# Ahoy you Stupid German Freak **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 2, 2001, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031 "2001-10-02T19:52:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/1 "2001-10-02T19:52:24Z")
Get away from me. I appreciate that you enjoyed my interpretation of 99 Luftballoons at Karaoke during ChiDope weekend. I appreciate that you feel “we share a common interest”, though you won’t tell me what it is. I can only assume this means you are a bondage freak, because everything about you screams such proclivities. In my drunken stupidity, I gave you my email address, actually saying aloud “What’s the harm?” 75,000 patriotic spams and proposals of vaguely squirrelly sexual encounters later: I’m beginning to see the harm. Just because a gal is into speaking German and talking about bondage doesn’t mean she’s a promiscuous, brainless leather whore. I’ve told you repeatedly: I am married. I am not interested in fucking GOING TO GERMANY WITH YOU. I am not interested in meeting you at a secret, undisclosed location only to meet my untimely demise in a vat in your basement, rubbing lotion into a hairless cat. It’s official, weirdo. Your email is now filtered directly to the trash. And now I can never go back to the Marigold because you’ve promised you’ll be watching for me. Or maybe I will go back. And bring my 300 pound husband with me. Then we’ll see what the harm is. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/2 "2001-10-02T19:59:34Z")
Should you ask, jar, I’m sure a couple of tons would be willing to accompany you guys to straighten Herr Ofthedog out. Please keep us posted as to his ultimate demise. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/3 "2001-10-02T20:06:46Z")
OOH-OOH-OOH! Can we kill him? Huh? CANWECANWECANWE? PLEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZE? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/4 "2001-10-02T20:09:13Z")
jar, you should go back with not only your hubby, but every other big motherfucker you can find, to, ah, explain to the gentleman why ceasing to email you would be a really good idea. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/5 "2001-10-02T20:09:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > **I am not interested in meeting you at a secret, undisclosed location only to meet my untimely demise in a vat in your basement, rubbing lotion into a hairless cat.** What about rubbing lotion into a cat do to kill you, regardless where you were doing it? ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/6 "2001-10-02T20:11:04Z")
Christ on a cracker! Is this Sexual Harassment Week or something? First **bobkitty** , now you! Must be something in the air… Oh, and **jarbabyj** , I wanna be on the posse too. Please? I’ve got a sword. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/7 "2001-10-02T20:11:44Z")
it just seems like a creepy thing a serial killer would force you to do. Like wearing a human skin suit or something ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/8 "2001-10-02T20:13:51Z")
**jarbaby** , can’t you permanently bar his emails from hitting your account? Talk to your ISP. And I must second (or third or fourth) the motion on the floor to let some of the larger males in your circle of friends hammer old Hans. ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/9 "2001-10-02T20:16:01Z")
Just for the record, your husband isn’t really 300 pounds, is he? 'Cause you’ve shown me a picture of him, and he looked decidedly HWP. I’m guessing and hoping he’s not a Doper, despite your having met him at a Dopefest. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/10 "2001-10-02T20:17:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LindyHopper \* > \*\*Must be something in the air… \*\* Semen maybe? Why do I get a visual of Hannibal Ecter’s (sp?) spunk-tossing cellmate when I hear jar describe this guy? ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/11 "2001-10-02T20:17:28Z")
And am I the only one who read the “lotion on the hairless cat” thing and heard the eerie voice of Ted Levine telling the senator’s daughter- “it rubs the lotion on it’s skin, it does this whenever it’s told” from _Silence of the Lambs_? Eeeeeew. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/12 "2001-10-02T20:22:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*Just because a gal is into speaking German and talking about bondage doesn’t mean she’s a promiscuous, brainless leather whore. > > \*\* It doesn’t? Fuck. Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/13 "2001-10-02T20:30:28Z")
Sigh, I already offered to defend **magdalene** from the BritTwit, I must once again offer my ass Whupping services to you as well! Tag team with Brian and myself…it would be fun! Rough, messy, and brutal, but fun:) [sub]hmmmmmm…now that last statement works on SOOO many levels[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/14 "2001-10-02T20:32:21Z")
…Oh by the way - wanna go to Germany with me this weekend?🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/15 "2001-10-02T20:40:48Z")
I don’t really have anything to add, I just love Jarbabyj’s posts, and the name of this particular thread is cracking me up. ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/16 "2001-10-02T20:48:06Z")
True, and yes, **Miss Creant** , except I don’t understand this “ahoy” business. Was the creepy German a sailor? Is he going to sail back to Germany? Honest, not that it’s not a great rant or anything, but I can’t remember when I’ve been so confused by a **jarbabyj** OP. To say nothing of the lotion and the cat. To say nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_Babe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Abe\_Babe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_Babe)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/17 "2001-10-02T21:29:46Z")
STUPID GERMAN FREAK. In a post from jarbabyj. Lemme check real quick. Hell . . . same temperature as always. Any pigs in the air . . . only George Ryan This MUST be the year the Cubs win the World Series. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/18 "2001-10-02T21:56:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Abe Babe \* > \*\*STUPID GERMAN FREAK. > > In a post from jarbabyj. > > Lemme check real quick. > Hell . . . same temperature as always. > Any pigs in the air . . . only George Ryan > > This MUST be the year the Cubs win the World Series. \*\* OOOOOOOOOOO good point **Abe**! That did throw me off at first, but the Ahoy was a fabulous touch. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/19 "2001-10-02T21:59:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > **I am not interested in meeting you at a secret, undisclosed location only to meet my untimely demise in a vat in your basement, rubbing lotion into a hairless cat** I only read the book, I never saw the movie but the weirdo (Buffalo Bill/Jame/Mr. Hide) had a poodle, not a cat. I don’t recall if it was hairless. He ordered his victims (or at least the one we met) to rub lotion on **themselves** not the poodle. I think jarbabyj is just being jarbabyj and not referencing _Silence of the Lambs_ in particular. It’s a great line, “lotion into a hairless cat”. I stand in awe, as usual. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031/20 "2001-10-02T22:58:29Z")
First of all, I’ve mislead Fiver. The picture I showed you was of me and the lead singer of Rammstein. If he was my husband I would be incapable of typing or indeed functioning as a human being rather than a fucktoy. My husband is a big, bald, goateed three hundred pound bouncer/hitman type of guy, but his villainy is foiled by his insane friendliness, optimism and proclivity towards hugging. I’m afraid that I’ve thrown everyone off with the lotioned cat. I’m sorry. I was indeed going for that Buffalo Bill FEEL, but I didn’t want to copy him exactly. Ahoy? It just came into my head as a way of getting someone’s attention. and so I apologize. And yes, Mike, I do want to go to Germany with you this weekend. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ahoy-you-stupid-german-freak/85031.md?page=2)