# Almost 30, never had a relationship. Any advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 25, 2012, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807 "2012-10-25T11:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/41 "2012-10-25T16:18:58Z")
> [@astro](#): > > As an Asian male you are in unfortunately in about the least dateable cohort if you are placing yourself on US dating boards. Most non-Asian white and black women will not even consider Asian (or Asian presenting) men as dates. Why, I’m not sure but it’s a demographic reality. If you were an Asian female you’d be covered up. So part of the issue is that it’s really not you as a person but simply your ethnicity. > > . I am not sure what part of the US you are talking about, but I know PLENTY of non-Asian chicks with a huge Asian guy fetish and who would jump at the opportunity to date someone like the OP. The granola crunching, get back to nature, hippy chick types. I say join a club on campus which caters to your interests, be really outgoing and I bet a girl will be more than willing. Honestly, what I find most of the time from guys who say they have no luck with women are that they have left a trail of perfectly fine girls with broken hearts who they never gave the chance because they were focusing on the wrong girls. I bet there is at least one girl who was madly in love with you who you wouldn’t give the time of day. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/42 "2012-10-25T16:23:45Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > honestly go for girls with an Asian fetish, like go to anime festivals, Kpop shows, etc. I hate to say it, but some girl’s are easy for Asian guys. True story. Hah, yeah. My brother is a short Asian guy and he’s currently shacking up with some hot blonde bird. It can be done! ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/43 "2012-10-25T16:25:33Z")
My critique of your online profile is that you come across as a borderline hermit who would like a girl who wants to be barefoot and pregnant in a eco environment shanty you are going to build out of abandoned cars, 300 miles from the nearest town, and eating nothing but nuts and berries you might find in the woods. Shockingly, I doubt many woman today who have access to a computer are going to leap at this chance, unless perhaps they are in some kind of witness protection program. If I were you, I would spend more time in groups of people/organizations who like to hike, live and work in offbeat environments. When you surround yourself with like-minded individuals, it is far easier to find someone who will share similar interests and perhaps be more inclined to see you as someone they would trust and want to be around - and that is the first step in building any relationship. There is the old adage of real estate that screams - location, location, location. In your case, this would also apply - you really need to go where the single available women are who share your interests. You do seem to be an attractive, smart, well-read guy who has a lot to offer for a woman who also has a sense of adventure and is not looking for the white picket fence and a BMW in the driveway. Your task is to find like-minded groups of people - perhaps start with volunteer organizations that plant vegetable gardens in the inner city, or perhaps even work with Habitat for Humanity, or PETA, or [here is a list of environmental organizations](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_environmental_organizations) around the world (and in the US). I don’t doubt for a minute there are many single, good looking woman who are heavily involved in many of those groups. If you were a Gay guy like me, you would move to a larger city with a larger group of Gay men and find a partner there. If you were a winter sport fan, you would move/often go to a mountain resort area. If you were a writer, you would work/hang out at bookstores and libraries and perhaps nearby a university. The point is, you can’t expect someone with your likes and desires to happen to walk by you - you have to search them out and figure out where you are most likely to meet MANY women who share your interests. But speaking from personal experience, you can’t really “find” love - love finds you, and usually when you least expect it. I won’t be surprised to hear you are madly in love, soon, and with someone you didn’t see coming and are surprised to discover is your soul mate! Yes, it does really happen - SO and I have been together over 31 years now, and I too thought back then that I would never meet Mr. Right - how wrong I was. It will happen - just get out there, and go where you have a better chance of meeting Ms. Right. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/44 "2012-10-25T16:26:14Z")
Also, re: the photos. You are attractive! Let’s see some skin. ;\>) Looks like you might have really nice, well-developed thighs. So are there no yoga poses you can do in shorts? You don’t have to do a shirtless beefcake shot, but maybe a shot at the beach/rafting/rowing/paddling with friends where I can see your arms or the shirt is form-fitting enough I can tell if you’ve got some ab definition or a beer gut? If I lived in your area (I do NOT do long distance), I would totally go out with you,\* if\* I thought you wouldn’t hate me for being a smoker. But I know I would be setting all sorts of “I’m not your girlfriend yet” boundaries and I wouldn’t become your girlfriend if you were sending out all sorts of “man, all I want in the world right now is a girlfriend” messages. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/45 "2012-10-25T16:28:37Z")
