# Almost 30, never had a relationship. Any advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 25, 2012, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807 "2012-10-25T11:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/21 "2012-10-25T14:02:21Z")
On second reading, you are 28? I was thinking you were 30 and your upper range was 31. What you have going on seems fine. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/22 "2012-10-25T14:02:33Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > You are not that much of an outlier. I’m around your age, and probably half of my girl friends have not been in a serious relationship. It’s not that unusual, especially for a traveller. It’s tough to build relationships on the road. It sounds like you are meeting women and getting some action, and that’s good. > > Being in undergrad isn’t a dealbreaker, as long as you have a good story for it. It seems like you do. I’m one of those girls who has my stuff together, and I’d be fine dating someone who doesn’t have his stuff together, as long as he is interesting and not a trainwreck. > > I would try to take the focus of “being in a relationship” and think more about “meeting women.” When a woman sees that a guy really, really, really wants to be in a relationship, it scares them because they start feeling like a placeholder rather than an individual. They worry that they are being cast for a role that you’ve already made up in your head, rather than being a part of something that is growing naturally from mutual affection. > > A few thoughts on your profile- you look fine. Your profile is a little intimidating to me. When I see it, I think “Wow, I’m really bad at yoga and my spiritual connection to the earth is a little lacking. He probably won’t be in to me” If it is essential that your date is as into yoga, nature and spirituality as you, it’s fine. But if you are open to a wider range of women, you may want to tone it down a bit and bring in a wider variety of interests. The age range also stood out to me. I’m 31, reasonably cute and perfectly dateable (dating a 28 year old now), but I’d feel uncomfortable messaging you as someone on the upper edge of your age range. I’d feel self-conscious about my age and worry that I’m not really what you want…like you’d always be pining away for an undergrad. An age range that goes down to 21 doesn’t communicate to me “looking for a relationship.” It communicates “Looking for a hot girl to bang” or “looking for anything female to get with” or “looking for a young thing to brag about.” I absolutely would not message you or respond to you with your current profile based on that. And realistically, it’s going to be women closer to your age that are going to be interested in relationships. If you can bring yourself to add a couple years on the upper end and bump up the low end a bit, I think you might get more attention. > > Keep going with OkCupid. A 10% response rate is actually not that bad. If you get ten messages out a day, that means you should be getting around seven messages back a day and at least one date a week. Most of them will be duds, but at the least it’s good practice. That makes a lot of sense. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/23 "2012-10-25T14:03:13Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > But the thing is he has been totally unsuccessful so far. 0 for 30 years. That is not normal for someone who seems to be a regular guy. He is doing something fundementally wrong. Maybe its his choices in women. Maybe its some vibe he is giving off. You can’t know what it is from the information given. You have not met him. You have no idea if you would date him. It is not helpful. > > OP I don’t want to beat up on you. You do remind me of a younger version of someone I know. You don’t want to turn into him. Talk to someone in your life that you trust. Someone who will be brutally honest with you. Find out what you are doing wrong. And listen to them. If I had to guess I would say its probably some sort of combination of desperation and picking the wrong/out of your league women. But there is really no way to tell without knowing you. You are not going to get much useful advice here. Talk to people who know you. Well we should just give up on asking for advice on this message board then. There’s no point because we can never really know. Can’t judge the vibe, can’t judge the smell of his feet, can’t say anything. Maybe just abolish IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/24 "2012-10-25T14:04:06Z")
If that is your current OK Cupid profile, I’d take the bit about being ‘deathly afraid of beautiful women’ out, even if it’s true. No woman wants to hear either a) that she’s not beautiful, or b) that you’re deathly afraid of her, and that looks like they’re your options. Plus, if you really are afraid of beautiful women, that’s part of your problem right there. Personally, the only other bit of that profile that was at all off putting to me was the emphasis on emotional response to films; you don’t need to point out that ‘hey, I find this sort of stuff emotionally touching’, when it’s a clearly highly emotional film, and it actually reads as a little over the top and false. Most women are pretty good at spotting things like that, and even if it’s not intended to be so, it can come across as slightly manipulative, even if not intended to be so. I can only speak for myself, but I personally prefer it if guys don’t get too ‘romantic’ or emotionally involved until we’re actually dating- otherwise it can come across as clingy, which is offputting. As said above, try looking for fun rather than someone to spend your life with. I know this is assuming my views are standard for what you’re looking for, but apart from the fact I’m in the UK, I’m about your age, conservation minded and outdoorsy, so actually roughly what you seem to be looking for. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/25 "2012-10-25T14:13:03Z")
