# Alex Trebek was a real jerk to this stay at home dad on Jeopardy tonight **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 16, 2015, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274 "2015-07-16T00:06:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![BrightSunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b3f665/32.png) [@BrightSunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrightSunshine)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2015, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/81 "2015-07-22T01:06:46Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > I agree with the OP’s view towards Trebbeck’s comments. In particular, the question about whether his role was by choice or force is the most appalling, as it implies that no normal person would actually want to be a SAHP. If the guy was a plumber or a teacher, he would never be asked if that job was forced upon him. And I can’t imagine him saying that to a woman, mainly because of the disrespect implied to her spouse. > > As someone who wishes more men were empowered to be the primary caregiver, I think quips like this are unhelpful. Most men who are SAHDs are SAHDs because of circumstances, not choice. A significant percentage of women are SAHMs because of circumstances, not choice. By contrast there is no involuntary plumber or teacher because those require training. I find your opinion that asking a woman if she’s SAHM by choice would be disrespectful to _her spouse_ rather appalling. If she’s a SAHM by circumstances, that likely means she can’t find or keep a job or cannot make enough to pay for daycare, none of which is her husband’s fault. (Being heteronormative for a minute because of your reference to men.) ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2015, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/82 "2015-07-22T07:04:49Z")
> [@BrightSunshine](#): > > Most men who are SAHDs are SAHDs because of circumstances, not choice. A significant percentage of women are SAHMs because of circumstances, not choice. By contrast there is no involuntary plumber or teacher because those require training. > > I find your opinion that asking a woman if she’s SAHM by choice would be disrespectful to _her spouse_ rather appalling. If she’s a SAHM by circumstances, that likely means she can’t find or keep a job or cannot make enough to pay for daycare, none of which is her husband’s fault. (Being heteronormative for a minute because of your reference to men.) Well, go on and find that appalling. Because she very obviously was talking about why Trebek wouldn’t do it, not her own opinion. If you can’t parse her post correctly, then it’s no wonder you can’t figure out why asking someone if they were forced into their current situation is not something to ever ask. What if he was forced into it–is he going to admit that? Obviously not, or he would have given his occupation as “unemployed” or “between jobs.” It’s ridiculous how so many people’s first response is to try and disprove sexism rather than deal with it. You’re even ignoring the implication that saying you have a lot of free time means that you’re not really working all that hard. The only way you can possibly believe what you believe is if you just miss social cues all over the place. You don’t understand understand the underlying implications in what people say at all. ---
**Author:** ![BrightSunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b3f665/32.png) [@BrightSunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrightSunshine)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2015, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/83 "2015-07-22T09:09:25Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Well, go on and find that appalling. Because she very obviously was talking about why Trebek wouldn’t do it, not her own opinion. \*edited to fix quote That’s quite a cop-out. Besides, if you assume sexism to prove sexism, what are you really proving? > [@](#): > > … asking someone if they were forced into their current situation is not something to ever ask. What if he was forced into it–is he going to admit that? Obviously not, or he would have given his occupation as “unemployed” or “between jobs.” > > It’s ridiculous how so many people’s first response is to try and disprove sexism rather than deal with it. You’re even ignoring the implication that saying you have a lot of free time means that you’re not really working all that hard. It’s pretty funny because your cries of sexism for this particular case is predicated on a load of sexist assumptions in the first place, such as that it’s an insult to point out a man isn’t working very many hours. SAHDs are on average not working very many hours (which is what free time means, the laziness or not a hard worker parts are pure projections), compared to other parents. That’s a fact. Just like retirees are on average not working very many hours. It’s not a character flaw. Most of the SAHMs I know gush about the leisure time they have, especially if they’ve ever been an employed mom before. It’s a feature, not a bug. People certainly ask SAHMs if that’s what they want to do, mention that they have more free time, etc. “Forced” doesn’t mean unemployed – maybe their spouse travels or moves a lot, maybe too many kids for daycare to be cost effective, maybe there is a special needs child, etc. Women are well versed with myriad reasons to SAH without really wanting to, and we talk about it. I get the impression from this thread that a SAHD is somehow a more sacred or fragile creature that is to be revered and put on a pedestal unlike SAHMs? That in itself is sexist. > [@](#): > > The only way you can possibly believe what you believe is if you just miss social cues all over the place. You don’t understand understand the underlying implications in what people say at all. Or that I have a different worldview, knowledge, and set of experiences than you? Imagine that? ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2015, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/84 "2015-07-22T13:19:21Z")
> [@BrightSunshine](#): > > I find your opinion that asking a woman if she’s SAHM by choice would be disrespectful to _her spouse_ rather appalling. Probably because you don’t understand what I’m saying. If someone asked me whether I was an SAHP by choice or _by force_, what is implied is that my spouse has possibly forced me into a role against my wishes. As if I’m being controlled by a husband who is forcing me to stay home rather than allowing me to work. How is that not offensive? I wouldn’t characterize someone being SAHP due to circumstance as being “forced”. There are lots of jobs people take because other options are limited (shit, most people wouldn’t work at all if circumstances allowed them to be independently wealthy), but it’s generally considered snobbish and rude to ask people to reveal whether this is the case. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2015, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/85 "2015-07-22T13:54:46Z")