**Reply** , I have been in the same situation as you; I was around your age when I had my first serious relationship. That’s not to reassure you that things will work out. They may not. But the fact that you’ve started this thread and made the other changes in your life means that at least you recognize that without changing your behaviour there won’t be any change in outcome. The trouble is that for guys there can be a vicious circle where you need experience to get experience. It’s easy enough for people to say just be confident but it’s a very difficult thing to generate or fake successfully. Especially since the confident thing to do is not always obvious if a situation is unfamiliar to you. So I would at least say not to take it personally – you missed the boat in your teens and now your lack of experience is probably the main thing holding you back. I have advice (or at least: I can talk about how I broke out of my pattern), but I’m going to put that in a separate post. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/46 "2012-10-25T16:30:57Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > Hah, yeah. My brother is a short Asian guy and he’s currently shacking up with some hot blonde bird. It can be done! See, empirical evidence backs up my claim. It’s so true. 😉 And remember OP [http://img2.moonbuggy.org/imgstore/at-least-youre-not-a-fucking-loser.jpg](http://img2.moonbuggy.org/imgstore/at-least-youre-not-a-fucking-loser.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/47 "2012-10-25T16:39:38Z")
I agree on what people said about toning down the profile with the hippie earthy stuff. The main problem is the pictures. The one with you and the two friends is good. Shows you have normal seeming friends and aren’t a weird loner. I’d get rid of the yoga ones, except for maybe one. Get one taken at a restaurant or a bar with some friends. ---
**Author:** ![Hbns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hbns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hbns)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/48 "2012-10-25T17:08:05Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Took her home after a bit and apologized that it wasn’t that great for her… This really stood out to me. In general, early on when you are getting to know someone don’t apologize preemptively for inadequacies or performance (hell for much of anything). Of course if you spill a drink on her or step on her cat you better apologize, but don’t cut yourself down when she isn’t making an issue of it. Don’t try to second guess her is what I am saying. Budding relationships need the communication and preemptive apologies cut her out of the dialog. Too many preemptive apologies comes across as a lack of confidence. There are tons of guys who “know who they are”, but aren’t confident people. They are just guys with inflexible standards and ideals that are all but impossible to meet. The relationships should change you for better or worse. With you I see a lot of tried to date my friend… disaster… still friends. That isn’t winning. That is rolling over. You either weren’t that invested in the desire to have a more meaningful relationship with them or you are not being honest with yourself about the rejection. Date outside your friendship circle. Try to be open to change. You will never find anyone 100% compatible, if you are both willing to make accommodations your chances are much better than if you expect your partner to always bend to you. Last, if you are unloading any of your dating woes on potential partners… DON’T! They aren’t confidence inspiring and your date does not want to hear how they are out with the strikeout king. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/49 "2012-10-25T17:52:55Z")
Here’s another person who agrees you need more face time in your pictures, smiling and with other people. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/50 "2012-10-25T17:57:01Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > \ > In short, I worry that being with you will involve constantly throwing away myself in order to live up to your high-minded ideals. > > A lot of perpetual bachelors are that way because they know who they are and what they want, and it’s extremely hard to find a woman who wants the same thing. > > But that’s just me, and others in this thread seem to like your profile. I agree with this. I’m curious - how flexible are you on your standards for a partner? You say that you aren’t a militant vegan, but just being vegan means something in our modern world - I’m not giving up my omnivorous ways for _anyone_. I’d go on to the next online ad after seeing “vegan” - you need a fellow vegan. > [@Filbert](#): > > If that is your current OK Cupid profile, I’d take the bit about being ‘deathly afraid of beautiful women’ out, even if it’s true. No woman wants to hear either a) that she’s not beautiful, or b) that you’re deathly afraid of her, and that looks like they’re your options. > > Plus, if you really are afraid of beautiful women, that’s part of your problem right there. > \ I agree with this, too. > [@Loach](#): > > \ > Another reality check. The income under 20k will narrow your field a lot. Any woman you would be interested in will not be looking for a sugar daddy. But most do not want a relationship with someone they may need to take care of financially. You obviously have reasons because you are going to school and you will not always make so little. But we are talking about strangers looking at a profile. They don’t know you yet. The under 20k thing stands out. I agree with this, too. Maybe you need to stay realistic about how attractive your finances are until you’re finished school. > [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I agree on what people said about toning down the profile with the hippie earthy stuff. The main problem is the pictures. The one with you and the two friends is good. Shows you have normal seeming friends and aren’t a weird loner. I’d get rid of the yoga ones, except for maybe one. Get one taken at a restaurant or a bar with some friends. Yup. **Reply** , you’re a good-looking dude, and you know who you are and what you want. That’s a good thing, but it means that you’re not likely to settle, and it will take longer for you to find someone compatible with you. Keep the faith, dude! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/51 "2012-10-25T18:08:01Z")