> [@gracer](#): > > Well we should just give up on asking for advice on this message board then. There’s no point because we can never really know. Can’t judge the vibe, can’t judge the smell of his feet, can’t say anything. Maybe just abolish IMHO. I’ll take it up with the Board at our next meeting. There is obviously something wrong. Whatever he is doing is not working. Since he says he has been turned down every single time he has tried to date. That implies that not only unable to have a relationship, he is a virgin in all senses of the word. He is doing something wrong. Looking at what little information we have and saying “I’d date you” or “Looks good to me” is not helpful. It is the opposite of helpful. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/26 "2012-10-25T14:16:39Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > If that is your current OK Cupid profile, I’d take the bit about being ‘deathly afraid of beautiful women’ out, even if it’s true. No woman wants to hear either a) that she’s not beautiful, or b) that you’re deathly afraid of her, and that looks like they’re your options. > > Plus, if you really are afraid of beautiful women, that’s part of your problem right there. Yeah that jumped out at me too when I read it. But as I guy I didn’t feel qualified to comment on the effect of the phrase. ---
**Author:** ![Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sticks_and_scones/32/16951_2.png) [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/27 "2012-10-25T14:26:37Z")
NM ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/28 "2012-10-25T14:33:39Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Later that night she came to my room and gave me a hand-written rock that said something like “When there’s no one else out there, you always have yourself to count on.” Nice, if bizarre and unnecessary, gesture. I’m sorry, but that made me crack up. “I got a date!” “I got to mess around!” “…I got a rock” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/29 "2012-10-25T15:16:10Z")
You are a granola crunchy sort of guy. Why are you not involved in granola crunchy activities? Maybe you are, I didn’t see it. Go volunteer at the right kinds of events, find a hiking group, go join some other groups that are relevant. And stop looking for a date. Like others have said, that desperate neediness comes through whether you mean to or not. And forget asking friends, it works sometimes but rarely. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/30 "2012-10-25T15:26:24Z")
Since you’re a vegan, maybe try setting up a profile on [SamePlate](http://www.sameplate.com/os1/index.php)? ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/31 "2012-10-25T15:28:09Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > You are a granola crunchy sort of guy. Why are you not involved in granola crunchy activities? Maybe you are, I didn’t see it. Go volunteer at the right kinds of events, find a hiking group, go join some other groups that are relevant. And stop looking for a date. Like others have said, that desperate neediness comes through whether you mean to or not. And forget asking friends, it works sometimes but rarely. I agree. There are plenty of women who like and do all of the stuff you like to do. I wish I had such specific hobbies and activities that afford me the opportunity to meet so many like-minded people! Go out and do and be, and you will eventually run in to a woman who is doing and being the same way. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/32 "2012-10-25T15:37:25Z")
Sven an Anaamika’s advice is both good. Your profile seems good. You do seem perhaps a little earnest and intense. I’d drop words like “serious” from agnostic (that gets interpreted as you are going to get in fights with that nice vegan Pagan girl who finds you interesting and you have a lot in common with - but she doesn’t want religious battles) and “strictly” from Vegan (I don’t care what you eat, I don’t need commentary about what goes into my mouth - and I want a relationship where we can go to restaurants and I can order what I please). Not that you do either of these things, but those things can be read into your presentation. And if you are earnest and intense in real life and do those things, back off a little. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/33 "2012-10-25T15:39:50Z")