> [@BrightSunshine](#): > > People certainly ask SAHMs if that’s what they want to do, mention that they have more free time, etc. “Forced” doesn’t mean unemployed – maybe their spouse travels or moves a lot, maybe too many kids for daycare to be cost effective, maybe there is a special needs child, etc. Women are well versed with myriad reasons to SAH without really wanting to, and we talk about it. I get the impression from this thread that a SAHD is somehow a more sacred or fragile creature that is to be revered and put on a pedestal unlike SAHMs? That in itself is sexist. What are you talking about? SAHM complain all the time about how they are looked down upon, regarded as bon-bon eating moochers, and are assumed to be doing nothing productive with their time. The internet is rife with these complaints. Just because SAHMs often get asked if that’s what they really want to do, doesn’t mean they aren’t offended by this type of questioning. And rightfully so! In response to these negative attitudes, there has been a big push to promote acceptance and respect of SAH mothers. Feminism used to be associated with getting mothers into the workforce, but now there is greater focus on respecting the freedom of choice. Trebeck’s comments reveal the reluctance to extend this principle to men, and I take issue with that. This has nothing to do with putting SAHDs on a pedestal, and everything with affording fathers the same respect we’re expected to extend to mothers. How is this controversial in the slightest? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2015, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/86 "2015-07-22T15:49:15Z")
> [@PSXer](#): > > he’s calling him lazy > > you just pop fish sticks in the oven they don’t require real cooking > > the implication is that stay at home parents don’t do anything but sit around all day > > it’s offensive to stay at home moms and dads What about stay at home adult children? ---
**Author:** ![BrightSunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b3f665/32.png) [@BrightSunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrightSunshine)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2015, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/87 "2015-07-22T23:59:00Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Probably because you don’t understand what I’m saying. > > If someone asked me whether I was an SAHP by choice or _by force_, what is implied is that my spouse has possibly forced me into a role against my wishes. As if I’m being controlled by a husband who is forcing me to stay home rather than allowing me to work. How is that not offensive? > > I wouldn’t characterize someone being SAHP due to circumstance as being “forced”. There are lots of jobs people take because other options are limited (shit, most people wouldn’t work at all if circumstances allowed them to be independently wealthy), but it’s generally considered snobbish and rude to ask people to reveal whether this is the case. Really? Millions of parents are forced to stay home because: daycare is too expensive, especially for multiple kids; the job market can be crappy; some kids cannot be in group care for health or behavioral reasons; and so on. There are relatively few who SAH against their will simply because their spouse forces them to. But SAH is not a crappy job. The circumstances that drive people to it are quite socially acceptable to admit and inquire – daycare is notoriously expensive, some kids do have health problems. It’s a common topic of discussion among parents of young kids. How old are you? I feel like I’ve stepped into a twilight zone here. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2015, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/88 "2015-07-23T00:07:32Z")
Lots of women are forced to work. I wonder what the reaction would be if Alex asked an employed woman whether she were forced to work? ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2015, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/89 "2015-07-23T00:25:26Z")
If anyone thinks a stay at home parent to a young child has free time out the wazoo they have never cared for a young child. I couldn’t even write business emails or do any work online, you’re interrupted every 5 seconds. It is like induced ADHD. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2015, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/90 "2015-07-23T01:03:57Z")
I think the question about whether he chose to stay home was inappropriate, and would be inappropriate for anyone. I’ve seen such questions asked of women, though not by Trebek as far as I recall, so it doesn’t automatically ping my “sexist” radar, but it does ping my “thoughtless” radar. Generally, asking someone a question like that emphasizes what we think of their jobs and/or lives, and making it clear that we think it likely that they only have their lives because they had no choice is pretty insulting. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274/91 "2015-07-23T04:48:09Z")
> [@BrightSunshine](#): > > Really? Millions of parents are forced to stay home because:; Stop right there. By this logic, millions of parents (and non-parents) are also “forced” to work. Because food doesn’t grow on trees and money has to come from somewhere. But since this is such an asinine way of portraying the facts of life, no one says this about jobs outside of the home. So why would we think to do with is SAHPs? > [@](#): > > How old are you? I feel like I’ve stepped into a twilight zone here. I’m 38. Why do you think this matters? None the SAHPs I know (all mothers) go around claiming they are “forced” to do what they do. They all choose to do it simply because they can and want to. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alex-trebek-was-a-real-jerk-to-this-stay-at-home-dad-on-jeopardy-tonight/725274.md?page=4)