You describe yourself as an "ordinary, “uninteresting”, “not particularly attractive guy” making $20,000 a year who wants to live in a dirt hut and has a bunch of pictures of yourself on OkCupid digging ditches and doing the same dumb yoga pose in every shot. What part of that do you think a woman is going to be into? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/52 "2012-10-25T18:24:31Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > Hah, yeah. My brother is a short Asian guy and he’s currently shacking up with some hot blonde bird. It can be done! My son is Korean and has to beat girls of all color off with a stick. If I visit his facebook page, I’ll discover that my son is “very hot” and has a cute butt. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/53 "2012-10-25T18:30:21Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > You describe yourself as an "ordinary, “uninteresting”, “not particularly attractive guy” making $20,000 a year who wants to live in a dirt hut and has a bunch of pictures of yourself on OkCupid digging ditches and doing the same dumb yoga pose in every shot. What part of that do you think a woman is going to be into? There are women who are into his lack of interest in material things and money. That’s not the issue. The lack of self confidence is the problem. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/54 "2012-10-25T18:48:31Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > If that is your current OK Cupid profile, I’d take the bit about being ‘deathly afraid of beautiful women’ out, even if it’s true. No woman wants to hear either a) that she’s not beautiful, or b) that you’re deathly afraid of her, and that looks like they’re your options. > > Plus, if you really are afraid of beautiful women, that’s part of your problem right there. I agree. I may not be a beautiful woman, so you probably wouldn’t be afraid of me, but this line shows a lot of insecurity, which would keep me from being interested. > [@Loach](#): > > The whole hippy vegan green thing you are pushing on your profile will narrow your choices. But you do want someone you are compatible with so that might not be a bad thing. > [@Anaamika](#): > > You are a granola crunchy sort of guy. Why are you not involved in granola crunchy activities? Maybe you are, I didn’t see it. Go volunteer at the right kinds of events, find a hiking group, go join some other groups that are relevant. And stop looking for a date. Like others have said, that desperate neediness comes through whether you mean to or not. And forget asking friends, it works sometimes but rarely. I agree with these comments. The comments about being vegan, doing yoga, wanting a house with no electricity, are all going to scare away most women other than the vegan hippies. There are plenty of hippie vegan women who would probably be interested in you, but I don’t know if online dating is the right way to find them, unless there’s some [VeganDating.com](http://VeganDating.com) website. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/55 "2012-10-25T18:56:41Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > You describe yourself as an "ordinary, “uninteresting”, “not particularly attractive guy” making $20,000 a year who wants to live in a dirt hut and has a bunch of pictures of yourself on OkCupid digging ditches and doing the same dumb yoga pose in every shot. What part of that do you think a woman is going to be into? **msmith537** , must you stink up every dating/relationship thread with your hateful Napoleon Complex PUA schtick? There’s zero chance I’d go put with any guy who isn’t outdoorsy, his job and income doesn’t matter because I don’t need to be taken care of, and a guy who volunteers is automatically more attractive than a selfish middle manager with no time or interest in community. You may only be interested in dating pushy guys sporting a power suit and too much cologne, but my girlfriends and I aren’t interested in the How I Met Your Mother Barneys of the world. You’re not our type; you’re a stereotype lampooned in popular culture for some 50 years. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/56 "2012-10-25T19:07:37Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > **msmith537** , must you stink up every dating/relationship thread with your hateful Napoleon Complex PUA schtick? There’s zero chance I’d go put with any guy who isn’t outdoorsy, his job and income doesn’t matter because I don’t need to be taken care of, and a guy who volunteers is automatically more attractive than a selfish middle manager with no time or interest in community. You may only be interested in dating pushy guys sporting a power suit and too much cologne, but my girlfriends and I aren’t interested in the How I Met Your Mother Barneys of the world. You’re not our type; you’re a stereotype lampooned in popular culture for some 50 years. So he should have no problems getting a date. Problem solved. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/57 "2012-10-25T19:10:52Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > **msmith537** , must you stink up every dating/relationship thread with your hateful Napoleon Complex PUA schtick? There’s zero chance I’d go put with any guy who isn’t outdoorsy, his job and income doesn’t matter because I don’t need to be taken care of, and a guy who volunteers is automatically more attractive than a selfish middle manager with no time or interest in community. You may only be interested in dating pushy guys sporting a power suit and too much cologne, but my girlfriends and I aren’t interested in the How I Met Your Mother Barneys of the world. You’re not our type; you’re a stereotype lampooned in popular culture for some 50 years. No, but he has a point. Our OP is going about it the wrong way. Self-deprecation is not really necessary in a dating profile. He should be hyping himself up and remembering that he is in essence, selling his personality. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/58 "2012-10-25T19:13:17Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > his job and income doesn’t matter because I don’t need to be taken care of This tells me that either (a) you don’t make much money, yourself, or (b) you don’t date much. Because if you did either, you’d know that having somewhat equivalent incomes – more to the point, somewhat equivalent _disposable_ incomes – absolutely _does_ matter. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/59 "2012-10-25T19:13:31Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > So he should have no problems getting a date. Problem solved. He’s either shy, awkward, or lacks self confidence. I assume he is interested in women he has something in common with, and that probably isn’t msmith’s female equivalent. So turning up the volume, swaggering around and offering displays of conspicuous consumption won’t help the OP find the kind of company he can be himself with. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2012, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/60 "2012-10-25T19:15:05Z")
Eeyore is loveable and cuddly, but there’s a reason he’s got a do-it-yourself tail pinned on his ass - he can’t get any real tail on his own because he’s so damned mopey. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807.md?page=4)