As an Asian male you are in unfortunately in about the least dateable cohort if you are placing yourself on US dating boards. Most non-Asian white and black women will not even consider Asian (or Asian presenting) men as dates. Why, I’m not sure but it’s a demographic reality. If you were an Asian female you’d be covered up. So part of the issue is that it’s really not you as a person but simply your ethnicity. With the part you can control I’d advise you to scrub a lot of the stuff. Leave a little mystery, sometime less is more. Sure it’s important to you, but being an Asian male who eats vegan and wants to commune with the earth and live in house without electricity you are reducing your already limited chances to practically zero. Not to put too fine a point on it but your interests profile reads very much like a woman’s and that’s not attractive to most heterosexual women. You need to get rid for the beatific pics of you in meditation ecstasy. They are not helping. Finally, and this is not personal I’m being objective. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PICTURES. I’ve seen how women look at dating sites. It’s just like men, except more so. They briefly look at the photos and if they do not like what they see, onward. Your photos are not attractive to women. Your involved description probably does not even get a glance. You seem reasonably lean. I would advise you to get some personal trainer time in with an eye to beefing up and looking more muscular, or are least more cut. You need a few shots of you in athletic activity that shows what a hard body you are. You need crowds shots with you smiling and the center of attention of some group of people showing you are socially accepted. Women are looking for physical capability / attraction and cues that you are a well rounded social actor. Your communing with the universe pics so not covey this. You can’t be who you are not, but if you want dates you had best wrap your head around the fact that what most (not all certainly) women want is a physically capable, self assured, somewhat assertive man. Your profile does not convey this. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/34 "2012-10-25T15:58:05Z")
> [@astro](#): > > As an Asian male you are in unfortunately in about the least dateable cohort if you are placing yourself on US dating boards. Most non-Asian white and black women will not even consider Asian (or Asian presenting) men as dates. Why, I’m not sure but it’s a demographic reality. If you were an Asian female you’d be covered up. So part of the issue is that it’s really not you as a person but simply your ethnicity. > > With the part you can control I’d advise you to scrub a lot of the stuff. Leave a little mystery, sometime less is more. Sure it’s important to you, but being an Asian male who eats vegan and wants to commune with the earth and live in house without electricity you are reducing your already limited chances to practically zero. > > Not to put too fine a point on it but your interests profile reads very much like a woman’s and that’s not attractive to most heterosexual women. You need to get rid for the beatific pics of you in meditation ecstasy. They are not helping. > > Finally, and this is not personal I’m being objective. > > IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PICTURES. > > I’ve seen how women look at dating sites. It’s just like men, except more so. They briefly look at the photos and if they do not like what they see, onward. Your photos are not attractive to women. Your involved description probably does not even get a glance. You seem reasonably lean. I would advise you to get some personal trainer time in with an eye to beefing up and looking more muscular, or are least more cut. > > You need a few shots of you in athletic activity that shows what a hard body you are. You need crowds shots with you smiling and the center of attention of some group of people showing you are socially accepted. Women are looking for physical capability / attraction and cues that you are a well rounded social actor. Your communing with the universe pics so not covey this. > > You can’t be who you are not, but if you want dates you had best wrap your head around the fact that what most (not all certainly) women want is a physically capable, self assured, somewhat assertive man. Your profile does not convey this. I did not check out the pictures. Oh boy. They scream “If you don’t live on an ashram don’t bother.” They really narrow down your chances. If your tastes run that narrow then so be it. If you are tolerant of diversity change the profile. IMHO your profile should briefly talk about yourself. You should mention any deal breakers. But if you have too many deal breakers it will seem like you are difficult. I’m sure astro is going to get criticized for being too blunt but he is exactly right. Most people just look at the pics and don’t bother to read if it doesn’t catch their eye. Especially women since they get tons of requests from random guys everyday. The profile is to get your foot in the door. It shouldn’t try to encapsulate your entire being. Let the face to face meetings take care of that. And I agree with Dangerosa. Vegan implies strict. Adding the word makes it seem like you are overboard. If you are agnostic but don’t care much about the other’s choice, drop the serious. The fact that she picked up on your profile being “intense” is a bad sign. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/35 "2012-10-25T16:00:43Z")
I disagree about needing to beef up and post muscle shots (and I’m a woman). He needs shots that show his face clearly and make him seem friendly and approachable. Candid shots of him smiling while talking to friends would be great. Here is a big clue: women want to feel like you will LIKE them and accept them, their friends, their families, and their interests. People are telling you that you’re focusing too much on the environmentalism etc. because it makes women feel like they obviously aren’t the one for you. Too much focus on romance, love, soul mates, The One, and beauty are also a turn-off because women figure they’ve got like zero chance of being The One so why waste their time. It’s also emotionally immature to focus on them. Life isn’t a fairy tale. Women aren’t princesses. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/36 "2012-10-25T16:07:16Z")
