 100 Shriners (or so it seemed) turned simultaneously and began moving towards them. Oh great, now I’m going to have nightmares… ---
**Author:** ![Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krisfer_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/24 "2003-05-29T23:20:27Z")
My son went through that same phase at about 3 as well. I remember him **demanding!** that my mother show him her clit… this was of course after informing her that her didnt have a penis… My brother about pounded a hole in the floor laughing over that one… On a related note: this last October he decided to cop a feel off his first grade teacher… told her she had nice nipples…we had a LONG talk about appropriate touching… ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/25 "2003-05-30T00:12:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Krisfer the Cat \* > \*\*On a related note: this last October he decided to cop a feel off his first grade teacher… told her she had nice nipples…we had a LONG talk about appropriate touching… \*\* Hey, now I’ve seen some pretty hot first grade teachers… “Nice…nipples…”…Hafta write that one down. ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/26 "2003-05-30T02:40:33Z")
I worked for a crusty old Chief Petty Officer when I was in the Navy. Most of his war stories consisted of all the lonely women he had left behind from the various ports of call after 20 years. He was very skinny too. One of his favorites was “If I couldn’t find me an nice youngen’ when I hit the beach, I would go get me a horny sugar mama, I’d just strap a 2x4 to my ass to keep from fallin’ in.” Sorry if I offended anyone, it was the first thing that came to mind when I read the title of the post. ---
**Author:** ![Dazzling\_White\_Diamonds](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@Dazzling\_White\_Diamonds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dazzling_White_Diamonds)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/27 "2003-05-30T03:04:02Z")
Ah, the young innocents… My 4 1/2 yo grandson was sitting with me at the computer last weekend, and I casually asked him, “So, buddy, have you seen any good movies lately?” His response to this was to grab the neck of my my tank top, pull it out as far as it would go whilst sticking his sweet little face in the opening and saying “Yep, Grandma… yours!” :eek: 😃 I pulled my shirt back and said “I said **MOVIES** , not **BOOBIES**!”. All I got was a SEG and a “Sorry, Grandma”. Meanwhile, my husband was busy trying to collect himself off of the floor whilst laughing his ass off. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/28 "2003-05-30T03:09:59Z")
Our four year old son was just grasping the joys of potty training. He would wake up in the wee hours and bellow down the hallway that he ‘needed help going potty’. A foghorn is more subtle. My husband would already be at work, so bleary eyed, I stumbled down the hallway to help, trying to remain asleep. My job, apparently, was to be the flusher. My son sitting on the toilet asked me very seriously, and very awake for 430ish in the morning, " Mama, how come sometimes my penis up?" Now normally I can handle questions like this, but at that hour in the morning, my brain just flat lined. I mumbled something, shoved him off to bed and crawled back to my own, calling my husband ( who was driving into work). He chuckled and said he’d take care of things. That night Mr. Ujest handled the situation perfectly. He told our son, " Sometimes your penis wakes up before you do." ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/29 "2003-05-30T03:43:58Z")
A friend of mine was shopping with her young son, and the little guy was playing with different stuff in the toy aisle. After sniffing the bottom of a doll’s bottom and advising Mom that the doll needed to be changed, as she was busy shopping, he pulled off the doll’s knickers and roared, **"Where’s his penis?"** She told me that it was time to leave the cart, her pocketbook, and the store, as the entire hemisphere went quiet and turned to hear the query of her son. My daughter hasn’t done anything like that to me **yet.** ---
**Author:** ![it\_sjustme](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/da6949/32.png) [@it\_sjustme](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/it_sjustme)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/30 "2003-05-30T04:42:16Z")
While at a pumpkin patch/Christmas tree lot/petting zoo/craft fair… a friend and her son were waiting in a long line for her son to use the outhouse. Her son had a bag of peanuts that he was eating and as he headed into the outhouse he said, (in the a voice that carried through the crowd) “Mom, will you hold my nuts while I go pee?” My friend said that it felt like every eye in the place was upon her. Ah, the innocence of children. ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/31 "2003-05-30T04:52:04Z")
Wow, what a way to start my nightly SDMB perusals. I just have to ask this, and no offense is intended. How much, er…comparision shopping has the little tyke done? I mean, what’s her concept of normal size? And did I leave my tennis racket in there? ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/32 "2003-05-30T05:07:53Z")
All together now! Super Cooch! Super Cooch! She’s Super Coochie! ---
**Author:** ![auntnut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f6c823/32.png) [@auntnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntnut)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/33 "2003-05-30T05:28:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SkipMagic \* > \*\*“I can see for miles and miles > I can see for miles and miles > I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles > Oh yeah” > > –Brother/Father **Skip** The Who **Magic** \*\* I’m dyin here!!! ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/34 "2003-05-30T14:19:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by KCSuze \* > \*\*Wow, what a way to start my nightly SDMB perusals. > > I just have to ask this, and no offense is intended. How much, er…comparision shopping has the little tyke done? I mean, what’s her concept of normal size? > > And did I leave my tennis racket in there? \*\* Um, no, but is this your boogie board? As for “comparison shopping”, I have no idea. I can only assume that she’s comparing me to her own mommy who, IIRC, has a coochie comparable to mine in size (no, I don’t have _intimate_ knowledge of her nether regions, but we’ve known each other for 11 years). Then again, they do live in Malibu, where everyone’s scantily clad, 98 lbs. or less, and surgically enhanced, so who knows . . . ? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/35 "2003-05-30T14:22:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SnoopyFan \* > \*\*All together now! > > Super Cooch! > Super Cooch! > She’s Super Coochie! \*\* \*She’s a giant coochie girl . . . The kind would swallow up your muh-thahh . . . \* Yep. I think that’s workable. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/36 "2003-05-30T14:32:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > \*\*Now normally I can handle questions like this, but at that hour in the morning, my brain just flat lined. I mumbled something, shoved him off to bed and crawled back to my own, calling my husband ( who was driving into work). He chuckled and said he’d take care of things. > > That night Mr. Ujest handled the situation perfectly. He told our son, " Sometimes your penis wakes up before you do." \*\* See, now this brings up a good point. When I told my mother the “Big Vagina” story, she said it was evident that my friends had been giving the girls too much information, telling them _more_ than they needed to know. I, not having (or planning to have) kids, wondered what in the hell a parent does when kids ask questions of a “certain nature”? My mother said it’s possible to answer the questions without telling the kid more than a kid should know (which, IMO, is subjective, but whatever). However, all I remember about my own childhood is how frustrating it was to constantly have my inquiries brushed aside with, “We’ll talk about this when you’re older.” (For the record, my sister (who is 9 years my senior) gave me the straight dope, as it were, for awhile, but got into trouble by my mom, who said that she “wasn’t letting [me] be a child”. So she started deferring to my mother whenever I came to her with questions, and my mother never did tell me. I’m sure she would _now_, but I can no longer remember the questions. :() So I’m all for being straightforward with a kid, but then yeah, I guess it could lead to your daughter telling a houseguest that she’s got a huge cooch. ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/37 "2003-05-30T14:46:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by it’sjustme \* > \*\*While at a pumpkin patch/Christmas tree lot/petting zoo/craft fair… a friend and her son were waiting in a long line for her son to use the outhouse. Her son had a bag of peanuts that he was eating and as he headed into the outhouse he said, (in the a voice that carried through the crowd) “Mom, will you hold my nuts while I go pee?” My friend said that it felt like every eye in the place was upon her. Ah, the innocence of children. \*\* OMG, that’s it, I’m getting fired for snorting water through my nose. I can’t wait to have kids. Ava ---
**Author:** ![bayonet1976](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/77aa72/32.png) [@bayonet1976](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bayonet1976)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/38 "2003-05-30T17:26:10Z")
Just a guess here, but perhaps your friend shaves and you don’t, and please feel free to share details of your grooming habits, which caused the girl’s comments. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/39 "2003-05-30T17:39:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bayonet1976 \* > \*\*Just a guess here, but perhaps your friend shaves and you don’t, and please feel free to share details of your grooming habits, which caused the girl’s comments. \*\* I thought of that myself, only: a) as far as I know, it’s the other way around (although I was a bit furrier than usual at the time of The Incident), and b) according to the child’s mother, she is _quite_ familiar and comfortable with the use of the adjective “hairy” as it applies to vaginas (in fact, she checks her own for hair on a regular basis). Hell, maybe I really do simply have a gigantic pootie. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2003, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264/40 "2003-05-30T17:39:45Z")
> [@](#): > > I, not having (or planning to have) kids, wondered what in the hell a parent does when kids ask questions of a “certain nature”? My mother said it’s possible to answer the questions without telling the kid more than a kid should know (which, IMO, is subjective, but whatever). I’ll give you an example. When my daughter was a toddler, she asked me how they could tell girl babies from boy babies. I just told them that girls’ bottoms were different from boys’ bottoms and it satisfied her (she did seem to know something about the difference even then, though). There was one incident when I was sitting on the toilet when my daughter opened the (unlocked) door and toddled in. I tried to hide things from her, but she started giggling and saying “Daddy has poop on his bottom.” It wasn’t until some time later that I realized her reasoning: she saw something cylindrical and naturally thought it was the one cylindrical thing she knew about that was involved in sitting on the toilet. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahh-the-wisdom-of-toddlers-or-auntie-ems-big-vagina/178264.md?page=3)