Reading all of this it occurs to me that the OP needs to graduate and get a good job and makes some money. He’ll become a lot more attractive that way. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/37 "2012-10-25T16:09:39Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > The only advice I didn’t take was to solicit a prostitute because that just seems like a recipe for further disappointment. And I’d really rather have a relationship – with mutual care for one another – over plain sex. You may want to reconsider this advice. Sounds like you need a slumpbuster, and there are definitely worse (and more degrading) ways to do it than seeing a professional. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/38 "2012-10-25T16:13:43Z")
honestly go for girls with an Asian fetish, like go to anime festivals, Kpop shows, etc. I hate to say it, but some girl’s are easy for Asian guys. True story. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/39 "2012-10-25T16:14:39Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > I disagree about needing to beef up and post muscle shots (and I’m a woman). He needs shots that show his face clearly and make him seem friendly and approachable. Candid shots of him smiling while talking to friends would be great. > > Here is a big clue: women want to feel like you will LIKE them and accept them, their friends, their families, and their interests. People are telling you that you’re focusing too much on the environmentalism etc. because it makes women feel like they obviously aren’t the one for you. > > Too much focus on romance, love, soul mates, The One, and beauty are also a turn-off because women figure they’ve got like zero chance of being The One so why waste their time. It’s also emotionally immature to focus on them. Life isn’t a fairy tale. Women aren’t princesses. That’s my experience too. You’re looking for a first date. It’s not a marriage proposal. Fun, friendship and the possibility of more. That’s it. Another reality check. The income under 20k will narrow your field a lot. Any woman you would be interested in will not be looking for a sugar daddy. But most do not want a relationship with someone they may need to take care of financially. You obviously have reasons because you are going to school and you will not always make so little. But we are talking about strangers looking at a profile. They don’t know you yet. The under 20k thing stands out. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/40 "2012-10-25T16:16:44Z")
I see two potential red flags. They wouldn’t make me not go out with you, but once I met you, I might not agree to a second meeting. 1. You say you are afraid of beautiful women. I agree – that that out of your OKC profile. This fear probably comes across at your first dates/meetings. This boils down to lack of confidence. Which, I suspect can only be cured by a bit of success with women, so I see how this is a negative self-perpetuating problem. I like the suggestion above to pretend like you have some sort of assured knowledge that you will never be pair-bonded with another nekkid ape. Go forth and do whatever it is that lights you up and be as awesome as you can be about it. Read “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein. If you are looking for someone to complete you, that’s too much pressure and expectation to put off on someone else. Take responsibility for completing yourself, for being a whole, healthy, happy individual all by yourself. Asking if you can kiss someone is a huge flashing neon sign that screams “No confidence! NONE!” Don’t ask. Just move in for the kiss and go for it. You’ll either get slapped or laid. Both can be quite enjoyable. 😉 2. Your profile doesn’t do this, but this thread leads me to believe that you are coming off like you want an instant intimate, committed Relationship. That’s step 212 and you are on step 5. Intimacy takes time; you have to spend time to build trust, respect, and communication skills with someone. Stop making your end goal be about having a girlfriend or being in some sort of committed relationship. Make your end goal to make friends. The friends you make may not ever become your intimate committed relationship, but they have other friends and you might be introduced to The One. So make a lot of friends, of both genders, who are like-minded and with whom you can go do stuff. They all have siblings, cousins, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. Treat finding a relationship like you’d treat finding a job: network, network, network. 1. And then realize this: Once you find it, that will not solve all your problems, nor will it cure all your heartaches. You will still have some of the same issues/problems. The onus is not on your furtue potential partner to solve all your problems for you just by existing. I don’t know if you’re doing this, but avoid magical thinking, "Oh, if only I had a girlfriend, I’d be [\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_]. Girlfriends are not some sort of magic talisman that makes everything all better. As I said above, and others have said upthread, go forth and be your awesome self. Pretend you don’t really care if you’re ever in a committed relationship (fake it til you make it) because you’re so happy and fulfilled doing whatever it is you do that makes you feel awesome about yourself. Go build a mud hut and then invite all your friends to come have a beer with you at your mud hut. There will eventually be some cute, crunchy granola girl who’s totally into yoga and mud huts. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807.md?page=3)